Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

I’m awaiting professional help but the list is long . I don’t want to tell my friend as she has a family dinner today and I would not want her to come out and leave them even though I know she would . There’s only so much I want to tell my husband because I don’t want to be a burden to him. I tell them all I’m ok when I’m not

OP can you dial 111 and speak to someone at NHS direct?

After you've done that then contact your husband to come home asap.

This was me. Word for word.

You will get better. This will pass.

Don't worry that it's the weekend. Call someone ...can your DH come home? Your mum?

I know that if a friend called me at any time of day I would answer. Your friends won't mind. They will mind you feeling like this and being alone.

Have you contacted your GP or HV? My GP saved my life, she actually did

OP, your family and friends love you and will want you to tell them you're not ok. This will pass and you will feel better. Please phone the Samaritans (116 123) - they will be able to listen and support you.

You need to be very clear to the NHS how bad it is. This isn't the time to be coy and English about it. You need to tell them that you're suicidal, and regularly feeling this way, this might trigger the right level of care.

In the meantime...home, cup of tea, radio on in the background. Break the time into chunks, make cup of tea, feed baby, eat biscuit, baby on playmat, watch tv, bath baby etc until DH gets home.

One step at a time. One foot in front of the other

If you're in England you can find an emergency mental health helpline here.

@ParisianLady I’m so sorry you’ve been here too but I’m glad your GP helped you.
My mum lives in a different country , and she’s not great with mental health really . My DH is on his way home , he coincidentally just text me . He’ll be an hour though.
My HV is fantastic but doesn’t work weekends . The GP was useless when I told them. I contacted them when I was pregnant and at the time I Wasnt suicidal so they told me I couldn’t get help. But then it escalated and I’ve spiralled .

@username501 what will 111 do, do you know ? I feel I’m wasting their time as I’m not important whereas there’s lots of other patients who deserve their time more than me

Have you seen your gp? What have they said? If the professional help is therapy then can you afford to go private rather than waiting? Is there a children’s centre near you? (There are still some about- excellent places where you won’t feel alone)
The first weeks are relentless but it does eventually get better.
I second that you ask your Dh to come home.

Oh OP, wish I could give you a hug. It's so utterly terrifyingly awful when you feel this way and can't shake it.

Please have a virtual hug from me instead.

OP I want you to listen to me carefully. What you're feeling right now is not real. You won't recognise these feelings once you've had appropriate help.

NHS 111 will assess you over the phone and may advise an out of hours GP call or direct you somewhere else. Sometimes just voicing those feelings helps to stop them for now.

You can also call the mental health crisis line I linked to above (if you're not in England let me know I'll look up where you are).

OP these are feelings - they are bad, horrible awful feelings, but that's all they are. Your daughter loves you and needs you here, please get some help.

@Rummikub the GP wasn’t interested unfortunately. They told me sertraline would make me feel worse and that it’ll get better . That was all. I even contacted them when I was pregnant but because I wasn’t suicidal at the time, they wouldn’t get me help.
@ParisianLady a hug is very much needed thank you x

@username501 thank you , I am in England yes. I’ll call them, thank you for your comment it means a lot

Please call OP. Get off MN and call them.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte

Would you like and chat to us for the hour until your DH gets home. We're here.

Do call that number. Tell them exactly how you are feeling. It might put in place the right steps for you to get the help you need. You're being so brave in voicing these thoughts, it took me months and months before I could.

I know you can't see this, but you are incredibly important, the NHS will want to help you and you have the backing of many many Mumsnetters who have been through this to help you.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte

Yes, ignore me and my bad advice! Call them, don't chat to us. But come back to us if you need to once you've chatted to them

Try your gp again. Is there a different doctor at the surgery you can see?
Otherwise I’d say switch to a different surgery as they are being dismissive.

And that’s what they were - dismissive.
You need help and you deserve help.

We're so sorry you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us we like to link to some ideas for support. We have some information about postnatal depression, here
We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all of us here

I'm glad your husband is on his way home. Please contact your health visitor tomorrow. She can probably talk to your GP for you . So sorry that you feel like this but I can promise you that this will pass . Have a big snuggly cuddle from me too xx

So very sorry OP, that you feel so low.

I think calling 111 is a good idea.

After that, if I was your friend or DH, I'd very much want you to call me. If it's overwhelming for you to call someone you know, you can call the Samaritans too - www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

The number is on the website but it is 116 123

Hope you're better now DH is home.

Do come back to chat if you want to.

I sincerely hope you can get the help you need. You don't have to feel this way. It's an illness like any other, and once you get treatment you'll be better, feel normal again. There is a positive ending, even if you can't quite see it now.

I hope you are ok OP. I had psychotic depression after birth of DC1, it was terrifying and like someone posted above once I got out the other side it was like a bad dream. I am completely fine now and it didn't affect me bonding with DC1 at all. It was hormones and lack of sleep that drove my body and mind to that horrible place.

You can get through this, you will be ok even if you can't feel it right now. Massive unmumsnetty hugs.

Thanks everyone . I called a helpline and I am also waiting for someone from the mother and baby community team to call me today. My husband is at work til 8:30pm and my friend who I would usually talk to is on until 8:45pm so I won’t bother her . I spoke to my husband last night and he told me if I don’t get help he’s going to take my to a&e because he can’t cope not knowing if I’ll be here when he gets home .
I’m not sure what to do with myself today

Hello OP, I commented on your other thread. I hope you get a call soon from the mother and baby team, it is great that you called a helpline. If it is taking too for them to call you please call your husband home from work or consider taking yourself to a and e. Your health visitor should also be around today. Try to keep occupied today and then talk as openly as you can when you get to speak to the workers you need .

OP I am like this at the moment too, although today is slightly better than yesterday. I fucking hate this feeling. I told my DP how I was feeling yesterday- he sent me a text saying he hopes I feel better soon. This feels like a punch in the face.
I reverted to self harm yesterday too. It's such crap.
The Samaritans have been really really useful for me, because it means I can talk and be completely open about the thoughts in my head without the feeling of guilt for making my loved ones worried. Please call them when you get any urges. You are not alone and you will get better.