Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

Good morning @PumpkinSpicedLatte

I am so sorry that you are having a really hard time. You sound really strong and there are loads of people here for you. I
hope you were able to find someone to chat to last night and support you. You can do this and you are doing this. It can get much better.

You are reaching out continue to do so xx

You are going to get through this OP. I have had depression as well and it tricks you into thinking all the negative things are real but they are not. Get as much help as you can - friends, professional help. Your baby loves you so much. You will get through this and your life will be amazing I promise x

Be strong OP for yourself and your child. Hope you get to A and E and they are helpful. You will at least be seeing different doctors.

Hi again PumpkinSpicedLatte,

We're so sorry to hear that you're in a dark place again. We really hope you took comfort from the advice and support you were given by other Mumsnetters last night, and that you were able to go to A&E. You would absolutely not be wasting anyone's time.

We're just going to add some support links again, to save you scrolling back up the thread.

You can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123.

You can also get help from a new text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. Shout is a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.

There's also the PANDAS Foundation which was set up to provide support through pre- and postnatal depression. Their website is here and they have a free helpline, available Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776 - there's more info about the helpline here. We know they've helped many MNers in the past so please give them a call.

Please keep talking here, too, OP. We really hope you're okay.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte still here for you ❤️💐

@PumpkinSpicedLatte Hope that you’re getting the help and support you need & deserve Pumpkin.

I hope you're okay Pumpkin, I've just read the full thread and my heart bleeds for you. ❤️

Hi everyone . Thank you for all being so kind I don’t know what I’d do without your support during these awful lonely , dark times . The mother baby unit are seeing me for an assessment on Thursday so we will see what they say. My husband has now left , which is why I’ve been MIA on here the past few days , so I’m so sorry about leaving the thread the way I did. It’s so incredibly hard , my friends have been amazing and the support on here has equally been an absolute godsend . My friend took me shopping and I got myself a new candle as I love them, so I’ve lit one , she got me a book by my favourite author so I’m sat with a candle lit , book in hand and also trying to sort the finances out . I can’t yet see the light but at least my house smells like pumpkin and I have my book to read and my daughter is asleep peacefully

So good to see you posting OP, you are incredible just carrying on as you have been in spite of everything. That takes some incredible strength & is so difficult to do when you can't see the light. It sounds like you're doing all the right things & taking some time for yourself is so important. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, but so pleased you have support from friends & MN.

OP I've just read your whole thread, I have an 8 month old daughter as well who is in bed asleep next to me and I can't believe how much you've had to go through, I'm sure you don't feel it but you are amazing and so strong. I'm so glad you have your friend for support and I really hope that the mother and baby unit can help you. BTW I love your username, I used to have a gerbil called Spiced Pumpkin

Hi Pumpkin Good to know that your safe and getting an assessment this week for the m&b unit. That’s really good news and hopefully will lead you to the right support & help you’ve been asking for.

Sounds like you’re being very brave in the light of your husband leaving. So nice to know that you’re friends have rallied around you. They sound like very good friends who really care.
Having your candle & book with your wee girl asleep sounds very serene. Hope you can relax and get some much needed rest.
🕯

Hello Pumpkin, your candle and book sound lovely, you've inspired me to order 2 books myself. I hope reading gives you some kind of escape from it all. 📖❤️

Hi there Pumpkin, I understand how you feel ‘I don’t want to kill myself but don’t want to go on anymore’ as I’ve felt the same very recently. My babies are now adults but I’m going through other crap and it’s hard right now.
You have lots of love and support on here and I hope and trust you will receive good support from the mother and baby assessment. Take care
💐

How did you get on today op?

Hey Pumpkin. Just read your thread.....what a difficult time and how frustrating for you. You have lots of support on here, day or night, so come back and reach out when you need to ❤️ Hope you got some reassuring progress yesterday xx

Hi @PumpkinSpicedLatte,

So much good advice and compassion on this thread...can't add anything useful, am afraid, as am still reading through, but just wanted to add my support.

We have your back.
#teamPumpkin

I've just read this post and honestly crying for what happened to you and the awful care you have received. I also had my 3rd baby during lock down (12 months now so in the first few weeks of the first lockdown) and it has been bloody awful and it's my 3rd ! I've been saying all this time when I've been struggling because of this pandemic that it's the first time mum's I really feel for. I had my first baby 10 years ago now when I was 18 and had awful PND and contemplated killing myself and my child when psychosis took over. It was honestly the worst time of my life. I really really feel for you and would love to know how your doing now ? I can't believe your husband left at a time like this when you are at your most vulnerable. My childs dad also left when my second was a year old. I don't know how they can do it they are so selfish sometimes and can't see what we as moms go threw in the first year especially of our babys life's. But been with my new partner for 5 years nearly and we have a 1 year old and he's amazing. I really hope this is your reality too one day and I'm very hopeful it will be. Honestly you should pat yourself on the back you've done amazing and to breast feed is also amazing so well done. I breast fed my first for 11 months with pnd and she was very similar to your girl the constant crying not taking any bottles on my boob ect. She was honestly a nightmare but I look back now and see it was most likely because I was so poorly, not to say you made her that way she would have been that way regardless as I've seen now with my 3rd little girl (boy in between and he was so easy bottle fed and slept threw) she has been a clingy nightmare too ! And breastfed for first 3 months and I've not been no where as poorly as I was with my first and she's been just as much hard work lol. My 10 year old is pretty amazing loving and an amazing big sister to her siblings and life is alot more manageable now. I have long term mental health issues anyway since I was 15 and I can honestly say I have never felt as bad as I did that first year 10 years ago. Bit of a rant so sorry for that but just wanted to show this isn't your forever even if you can't see that right now.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte

Please ignore if you want to but I wondered whether you would want to link to a new thread with a different title and all the followers from here could come with you? Sounds like another difficult chapter to navigate now but a new thread might help you to feel a bit stronger?

Following and wish you all the best

Hi everyone . I actually came to check in to say im having another bad bad day. I don’t want to talk to any friends as I’m in the head space of being a burden and just feeling like I can’t do it anymore . I just want to stop being a bother to people :(

Thank you . My friend has just rang me and she’s on her way . So , I’m safe . Just in case anyone on here does worry , I’m not alone for the night now . I’m so lucky you’re all so good to me .

@PumpkinSpicedLatte

That's a good friend.

Hopefully, you've been able to get some sleep.

But, in case not, and an anonymous friendly ear might help, this just to say I'm likely to be around on MN for the next hour or so.

Insomnia. Again.