Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

Hi pumpkin, I just want to say hi and give you a virtual hug. I semi know what you are going though but not as bad.

I had a m/c back at the beginning of lockdown which broke me. I remember working from home and looking out my window (I’m in third floor apartment) and actually googling what feet of falling would definitely kill you and not just maim you.

It was terrifying how it was almost an idle thought but very much meant in that moment.

I called the dr that afternoon and went on sertraline (I’m in Channel Islands so no NHS we are all private) and it saved my life.

Just a reminder because sometimes it feels like you’re the only person in the world who feels this bad - every day you are doing amazingly. You’re a great mum and your daughter is totally dependent on you and you are her world.

Things are so overwhelming but you are not a burden. You are wonderful and you matter. And I don’t want to be glib or try to negate this in anyway but this time in 6 months you will feel like a different person. I promise.

You matter. (Til I’m blue in the face. Til you believe it)

Stay strong and when you can’t be strong, stay distracted and do something nice for you.
Even if it’s just listening to your fave song with a cuppa and a (pack of) chocolate digestives(s)

You matter x

Hang in there my love x

Sleep deprivation can make any problems a million times worse! And the developmental leaps - don't get me started! 🙄

We are about to start the 9th leap and are cutting molars at the moment, so I feel your pain x my little 💗 is 16 months old and was up at 5am this morning, she's only had a 40 min nap today 😩

He needs to take the day off . End of. The little person has had 8 weeks of your undivided attention and fantastic. No time to back off and look to yourself.

@randomer he won’t take the day off, and hasn’t got any time off now until Feb. I’ll have to do it alone . Which sucks .

@Changedname81 thank you so much, you’re a wonderful person 💗

@Seriously79 oh gosh 😭 you must be so tired ! X

Thank you for all keeping me company and giving me somewhere to turn to. Especially when I don’t want to burden my friends x

Yep @PumpkinSpicedLatte I'm hanging. We have come away for a few days too 💗 is sleeping in a travel cot for the first time in our room. I'm desperate to go to bed now, but my 12 year old 💙 is loving being away and wants to stay up with us. 😴 x

Sorry @PumpkinSpicedLatte, but he can claim one day off, surely?
Little person will be absolutly fine, stick with the HV and the nursery nurse and the massage. Mad thought, but could you pay for like a carer , so you can get your head down for an hour ot two?

@randomer I’ve asked him and he says because he is still new to this job he doesn’t want to be seen as taking the mickey, even though in his profession they’d be more than happy to accommodate and understand that he’s trying to be there for his wife . But he says he doesn’t want to. Which is fine I’ll just figure something else out. Not sure what yet

@randomer I could afford to get someone to come and help for two hours or so, that’s not such a bad idea actually

I’ve found a private counsellor online , I’ve sent off a referral tonight . Should hear back next week . I’m thinking it’ll be easier to tell the therapist about my worsening thoughts than it is with my two close friends as I’m scared of them finding me too much and walking away.
I’ve never felt so lonely and so empty before. It’s awful

I could afford to get someone to come and help for two hours or so, that’s not such a bad idea actually

A light dawns!!! Honestly , thats a big shift. Do it.

And a counsellor, fantasic . WELL DONE.

I have a call with the psychiatrist today who told me i don’t warrant Medication. I’ll come back later and let you know how it’s gone

Please do.

They're putting me back on sertraline 100mg starting dose

You will get through this, out the other end and carry on with your life and enjoy your family. I know it doesn't seem like it right now.

Gosh I have just read your thread back and I am shocked. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'm happy they have put you back on the medication and you have an appointment with a psychiatrist/counsellor.

If you are exclusively breastfeeding and struggling with the lack of sleep due to your daughter needing to feed all the time could you perhaps think about combined feeding? That was you could see if she would take a large bottle feed before bed to see if she could sleep for a bit longer?

Sleep is massive contributing factor to mood so it might help a little?

Having another really bad evening today , it’s been such a long day with my husband being at work from 6am and won’t be back for another hour and a half (so 9pm). I haven’t been out today.
@lalalalaloo I take my hat off you for reading my whole thread , thank you for taking the time to read it . It’s a rollercoaster that’s for sure .
We have tried my daughter with a bottle and she won’t take it. I’ve spent a good £50 maybe more on different bottles , teats , all sorts and she won’t take one even if it’s expressed milk. I’ve spent a fortune on pumps too as I wanted to pump as much as I could to try and get her to take a bottle. Nothing works. She’s better at night but in the day it’s relentless , only way to get her to not be on my breast all the time is have her in a wrap and she’ll sleep for a good 4 hours. But that’s only if I go out walking . My husband tried her the other day with formula and she projectile vomited on the fresh sheets I’d put in the bed and I just cried haha. Got to laugh haven’t you? 😭 honestly I welcome any advise at all. I wish I could share a photo of my daughter on here honestly it’s a good job she’s quite cute.

Hi 👋 @PumpkinSpicedLatte

Just read the whole thread and I am full of admiration that you have continued on. You should be very, very proud of yourself.

I am sorry that you're having a tough day. I just wanted to say that I too had PND and had suicidal thoughts, and have made it through. It's like coming out of a cloud - you emerge out the other side and you don't recognise or remember the unhappy you.

You can do this.

Also - with the bottle - it takes time. It took ages for my DD to get the hang of it, but she did!

When is your husband coming home?

@absolutehush thank you also for reading the thread and for your kind words . I’m sorry you too experienced PND, but it’s nice to see you came out the other side . How long did it take you to get through it ?

I’ll keep trying her with the bottle . I just want to be able to have some relief ( especially when we have visitors . I am anxious about breastfeeding in front of some people , mostly family .
My husband should be back in an hour. He usually goes straight to bed though . I’ve done bath time and I’m just sat sobbing now . So fed up.

Well my DD is 1.5 now, and I think it started to get better at about 6 months and was drastically better at 10 months and really fantastic at 15 months. She brings me so much joy.

I suspect that all sounds really, really far away but it's not. It will come, and faster than you think.

Something I found really helpful to think about was that everyday that passed was one day closer to feeling better and also one day closer to my DD being bigger, less intense and less demanding.

Being tired had a huge impact on your emotional and mental state. The way you feel right now - this isn't you, this isn't your life - this is just a phase and part of the journey of parenting - it is not a permanent feeling.

Have a good cry, let it out. It's no use bottled up inside.

pumpkin sympathies - that's a really long day

I think breastfeeding plays havoc with hormones and emotions, I'm crossing my fingers, baby takes the bottle and you can have the option of moving on to formula fully.

Food for thought - the nursery I used took babies from 6 weeks old. One morning a week through to five full days. Could give you a bit of space whilst working through the PND illness. Always bewildered me that PND is recognised as an illness yet you would be given more chance to get well again if you had glandular fever or some other illness.

Best of luck to you, you sound a real sweetheart.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice re feeding but I’ve been reading through the thread and just wanted to say how lovely you come across! I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you’ll get through this, you’ll find the way to do it. I’ve had Councelling and CBT various times for various things too and I’ve always came out of it feeling a whole lot better. I hope you find something that helps you. You sounds like such a lovely wife friend and mum! Keep fighting your fight!

@PumpkinSpicedLatte is your husband home? Hope you're getting a hug, a cuppa and taking a moment.