Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

Just seeing how you are today Pumpkin?

Hope that your medication is starting to help, if not then A&E is still there

Reading your posts you sound such a caring and considerate person, the world is definitely better with you in it

Hi everyone, still very low but trying so hard to stick around. The sertraline is making me tired , but I’m hoping it kicks in soon. I feel so guilty for being so unhappy. I saw my friend today and had a chat, she’s so good I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I constantly think about suicide at the moment, how I’d do it, the fact my daughter and husband deserve better. I’m so lost. Tired. Sad.
@jackstini you’re too kind thank you x

I find myself thinking if the professionals of the perenatal team have told me to wait 5 weeks for help then I’m not worthy enough to get help , so why waste their time ? They’re better off without someone like me asking for help , you know?

NO. The 5 weeks has nothing to do with you and how much you need help. It’s just that sadly there are many people needing their help and they won’t be a massive team.
You deserve to get better. Your DD and DH deserve to have you feeling better. Hang on in there OP.

Feeling unworthy of help is a symptom of your depression, OP. It is absolutely not true, and when you are well again you will realise that.
Depression affects how we react to everything. It can make you feel guilty for things that were never your fault, and it makes you interpret everything in the most negative light.
The Sertraline will take a while to work. It stops you excreting your “happiness chemical”, serotonin, so rapidly. But you have to wait while the level of serotonin slowly builds up towards normal.
As it begins to work, your energy and motivation will improve before your mood does, so you may find yourself getting angry and irritable rather than flat and passive.
That’s ok, it’s a good sign that you’re on your way up. But if you find the increased energy is making you more active in suicidal plans, it’s vital that you seek help at that point. Go to A and E if there is no open access psychiatric unit for psych emergencies in your area. And warn your DH and friend to be on the lookout for you needing help.
Please keep talking, keep letting them know how you are feeling and thinking. Depression is not something to fight alone - you need the protection of good support and communication. Keep going, OP, one day at a time, and the better days will come. You can get through this if you let people help you. And you ARE worth helping!
Sending you strength and my prayers for your recovery.

I received my letter from the psychiatrist this morning , the one who saw me when I was in hospital with my daughter 4 weeks ago. He’s written I don’t warrant medication and that I’m just a typical first time mum. If he’s not going to help me then everything is just pointless. What’s the point in seeking help when you just get turned away because you’re not ill enough in their eyes ?
I give up . I really do.

What a useless psychiatrist, that is quite scary if his assessments are so poor. Keep on with the meds and talking to your friend , did you get hold of the Health Visitor ?

@Sleepingdogs12 my HV is so good and she told me to call the ward and they turned me away saying I will be assessed in 6 weeks time to see how I am. And the psychiatrist has said the same. My husband says ignore him and focus on those that care but what’s the point in even carrying on ? I can’t cope with this pain any more. My HV is lovely and I’ve texted her to tell her what the doctor has said and I’ve said I’m going to stop the meds because of he doesn’t think I’m ill enough then why fill myself with drugs that aren’t needed

No no no.Why would you allow one random man to take over your life like that? He is incorrect. Do not listen.

Stay on the medication.

No one in the world will ever be as valuable to your daughter as you are. You are her mum. She needs you. She really does - you, just as you are.

Your brain is playing horrible tricks on you, but you can get through this, and you need to.

@Oxyiz I can’t do it anymore

OP it sounds like you're trying to cut off your nose to spite your face. I know you feel down but don't stop the medication before it's been given a chance to work. You've been given information on organisations that can help, why don't you turn to them for support?

Your home visitor sounds great, well done for contacting her. Keep taking the medication, get outside and go for a walk. The endorphins and fresh air will help lift your mood and, if nothing else, it will take your mind of things for a while.

You have people around you who love you and are supporting you, your husband is right. Focus on your beautiful baby who loves you unconditionally and who needs you in her life.

Your mental health has spiralled since the psychiatrist saw you four weeks ago. He doesn't know the situation now. Keep going. You're doing really well.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte keep taking your meds, it will make you feel better, just give it time to kick in. There are other women on here who have been where you are and come out the other side. You can do that too.
Does your husband realise just how bad you are feeling?
Keep going op. Your daughter and husband want and need you here. They are not better without you. You can get through this.

Time to go to A and E I think OP.

Good to know your HV is good. You know the psych report is wrong or not up to date so don't stop taking the medication and carry on talking to people around you.

Mental health services are seriously underfunded. I know all about it.

Keep taking the meds OP, they make you feel shitty for a while then it gets better. I am worried you are at risk, so please ask your DH to take you to A&E. Tell them what you told us. Don't be embarrassed or feel like you are causing a fuss. You definitely are not causing a fuss. You need help today.

@pumpkinspicedlatte I feel for you. I tried to commit suicide at the end of may, I ended up in ICU for a week. You will probably feel worse before you feel benefit from the sertraline - this is standard and there are warnings in the medication leaflets about this.
What you need to know is you are worthy of the help you need. If you really do feel suicidal and cant keep yourself safe, you need to go to a and e or call 111/999. This will be logged against your medical records.
If posting on here helps, post on here. If you need to dm someone, you're welcome to message me. I have an 11 yo DS.

I know how hopeless things can feel sometimes but I am feeling much better now and despite how it feels now, things will improve for you too, I promise. You just have to hold on, mama xx

OP I've been where you are now, 7 years ago. Sertraine eventually got me through, and time. You won't believe me now but you will feel better. I'm in South West, what area are you in?

Have you told your HV you are currently suicidal? Please call her or go to A&E. You 100% deserve help; you recognise your issues and have the will to get better for your family and yourself

There are some people that are not helping you which is so disheartening, but there are people that will want to - please reach out to them x

Hi PumpkinSpicedLatte,

We're really sorry that you're feeling so very low. We've posted on your other thread - not sure if you've seen our post yet, so we're also posting on this one.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters here, but we'd like to point you in the direction of an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through pre- and postnatal depression. Their website is here and they have a free helpline, available Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776 - there's more info about the helpline here. We know they've helped many MNers in the past so please give them a call.

The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

We also wanted to share a link with Mind's information on Managing mental health problems with a new baby. It's an online booklet for any parent living with a mental health problem, with suggestions on what you can do to help yourself and your baby. It also explains what support is available and includes information for friends and family. Please do take a look.

We really hope you're okay.

Ring your GP. It doesn't matter how crap they are. Use words like "CRISIS" and "SAFEGUARDING ISSUE". Do it now, or get somebody to do it for you.

How are you doing op?

How are you OP? we are all thinking of you. Please talk on here. So many of us have been there and felt exactly the same way as you're describing. You can do this. Just one day at a time. Please hold on x

Yes I've been thinking of you OP. Really hoping you've got some help in real life.

How are you doing?

Hi everyone. No change other than feeling almost numb . It’s gotten to the point where I’m telling the two people I trust the most that I’m feeling ok. Because I just can’t bare to keep burdening them with my thoughts. I went to the out of hours doctors and they told me to call 111 if I feel in need, and that there’s nothing they can do. My friend came to my rescue the other day to take my daughter off me for 10 mins so I could just breathe. I cried. A lot. And then that evening when my daughter was having her witching hour cry, I just absolutely crumbled and genuinely planned my way out of this. My husband came home Within minutes of me acting on it and I was just screaming I was so so broken. I spoke to the doctor today who told me because I seem of sound kind enough to tell people when I’m suicidal he doesn’t think I’ll act on it and that I know to call 999 in crisis so I don’t fit their criteria . I give up. Basically they want someone to attempt or succeed before they take mental health seriously . They say I don’t want to hurt my daughter so that obviously makes me seem of sound mind . I want to hurt myself but that’s ok in their eyes. I want this all to end . I want to go.