Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

I just imagine how good everyone’s lives will be if I leave. I haven’t eaten in two days because it’s the only thing I can control right now. I am such a shell of the person I once was. I’m exhausted . If I leave, the doctors would soon regret dismissing a mother who so desperately needed help and begged for help and got turned down. The psychiatrist even said in my letter that I get up and dressed everyday and look peaceful . As if that makes a difference . I’m 26 on Sunday and feel like a waste of utter space . This isn’t how my life should be. I’m not what my daughter and husband deserve. I need to cry but nothing is coming out.

You sound exactly like me when I had PND. I was 26 too and it was really bad around the 5 week stage. I can tell you though it 100% gets better. My daughter is 4 and a half now and my life is so much better.

I know now how awful it would have been to leave her without a mother and my husband without a wife. You are important and you are loved. It's hard to see it at the time but you are of value.

I'm still on citalopram but I'd recommend it as it helped me massively. You are needed and though it's hard to see now you will be happy again 🌺

Please tell your husband to take you to a and e. You absolutely need and deserve help. Psychiatrist is utterly crap, I'm appalled by him.
Tell your husband it's an emergency and you're not safe to be left alone and repeat that at a and e.

@darkparadise did you ever see yourself getting better at the time ? I read about so many women seeing the light but I just don’t . I am so tired of it all and having to put a face on because I can’t bare to scare people about how I’m feeling . I don’t want those close to me to walk away because I get too much . I have no reason to think this way as my friend is always saying she wouldn’t help me if she didn’t care and my husband says the same but in my head I don’t believe anyone could care for me.
@Eekay my husband is snoring away , he has work in 5 hours and I would hate to wake him. He works 15 hour days . I don’t deserve help . I’m such a failure

I can’t take citalopram or any other anti depressants due to being epileptic, the only one I can take is Sertraline . And I hate it at the moment I feel awful on it :(

@PumpkinSpicedLatte please don’t give up. The fact that the services you need can’t see you when they should (THEIR failure, not yours) is nothing to do with your worth but due to their own short comings. All the negative thoughts you’re hearing are coming directly from your depression, your illness ( and it is an illness) is trying to get you to do stuff.

You look at your daughter saying she deserves better, she doesn’t want “better” she wants and needs you, only you. Depression is a nasty bastard and can be a very convincing one. You are NOT a drain on anyone’s wellbeing, you’re battling with a very difficult illness.

A lot of us have been there, I remember full well the plotting of how I was going to “go”, I’m so glad and grateful that I didn’t, only years after did I see it for what it is. It still creeps up on me but I recognise it now and can give it the fuck off it deserves. You can get through this, your GP is an idiot (they’re not all like this, can you find another?). I can resonate with several pp’s about their experiences, I ended up on citalopram too along with talking therapy. It really helped me when I was told it’s caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain.

Keep talking here, take one minute at a time, you are worthy you really are.

Just seen you can’t take citalopram, a good GP would find another. You’re not a failure, you’re being failed, but you will get help eventually.

Hi, couldn't not respond. Keep going and hang on in there, I'm sure you are loved and valued. Don't give up. I don't have the answers but I want you to have hope. Take each minute, hour and day at a time. Sorry if I've missed this but did you speak to your husband? I hate to think of anyone feeling like this, it's awful, I've been there. Sending love and hugs xx

Please hang in there @PumpkinSpicedLatte
How has today been?

Hi lovely. Call 111now or get husband to take you to A/E Asap...you are very poorly and need emergency care 💐

Sorry OP, just seen you have told your hubbie x

Sorry OP the thread hadn't updated.
I think your husband needs to take you to A and E
Please please go xxxx

I think all antidepressants are shit at the beginning. I felt bad for weeks until suddenly I felt better. At the time I didn't think it would get better ever. It's the depression warping your mind.

The baby stage was really hard for me. Everyone says you'll feel this amazing bond and pure love and I was just numb actually and didn't feel that.

As soon as your daughter is older and developing more into her own little person you'll feel better, I did anyway. I used to think I'd just kill myself and then my husband could meet someone new and they'd be a family together without me crying constantly.

At one point I used to drive around all night crying while my husband looked after our daughter. I'd try and work up the courage to crash my car into something so I'd die.

Now I think that's ridiculous and even if he got with Mary poppins and it was all sunshine and rainbows I'm still the better option for my daughter because I'm her mum and she'll only ever have one. And she would miss out if I left.

I used to do one nice thing for myself a day when things were bad. A long bath or watching a film, it can be anything. I didn't feel like I deserved it at the time but I did. The more kind you are to yourself the more you start to value yourself and see yourself in a better light.

You do deserve to be happy and you made a human being so you're strong and important. It isn't your fault you feel this way. It's honestly amazing how differently I felt in time. It's just a process getting though it but you will eventually. You will look back on this and feel totally differently I promise :)

Hi, I am really hoping the medication starts to help soon, it is good that you are persevering with this and your friend is still helping. I hope you are able to take some comfort from the other posters who have come out the other side of this and will begin your see yourself getting there too.

Begin to see yourself

Thinking of you this morning OP xx

Couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry that your feeling this way.

Your daughter loves you, because you are you, you are so important to her - I don't say this to put pressure on you, and I'm not meaning to second guessing what your going through x

I'm so sorry that your gp has let you down, like previous posters have said, please go back, ask to see someone else, ask for a different medication.

Keep in touch, we are all here ready to listen and help, please keep going this can get better for you x

No it isn't the only way. You would highly benefit from staying on a MBU. Please refer and go as soon as possible. They WILL help you. X

@darkparadise this was me too. I felt exactly the same way. There was no light for me, I felt like it would never ever get better. But it did. For me it was around the nine month mark that I noticed how far I'd come.

@PumpkinSpicedLatte PLEASE continue with the sertraline. I'm not a doctor, but its helped so many people, in particular women with depression. I took it for a year and it saved my life. I promise you it can get better. Suicide isn't the only option. I came so close and I'm glad I didn't do it. Please hold on. Do whatever you have to do to get through this. If you tell the crisis team that you're having bad thoughts about your daughter you'll be in there quicker than you're off the phone.

Can you tell us where you're based? If any of us are close enough maybe someone could come and see you?

@iloveyoubutilovememore I tried and they told me I’m of rational mind to ask for help so they say because I won’t act on it , to just stay on sertraline

@iloveyoubutilovememore Derbyshire . I’m so glad you were saved and are happy again, you deserve it x

I wish I had the answers for you, I truly do x I'm so sorry that you have been let down by the system.

I wish I knew of a way to help you directly, but I don't think that's allowed on here 🤔You've been in my thoughts for a while now, and i wish I could do more for you x

I'm thinking of you, and I'm here, I'm just sorry that it's via this forum and not directly. I'm sending you a virtual hug, I've made you a cuppa tea and got the biccies in x

@Seriously79 thank you so much. I wish there was a way too . Biscuits and A cuppa sounds perfect