Suicidal today but don’t dare tell anyone

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

I wrote a post the other day on here asking if things get better , and had some lovely people comment on it with their experiences. I have PND. I have a 5 week old .

I’m getting worse and it’s the weekend so I’m even more scared than usual to reach out to anyone . Two of my very close friends know I’m struggling and so does my husband . My husband has been out all day with some friends (which I am ok with ), I’ve come out on a walk with my daughter and I just feel awful. I look at her and I think she deserves so much better than me. My husband deserves a better wife and would my two friends be ok without me as I just burden them with my worries. Who wants a suicidal friend anyway?
I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to go on anymore .

OP, check whether your local health trust has an open access psych unit. Up here in Edinburgh, the Royal Ed has a unit staffed 24 hours which you can just walk into - you don’t need a GP referral - and you will be assessed on the spot by a psych nurse. It can be a faster route to getting consultant psych help.
As PPs have said, your feelings of worthlessness are not real or reasonable. They are just triggered by the depressive process in your brain.
You are loved, you are valued, you are a good mother and your DH and child would be devastated to lose you.
Seek treatment not only so you can feel happier and have your normal life back, but also for them, so they can keep the wife and mum they love and need.
PND is a horrible illness, but it is treatable. Do not suffer it needlessly, when antidepressants can turn it around for you. I’ve seen many patients with it over the years, and once they have recovered they find it hard to believe that they ever had such terrible negative thoughts.
Sending you my best wishes and prayers that you soon get the medical help you heed to be well and happy again.

@Sleepingdogs12 thank you so much. The baby unit just called and told me to hold on until I get an appointment with a psych specialist in 5 weeks, which feels like a bit of a mickey take really when I can’t even see myself living for that long . I feel so let down and this has just made me feel even more worthless and that there’s no point me being here as I evidently don’t deserve the help. I don’t know how I’ll get through this .

@RantAndDec I’m so sorry you feel this way too and I’m sorry your DP said that, that’s not really the response you need. I so desperately want to call my friend to ask her to come out of work because my husband can’t come out of work, he isn’t contactable at work as he works in high security and can’t have his phone and I don’t even know the number to contact him . But I don’t want to burden my friend .

@Babdoc thank you for your comment , you’re so thoughtful to have written such lovely things. I hope I can see myself as valued as you say I am. Thank you and I’m sending you a very unmumsnetty hug

OP first of all, well done for contacting the helpline. You're doing so, so well.

You can find local support here. Just put in your post code and it will tell you local services.

Contacting 111 is the best option if you are in a mental health crisis as they are in contact with crisis teams as well as your local NHS Single Point of Access for mental health services team, if there's one in your area.

Your local Dr should have emergency appointments for today and I would call them to make an urgent appointment. Don't go to your primary GP as they've been unhelpful.

You can also contact your Health Visitor.

If you are finding it difficult to be seen quickly, then you may need an advocate. You can read up on what an advocate does here.

For specific help on post natal depression:

Association for Post Natal Illness (APNI) – helpline on 020 7386 0868 (10am to 2pm, Monday to Friday) or email [email protected]

Pre and Postnatal Depression Advice and Support (PANDAS) – helpline on 0843 28 98 401 (9am to 8pm, Monday to Sunday)

NCT – helpline on 0300 330 0700 (8am to midnight, Monday to Sunday)

Mind, the mental health charity – infoline on 0300 123 3393 (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday) or email [email protected]

You can also search for local support groups and find details of national telephone or email support lines on the Maternal Mental Health Alliance website.

Pls do t be embarrassed & hold back what you really want to tell people when you manage to talk to them.
If they haven’t rang you, ring them
Unfortunately you are a bum yin a long list of people, BUT saying that it’s YOU that as to take the control. Get as much help as you think you need, and ask for it

Phone your health visit NOW if you haven’t already, she will have a pushing power
If she’s any good

Don’t sit and wait for people take the reigns pls

God that was all pre texted ! Sorry should of read before posting

Just read update, not good enough
Mh is even more busy than normal due to covid
But I know how bad you feel when you want instant help. I really do
I’ve suffered depression & high functioning anxiety ( not pnd)

Could u go private as an option?

I really unfortunately don’t think you will get the help you want for yourself
There’s not the resources now
So take yourself down to a&e
???!
Are u a person who can not take NO for an answer?? Able to speak up for yourself?
I have only learnt this with age and mh issues (not knowing how desperate I was)
Loud loud & louder

Oh OP this can get better I promise. Don’t think of 5 weeks. What can you do to get through the afternoon? Anywhere you can go? Anyone you can chat to.

Hi, remember the response from the baby unit isn't a personal response about you or your worth. It is just procedure and processes. What advice did they give if you need support before then? Please phone your health visitor or go to A and E if you need to.When your husband gets home you could show him the threads you have written on here. You will get the help you need and things will get better .

Hi there,I think it may be utterly terrifying to voice your true feelings.Could you write a brief note to trusted friends and partner.Something like, I need to tell you I am in very bad place right now and I am having dark thoughts.

Please feel free to message me, I have been through this and out the other side.

Or ring the doctor say I have a baby,I feel like I want to harm myself,I need help.

Can you try 111 and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts.

Then hopefully you will get an assessment and you can show / link them to this thread if you can't face speaking to them.

Hows it going today?

@randomer i am still feeling terrible but I spoke to my friend yesterday and I’ve also commenced on sertraline because nobody will see me for 5 weeks and I think surely the drugs can’t make me feel any worse than I do already and if they’ll stop me from even planning to kill myself then it’s worth trying . My friend said she’ll check in with me multiple times a day and is going to keep me busy. My husband says he can’t take time out of work to be with me so I’ll try my best to stay busy.

And I’ll make sure I try and call 111 or crisis team if I start to want to plan anything. I just keep looking at my daughter and I just feel like she deserves better than me

OP, I’m so pleased for you - it’s really encouraging that you are taking steps to help your recovery. That is so positive! I know you are still struggling, but it feels like a big change in your post compared to the original one. Starting on treatment shows that you have not given up in despair, you are actively fighting the depression.
Sertraline, like all antidepressants, takes a while to be fully effective, so I an glad your friend is available to keep you going until it is.
May I suggest you also use a cognitive technique alongside this?
Every morning and evening, and whenever you feel suicidal and need a boost, try reciting a positive mantra three times out loud to yourself.
For example “I am loved, I am valued, I am a good mother”.
The idea is to challenge the depressive delusion that tells you you are worthless. Repeating the positive statements gradually reprograms your brain, and “dials down” the negative thoughts.

It all sounds a bit hippy woo, but it is a technique used by reputable therapists and I can vouch that it helps. Give it a bash!
Finally, may I say I was v touched at you sending me an unmumsnetty hug. You are obviously a lovely affectionate person - and when your depression is under control with treatment you will be able to see that for yourself again. I am sending you a hug in return, and my prayers and best wishes for a rapid recovery.
Keep talking- to your friend irl, and your friends here on MN, and your DH. Depression loses a lot of its power when you feel supported and cared for - everyone’s concern shows you categorically that you are NOT worthless. We all feel you are worthy of time and care. God bless.

What area are you in OP?

if you genuinely feel that you can't keep yourself safe, presenting at A&E is absolutely the right action to take. You will be assessed by the mental health/psychiatric liaison team

So pleased you' ve talked to your friend and started medication. It may take a while to feel better but you will get there .

She doesn’t deserve better than you. She (and you) deserve you to be better. You can be OP.

Sertraline can have some weird side effects (I found I was clenching my jaw involuntarily!) but honestly OP it will help if you stick with it. I thought I could wean myself off them and I am having such a low day today I've gone straight back on them.

They do take a while to work, but it became my new normal not to think about harming myself on the way to work. No random crying episodes (had 2 today hence taking a tablet) and feeling more positive. It's like a fog lifting and suddenly you can see ahead again.

I'm here OP holding your hand. I care about you and you are a fantastic mum to your little daughter and she needs you. Like someone else said, these feelings aren't real. Don't listen

My heart hurts for you. Just like @ParisianLady I was there too. I became very unwell with PND as soon as my son was born. I reached out and got help and slowly recovered throughout his first year. PLEASE don't waste time in getting the help you need. I know it's so scary and hard admitting that you're not coping. But so many of us go through it.

You can self refer on IAPT for CBT or talking therapy. I would actually say therapy is what helped me the most. I was also medicated for a while which pulled me out of the depression hole I was stuck in.

Take each day at a time. Try to practice mindfulness. If you find your thoughts running away with you, get onto headspace or insight timer and listen to a guided meditation.

Self compassion is a huge one for new mums. Write down every single day some positive parts of your day. Anything you managed to do. How you felt. If you've had bad thoughts, get them down on that paper. Better out than in.

I'm here and am happy to chat privately x

Also just to add - sertraline is AMAZING. Takes a while to kick in but I bet it will help you x

Please please OP and others, we are not medics. Ring the doctor. Ask for another one.

Great you spoke to a friend.

Op my heart goes out to you because I felt exactly the same way but my baby is now 6.5 years old and everything is ok which it will be for you. I didn't take Sertraline I had Citalopram which were really good, they had a few side effects but nothing too terrible. I had some awful dark thoughts which I could never write down but they all stopped after two weeks on the medication. Please let your husband take you to A&E if you feel like you can't cope anymore or ask to see a different more sympathetic GP. My husband wasn't a great help because he didn't know what to do but my best friend was amazing, there were a few times I phoned her at 4am and she was at by house by 5am before she had to start work at 9am, I have a feeling your friend would be the same.

Please keep talking to us and feel free to message me anytime.

The fact that your here asking for help, shows what a great mum you are to your little one, please hold onto that x

I wish I could say something else that would help you to feel better, but please know that you can come out of this x

How are you today?

Just checking in OP. How are you feeling?