I don’t think I want to be here anymore

[Wafflingonagain]

Oh god I started to type this out but there’s so so much I can even include it all. I just thought I’m done

@Wafflingonagain It WILL get better again. Just take one breath at a time. Be kind to yourself. There are so many of us who are routing for you, and you can get support again in RL. Just hang in there. For your DCs. And for yourself too! Sending hugs to you. You really are not alone. xx

wafflingonagain are you ok? I'm worrying about you. My daughter is nine too. You are needed and loved. Don't go anywhere. These hard times will pass, I promise.

Hi waffling

I was in the same position as you a few months ago. Your words are exactly what was coming out of my mouth, that my children would be better off without me and I couldn't tell anyone IRL what was going on as it just felt like attention seeking.

Luckily I found the right balance of meds and therapy, and my mood picked up. I'm feeling much better now. I have told two people IRL what is going on and the little bits of support they are giving me are making my life so much easier.

This week my ds cried and cried and cried going to bed. He said he'd had a nightmare that I died and he was afraid I was going to go away and never come back. He was hysterical and it showed me how he needs and wants me, even if I think he'd be better off without me. I suspect your children feel the same.

Can you speak to your GP about changing meds/accessing more therapy?

I am proof that it can get better so please hang in there.

Can you please say anything that is really worrying you right now. there are people here to listen to you. and help if they can

OP if you are there please keep talking. Between us all we literally will be here for you, all night long, talk if we can help you in anyway.

You are needed and wanted, we are here for you

Listening all night OP. Hugs

waffling we care. We are here. We are "just" strangers on the internet, but we care.
Hang on. You can do it. Be brave love. Fight.

Still here OP. Thinking of you

Hi waffling sending you a hand to hold. There is nothing that can't be fixed please get back to us all, maybe tonight maybe in a few hours. We need to know you are ok. We are just strangers on the internet caring what happens to you. I'm sure you have friends and family that will be devastated if you weren't around anymore.

So much good advice given from some lovely posters. If you can't sleep stay occupied, play your favourite music watch your favourite film, read a book magazine anything to occupy yourself.

You can do this lovely you know you can.

Still here OP.

Thinking of you Op

I’m here too OP. Thinking of you and your children. Wishing you the strength to seek the support you need and deserve 🌸

You’re not seeking attention, you’re seeking support, and that’s absolutely okay and the right thing to do.

Op please ring someone right now for help, even 999 and they will help you.
You are important, you are special and you are worthy of life. Your children need you, they love you and just want to embrace you-none of anything else matters above these points.
If it helps in anyway you can pm me and I will respond.
I can tell you a little of my own struggles, last year I was exactly where you are now. I posted a thread on here and the help I got here was something I shall forever be grateful for, going forward.
All I saw was darkness, I didn't leave my house pretty much ever and retreated from the world.
I listened to the advice given, I got into a routine-just mundane things, like taking a walk outside. Eating actual meals and started to engage with a few people.
I still am on my journey, but tomorrow is another sunrise to try again. Last week I went to my first social engagement after nearly a year and half.
Take small steps, read a book, have bath, eat chocolate- do whatever makes you happy but above all be kind to yourself.
You are your children's' world and they could never replace you, they need you to focus on them, to climb towards them.
I wish you hope, please reach out, we are all here for you.

I was here right at the start and I’m still here.

I’m trying so so hard not to pass it on to her and my son

That speaks volumes about how you are a lovely caring mother to them.

I really hope you are either getting some sleep or some help in RL OP.

We're here for you waffle, please keep talking 💐

Thinking of you Waffling 💐💐

Hi op, lots of people on here who want to help and hear you. Please share. Please know that this is not your fault, not any of it. If you have suffered abuse its not your fault at all and you shouldn't blame yourself. If you are depressed it's a medical illness, not weakness, and you can get help. Please talk.

your not alone.
the nights are the worst.you can be just holding on and ll of a sudden the night hits and its like a wave of "alone" type feeling and how the hell do i do this.
but you do.each moment tonight you were on here thinking you cant get through one more second.but looks how many seconds passed when you were on here!that shows you can.and your just stuck in a tortured set of moments.but you did get through them.you did so well to get through them.
dont give up now.
im sure youve felt this before?and in that moment you thought you couldnt get through.you thought then of ending it? but you get to now.and ues i know things still seem agonsing but imagine if youd ended it then.imagine a life without chance.a chance it might be different.thats all we are all asking of you hun.dont make a permanent disition just now.
its never good to act in times of hight stess,upset or emotional shitstroms.because we act often on the flight or fght our bodies have turned us into to survive.but it does want you to survive.
so does your family.
there is a chance hun.give yourself a chance.never give up the next moment might be different.

Stop. Breathe & repeat. It’s a moment in time. It will get better. Be kind to yourself. Focus on your daughter. She needs her mum. You need respite. Can anyone help in rl?

Life is fleeting. They say you only live once. You don’t. You live every day, you only die once.

Sorry, I think you have a son too. He also needs his mum!

Still here for you @Wafflingonagain and desperately hoping that you made it through the worst night of your life. Hug your daughter, speak to your son and take strength from how many people want you to win, to beat your depression and PTSD and to manage your BPD. It is possible: it will take every ounce of your strength and determination but it is possible

How are you this morning @Wafflingonagain?

@Wafflingonagain I just can’t anymore, I want to die but I have children so I can’t.

I know how you feel, I truly do. But your DC wouldn't be better off without you. My mother left us when I was a toddler. Because of her I know what losing your mother does to a child, I know what losing a sibling does to a child. The knowledge keeps me here. I really really want to let go and stop struggling. But I know what that would do to my children.

Because of my mother's actions my childhood was anxiety ridden, I felt worthless and unlovable and I'm still haunted by those emotions. I'm surviving because I know what it would cost my DC to lose me. My life has been one struggle after another. I struggle with my MH and my self worth and I have significant chronic health challenges, I'm in agony every moment, but I can't let go. I have to hold on.

I'm sure I'm fucking up, a lot. I wish so much my DC could have a better childhood. But me letting go wouldn't help them. It would make life so much worse for them, not better. Your DC need you to cling on to life and keep reaching out till you can find the help you need. If one day at a time is too much, focus on making it through one hour or one moment or one breath at a time. That's what I do when it's really overwhelming, cry till my head aches from it, then breath and survive it one breath at a time.