I don’t think I want to be here anymore

[Wafflingonagain]

Oh god I started to type this out but there’s so so much I can even include it all. I just thought I’m done

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. We care. We want you to be ok.

@Wafflingonagain sending you so much love to get you through the night. Go and check on your daughter. Proof right there that there is absolute love in your life

You can do this OP.

9 years of mothering your daughter.
I’m sure she is lovely and amazes you every day.

Let people help you sort things a bit- you will feel better later.

Well done Waffling for staying with us.

I know it's hard. I know you want to give in. I know you want it to end.

But you know it can't. You know it can't. I've been where you are. I know the lies it tells. You know too. Because you know, when you are well, that you are a good and lovely, and kind mum. That is how you are all the time, but when you are poorly like now you can't see it.

You know what, I once thought like you. What if I pass on my mental health to my kids? Well maybe I will, maybe I won't, maybe they will develop their own issues anyway. But if they do, I'll make damn sure they'll benefit from my life experience to get them through. They'll have an advantage over other kids. Your daughter will be the same.

Sending you much love. Please please dont think you are not worth anything to anyone. You are your daughters world. Is there anyone you can call? Private message me or anyone one of us anytime now please xxxxx

you are important. You do matter. Your children need you.

Oh darling, I have been where you are now.
I understand, your head is telling you all the dark shit, and you believe it, but honestly, it's not true.
Just take a minute and think... Every time this has happened before, it's passed. You have hung on, and made it through, minute by minute. Even second by second.
No matter how fucked up you feel, your child loves you!
Just set yourself to make it through until the sun rises, just a few hours, then try for after DD's breakfast, then dinner, and so on. A little bit at a time.
Tell yourself that this isn't real, it's a blip in your chemistry that is making you have these thoughts, it is NOT YOU!
If you can just hold on, it WILL pass! I promise!
For now, just hold on love. Please. We are here. We care. And if that's not enough, FIGHT! Fight the bastard depression, and the bad chemistry, and hold on through sheer bloody mindedness. You can do it love.

Waffling, I've been where you are and survived my attempt to...well, you know. I'm so glad I was saved because I never could've predicted how much my life changed for the better. So many wonderful things that I wouldn't have experienced if I'd died.

So however hopeless things appear to be, you've got to hang on in there. Things will get better, they will. Please don't harm yourself OP, your daughter needs you and you've better days ahead of you.

X

but there’s so so much I can even include it all

Then tell us only one thing. Even if you're thinking "this is such a stupid thing to feel suicidal about", tell us anyway. If something is making you feel suicidal, then that something is important by definition because it's a clear and present danger to a human life.

Waffling, we know you are there. Keep staying with us. Hang on. Minute by minute. You can do this.

You've been doing this. You say you can't keep doing it. We know you're tired, we know honey, we know. But that's just it. Everytime you've felt like this, you've won, you've got through it, you've beaten it. You might feel like you've never made progress but that's the illness tricking you again. You're here, with your daughter. You may not be thriving but you're surviving. You are winning.

Hold on, please hold on.

Even a really sad miserable Mum is better than no Mum. Can still cuddle and love. Open a can of spagetti hoops. Maybe not cook a 4 course meal that often but hey. Surviving tough times is still living. I absolutely promise you that. Because although it doesn't feel like it this will pass and bright moments will enter your life again and one day the bright moments will come more often and then soon they outweigh the dark times. I have felt so, so, so, low in the past but am feeling bit better now and really I am so relieved I got through it. For me I did go to the Doctor and that helped. Have you been to a Doctor about it at all?

My kids are so glad I am still here to look after them. Your girl will be too. You are her one and only. xxxx

Hold on OP, you’re doing great to have reached out. We’re all here for you, we care what happens to you and your daughter. Sending you love and willing you on 🙏🏻😘

OP, I bet that you didn’t think that so many lovely PPs have also felt how you are feeling today. Is it more normal than you thought? I’m so glad they have shared this with us all and just think, it might be next Saturday, the Saturday after, March or this time next year and you’re telling someone that is feeling how you feel today that it’s so worth just holding on and letting things get better

How are you now, OP?

I have to sleep now OP but you are in my thoughts tonight. I'm sending you all the love and strength I have. You can fight through this. We are all here for you.

This isn’t you talking OP, this is your BPD. You are not your BPD, BPD does not own you and it never will. BPD is a horrible poisoned parrot who speaks nothing but lies. Squawking away trying to make you believe the rubbish it says. But you are stronger than the parrot. The love for your kids is stronger. It is a white light that cannot be ignored and it is so powerful. It’s flooding through you. All that love, fuelled by every kiss, every cuddle, every time a little hand has grasped yours. It is unstoppable. The parrot cannot stand the light and it tries to squawk louder. But you can shut it up. All that love, lights you up and pushes right back against the poison. It’s tough going but you keep focusing on that love, think about your kids laughing, think about their gorgeous faces. You are not your BPD. You are an amazing mum. You’re a warrior for your kids. They love you and you love them.

I know what it’s like living with these horrible mental health conditions. My therapist taught me to think of my mental illness as the poison parrot and to scare it away with love. It helps me a lot through the bad times. Please fight back. You are so loved. Contact the crisis team. You need your meds overhauling and support put in place. I know it feels overwhelming, but you can do this x

What would you say to someone else who posted what you just have? Would you think they were an attention seeker whose kids would be better off without them?

Or would you think: this poor woman, she must love her kids so much, she is reaching out for help in a terrible moment because she knows, deep down and in spite of the pain she's feeling, that she is loved and needed. I hope she holds on because she is so cherished and important!

Can you try and give yourself some of the compassion I know you would give to someone else in this situation? It's hard, I know, it's awful, but you deserve that care and kindness. Even if you don't feel like it right now.

You've received some great advice here from people who know more about this than I do, so I won't add to that.

I just wanted to post here to let you know that my mum has a lot of issues similar to yours and I would be absolutely devastated if she wasn't around anymore. It doesn't make you a bad mum.

@Wafflingonagain. Come and ‘waffle on’ with us. You’re not alone.

HELLO

Your kids need you. They love you!

I have an important question.

Are you potato waffling or pancake-mix waffling? I need to know so I can apply mayonnaise or maple syrup or to the problem as appropriate.

Either way, I’d very much like you to continue waffling in our direction.

I feel like you do (or similar) sometimes. It is terrifying. Some of us are just made wonky or imbalanced or something. It sucks. So hard to feel happiness or joy or to find a point to anything.

And I know exactly what you mean when you think people won’t want to listen. I’ve felt that myself too. It’s so lonely. We are here for you right now. You can say whatever you want.

Hugs. Come back to us, ok?

Stay with us, stay with your children. They need you and love you. Think of yourself at that age and how much you needed your mum. You will get through this, there are brighter times in the future.

Oh @Wafflingonagain I want to give you a huge hug. You aren’t selfish and you haven’t dragged anyone into anything - you’ve posted because there is a little bit of you that knows you need someone to grab your hand and help you pull you out of this. I have been there. It’s dark and it’s horrible. But I promise from the bottom of my heart that this isn’t it forever. Please please call the Samaritans or your GP tomorrow. We are all here for you xx

(((((((((Soft Soft Hugs))))))) OP.🌼

I recently come across these people who can chat and offer advice via text. I booked marked the information as I struggle with mental health, also I hate talking on the phone gives me anxiety.

www.giveusashout.org/get-help/