I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

So why is everyone fed up with you?

This has been going on since November and will last a good few months yet if not longer. I have been under the crisis team several tines and phone the community mental health team regularly. I get paranoid one of the nice crisis team members said most people going through what I'm going through would end up with some mental health problems and I had them to start with.
I wish I could say what was going on but it would definitely out me.
I want to commit suicide but I can't leave my son, I have intrusive thoughts that are crap.

Since they’ve told you it is common to be very upset for quite a while, you would think they’d know you probably need some support for a while! How old is your son? Is he aware of what happened?

My son is 15 and aware of what happened, he has mental health problems and autism, he has not been at school for over a year and is due to take his GCSES soon. He has some support but not the support he needs. I have to fight for everything for him and have not got very far as yet.
I've given myself the weekend off because there is nothing I can change over the bank holiday weekend, but have a list of things to sort next week.i am just not in the right place to do it though.

It must be exhausting to always be trying to see that your son’s needs are met. That is something a good person- a good mom- would do. Why did you say you are a “bad person”?

I'm a bad person because I can't meet his needs because of my own mental health problems. I also have evil intrusive thoughts that wouldn't help him.
I really hate my life if you could call it that.

If you are having thoughts of harming/planning to harm yourself, your son, or someone else, it is an emergency situation.
When is your next appointment with a doctor?

I've spoken to the crisis team tonight because next week all the fighting for the support my son needs starts again and it just started off the obsessive thoughts. I have a really busy day sorting stuff out tomorrow.
I am seeing the go in the morning she see me every week because I don't get paranoid with her. I'm also seeing my CPN in the after noon. The rest of the day wil be spent making phone calls and sending emails.
Thanks for caring.

It’s just a rough patch. A big, jagged-rock, hot blazing sun, uphill rough patch.
Things will work out.

It certainly is a rough patch and likely to get worse before it gets better. I've got a busy day ahead of me hopefully I can find some fight.

Is your son disruptive or unsettled at night? I hope you got enough sleep, and your busy day went reasonably well.

Survived the day, having lots of intrusive thoughts though. There are so many uncertainties in our lives at the moment. And so many incompetent people in the mix.
I had a real big wobble earlier but got through it.
I just can't see anything to look forward to in life
My son does have trouble sleeping but he just listens to music, I think it's a bit better than he was.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP. Did you manage to start on your list of things to do?

Congratulations on handling a difficult day!
I hope the incompetent people were at least respectful towards you.
How far forward are you having trouble imagining? Do you have anything enjoyable planned for tomorrow?

I have an appointment with my support worker today at home, I can't even be arsed to get dressed.
The incompetent people most certainly are not respectful and are the bane of my life.
I have a document to type up today for a big meeting about my son on Monday, I'm not an assertive person so I thought I'd write it down instead.
I really am in a bad place at the moment and appreciate the support on here.

After today’s appointment, do something nice for yourself!
You have been working hard to try to think things through & get things done!
You’ve earned a star just for getting out of bed, putting pants on, and keeping the appointment, when it would have been much easier to not!

Thanks, have had a really lazy day. Typed out a letter for a meeting next week.
I feel lost, I hate going to bed because I don't want to wake up, I guess in a years time things may be better, but I just can't see it and there's a lot of treacle to wade through. I feel quite relaxed today but overwhelmingly sad at what my life has become.

It’s how your life is today. Not how it will always be. Well done on getting that letter done. I hate dealing with correspondence some days.
Can you plan one nice thing to do tomorrow?

My son has an appointment which will take up most of the day. I might be buying a car though, I just need to take it for another test drive before I commit. I only drive very locally at the moment but it will still mean we don't have to rely on my mum to take us shopping and things, plus I hope to have some refresher lessons when life has calmed down a bit.

That would be brilliant. My car makes me so much more independent (live rurally.)

Regarding your comment:
“...in years time things may be better, but I just can’t see it....”

Go as far as you can see, then you will see further.

Having a car would make things easier- but how kind of your mother to be a taxi when needed!
Good job getting the letter typed- and not at the last minute.

Hey I’m a mess - I feel exactly like you - life is too bloody difficult sometimes - it’s a constant fight to be heard by people who should know better - I didn’t get out of bed yesterday - I take the stuff I need to do to bed - can do emails etc from bed - and then when it gets too much I have to sleep. I suffer with depression - my symptoms are pretty bad right now - I have stuff to do things I want to do but I can’t seem to get to where I need to be in my head. So fed up of being let down by people - so tired of fighting - I have to hang on til August - my kids are just starting a levels - I have to keep ok for them but they can tell I’m not - I’m failing miserably as a mum too - can’t even get round to washing up / doing a food shop - simple things that would make a huge difference but I can’t be arsed!

I’ve had bad thoughts too - just don’t want to do this anymore - but I have too - I think that’s the struggle - if I give up what then? So somehow it’s finding the strength to keep going even when you are mentally exhausted -

Just wanted to say I hear you - I get where you are at - you are doing your bloody best for your son I know that - sending whatever I can your way x

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. My son had a really positive CBT session I finally feel like someone wants to help him, although he only gets 4 sessions.
I also bought the car a bit scary driving it on my own but it gives us some independence. Feeling relatively calm but I know how quickly it can change so I'll make the most of it.

It's good that you have support there OP, with your mum nearby, it must be very difficult and stressful. Have you tried joining a support group with other parents of autistic children?