I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

I did have chocolate eclairs but not in the bath.
I can't even talk today feel so low.

Be kind to yourself today.

My anxiety levels were through the roof yesterday. My son starts his GCSEs today and it's another busy week? I'm dreading the GCSES and having an invigilator in the house, I'm dreading how my sons going to react to the actual exams. His focus is about 10 minutes, his first exam is 2 hours.
I hate myself and I want to die, there is no end in sight, I didn't sleep and the crisis team didn't answer the phone. I can see nothing good about myself.

I would hate having my son doing the exams in my house. You can’t see anything good? You are putting him and his needs first. You are struggling but refuse to give in because he needs you. Please keep trying the crisis team.

You’ve done the best you can, and your son will do the best he can today.
Keep trying to call the crisis team.

I've spoken to my CPN she wasn't much help, she says nothing changed since I saw her on Thursday, yes life's still shit. My head is full of negative and freakish thoughts. My anxiety is through the roof, I want more than anything else to be dead.
She's say it will change when I move house, noone gets it I don't want to move house, this isn't my choice. It's a decision that's been taken out of my hands. I don't trust her. I've had 6 months of shit and no end in sight.
I need a break but that is never going to happen, my brain is a big muddle, it's like someone is shooting negative thinking arrows at my head.
I'm seeing my OT tomorrow, I think I'll write down the thoughts that make me a freak because they may be able to be dealt with.
My sons just started his first exam, he didn't have a meltdown so that's a good start.
Thankyou for listening to me ramble.

It’s brilliant he didn’t have a meltdown. That’s amazing!
Why do they think it’ll seem better when you move? Writing thoughts down sounds like a plan. Good luck.

I am so proud of him it was a 2 hour exam, which he's done hardly any revision for. He has only been able to focus for half an hour since his dad left.
He took breaks as he needed and just kept going to the end.
I'm just as proud of him for walking to counselling on his own and then into town to meet me.
I've written stuff down for the OT tomorrow now just have to give it to her.
I'm going for a sleep now.

Sleep well. He’s done brilliantly today. He couldn’t do that without your support. So you’re awesome too!

He did great! You must be very proud of him!
And you! You worked so hard to help make that happen!

He's tired now and very hungry, he's begging to go food shopping tomorrow, I said I'll treat him.

Bless him. Well done to both of you. You’re doing a great job you know and you’re so strong.

Was quite high last night, it proves it can happen. He sat talking to me in bed for ages, so my routine was messed up so didn't get to sleep until really late, but I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me.
I'm seeing the OT today I've written her a letter to tell her why I'm a freak just have to have the courage to give it to her.
Also seeing th GP which is good because she's the only person I don't get paranoid with.

Please show her. Not because you’re a freak. You’re not. But because she needs to know how you feel. Good luck with the GP.

You’re not a freak- but writing a letter is a good idea.

I got paranoid with the GP that never happens.
I tool my letter to the OT and we had a good chat about obsessive thoughts, I was very embarrassed, now everyone will know because it goes on my records but it's a relief to get it out in the open. She's going to speak to my psychiatrist about it and also the psychologist. I'm glad I did it because it's been happening for about a year. I do get a lot of obsessive thoughts and it's tiring.
We talked about respite for me, but there never seems like there will be a good time, so I just keep plodding on.
Had a letter about my sons post 16 support, which he was meant to get until August, according to the letter he's been discharged from there services. That's helpful, but I can't be arsed to deal with it today.
Been with my son for a very unhealthy shop to Sainsbury's, chocolate always helps.

They need to know about things to be able to help you. Well done!
Many people with severe & complicated problems are not articulate or intelligent or well enough to fully participate in their care. You are doing this!

Thankyou I'm glad I talked about it. We even said I've pretty much been in crisis since my husband was arrested, it was great to have someone acknowledging how bad things are and will continue to be.

You’ve done so well to talk about it. And chocolate sounds great!

Be fed up with me if you want, but it really helps to write it down.
The OT says I've pretty much been in crisis since November but I've just called them and I'm not under them now.
I have so much self hate, I'm self centred, I'm evil, I'm lazy , I'm a freak, I could go on. There is no end in sight. My anxiety is through the roof , I've fought so hard but there is no point. I know I chose to have a child and I give my everything to him I'd be long gone without. I didn't chose to give 20 years of my life to a man who turned out to be a peodophile. I didn't chose to have mental health problems. I can't do this anymore.

You are doing and you can. You’re not a freak. You’re not well and you’re trying to struggle on and do your best. That’s all any of us can do. Evil and lazy people don’t do that. You’re not. That’s the illness talking. It’s not you.
You’re being brave and strong and standing up and saying that it’s hard for you. That takes such courage. It really does.

You're making me cry, you're a very kind person. I know I need to call 111 but im not sure my mum will help. I'm going to watch some tv and obviously eat some chocolate.

You are right that things are terrible- your husband being so messed up, getting a divorce, having to move, and trying so hard to help your son while you try to get help for yourself. But you didn’t create these difficulties. They are not the result of your imagined character flaws.

Things will get sorted out. You will see.

My mum won't help, I asked her to come round and told her how I'm feeling, she gave me a rollicking. I'm hanging on in there and I know none of this is my fault.
I'm torn between my son and the thoughts in my head.

Has your mom sometimes helped with your son since he was little, or just more recently?