I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

Of course you miss him- you were together for a long time. The bad stuff doesn’t cancel the good memories.
Make it clear to your doctor just how difficult things are right now.

Can you find a clean towel & clean clothes, and take a shower right now?

I didn't take a shower. Took my son to an appointment this morning had an unhealthy lunch went to bed, got up had tea then went back to bed again and counted. I count a lot it's an OCD thing.
I'm no role model for my son. Tomorrow we have the joy of the weekly shop.
I feel really flat, I just want to curl up and go to sleep. I will have a good chat with the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I'm just a miserable self centred shit who doesn't deserve anyone's time.
Thanks for replying.

I do know the Samaritans are available and will phone them if necessary.

I hope your unhealthy lunch was at least delicious.
I think my time is well-spent here & I enjoy chatting with you.
You have better days ahead.

Do you do any gardening?
Is there anything you especially like growing or blooming near your home?

I don't do any gardening, I don't enjoy anything at the moment. Strangely enough I used to love having baths it was my way of switching off. I'd have at least 2 a day. Now its just a chore, although I did manage to have one last night, I should give myself a pat on the back but I won't because at my age I should be more than capable of looking after myself.
I am solely here for my son, I would not be alive if it wasn't for him.

Well done with the bath!
Do you also like swimming?

Someone started a thread about problems with their autistic son (loud music in the car, social skills problems)- you might take a look. You probably could add something helpful.

The thread is “To get so embarrassed by ds with autism”.

I do like swimming as does my son and we used to go weekly when he was first off school, now I just can't do it, I know my world is shrinking and I have to do something about it.
I will look for the thread about autism, I'm so angry he was diagnosed so late, we always knew but it was dismissed.
I'm really fucked off with his dad tonight, he knew we had important meetings and he hasn't phoned. He's living the single persons life, in total denial, his work colleagues don't know and I'm left to pick up the mess.

Swimming is great! And it creates a nice kind of tired- not like a long stressful day tired. Wow- once a week! Lucky you! I hope you get to swim again soon.

Does the dad ever call at the last minute on these things?

I've just got to accept that his dad is not interested.i will manage my son I love him very much and whatever my stupid thoughts say I wouldn't be without him.
It would be good to get back to swimming but nothing much is going to happen until GCSES and the house move are out the way.

There are so many awful fathers. Don’t waste too much of your time & energy dwelling on them.
You son is lucky- you truly care.

I do care about my son, he is my sole reason for being alive.
Feeling really depressed at the moment haven't got dressed today and have eaten way too much chocolate.
I'm seeing my GP in the morning and then the psychiatrist on Wednesday, hopefully they can help because I'm giving up.

What kind of chocolate?

GCSEs and house move sounds stressful. No such thing as too much chocolate. True fact.
Good luck tomorrow.

Any kind of chocolate, have to finish the day with a bag of chocolate eclairs. I've put 2 stone on which isn't good but don't particularly care at the moment.
Overslept this morning it's a good job my mum was coming to sit with my son for tutoring, we only had 15 minutes to spare.
Still really down and have things to sort out but ignoring them today. See the psychiatrist tomorrow morning and my social worker in the afternoon.
You guys are great.

You’re great! You’re getting things done and prioritising what’s important. Sod the weight. I bloody love an eclair (or three!!)

You are great!

We are just your fan club members.

Thanks fan club, he's texted tonight. I'm so angry with him he's had a nice relaxing bank holiday weekend whilst I'm trying to deal with the mess he left behind.
I've got paperwork and phone calls to make this week but I just can't do it.

What can you do? What one task could you tackle tomorrow?

I've put some washing in so I've achieved something. Then I have 2 appointments, midweek shopping and chips for tea. Tomorrow is a quieter day so I will try and get some paperwork/phone calls done and we're going out for lunch.
Will let you know how I get on with the psychiatrist.

Well done on the washing!
And well done keeping all the appointments!
I hope your doctor is helpful today- or at least kind.

That sounds like a great plan. I haven’t done any washing yet. Don’t know why I put things off. I hope you have a productive couple of days.

Broke down when I saw the psychiatrist this morning, my CPN came in with me. They were both really lovely and understanding. They know I'm only alive for my son and that I have evil thoughts. He didn't think a change of antidepressants would help but has upped my antipsychotic again, which wil hopefully help with the paranoia.
I'm seeing my CPN again tomorrow, because they are worried about me.
My social worker cancelled this afternoon, she'll see me next week, the next couple of weeks are going to be really busy as I have to be home for my sons GCSES and tutoring, try and fit my appointments in, although my mum will sit with him if necessary.
Going out for lunch tomorrow, so I suppose I should be positive about that.
My friends phoned this evening she really is a rock but I'm beginning to feel I have to put a front on, I don't want her to know how low I am again.

Hope lunch tomorrow is nice. It’s actually no bad thing to break down and admit how you truly feel. I’m glad you have people supporting you. I would want to know how you felt if you were my friend. Obviously friends can’t solve all our problems but sometimes it helps to just say. Bad day. Or that you managed something good.
We are heading for GCSE exams too. Bloody stressful even without anything else going on.
I did the washing. It sounds stupid but I sometimes put things off. You inspired me to kick myself into gear and do it.