I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

She's always helped with him although we used to live away we moved here for more support, don't get me wrong she does support us but doesn't understand mental illness. Doesn't get that I will probably never be the person I used to be.

Maybe in some ways, it all kind of breaks her heart.
And years ago, there was much less open talk about mental health.

I tried to get a cancellation with the psychiatrist this morning but he didn't have any. I'm really torn between doing what's right for me, suicide and what's right for my son, it's a constant battle.

Your son would never get over losing you.
Maybe your mom could continue to help him- if she doesn’t get serious health problems as she ages.
Maybe some professionals would take up your son as their cause, and work especially hard for him.
We would miss you- and we would forever wish you had had a bit more hope.

Please make the necessary emergency calls, keep yourself safe, & ride this tough time out.

My support worker is coming to see me in the morning,I've got a list of phone calls for her to make because I just can't do it anymore. I'm amazed at how many incompetent people there are everything's more complicated than it needs to be. I'm just getting through one hour at a time.

In the morning, your support worker will be pleased to hear how you managed this difficult day.

But you are getting through it. You need to give yourself credit for that. It’s not easy. But you’re doing it.

You're right, I am managing and we've got another GCSE out of the way.
I'm hoping the support worker will be able to help me with a few phone calls, because I just can't manage them anymore.
I have no intention of getting dressed tomorrow, if the people I have appointments with don't like it, it's tough.

“I have no intention of getting dressed tomorrow....”
Is this a protest or a surrender?

I didn't get dressed and nobody was bothered. The support worker phoned the solicitor for me, he wouldn't talk to her so basically my house purchase is going wel our house sale he repeated exactly what he said to me 4 weeks ago, what the fuck am I paying him for.
I was on a roll then, my mum tried to get me7 tablets from the drs, which I'd ordered on Monday, they weren't there and couldn't speak to her so I had to phone them and speak to the twat in charge of prescriptions, no love lost between me and her, she's given me 4 tablets so I get to go through it all again tomorrow.
I emailed children's social services who I put a complaint into in February and haven't heard from them in two weeks, my local councillor is involved with that one.
I also contacted the multi agency team who are involved with my son and I'd got a letter to say they'd closed the case which is news to me. They said maybe they shouldn't have sent the letter seeing as their still involved, I said how unhelpful it was to get it, they didn't seem to care and his worker will phone me next week.
I am raging at dealing with so many incompetent people in one day.
On the plus side my social worker came out this afternoon with someone whose going to be responsible for 4 hours care and support for me a week and they were both really nice. The cares not going to start until my sons finished his exams though.
My social worker coming to see me again next week because she can see I'm struggling.
I'm so glad there are supportive people on here as well who don't mind the rants

You’re not ranting. You are dealing with so many different issues. Getting an unhelpful letter or not being able to get medication just adds to the stress.

You have had to deal with too many problems and associated incompetent people for too long! Anyone would be stressed.
I’m glad you will have a care & support person soon.
If writing here helps even a bit, keep writing. We really do care.

Didn't sleep great because I was so riled, so shattered this morning. Have to take my son to CBT and then I'm going to the hairdresser. I'm phobic of hairdressers, I've not been for a year and it desperately needs doing. I'll try and enjoy it.

Just getting it done will be a massive thing. You may not like the process but you will feel better for having it sorted. Hope CBT goes well.

Did they do your hair the way you wanted? Or did they get too creative?

Felt really shitty this morning, but my son is doing so well at his CBT he had to queue to buy something I'm a shop and his anxiety levels were through the roof but he did it. I don't really care about his GCSE results these are the things that matter. The fact he'd done it really cheered me up.
Going to the hairdressers wasn't to bad and she did it as I asked. I'll try not to leave it a year next time.

Hurray for your son!
You are right:
“...these are the things that matter.”

Sod the GCSE results. (And I’m an ex teacher!) It’s fantastic he is managing to sit them and the news about the CBT and queueing is bloody awesome!
I’m so glad you got your hair done. You’re pretty awesome too.

Shopping this morning and then a lazy day reading in bed. I'm feeling guilty though because my mum cut the front lawn, whilst I do nothing.
Haven't had a wash since last Saturday so promised my mum I'd go in, in the morning, it just takes so much effort.

Is it a big lawn? Did you feel better after your lazy day?

No, but she's doing the back tomorrow. When she's nice she's very very nice.

She is very very nice! And she loves you.

Is your book fiction?

No it's trashy magazines I read, it's the only thing I can concentrate on.
I really hate myself tonight,I'm a bad person.

Light reading can be fun. :)

What today makes you say you are bad?

I often feel like I'm a bad person, because I don't function like a normal person my age. I hate having mental illnesses. My mood changes so quickly.
I am still on a downer today but I've had a bath which is a big achievement for me and although I'm down I'm not suicidal so that has to be positive.
My son has a lot of exams this week plus tutoring so it's going to be tricky it we'll get through it.
Struggling with thoughts about the fact I was married to a paedophile how could I miss that.