I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

Psychiatrists help with some very difficult problems- they know there might be some crying, etc.

I guess you think your friend is getting tired of hearing about things?

I hope you have a lovely lunch today!

The shits hit the fan, my mums not very well and says she can't cope with me,
I saw my CPN And talked about how crap and hopeless I felt. Then came home took a diazepam to try and calm down and sleep. It didn't work so I got an appointment with the GP whose increased one of my other medications. Told me if it didn't get any better call 999 but whose suppose to look after my son.
I've phoned my mum again and she doesn't feel well enough to come round. Phoned my friend just for a chat, she said she could come round for half an hour but she's done enough for me so I said no.
Phoned a helpline, I don't know what to do next.
Everyone's talking about me about me wasting their time.

You are not wasting anyone’s time. They need to do better.

Who do the doctors, etc. think would look after your son in an emergency? They all know you have a son with special needs.

I really don't know what to do I'm in a complete mess. I'll try the Samaritans but I think even they're fed up with me.

Did you get something to eat today?

Went out for lunch that was nice it's just spirreled downhill since.
I've just had a good talk with the Samaritans,they're going to phone me later.

It’s good to hear the Samaritans helped a bit and will call later.
I bet they didn’t say you were wasting their time, but rather the words or tone more like, ‘we’re glad you called’.
Hang in there.

Thankyou I will.

Does your mother just need a long weekend break? Did she say when she could help again?

If your son is settled enough, you could take a bath to relax.

She does need a break but she's also her own worst enemy. She has been brilliant and I can't fault her for that, but I am at crisis point, but calmer now.

Got through the night and kept safe, have to take my son to an appointment today but it's an hour away so my mums driving, I'm not looking forward to seeing her.

What can you do to manage that OP?

Good to hear the night didn’t get worse. I hope the trip goes okay today. It can be hard to be around even nice people so much. You don’t seem to ever get time to be alone, with no responsibilities.

I don't get any proper time alone, my sons had his appointment. I'm trying to get an appointment for the duty CPN, I was crying and shaking all the way in the car my son noticed he cared.
I am so paranoid, I know I need to be in hospital now, but I have to be responsible for my son. The Samaritans offered to phone children's services last night to find him somewhere to stay but I couldn't do it to him.

Surely it’s in his best interests for you to get well.

If you need to be in the hospital right now, then your responsibility towards your son is to set up the care he needs while you will be away.

You wouldn’t be doing it “to” him,
you would be doing it for him.

I've seen the duty CPN, I'm under crisis contingency over the weekend. They don't want me to go in hospital, I've too much to do at home.
I don't know if I can trust them, I don't want to live but I have promised I will keep safe tonight.
I don't have one positive thought in my head, I can twist everything to a negative. I could reel of about why I'm such an evil person but I'm not going to, you guys have kept me going and I can't thank you enough.
The CPN was really kind, it's easier talking to the crisis team than the Samaritans as I don't have to go through the whole back story.
I just hope I've not outed myself with this thread because it could make things tricky.
I'm going to try and have a sleep now have a rest from my thoughts.

I hope you sleep well.
Sometimes you have to say sod everything that needs doing and do the thing you have to do in order to start feeling better.
And you’re not evil. Evil people couldn’t care less about the things they think and do. You are a person struggling and trying to find a way to cope. You’re brave.

They are trusting you to keep yourself safe tonight. You can do this.

Sleep/rest can help lots of things.
Please remember to eat something also.

I didn't sleep great, my minds planning bad things, but I will speak to the crisis team later.
Jobs for today shopping and I really need to have a bath , it's been a week.

i need to shop too. Nothing I would like to do less but if I don’t thekids won’t eat. Today will be a hard day but we can get through it.

Thinking something & doing something are two different things.
Your bad thought is just something you are thinking. It can stop there.
Your good thoughts-- like needing a bath or something to eat or clean socks— are where to put your focus & effort.

Done the shopping with my son, there was no pharmacist at the chemist to get my weekly medication so my mums gone, I knew my son wouldn't go out again and what would have happened if I got them.
Shopping is such a tedious task but I guess we all have to do it.
I'm going to make myself have a bath because after a week I probably stink and I know my hairs a mess.
The baad thoughts are still coming thick and fast but I know I just have to accept that's all they are.

Well done on getting out & shopping!
Will you be having a chocolate eclair Cat-in-the-Hat-style with your bath?