I'm a mess

[mrsbounceisflat]

I've spoken to the crisis team, but everyone's fed up with me. My life is a mess , I can't go into details but I am in a living hell. Things aren't going to change for a while , everything's a fight. I am a bad person.

GLad to hear Op - an even bigger achievement when it’s scary - well done you x

I'd love to join a group for parents of autistic children but I wouldn't be able to go on my own because I don't have the confidence in group situations, I am also waiting for an autism assessment for me but that won't be until December time.
We will go shopping in the morning in the new car , my son has to come with me because I can't cope on my own. I know online shopping would be easier but it's one of the few things we leave the house for.

What is about groups that bothers you? The noise? Thinking people are looking at you/judging you? Not knowing what to say? Or ??

sorry, I should have said an online group, or even a confidence building group

What are you put to today OP? How are you feeling?

It's been a roller coaster day, but have survived. I kind of feel empty.
My mental health team are working on my self esteem which is zero and hopefully getting to take part in some sort of activity but we have to wait for this really unsettling stage of life to pass.
I hate groups I just don't understand social interaction and cannot cope with anything other than a one on one situation, which is what will make this meeting about my son so challenging.

Can you take someone with you to speak on your behalf or ask for a break if you need it.
Sounds like you’re really taking steps to change things though. That’s great.

How can your self-esteem be “zero”?!?
You have a bit of a fan club here, you know!

When you have depression it’s very difficult to see that what you are coping with and doing well as a positive even when you have so much on your plate that anyone in your given situation would find it hard going. It’s very easy to see what still needs to be done and things you are not doing well and this weighs heavily on us.

Op I’ve been told this too by my counsellor and GP - just about everyone has given up on me except my GP - My GP is the only one to say you will do this as you are very determined and this is the Gp who sees me at my worst when i need more meds or more counselling because I feel at breaking point.

You say you’ve prepared a letter for a meeting - is this the one next week - have you met any of the people before - do they know that you are also waiting for some tests on yourself - do they know anything about how this situation is affecting your own MH? Would your Gp give you a letter to take with you explaining your own situation and that they are to make suitable changes to accommodate you - ie giving you breaks when you need them.

I didn’t realise until very recently that depression counts as a disability and I have suffered with it on & off in varying degrees for 20 years. With all the media coverage today it is still poorly understood and still carries a stigma. This makes it very difficult for those that do not suffer to really understand how some situations can effect us more deeply than others.

Have you got anyone that could go with you even your mum - do you have any other RL support/ friends - I know how self absorbing difficult situations can become and how we isolate ourselves more and more because everything just becomes too much and so we hive off anything that we don’t have to do to try and cope with what we feel is the most important fight.

I think there’s also an irony that the closer we get to achieving our goal the more we want to give up - I’m not sure why this is - because we’ve been coping for so long already? Or because we need to overcome one last hurdle which suddenly seems the biggest one - yet we forget all those that we have already got over - it starts to feel like we are no longer making any progress but we are so close - not sure if any of this makes any sense - I need to dig really deep to continue with my own fight - I expect you do too - keep going it’s in there - you just need to believe in your own capabilities a bit x

Yes the letter written is for tomorrow it is the second of these meetings and my mum does come with me. My OT went to the last meeting but I felt I was wasting her time because the meeting is about my son not me,but I was told last week I should see if she could still come the more people on our side the better. I will text her in the morning to see if she's still free.
I have a busy day tomorrow's with three things going on. Today I've had a lazy day I didn't even change my underwear.
I know I need to take better care of myself wash myself more than once a week, eat proper meals but all my energy goes on my son.

Just waffling really the meeting started well and then quickly went downhill. I just want to swear and rant. I don't feel like we're getting anywhere.
Feeling really shit like it's all my fault. Life is really shit and I don't believe they'll be a happy ending.

Life can be so unfair and ridiculously difficult sometimes.
So sorry this day has kicked you around.

I can't cope with this life, everything's to complicated. I don't understand things. I get other people to do stuff for me, because it's to much for me to deal with. I just want to be a normal functioning human being.
No one can believe me and my son can have so much bad luck, so I don't talk about it.
We had problems before but one person and one person only caused this and I hate him for the mess that he has caused.

Life IS bloody complicated and sometimes we just have to say that we need help and support. That’s what a normal human being does in order to stay functioning.
Shit things happen. But with support we can get past them.

Can you give us more information about the person who caused it? An ex and/or your son’s father? A “friend” or stranger who lied or exaggerated?

I may as well tell the whole story if I'm outed it can't make things any worse.
I've had mental health problems on and off since my 15 year old son was born. I have bpd, ocd, anxiety, depression, agraphobia and awaiting assessment for autism. I'd been with my husband 20 years and married 16 years. There were problems with my mental health, hospital admissions, overdoses , frequent self halm.
My son has always had his quirks we always suspected autism, but he didn't meet the criteria when he was assessed at 7. Life continued with its challenges until my son broke down in January 2018, he had anxiety and depression and couldn't cope with people so refused to go to school. He has seen none of his school friends since, although he will talk to people on Xbox.
He started seeing a counsellor and eventually CAHMS, he got a diagnosis of autism in October.
I find it hard being at home with him all the time which led to a deterioration in my mental health in August. I took an overdose in September which led to a months hospital stay.
We then had a really good month my son was getting on with his home tutoring, I was coping although my husband was still my main carer.
On the 27th November the police came to our house to arrest my husband for sexual communication online with a 12 year old.
I threw him out immediately and have since found out from him he Snapchat's and webcammed young girls. I still don't know if I know everything.
My son has been hit hard by this and his focus and concentration has gone. He has now chosen not to see his dad.
We have to move house because i can't work. We're still in the family home at present.
We've had problems with child's social care for which a complaint is on going. I have had to fight continually for my son, to get him support. I'm really lucky with the support I get but I still have periods of being suicidal and not only that killing my son, which social services are aware of. I know I am evil for thinking that. Recently I have obsessive thoughts about putting him into care, but they are just that thoughts and they distress me hugely.
It has been a living hell, paperwork and phone calls, putting my big girls pants on.
Me and my son love each other very much. At the moment we are getting ready for GCSES, which he manages 10 minutes of revision a day, he will take his GCSES at home, a house move which could be anytime now, it's all with the solicitors, a divorce and a court case.
I hate all this uncertainty, I hate the position we've been put in and I hate myself.
Well done to anyone who got to the end of that, it feels good to get it out.

Any one of those problems would be a lot of stress!
But you are not “evil”.
You love your son and he loves you- and that it why you will keep trying.
Every day you “suit up & show up” and do what you can shows love.
Every morning you are one day closer to a better life- and it will get better!

Will your mother be able to help with getting ready to move?

Yes my mums paying for someone to pack for us and on th whole is being amazing. Social services says she has to stay with us when I have the really bad thoughts but that means my son goes horrible because he can't cope with the change in his routine.

Have any medications helped your son?

I have been told by CAHMS there is nothing else they can do after theCBT and they don't usually see them if they have a diagnosis of autism , which I know to be a load of bollocks as my nephew attends the same CAMHS and has been told he can't have CBT only medication. I have a letter that I wrote for the meeting on Monday which I will deliver to the CAMHS worker tomorrow when he goes for CBT. The letter is mainly a dig at CAMHS, I didn't bring it up at the last meeting because my son was in a good mood and I just couldn't deal with it. I've had this for so long.so basically what everyone wants to do is wash their hands of him when he turns 16, as his other worker is being made redundant in August obviously not her fault.
I know I'm his mum and should be able to help him to independence but I'm not well enough.

You are doing the best you can.
I was just thinking even a temporary medication might help your son during this upheaval and transition, which would ease some of the pressure on you.

Yes I'd settle for temporary medication but it's not happening. Aargh.

Okay- so your mother is helping you with day-to-day living, and helping with moving preparation.
Your son needs services/medications that are extremely difficult to obtain.
You have ongoing mental heath problems.
You don’t have any legal problems due to involvement with your husband’s activities- is that correct?
You have filed for divorce.

That is a lot of stress.
Is there hostility in your community towards you?
Are you sleeping/eating too much or too little?
Are you taking walks- getting some fresh air?

I will be getting help from social services for day to day living but it's not kicked in yet.
I don't look after myself don't go out unless it's for food or appointments, don't wash, spend more and more time in bed.
There's no problems with repercussions over what my ex has done, although everyone doesn't know it's not the kind of thing you talk about.
I hate him but I miss him too we'd been together so long,I'm waiting for counselling for that, but the GP counselling service won't see me because I'm to high of a suicide risk.
Things may become worse in the community if it is published in the local paper when he goes to court.
I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I enjoy nothing. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday he's been brilliant too and I hope he'll look at changing my antidepressants.
It's really good I've got this board to sound off on.