I neglect myself and it's showing

[inmyownworldagain]

OK this may be long.

I will just write a list of what I avoid

• I cut my own hair - too anxious and paranoid for hairdressers
• I don't brush my teeth often - once every 2 weeks ish
• Same underwear for days - have no nice knickers
• Stay in same clothes/pjs for as many days as possible
• Don't brush hair, even after a shower
• Hair lives in messy bun - half of the time greasy roots
• no makeup daily - for occasions, eyes, lips and cheeks
• Most clothes from charity shops - not much style sense
• I don't fuel my body well with food - nothing or everything
• Take 4 different medications - one of which I take too much

I do have a partner and children, I feel a let down as a Mother and a Woman. I can't give myself basic needs, I don't put myself last I'm not even on this list.

How do I start fixing these to start with...

I know, I sound disgusting.

Start with one of those things and do it regularly. It will become a habit. I also think you need to go to the doctors and alter your medication as it’s clearly not working at the moment.

I think you need to start with being kind to yourself. I think we all have times where we cant be bothered but you don’t value yourself. You may need counselling to help then the other things will improve from that.

Hi OP. I understand how hard it can be to do self care. How about choosing one thing off your list eg brushing your teeth and try and increase the frequency you do it. So maybe once a week, then maybe once every 3 days and build it up until you are doing it every day. Once you feel comfortable with that move on to the next thing.

But it would also be good to find someone to talk to about why you don’t do all these things. I’m sorry I can’t be more help but I’m sure someone more knowledgable will be along soon.

You don't sound disgusting at all. Lots of people, me included, can have slob-like behaviour. I don't brush my hair every day, for instance. Make up isn't essential either, so stop giving yourself a hard time about that one. How about if you just focus on a couple of the hygiene ones? Buy a packet of cheap knickers from the supermarket and commit to a clean pair every day, plus a daily tooth brush. Would that be do-able?

Start with daily toothbrushing and that’s it for now. Give it 21 days to build the habit and then add showering.

I wouldn’t worry about going to the hairdressers, where your clothes are from or wearing makeup.

First, medication. Your current regime isn’t working for you if you’re struggling so much with self care. Can you get it reviewed?

Second, try to brush your teeth daily. If you don’t shower for a week, one shower will make you all clean again. If you don’t look after your teeth for a week you’re risking gum disease, needing fillings and all sorts of complications. If you can’t manage that, buy something like Corsodyl mouthwash to use once a day.

Once your meds are working for you it should get easier.

Hi OP

I was very similar when I was in the worst of my depression. It’s really tough. There are two things I found helpful. One was to think of the absolute minimum I could do and just do that- maybe that’s wipe yourself with a baby wipe, put on clean pants and give your teeth the most cursory, half-assed brush imaginable. Something is better than nothing.

The other thing I found was that sometimes I didn’t have the energy to stand in the shower, but I could sit in the bath and wash myself very slowly and sometimes even brush my teeth and hair while I was in there.

Hang in there, I hope things get better for you soon. Are there any professionals involved with you who can help with support?

You don't sound disgusting. What's the medication you're taking too much of?

I actually think you're incredibly brave to be able to post this. I wish I had your strength.

OP I also felt like this recently. I had to force myself to go to the hairdressers and panicked about it for 48 hours before.

The relief now is immense. I just feel so much more positive.

However, you need baby steps, try and brush your teeth and change underwear to start with … who cares about makeup or clothes?

Most of all, don't give yourself a hard time. One little thing a day, 5 minutes, that's all.

You are not disgusting.

Dry shampoo and a quick wipe down at the sink can make a huge difference.

Can you set yourself goals? A bare minimum you have to do every day. Clean pants, teeth brushed and one decent meal (even if it is a ready meal) would be a good start.

First no you do not sound disgusting aim to keep a routine lets say a facial evey week on the same day or wash your face every evening and moisturiser before bed ...make it enjoyable ( chill music or candles) little steps

I cut my own hair ... I don't wear nice knickers (just bog standard cotton) ..don't wear make up...don't think about style, bargains and charity shop buys are cooI ...don't brush my hair (it's curly), just wash and leave..

There, you're not as out of sorts as you think. 👍🏻

The basics are clean body, clean hair, clean teeth and clean clothes...everything else is a work in progress.

Hi there- sorry to hear you're not feeling so good. You are not disgusting, you are human, poorly and overwhelmed.

When I'm at my lowest of lows, because I struggle with valuing myself and almost think I'm not 'worth' caring about, I reset in my head to act as if I'm somebody else I care about.

It sounds odd but when it's bad for me, I think 'well I'm not worth getting dressed, showering etc' but I'm naturally quite a caring person so reprogram to acting as if I was caring for a sick person I love, like a family member. It reminds me to nurture and care for myself and I find it easier to cope with. Treat yourself like a cherished friend or family member, rather than treating yourself as the 'you' that you're currently struggling with.

Hopefully this makes sense? If you're struggling to justify caring for 'you', act as if you're caring for someone else.

I hope you're feeling a little better soon ❤️

Start with tooth brushing once a day and then twice a day after you get in habit. Your teeth can effect your health. Each tooth is linked to your body so it’s important to take care of them.

I admit I do take care of myself as I used to either. But I do basics (probably bc I’m germ phone!). So tooth brushing, showers every day, clean clothes etc. But no make up etc. When I was younger I used to care what I looked like - hair blow dryer and flat ironed to look it’s best. Full make up etc. I feel a bit sad that I seem to let myself go :( I’m trying to make goals to turn around. I think

How are you doing today?

Thank you all so much, I was very worried about checking this post.

I think I do have to start with my teeth first, I can see they are getting ruined, they're one of the first things people notice and my teeth are all I think about when talking to someone.

I did buy some cotton knickers but they make me sweat and I have no idea what material is good for not sweating.

I take care of everyone else and my house is usually in order and clean, clothes aways washed etc but when it comes to looking after myself I can't seem to get into a routine for longer than a week as I end up telling myself I don't deserve it then purposely avoid it all.

It doesn't help that no one notices either, or if they do they don't mention it. I would notice if someone I lived with behaved this way so that adds to me not feeling worth it or wanting to make effort.

I have done all the groups, CBT etc through the doctors and been on a counsellors list for a good while now. I'm not sure I could admit those things above in my OP out loud though. My medication was changed around a year ago and whilst I did feel better I couldn't sleep again then I just gave up asking doctors and stayed on this medication but I'll make an appointment and do my best to not cancel.

Thank you for telling me I'm not disgusting, you're all so kind.

One suggestion, can you keep some pants in the bathroom and change into clean ones when you go to the loo?
Keep some baby wipes in there too and have a quick freshen up?
Sometimes things really do seem like too much effort and it's easy to get stuck thinking "if it only effects me, then it (I) dont matter".

You dont sound disgusting, and you absolutely do deserve to feel better than this!

Small steps and maybe a medication review.

Have you had more in depth psychology?

I easily avoid the bathroom as our toilet is seperate, one thing I do do is when my Daughter is in the bath I sort my eyebrows and random stray hairs.

I have loads of products waiting for me, I think i'll sort them out and make a place near my bed so when I wake up I see it all. I'll get some wipes :)

When I think about having a bath I over think it.. I have to wash my hair, scrub my skin, shave and so on so I end up not bothering. But, I always feel so much better after and tell myself to remember how being clean feels and to keep it up. Then I ignore myself.

I remember avoiding a wash and teeth when I was a child, I can't believe I still do it now.

I'm going to find a psychologist, I have to do something, I'd hate for my girls to copy me.

I brushed my teeth today.

Good for you.

OP I relate to your post. I am self employed and work from home so I find I don't bother with self care. I've gone gradually downhill over the last 10 years. I have often wondered if it is MH related. I don't even have children so can't blame lack of time!

My record is 3 years between hair cuts. I currently force myself to go about once a year - 18 months.

Everything else is the same (no nice clothes, no makeup, messy hair) except I manage to brush my teeth more. I do miss days out though. I also change my pants daily but only because I worry about yeast infections if not. Sometimes I don't have clean pants in the cupboard and I'll wear leggings under my jeans instead!!! I've even worn a swimming costume a few times.

I also wear the same jeans/hoody and PJs daily. I only own one very tatty ill fitting bra and won't wear it unless leave the house. (Which I don't do much, haha).

I feel like I find it hard to do all this stuff and often wonder why I'm like this!

All of that to say I relate to your opening post.

There are lots of apps out there that could help you get in a better self care routine. One really lovely app is called Fabulous. It plays soothing music when you tick off items and is lovely generally. You set little routines and it reminds you to do them. It sends you nice little notes too. You can also set little challenges for yourself. I'll attach some screenshots so you can see x

Now just to start reusing it myself.....!!

It doesn't help that no one notices either, or if they do they don't mention it. I would notice if someone I lived with behaved this way so that adds to me not feeling worth it or wanting to make effort.

This leaps out at me - it's like you're subconsciously pushing it to see if there is a stage you can get to where someone else will care about you enough to intervene. It seems like a chronic lack of self-esteem.

But the opposite is true in a way, the more you assert your "right" to look good/clean/dressed well, the more respect you tend to get from people around you as they're taking in that message that you feel you deserve it.

Your DH and family should obviously care and notice. That they don't is a problem. But don't let that stop you caring for yourself. Your body is where you, and only you, live.

That's great OP, I've started brushing mine when I go for my first bleary eyed wee in a morning (always get back in bed for a bit as I hate getting up ) because otherwise I tell myself I'll do them after breakfast and then don't. Baths/washes are a work in progress but am trying to get into a routine with them, it's hard though as our family life is chaotic so any kind of routine is a struggle. You're not alone, there are other people struggling with 'the basics' so please don't think you're the only one

Great post Michael, rings true for me at least.

And WildFlower, off to check out that app now