I neglect myself and it's showing

[inmyownworldagain]

OK this may be long.

I will just write a list of what I avoid

• I cut my own hair - too anxious and paranoid for hairdressers
• I don't brush my teeth often - once every 2 weeks ish
• Same underwear for days - have no nice knickers
• Stay in same clothes/pjs for as many days as possible
• Don't brush hair, even after a shower
• Hair lives in messy bun - half of the time greasy roots
• no makeup daily - for occasions, eyes, lips and cheeks
• Most clothes from charity shops - not much style sense
• I don't fuel my body well with food - nothing or everything
• Take 4 different medications - one of which I take too much

I do have a partner and children, I feel a let down as a Mother and a Woman. I can't give myself basic needs, I don't put myself last I'm not even on this list.

How do I start fixing these to start with...

I know, I sound disgusting.

@michaelbaubles I think your post rings true for me too.

My DH doesn't seem to be bothered. I'm sure he thinks this is just me, my personality, how I am.

I don't want to be like this but sometimes it's all too much! It's just easier to do nothing. It's not that I don't deserve nice things like the OP said, but I'm more like I feel a fraud. I'm not the kind of "normal human being" who goes shopping for clothes and gets her hair cut. Or knows what to ask for at the beauticians. Or even goes to the supermarket on her own for a little shopping trip!!!! everything feels so alien to me now. I just sit all day in this prison of a house.

The other stuff is down to overwhelm. And Anxiety. I'm putting so much off in my life (namely my self employed work) that I put off my shower/teeth too. And put off washing, and the dishwasher etc .... cus this other thing needs doing first but I can't do those until that's done. And I don't want to do anything. My house could be burning down and I don't think I'd want to move!!!

Maybe I'm also pushing it to the point somebody will notice? Maybe I just need somebody to notice and sort it all out for me? I've not really thought about that before! Ha.

Sorry for derailing your thread OP. I promise I'll stop posting rambly messages now!

You don't have to shave etc. Start by having a quick dip, wash and condition hair and out. Maybe clean teeth quick whilst you dry. Brush thru hair quick whilst wet and that will make you feel loads better.
My leg hair is honestly a inch long. I will do them soon... Iv been saying that since Christmas time!

Don't worry about derailing, it's good to let it out!

I have also worn swimming bottoms instead of knickers!

I wish someone else could sort it out for me but I know it's only me that can change, just doesn't seem like much point. Even more so when no one notices.

I stay inside most of the time, going out stresses me out, over think which bus to get and times and getting home in time for school etc.

I get how you look is important to other people but as I'm not keen on people or chit chat I kind of don't want to look approachable, I struggle with eye contact and my body language isn't great. Arms folded etc.

I convinced myself if I got contact lenses I would start wearing mascara but then I think I'll have to wipe it off again so save myself the bother!

Wildflower, it's a bit personal so feel free to ignore but how do you and your husband find intimacy? We haven't done anything for ages. It all stopped a while ago with his issues but he made me feel worse by acting like I was a pest.

It sounds like you’re trying to make yourself invisible - that protects you from being rejected by your husband, and from having to talk to people and so on. But nobody wants to be invisible, really, that’s just a reaction to how you feel about life. You want to be noticed and valued. Maybe you’re scared to make yourself look good, because what if you’re still rejected?

That is spot on Michaelbaubles, I avoid being rejected. It's very hurtful to me, I know everyone gets rejected but all I've ever wanted was to feel wanted. I know I can't expect that fully but a little would be nice. I don't need to be needed.

To make an effort and still be rejected would feel cruel, so my way doesn't allow it.

I also feel like if I started making an effort I would look like I was having an affair, like I was trying to impress someone.

But we only want things that are of value to us. Ok, we need to eat, but we want that juicy burger, gorgeous slice of cake, creamy chocolate bar...we want attractive things. That doesn’t just mean things that look good, it means things that hold a value to us in whatever way.

You’re acting a way that reduces your value and you do know that. You want to be wanted but you’ve made it so even your nearest and dearest won’t really. It doesn’t mean you’re unwantable though - you do have those relationships and you are important to those people but you’re making yourself seem like you’re not worth any attention.

And so what if people thought you were drawing attention to yourself? So what if they thought you were having an affair? That’s all interesting stuff!

I need to start an affair with myself.

So, I'm making myself unwanted and not valued just to protect myself from rejection.

I'm rejecting everyone by trying to save myself but I'm suffering instead and must look and smell like a sweaty teenager.

That's great thinking about starting an affair with yourself!

The thing about not looking/smelling great is, other people either won't notice at all, or notice momentarily and then go on with their lives. It just won't really impact them much. But it impacts you every second of every day. It's a reminder that you don't feel worth it.

And the same about looking and smelling good - other people may well notice, but you know what, you walk out of the room and then you're gone and they're not thinking of you any more, but you're carrying that with you all the time and it's like just this gift to yourself.

Hi op I read this last night - I can identify with everything you’ve said.i have a question for you you say no one notices - do you think it was like this before? I mean before you couldn’t be bothered with yourself. Does anyone appreciate what you do - does your DH?

You say you take care of everyone else - your house is in order and clean - do you get any recognition for this? Even though it’s your “role” as such we still need to be appreciated to not feel taken for granted!

You mention your DH “issues” - what are these?

I suffer with depression - I’ve just come out of a marriage following my x’s Affair - I kept the house spotless like a showhome did everything for x and kids - I was last on my own list - often ran out of time or energy to care for myself - what I’ve realised from divorce is that my x had little respect for me - this would have come through in little ways during the marriage - I once barricaded myself in a room feeling suicidal - my x went out!

I may be totally off piste here - but maybe your body is trying to get you to look around to take notice and maybe there are other issues here that are not all about you! Maybe you feel you are already being rejected - you mention intimacy ! However I think you are blaming yourself!

Glad to see you have brushed your teeth - love yourself because only you can love you like you need to be loved! The haircuts, the charity clothes, the makeup, same clothes for days don’t really matter, they are all on the outside and you can work on these when you feel a bit better

I would say treat yourself to some new knickers - you don’t need to shower everyday - teeth yes because one day you will want to smile - the rest will follow. Be kind to yourself op x

I've brushed them today too! Two days in a row! Think I'm going to try flossing next.

Recognition - mostly other people who come round and comment it's always nice and homely. I do get the odd comment about the house smelling nice or always having clean clothes from DH, it is more my 'role' as he works more hours than I do but he does the odd bits here and there too.

In the past I have been in relationships where I have felt forced into 'intimacy' not roughly more nagging and sulking until I gave in. My DH has never made me do anything. At the start it was like he was addicted to me then due to stress he didn't like me touching him and it seems we are now both too afraid to start anything going. They way he behaved though even when I understood he was struggling was just mean. It still hurts.

I think I did end being this way when it was clear there was no point making an effort when I wasn't wanted. No point brushing teeth if I can't even get a kiss goodbye and so on. What a weird way of thinking.

Greenberet your ex sounds like he did you a favour, you have one less person to put before yourself!

I'm going to start pretending I'm having an affair and I will treat myself to new knickers because if anything, what if I got hit by a bus? :D

Hope it wasn't just me who got told that as a child!

Nah, I was told that too!!
I recently got dragged into H&M by my teenager. That always bores me out of my mind. But I found a pack of 3 kickers that were quite nice, paid about £9-10 for them. Not too dawdy and equally, they do cover my arse. MyDD’s knickers have more material in the ‘belt’ bit than the knickers themselves. 🙄
Have fun OP. And while you’re out, get a Fenjal shower gel from boots, it’s about £3 but it smells divine.

I swear Sainsbury's sell the nicest knickers! I really like the french shorts style. They come in lovely prints. I sometimes treat myself to a pair if I'm shopping. In fact, last time I bought some was a year ago. I might go and get 5 pairs and throw 5 old pairs away this week!

I've also had two showers and cleaned my teeth twice on the trot thanks to this thread. It's making me address a few things.

Some parallels on the intimacy front, OP. Been together 10 years this summer. For a lot of that, we would probably have sex around 5 times a year, usually after alcohol, on holiday etc.

I think I rejected DH too much in the early days when going through a stressful patch of my life and I assume he didn't want to try anymore. I would never initiate and neither would he. It became a massive taboo in our relationship.

If I did initiate, I was probably too subtle with it and expected him to notice, but he never did.

I had this MASSIVE anxiety around the whole thing. Around initiating it, about him not enjoying it if I did initiate it, about my weight. It was a bit like it was too hard to try, so why bother (omg this is becoming a theme!)

Then even if I was in the mood, I wouldn't have had a shower, shaved my legs, cleaned my teeth etc so I just would rule it out anyway.

We got married last year and spoke about having a baby.

I did fall pregnant on my honeymoon, but unfortunately had to end the pregnancy early due to the health of the baby, so we're trying again now.

We decided we wanted it to happen as quick as possible, which opened up a dialog about the "fertile window". while we were looking at stuff together, he asked me what "BD" stood for (baby dance) and we literally joke about it now, "let's go BD".

Wow I'm loving that others are getting something from this too!

I'm going to Sainsburys tomorrow so I'm going to get at least 5 pairs and throw 5 out too! I prefer french knickers too, I've no idea why my DD has those pointless tiny knickers either they look painful :)

I've just bought some nice soap and salts for a bath later after reading another thread about soap making you feel more clean than shower gels but I'll give Fenjal a sniff tomorrow.

I always seem in the mood at the wrong time, like 10 minutes after he's gone to work or I'm making tea. Ha! Also the same if I've not shaved and cleaned then I rule it out. I have trimmed the lady garden today (TMI sorry) so I think I'm doing well and I'm quite excited about looking after me!

I wish you all the fun and success doing the BD, that make me chuckle.

You know so glad to read how this thread is going and Op you’re right my x did do me a favour in some respects!

I had the rejection too in the early days - then went through ivf - no intimacy for a very long time after this - we worked well as a team each doing our own role or so I thought - I also thought things would improve once the stresses of x running his own business and kids getting older would lesson - i tried to talk about things he wouldn’t - not to me anyway - role on the death of his mother and he was gone - OW in the wings.

I’ve been through 4 years of hell as a result so have kids - got shafted in divorce - long story! I came across some old diary writings I posted them on here - I think I knew my marriage wasn’t right all along - had x talked maybe we could have resolved issues who knows? Having said that he will not communicate with me now - not over kids - nothing - it’s like I never existed!

He never understood my MH - thought I was punishing him when I used to go to bed early and he would have to get kids tea - his own kids ffs!
My MH has been bad recently Having to make decisions that impact on kids that is not right - all due to manipulation of x

So I get the not brushing teeth getting dressed I’ve spent days in bed not leaving the house - I don’t want to be like this but fuck the pain of what I’ve been through takes its toll! I have someone who understands depression though and gives me the kick when I need it

I really should listen to my own advice because I know I’m bad because I love the sunny weather but I’ve been indoors - my marriage and what I’ve been through emotional and financial abuse - takes some getting your head round when from the outside looks “ like the dream” maybe it was - all just a bloody dream - 20 years over and done with in a blink of an eye!

I do hope op this does not ring any bells with you!

Oh and re ruling out because not showered shaved etc - someone said to me do you think animals get in the shower or do they just get on with it! I know we’re not animals but the right person will not judge!

You're doing brilliantly inmyown, keep going! New knickers are a good idea, mine are all falling apart so might join you

Your post about intimacy made my jaw drop WildFlower, I could have written that about me and my DH. Things are much improved for us now but we still find it difficult not to slip back into that cycle of one of us not making the effort and then the other feeling hurt and resentful about that and then the whole cycle starts again. We wasted years doing that, it became the norm for our relationship so it's hard not to slip back into old habits but we're trying really hard to at least keep communicating about it which helps.

I'm having a bad day today, no tooth brushing as yet but going to clean the bathroom after tea so planning a bath afterwards and will do them then. Hope everyone else is doing better today

Bloody hell Greenberet, I'm pleased you have someone now who is on your team, you can at least say you learned a lot, 20 years is a long time to not bother trying to understand your partner!

ExH and I had quite a smooth divorce but mostly because we both knew it wasn't right and didn't want to fight anymore. I certainly learned a lot! This one is completely different though.

I wonder if male animals avoid the stinky females or if they're not bothered at all. I don't care about shaving as much as I used to, if DH was to throw himself at me and I was at least clean then I might go for it haha.

I'm inbetween thoughts of if I make a big effort and try initiate something with DH he may enjoy that I'm being confident but the other thought is why should I, when he made me feel like I couldn't look at him without him thinking I was after some!
We stopped going out places as a couple incase I got the wrong idea, it's not even like I have a massive sex drive it would just be nice to go with it when we feel like it.

Tonight I ran a bath for my youngest and she jumped in washed her hair and body pretty fast so I quickly threw myself in after her before I could think twice, saved me thinking about it tomorrow.
I was meant to brush my teeth too but I'm hoping I'll remember at bedtime. Brushed my hair before and after, that was hard work!

I feel OK today, not as angry with myself I suppose. I'm not well so I need to take baby steps, it's next week I worry about as I get bored around 7 days of routine.

Knicker sales will be going up, I have it in my head I'm going to find some good bargains all in my size!

Did you manage a bath hiding? Could you run a bath whilst you clean then you can just throw yourself in after.

Yep all done and that's exactly what I did Am in nice clean pj's now watching some tv and there's fresh sheets on the bed when I'm ready. Actually feel like I turned it round a bit today in the end.

I'm like that with routine, I can keep it up for a few days but I struggle to not slip back after that. I guess when these things have been a habit for a while it takes longer than a week to properly break the old habits and replace them with the new. Any ideas anyone has to make us persevere long enough for it to stick gratefully received

Well done Hiding :) ooh fresh sheets and fresh skin. I love to just sit sniffing the sheets for ages haha. I love walking past laundrettes too.

It has been mentioned here it takes 21 days to break a new habit, an there is an app above too but I haven't found one I like enough yet. I don't really like my phone telling me things, but I have looked forward to checking back in on here so I'm tempted to carry on and just mention what I have managed each day. Even the most tiniest effort is effort, feel free to pop back and add yours too, that would be brilliant.

One day at a time until it's normal.

Could you print off a tracker list and stick it somewhere and tick off a task when done. Seeing the ticks really will increase your determination.

Something like this onemamasdailydrama.com/printable-task-habit-trackers/

Don't be put off by the size off or. For a start I think just cleaning teeth every day and fresh underwear every day is enough. When that feels normal and easy add in the next things to track such as brush hair everyday.

I woke up in agony with back ache so I'm working from home BUT instead of staying in PJ's I got dressed, brushed my teeth and hair! Wish I was at work now then I could have sneakily printed one of those off @ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay I like those.

I found 2 white hairs sprouting from my head since I didn't put it in a messy bun, not sure how I feel about that but it's nice they aren't grey, also have my fringe out instead of pinned back.

My teeth look so much better after just once a day for 3 days, there is permanent damage but hopefully now it won't get worse. I didn't brush them last night but I'm OK with that as once a day is a good start from nothing for weeks on end and I'll go up to twice a day eventually.

Bit sad I won't be getting new knickers from Sainsburys today but I did put on a clean pair when I got dressed. It's so weird I feel like an adult :D

How is everyone doing this morning?

I love how we're all getting new knickers! I've still not made it to the shops but making it my mission to get some this weekend!

@Hidingtonothing wow, in a way, it does make me feel better to know other people experience similar situations.

Communication is key I think. I've learnt that recently with the tfmr. We both agreed we need to try really hard to discuss when we're feeling different emotions. Otherwise i might bottle my anger/upset/anxiety and direct it at him. Especially the anxiety, it can manifest as me being really snappy etc. But if I just tell him how I'm feeling and talk it through, it really does make a massive difference. I suppose that's why some people pay for therapy!!!

I studied communications for my Masters degree and I remember my lecturer saying in week one that there's literally no problem in the world that good communication couldn't fix. I often think about this.

I am glad you enjoyed your bath and fresh sheets x

@inmyownworldagain I'm glad that made you chuckle! Congrats on trimming the lady garden and making yourself get in the bath!

I hope you do one nice thing today for yourself. Even if it's as small as moisturising with something that smells lovely! I'll do the same. Mine will be to shower later and brush through my hair with conditioner.

I get bored of routine too. It's almost like I purposefully resist it to be honest.

I am not going to bother with a routine and I also hate my phone telling me things (it's ok while I'm in the mood but when I'm not, it angers me!). So far, I really like the idea of checking back here and writing what self care things we've done. I mostly come on to see what people are saying and then I leave deciding I'm definitely going to do something, so it seems to be working.

@greenberet It really does sound like you've been through hell I also hope you do one nice thing for yourself today. You don't have to do anything so big as a walk out in the park to enjoy the sun, but what about a cuppa in the garden? I also love your analogy with animals/sex! Haha x

Oh wow @inmyownworldagain you've had a great start to the morning!

Xx

I came to see if you’ve all got new knickers 😂. I don’t really need any, but in the spirit of newly forged bonds, I’ll get some new ones as well.
Well, I managed to trim and shave and do a spot of general deforestation yesterday. My next mission is a pedicure.

One thing I did manage this whole week is to have my vitamins every morning. I’ve put them by the kettle, while the water boils for the coffee, I get them all out and take them with my cup of coffee.