I neglect myself and it's showing

[inmyownworldagain]

OK this may be long.

I will just write a list of what I avoid

• I cut my own hair - too anxious and paranoid for hairdressers
• I don't brush my teeth often - once every 2 weeks ish
• Same underwear for days - have no nice knickers
• Stay in same clothes/pjs for as many days as possible
• Don't brush hair, even after a shower
• Hair lives in messy bun - half of the time greasy roots
• no makeup daily - for occasions, eyes, lips and cheeks
• Most clothes from charity shops - not much style sense
• I don't fuel my body well with food - nothing or everything
• Take 4 different medications - one of which I take too much

I do have a partner and children, I feel a let down as a Mother and a Woman. I can't give myself basic needs, I don't put myself last I'm not even on this list.

How do I start fixing these to start with...

I know, I sound disgusting.

I really like the idea of us all checking in with progress reports, I've looked forward to seeing how everyone's doing these last couple of days.

inmyown, that's crappy you've got back ache but by god you didn't let it hold you back! I know it's keeping it up that's hard but you've made such massive strides so far.

WildFlower, I felt weirdly comforted knowing we weren't the only ones but then felt guilty for wishing it on someone else so didn't say so I honestly thought it was just us. Communication has been everything for us and the improvement is down to my DH, although mostly because he was shit at it before and has finally learned how to do it! Even when life gets in the way and actual sex is thin on the ground talking keeps us close and we don't seem to lose the intimacy these days even in dry spells

Uneccessary knicker purchase is even better 8FencingWire, that's real commitment to the self care cause that is Well done on the deforestation, I'm weeks overdue for a spruce up but will have to sort it tonight, DH is home from a week away so better make the effort

Wonder if anywhere does adult knickers with days of the week, Ha!

I went for a very slow walk to the shop due to my back and it was quite nice with the birds singing and sun shining. Bought some hair dye because all I've been finding is white strands of hair, what else has my messy bun been hiding! I forgot how much my hair touching me stresses me out, it's long and nearly touches my bum but I daren't get it cut short, I know I'll regret it.

I have vitamins right next to all the normal tablets I take on a morning, no idea why I have never picked one up. I'll try remember those as in my first post I mentioned not eating right, I did have PB on toast for breakfast/lunch which is better than my normal C&O pasty. Takeaway for tea.

How are you today @greenberet?

Oh darling! I'm sorry I've not RTFT - I need to sort out teething baby but I had to post quick before I get a change to read through later.

I want to reach through my phone and give you a massive hug. You are soooooo worth the effort. You are so worth looking after yourself. You really are.

I'll find the proper quote later but it's something along the lines of how would you treat a tiny child version of you, would you allow her not to brush her teeth? Of course not. So treat yourself the same. You are so valuable, please value yourself.

I don't know of you work or have a hobby/volunteer? If not, perhaps having something to get up for will force you to take better care of yourself?

I really wish you all the best and I will be back tonight to read through properly!!!

It is amazing when you find there is someone who has felt the same as you or been through similar, I now know we need a real good talk about our sex thing instead of us repeating we need to sort it out.

It took lots of (toe-curlingly embarrassing) conversations for us but I think we needed to properly understand the others' point of view and real feelings about sex before we could move on. We have a much better understanding of how each other ticks now than we ever have, it's nice (and kind of exciting )

It's not easy when one of you (or both in our case) struggles to talk about this stuff but it's so worth pushing through the embarrassment. It's also worth pointing out that he might not be on the same page as you when you try to start the conversation though, if he's just chugging along not really thinking about trying to sort it just atm you might not get the response you're after straight away. Just didn't want you to get deflated if he takes a little while to get on board although your DH might be quicker on the uptake than mine was Maybe pre-warn him that you want to sit down and properly talk about it in a few days time, give him chance to get his thoughts together.

I'm on a mission now for adult days of the week pants, will let you know if I find any I really want to cut my hair (currently quite long) brutally short, trouble is I need to lose about 3 stone first or I will look like a snowman, little round head on a big round body

My DH is bloody good, he knows where everything is and what to do, he just doesn't have a sex drive anymore. It doesn't help having a teenager in the house either, she would be mortified to hear anything :D

I wish my face was more round, it's kind of long and I can't find a style I like that suits, I want a hairdresser that tells me what suits my face shape but they usually want you to tell them what you want.

@Chimmychunga, I hope the baby has settled for you and thank you for being kind, this post has helped me so much and a few others :) I do have to get up for the children and work but I have always prefered extra sleep to getting up and looking after myself better.

Hi OP, I'm happy to read that you have been taking little baby steps. Be kind to yourself, you are not alone.

So I woke up and put fresh knickers on then got dressed. I didn't want to brush my teeth so came down for a cuppa. I sat there for ages telling myself to brush teeth even though I didn't want to.

That lead to me brushing my teeth, then hair, then I put mascara on I even gave myself two squirts of the perfume my DH bought me.

As I had clean knickers on yesterday and sorted the lady garden out when it got to bedtime I decided to strip off to underwear so I didn't wake up in yesterdays clothes and I caught DH checking me out a few times. I forgot some men are visual creatures so maybe not hiding myself will help there too.

They are visual creatures and a little ego boost will do you no harm whatsoever Blimey, perfume and everything today, get you! You sound like it's all giving you a bit of a lift (and I'm finding the same) so we really need to keep this up, at the risk of sounding like an advert, we are worth it

I had a horrendous nights sleep (chronic insomniac) so had a lie in this morning but brushed my teeth as soon as I was up and then had a bath and brushed them again after breakfast, go me How's everyone else doing today?

Well done today @Hidingtonothing!

I have insomnia too, weirdly the last two nights I've fallen asleep at a semi normal time, usually it's around 4am. Sometimes I stay awake all night, it's exhausting. Have you found anything to help?

We are so worth it, I'm abit worried about next week as I know what I'm like but I'm trying not to worry too much as I don't want to plant the seed that I'll go back to normal. I have to keep going. I am worth it flicks hair

If you've graduated to hair flicking you're on the right track, I wore mine loose today instead of scraping it back in a bun or pony, might have flicked a bit myself

The keeping it up thing is worrying me too, although I have work starting on the house the week after next (sounds posh that doesn't it, what I actually mean is the council are coming to fit a new kitchen!) and will have no choice but to get up, washed and dressed every day for a week so am hoping that will help with both keeping the good habits going and my sleep pattern.

The insomnia is fun isn't it, my normal time is 4-6am but it's been as late as 8 or 9 this past week so I've only been getting an hour or so before I have to get up or there's no day left. There's so much I need to change about my life it's daunting, I just keep reminding myself that how it is now isn't making me happy so change is good! Scary as hell though 😱

I'm not doing well today, couldn't sleep last night and woke up at 2pm! I've not brushed anything or got changed. My back still hurts and I can't be bothered to do anything. I've told myself I need a bath tonight and I'll brush and change everything then.

It's really scary, I'm not sure how to live 'normal' my whole life has been a mess one way or another so figuring out who I am and what I want is hard.

Tried talking to DH last night about something bothering me and it didn't end well, just feel like I should never say anything. Selfish twat.

Good luck with the new kitchen and routine :)

Oh that's crappy, sorry you're having a bad day Did it need to be DH specifically you talked to about what's bothering you? Always a friendly ear here if you just need someone to bounce things off, pm if you prefer

I'm having an ok day, needed to go shopping so had to get washed and dressed but only got a couple of hours sleep again so just dashed round and got what I needed. Fully intended buying new pants today so that feels like a fail

Just shout later if you need a pep talk to get you in that bath, you will start tomorrow feeling crappy if you don't and that's the start of the slide back down ime. I totally get that fear of 'living normal' btw, there's loads I haven't mentioned on here but I feel so far removed from 'normal' sometimes I doubt there's any way back. There is though, for both of us, we just need to believe it xx

Thanks @Hiding but yes he needed to hear it but I've decided I've told him my worry, it's up to him if he listens.

I've just got out of the bath, brushed my teeth whilst it was running. I did think I would just dip myself in but I had a quick skin scrub, shave and washed my hair. You're right I would have felt crappy tomorrow, this is like a fresh start for the morning.

I have half term to get through now, I may just spend a week in the bathroom hiding.

I'm hoping to buy knickers tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest. I really need to food shop too but that's boring and now the kids will have to come.

I believe in you! We know we need to change and that is more than some people know of themselves.

Very true, it just makes me feel really inadequate that I can't even do the basic stuff that other people seem to find easy.

Really glad you managed a proper bath, I'm actually thinking about a not-strictly-necessary bath before bed, fancy a soak and half an hours peace. That's the weird thing about all this, I quite like a bath so why do I dodge them for days on end? I'm starting to think there must be something in the idea that we're using it as some kind of defence and/or self punishment which is a bit of a revelation when I thought I'd just got lazy.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you, hopefully some other pp's will be back after the weekend and we can all try and buoy each other back up again. I honestly think there's strength in numbers for us, it's so isolating living like this.

Did you get some peace in the bath?

I woke up about 11am today, clean knickers and clothes on.
Didn't brush my teeth or hair, I just refused to all day until I got ready for bed and randomly told myself loudly (in my head) to "just go and bloody brush your teeth like a normal person". So I did.

I'm sure I'm avoiding morning brushing to not follow the 'norm' but I'm setting a new alarm for tomorrow and will try again.

Only went to the shop near me today, my back's still painful so obviously I bought heavy things to try carry home like an idiot. I really need to go out further than the corner shop, just realised I've not been far from home for weeks.

Defence and/or self punishment - I have too many ways that no one can notice, I'm hoping to slowly work them out and stop. I know I'm not a bad person really, what do we punish ourselves for?

How has everyone felt today? Any new knickers?

Wheels have come off today, no teeth or hair brushing has occurred and I'm still wearing yesterday's clothes Try again tomorrow I guess.

I have too many ways that no one can notice
That sentence made me wonder whether I do other things, that thought had never occurred to me. I'm a bit shocked that I can think of a couple of things straight off the bat, I must hate myself more than I thought!

Well done on the clean knicks and clothes, and for getting round to teeth and hair in the end, that's still good progress My world is tiny too, I often go a couple of weeks without leaving the house and when I do it's to the supermarket which is round the corner from where I live. I know it's not healthy but tbh I don't feel like there's much incentive for me to change. Knife crime and car jackings are rife round here and my house is warm and safe, why would I want to go out?!! I realise that's a bit fucked up, but it's also true

Here's hoping for a better day for us both tomorrow, hope you get some sleep.

Some of this sounds like sensory defensiveness - you may want to read up on autism in adult women as it is often under-diagnosed.

Can you start doing everything alongside your children

So I’m hoping that you make them brush their teeth twice a day? In which case, do it with them.

I’m hoping they regularly shower or bath? In which case, pop in before or after them. And wash your hair at the same time.

I’m hoping you provide fresh underwear for your children. Do the same for yourself.

Start seeing your children’s personal hygiene needs and your own as the same routine. And develop from there

How's everyone getting along?

Since I replied to this thread on Wednesday, I have showered and cleaned my teeth every day bar one. So 5 out of 6 days, not bad.

I also got myself on the exercise bike yesterday for 15 minutes and today for 30 minutes! I only pedalled slowly while watching tv but every little helps!

The critical side of me knows this good mood won't last haha.

@Hidingtonothing I'm exactly the same with not leaving the house very often and when I do, it's the supermarket which is a ten min walk.

Wow @hiding I guess I'm lucky we don't live near all that going on, where we live you can't break wind without everyone in town finding out but crime rate isn't too bad. I'd want a big dog!

@Mmmmbrekkie My youngest is 10, they all mostly get on with their routine now they're older, we ask if they've brushed their teeth or tell them to get a bath etc but it's not like when they were little and had to stand with them.

@Wild you are doing amazing, 5 out of 6 and exercise! Have you found new knickers yet? You seem to be the closest to a supermarket haha.

I could take the very nice walk down to our nearest supermarket about 30/40 minutes walk, I don't know why I don't. It is sunny too so can't use bad weather excuse. Would have to get dressed first...

Just wanted to say this thread is bloody lovely - I can even hear in your posts how much more motivated you feel already OP.

Tiny steps at a time but hopefully the thread will be a great support for you - we are all behind you!

I try to tell at least one friend when I'm having a really low time like you are, giving myself the responsibility of having to check in with them with some kind of update (even if tiny from the outside e.g. Had shower / took right meds) nudges me to do something, anything when things are super tough.

We've got ya

@inmyoldworldagain 5 out of 6 days showering and cleaning my teeth! Not exercising, I'm not that good, haha. I have done 2 days of exercise though.

I still need to shave everywhere, pluck my terrible eyebrows, wash my hair, sort a haircut and get some new clothes I can actually leave the house in! I also need to book back in at the dentist/hygienist. And about a million and one other things for work/house. Arghhh.... * crawls back to bed *

I hope you get out for your walk, it is a lovely day. You could buy new pants!

I could have written this myself years ago and i am still not perfect.I do try

I am supposed to wash my hair twice a week but manage it once.I do wash every day so atleast i have that.
i keep trying to keep on top of clothes but i own one pair of trousers o lord why
i keep forgetting o yeah i have a tooth brush
i have rags i wear inside but considering how old some of my outside t shirts are i think theres not much difference.

you are doing marvellously you should see my laundry pile .Trying to get out your head is hard i am on citrolapram but i think it just stops me from going over the edge

stop thinking about what you missed think about what you have accomplished and start from there and add one more thing when you can

Brushed hair, teeth and have clean knickers and clothes on. Haven't been for a walk but did go to the shop in one layer of clothes, I normally have around 3 layers on, the last being my giant cardigan that I cling on to but I've put it away, it's like a safety blanket I hide behind.

Rosy do you have charity shops near you? You can get some really good bargains and as I get bored of clothes easy it's a good way to not feel like you've wasted loads of money.

I take sertraline? And that stops me going over the edge too, I think the rest is down to me, it has taken me a while to realise that those tablet won't fix everything.

I think we are all doing fantastic, and it has been a massive help to me having you all join in, I'm impressed how we've managed to do these little things daily for ourselves.

@wild pluck away, it will make your face look different and you might just move on to something else on your list. I need to call the dentist too, I missed my last appointment, he knows I have anxiety so I'm hoping he will give me another chance, he was going to clean my teeth too. I'm still annoyed at myself for not going. I'm going to make sure I call this week at some point. I'll do it if you do it? Ha!

My biggest thing is my driving test. I've failed before so I'm avoiding it. I need to sort that, it's life changing and could give me a huge boost.