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I neglect myself and it's showing

371 replies

inmyownworldagain · 18/02/2019 23:26

OK this may be long.

I will just write a list of what I avoid

  • I cut my own hair - too anxious and paranoid for hairdressers
  • I don't brush my teeth often - once every 2 weeks ish
  • Same underwear for days - have no nice knickers
  • Stay in same clothes/pjs for as many days as possible
  • Don't brush hair, even after a shower
  • Hair lives in messy bun - half of the time greasy roots
  • no makeup daily - for occasions, eyes, lips and cheeks
  • Most clothes from charity shops - not much style sense
  • I don't fuel my body well with food - nothing or everything
  • Take 4 different medications - one of which I take too much

I do have a partner and children, I feel a let down as a Mother and a Woman. I can't give myself basic needs, I don't put myself last I'm not even on this list.

How do I start fixing these to start with...

I know, I sound disgusting.

OP posts:
MsChicken · 16/04/2019 01:55

I've cut my own hair for years, totally hit and miss affair - it entertains if nothing else. The teeth one is the one I'd get on to - and go to the dentist too. Don't beat yourself up. It's all doable or changeable if you want to.

Batsypatsy · 17/04/2019 19:15

I cut my own hair for a while too because I couldn't face going to the hairdressers. Saved money too! But I made a real mess of it eventually and felt much better when I did go and have it properly cut. I still don't like going to the hairdressers but have found a little local one where they're very relaxed.

inmyownworldagain · 20/04/2019 14:08

Hello all, not been on for a while as had a lot going on after we had our home raided, everythings OK but I was mortified and now I don't feel right in my own home, they looked through EVERYTHING and I keep having dreams of men bursting in our room.
We live in a nice area and things like that just don't happen, I daren't go out I feel like everyone thinks we are bad people and talking about us. I just don't want to live here anymore.
On the plus side the house was clean and tidy at the time, I was dressed, clean and brushed teeth and the kids were out and about.

Hope you are all doing well. I'm trying to look after myself, bit better with teeth most days and I always put clean clothes and knickers on. I'm going to trim my hair a bit more as I really want it all natural and I'm impatient so it could end up being a lot shorter. Flowers for anyone struggling xx

OP posts:
MsChicken · 20/04/2019 14:21

Oh my goodness, how awful, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's such a violation. Try not to think about what anyone else thinks, they probably don't think anything at all and if they do they'll just move on to something else next week. Give yourself some time to get over this, it's such a traumatic thing to have been through. But that's so good you've been looking after yourself, and through all this too (i just chopped more than I planned off my hair, bit different on the right hand side, fuck it, don't care, my hair!) x

smurfy2015 · 22/04/2019 16:32

@inmyownworldagain you poor woman, you have been thru the wringer. Flowers

Were you actually in the house when it was raided? I totally get the violation of everything having been gone thru.

I was burglarized in 2001 and it left its mark, I wasnt there at the time but everything over £5 was taken including my clothes, mugs, cutlery etc.

Without sounding flippant, the house looked good for the scene of crime officers?

Batsypatsy · 22/04/2019 23:03

inmyownworld that sounds awful, I can only imagine how awful it must feel.

Hope everyone's ok?

I've had a quiet week, my dd was at her dad's and we've been lazy, watching lots of tv. Went for a long walk in the sun too. I was on top of the washing until dd came back with a suitcase full of washing! But I've managed to shower and hoover today and sort of cleaned the bathroom. Really need to start packing this week!

inmyownworldagain · 24/04/2019 06:30

I'd gone to the shop Smurfy, when I got home they were in the house. I mean the house looked good as in I'd be more mortified if I had dirty laundry everywhere and loads of mess etc to look through. Haha that does sound odd now I read it back.

How weird to take mugs and cutlery! Did they ever catch the thief? It's as if no where is sacred.

You're doing great Batsy! How long till moving? Watch Marie Kondo? On Netfilx you'll throw everything out Smile

I've been bathing more often as it's the only bloody quiet place in the house with the kids being off school.

Not slept all night again, DH was snoring then something came through the bedroom window and couldn't get back out, it was buzzing like crazy so I snuck out and left it in there with DH Grin

Listening to the birds singing in peace before everyone starts asking for food every two hours and teling me they're bored.

Things can only get better. Right?

OP posts:
Batsypatsy · 24/04/2019 13:39

That's awful! Did they run when you got home?

I didn't sleep much last night, so feeling dead today. Hopefully just under two weeks until I move, but depends on the plastering being finished. I'll just throw as much as possible away - well, send it to the charity shop. I have far too many books. I'm dreading packing up the kitchen, I've no paper to wrap things in and the van for the removal isn't huge so limited space, so will end up taking loads over in the car. Just can't be bothered, but I need to get out of here.

At the same time I've got my mum going on about moving closer to her soon, and I can't even think about another move right now! Feeling very stressed .. probably why I'm not sleeping.

TheVelvetOnion · 24/04/2019 16:52

So your home wasn't broken into by thieves? It was the police actually raiding it? How horrible for you! Did they get the wrong address? No wonder you're feeling like that now.

smurfy2015 · 24/04/2019 17:48

Yes, they caught them, karma caught up.

It was a pair of brothers, one lived in the flat below me and the other lived up the street.

I had already had run-ins with the one up the street. It was a communal hallway and at the time I was on benefits and it was paid by giro. He had previously tried to cash one on my behalf, (apparently I signed it with a note for him to give to the post office cashier as I was in hospital apparently)... The cashier called the police on him as she realised I would probably spell my name correctly. My first name and surname were spelt wrong.

I didn't know much about it at the time apart from the giro didn't arrive when expected and so I reported it to the benefits office (located at that time next door), it was the next day he tried to cash it but another payment had been issued and that I had already been in myself to the same post office that day to cash it with the same cashier.

When the police sent their SOCO around, he kept sniffing in the hallway and asking questions. Who lived upstairs / downstairs?

Later that day, they came back with a warrant for searching the brother downstairs and found he was coming home from work, despite being on the dole - which didn't go down too well.

There was also a pungent smell coming from his flat, which I being naive didn't cop on what it was. (I've never done drugs apart from taking prescription medication)

He was growing a small cannabis farm in the 2nd bedroom and running the extra electric from the local benefits office supply.

The police raided the other brother flat up the street and found lots of other drugs (large quantities) and my desktop computer console and stereo which I could Id from a couple of photos I had with me beside it.

The desktop was started up in the police station to see if I could prove to them it was mine. No probs, a nice picture I had was my screensaver - no further questions. Both of them when arrested assaulted the police physically.

Both of them were given notice by the landlord, (same one for both houses).

20 years later, one of them has returned to the city, the cannabis grower but the other apparently daren't come back (for other reasons not related to this),

This was the straw that was pushing both towards a likely custodial sentence and with other court cases waiting to come up against both, the police agreed they should have been remanded but they jumped bail instead.

My stuff funded a good binge of drink and drugs. I was in hospital for a couple of days so they cleared the place out in my absence. It was all sold in the local pub apparently.

What I am sorry about is, I lost some stuff that cannot be replaced. Can't even come close to it, I feel hurt but that but glad I wasnt there as could well have been hurt.

I moved out the day I discovered it, There wasnt much left to pack. The landlords put me up in a hotel until I got somewhere else, (took almost a week) they cleaned the place and bent over backwards and did everything they could to be helpful. They also gave me double my deposit back to help with getting a new place and references. It wasnt down to me why I was leaving but I didn't want to stay on.

I was young and vulnerable for many reasons (I had moved in there right after I came out of MH hospital after being sectioned)

Batsy - have you got started on packing yet? I've actually kicked mine off today. I don't have a date yet but works are on hold up on new house as waiting for electric to be connected.

I've picked exactly what I want for different places, flooring and paint but one bit at a time as I need to get the money together to sort out.

Friends will help move and my support workers are gearing up for a lot of involvement intensely for a week or 2.

Im making lots of lists. All ready to print off when needed.

I made a lovely caesar salad yesterday evening however I regretted it a lot last night when I got sick Envy, I grabbed the nearest thing to me which was a pint jug which I have labelled not for the kitchen as I use it to collect urine samples in. Aggh I filled it several times over while I tried not to pass out.

Im tending to fall asleep in the early evening (8/9pm) but then come to 3.40/4am Im awake so Im allowing myself to have an hour or 2 in the middle of the day as I used to be good without sleep but now I just fall over and hit the ground asleep, the contact with floor wakes me. I can't stay awake even when heavily under caffeine.

Actually, I did do almost 22 hours 2 years ago at a family wedding, I calculated since how much caffeine it took and it's a wonder I didn't have a heart attack. I totally understand the call for energy drinks to be banned, it took roughly one can every hour to keep me with it so a hell of a lot of caffeine hits. My heart rate was calmed down a bit (I think) by taking CBD oil for pain relief which is one of the rare times I've used it. (Im saving it for last resort) as I don't have a lot of options.

The fallout hit at breakfast the next morning when I collapsed and had to be taken back to the room and put to bed, the hotel offered to call an ambulance or Dr as it seemed so bad. I can barely recall the next day its such a blur or the next week.

The hotel was great as were very accommodating and gave us very late check out with no charge. It was almost 5 pm when I was helped out the room by 4 family members as I couldn't function. It definitely wasnt a hangover from alcohol but come down from caffeine which aggravated one of my other conditions which floored me fully. I was ok and had started my breakfast when wallop, I met the floor suddenly.

Understand the stress re moving, I have filtered down my books over time and the local community house has done quite well and now has a small library. I've also passed stuff on to sell for charity.

I have a lot of stuff needs to be dumped as well but will get there with it.

I bought fablon to do a job on the washing machine/dishwasher/ tumble dryer as they will all be in the new kitchen when I move so they will all look colour co-ordinated. Can I fablon the tumble dryer does anyone know? (website says yes)

I need to let a lot of stuff go so that will be hard but doable. Im a hoarder in recovery and that's what my support workers have been doing with me mainly as they know its the emotional support of it alongside the practical side and they take stuff out of the house asap before I can change my mind. (I have only retrieved one thing back) as I found the rest of the Wii and so wanted the games back.

I started a new medication last week and [fingers crossed] it's helping a lot. Less retaining fluid, slightly better BP levels so that's 3 lots of BP medication now which still hits figures that make the GP have high blood pressure herself. Im was so glad the constantly painful swollen ankles which I had put up with so long (they were swollen solid) have now gone down and aren't painful.

Plan for tonight is to try to stay awake to watch a documentary on TV, its about a murder that happened about 15 miles away from me so of interest.

Right, I will shut up now cos that is a hell of a long post.

Batsypatsy · 25/04/2019 04:30

Smurfy sounds like you lived in a similar area to mine!
Sorry you've been sick. Hope you feel better now.
I've still not started packing, but I have to soon! I can't do much when I move, I can't afford to. There's no carpet in the living/ dining room, just bare floor boards, and live no rugs to put down, but it'll have to do. I have to remove the old carpet before I leave my flat here, but the cats have ruined it, so not much point taking it, plus I couldn't lay it myself.
I didn't sleep well last night, so went to bed this afternoon, consequently I can't sleep now! It's going to be a long day tomorrow!

inmyownworldagain · 25/04/2019 14:45

Bloody hell Smurfy, how lovely though that so many people helped after those two took everything. I always try concentrate on the good people in a bad situation. Could it be from that why you started hoarding?

Yes it was the police, they had the right house just wasn't quite what they expected, I'm not sure how much I can say but it's not as dodgy as they guessed.
Slowly feeling more normal in my home, it's weird thinking anyone can just come in if they really want to.

I've just cleared the garage into sections to get rid of slowly in the normal bins after someone quoted me an insane price to empty it and I've tidied the back garden up and shed.

I've got a charity bag for monday I want to fill I just don't know what with so I'm going to rummage round.

OP posts:
smurfy2015 · 25/04/2019 18:21

My hoarding trigger I can pinpoint it right down to a particular date, 21st November 2007.

Everything was falling apart around me, Mentally I was putting on a great show and looking like I was holding things together and "everything was fine" but it wasnt. I needed to show my mum I was OK and would be alright without her.

My mum was dying in isolation ward in regional hospital
my brother was "temporarily barred" that week from hospital visiting as the children (the 4 youngest had chickenpox so he could pass shingles),
my neck was very painful from when my car was written off 11 days before in a one-vehicle accident (a joint had come loose on the car and so the steering wheel came off in my hands on a bend),
I had spent the previous 3 nights sitting in a hospital room all day and night but I was hiding my pain as best I could. A&E was going to refer for physio, it never materialised.
I had come off my anti-depressants suddenly so was in acute withdrawal due to this (I was by my mums side as many nights as she needed me but due to being called back to the hospital I needed to be able to drive at short notice - hospital was 50 miles away and the medication was sedating that when taking it, it was difficult to stumble to the bathroom from bed never mind be safe to drive),
I was very sleep deprived,
my mum's brother (her only surviving family member at that moment, was in another hospital in the opposite direction (also dying), both had become ill suddenly
I felt guilty as I told her how well he was doing so as not to upset her. Mum was in an isolation ward so needed my company, she called for me all the time.

A cousin was causing a lot of unnecessary drama behind the scenes and I was doing my best to keep the drama and stress out the hospital room.

I was completely broke financially as hit a lot of expenses in one go, there was absolutely no food in the house at all when I got home that night, I had only moved to the town a few months before and I had nowhere to turn and had about £10 left, it was my first time home in a few days and that £10 was accounted for parking charges. My brother couldn't loan me any as he had to take unpaid time off as well so was tight there too.
I was in unpaid time off work
I left the college course I was doing part time as I couldn't give any time to it or meet its requirements and at first my mums situation looked like would be long term, it wasnt
relatives and her friends were phoning me and cos I wouldn't take the calls in front of her cos my time was all hers, I ended up spending ages repeating the same thing to various people when I returned calls and fielding off stupid questions like "why don't they do this", what caused this/that? - none of us had the answers, the post mortem answered those for us as she was far too ill to test for some of what they suspected,
my oldest nephew was in crisis (due to drugs) and took my brother and his family hostage with a gun so they ended up having to call the police when they got the youngest kids out.

I was starving and vowed when I would get on my feet again, I would have backups of my backups of everything so I could try and avoid that situation happening
My boyfriend (won't call partner) showed his true colours and so I ended it, (hitting me cos I had barely seen him and wasnt making time for him - he only did it once but that was the end)
I was also hitting the lowdown with the acute withdrawal of the antidepressants and was having suicidal thoughts but couldn't do anything till my mum was gone.
Another friend (who I have since disconnected from like the cousin) was causing massive drama for me and finally, brothers partner at the time being a massive drama queen and trying to make everything about her (it wasnt about her surprisingly)
My CPN and psychiatrist were stressing me out, the CPN couldn't get her head around the fact that my mum needed me and expected me to leave her to travel 40 miles back to see the psych and then I could pop back to mum again. So add another 80 miles into my day - no problem - she was a real chocolate teapot anyhow

So that's where my hoarding stems from hitting a rock bottom and being afraid of going back there.

I know now I am ok and safe and have background plans which will help if needed and people around who love me and support me whatever.

Over the last 2 years+ I am getting to grips with it and am well on my way to recovery with it, this house move will take me almost back to a "normal mindset" with regard to stuff (particularly a food hoarder).

Batsypatsy · 25/04/2019 19:22

Smurfy {{hugs}} You've been through a really hard time and you are doing so well. So sorry about your mum and all the terrible things that happened. Flowers Cake

Batsypatsy · 25/04/2019 19:24

I've started packing! At last! I've packed about half my books and most of my dvd and CDs and also some clothes. I've got 5 carrier bags full for the charity shop.

I'm definitely going to run out of boxes, used most already.

smurfy2015 · 25/04/2019 19:42

Brilliant re the packing. Life has been eventful. I downsized my DVDs / CDs last year to get rid of the covers and packing into storage cases. There were a lot, I have almost 2000 in all.

If you contact the local health centre and ask them when the continence team dispenses pads etc and could you arrange to get the boxes, it's always useful as you are stopping them going to recycling. You get free clean double walled boxes with handles and are all of the same size so easy stacking.

My spare room has a load of boxes packed up, it also has loads of boxes ready to put together. I have acquired a load of Tesco crates and they will be used for packing my cupboards.

I am putting a box of all the bits to do stuff with, so cables, tv bits, bits to attach to different things,

I need to wash my hair sometime this week I hope, I am only giving myself a basic wipe over in the mornings but yes to clean stuff daily.

Have made to do lists but am pacing myself out for if I use all energies now, I will be flattened when the move comes. I don't have a date yet.

Also, try getting a couple of rolls of bin bags for stuff like bedding, curtains, cushions - get a different colour than you normally use so stuff doesnt get mixed up and you don't chuck stuff away that you needed. I use white bin liners in my bins normally but all stuff packing up in bags is currently in silver bin liners so not easily mixed up.

Are you looking forward to your new place?

How is everyone else getting on?

Batsypatsy · 25/04/2019 20:38

You're doing well.

I'll ask at my local tesco for boxes. Annoyingly I saw someone putting removal boxes out for recycling this morning but couldn't take them with me because I was walking, then it rained really heavily.

I've got sturdy bin bags and have started packing my clothes.

I'm looking forward to moving and getting out of this place, but terrified of the move. Can't arrange broadband or anything because I don't have a fixed date yet.

inmyownworldagain · 20/12/2019 23:29

I had to come back here to see how you all are?

I kinda miss coming back here to you all, letting out how up or down things are.

Merry Christmas Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Rollonspring89 · 21/12/2019 20:49

Hi. To start with you need some support. It sounds as though you really are struggling. There's no reason to not change your pants and brush your teeth. So perhaps every night take your underwear off get in your PJ's and replace them with a clean pair every morning. That is simple. Then go brush your teeth. If you don't brush your teeth your breath is going to stink and people will notice. Also you don't want painful bleeding gums and tooth loss.

When you wash your hair brush it when you get out the shower.

Give yourself some you time. Buy yourself some nice bubble bath, shower gel, a face mask, body lotion and face cream. It can be Asda or boots own brand. You can get all that for less than £10. Treat yourself to a weekly half hour bath or shower.

If you are not interested in makeup then that's not an issue. But essential hygiene and self care is important. If you really can't do the basic things then please go to your gp and tell them you are struggling. Most people wouldnt want to wear the same knickers for more than a day. I think there's a deeper issue here. I'm surprised hubby doesn't notice

Rollonspring89 · 21/12/2019 21:00

Seen this is an.old threqd! Apologies!!!!

Aheraldangel · 22/12/2019 02:54

Rollon these are all common with depression, if you read the whole thread you'll get more of an idea. It's not as simple as just putting on clean pants. We all know we should do that, we know we need to clean our teeth etc. That doesn't help when you can't find the motivation to do so.

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