Can someone 'sit' with me?

[Youtwohumpedcamel]

I have MH problems. This week I've been especially unwell.

It's all come to a head tonight. And I'm wanting to SH.

I don't really know exactly what I'm wanting from this thread. I feel incredibly lonely and I'm struggling with all my thoughts. I don't know what to do.

Can someone keep me company please?

It's not 'you' at all. You are amazing! To steal your broken leg - if someone broke your leg you wouldn't think it was because there was something wrong with your leg and that's why it broke!

I've never posted on the stately homes but I would have if I'd found MN years ago. I wish I did find MN years ago, I think my life would have got better a lot sooner.

Ha - try asking there if it's you or them that are the root cause of your mental health troubles, I can guess the answer!

People have been through so much. I worry that I might be told I'm being silly.

You've been through so much and you're defintely not silly. It says survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families. You definitely qualify!

Life is not going to always be a struggle. It's just not. Because you're open to learning a new way of doing things. You don't want to be always struggling. You're well able to see the logic of things but they did such a number on you that you still kind of believe their fucking lies. And that's what they were. Lies. As you said, ingrained. Brainwashed I suppose. Because you were a perfect beautiful little girl just like your DD. Absolutely nothing wrong with you in any way, shape or form. You needed to be loved and cherished and guided and protected and encouraged. Just like every other single child ever in the history of the world.

You do have to work through all the anger and the grief because it wasn't fucking fair what was done to you. They were wrong and you were right but children are powerless. But you aren't powerless now, you have control over your own home and you can look after yourself and be kind to yourself and nurture yourself and teach yourself and protect yourself and love yourself. And you've got DC that love you more than anything else in
the whole world.

Definitely try the stately homes thread Camel, people are very supportive and full of great advice on there
they will help you
You can always name change if you prefer not to be linked to this thread 🤗

That's true, hadn't thought of it like that.

Dysfunctional and toxic is sooo true. I kind of look back and I'm just baffled at some of the stuff, disgusted and I just think WTAF?!

That's true, I don't want to struggle. This evening I've written a list of things I want to do, things I want to put in place that will help me and make things better for me and the kids. Like writing a chore list for me, finishing my box, I've got maybe 20 things on my list and I'm thinking of asking the APT people to help me with them. I can come up with things but struggle to actually do them. So it might be that we do one thing a day. Slowly tick off the list. I'll see what they say first and if I think they might be open to it then I might suggest it.

They did do a number on me. Especially my step mum. I cant wait for therapy, I really can't. I know that's what will make all the difference.

We've had a good evening, I'm still a bit down but we had Chinese (v rare occurrence for the DC) and dipped strawberries in chocolate and set them in the fridge, and watched spy kids with the strawberries.

Oh and I made a pom pom and watched a little bit of Twilight: New moon. I've just recently realised that I don't actually have to watch a film in one go! I can watch the rest tomorrow!

Now I'm laying in bed doing that silent crying thing. I think I best sleep. Night 😊

Sleep well lovely Camel.

I always watch films in installments Camel
you're going to be ok, you know to reach out and find help
you are a good loving parent, you will not pass on the mistakes of your parents

you are a good loving parent, you will not pass on the mistakes of your parents

Exactly.

Wondering how you are today, Camel, and if you slept ok. x

Checking in with you so you know someone is sending you good thoughts.

I'm so tired, so utterly exhausted by everything. I just want some rest from everything.

I saw the APT people. They were nice. I'll be seeing them again everyday this week.

Right now I just want to stop. To curl up and not have to do or be anything.

Thank you for thinking of me

Take the rest. You don't have to be updating here, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you lots and rooting for you and I'll be here if you want to post and it's perfectly ok for you not to post. I'll post so you know I'm still thinking of you but don't feel at all you have to reply or give any updates or anything like that. I know what it's like to be so exhausted you don't even want to speak at all, not to mind about an awful situation. Sometimes you just need to save your energy for survival and distraction. Sending you lots of love and good vibes.

I can't believe how ill I am. It's all so confusing. I'm fed up of feeling like this.

I struggled this afternoon, just felt like I had nothing to give. I feel a little better now, not long until the children go to bed. Then I'll eat something. I need to sew some elastic onto my son's mittens.

I see the APT tomorrow, no idea what we're going to do but I'm sure we'll do something. Bit nervous about it tbh.

I can't choose what to have to eat. Usually if I can't choose then I won't eat.

I'm sat here in tears and I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm tired.

What are the meal options?

Sorry for such a silly question - just didn't know what to say and thought I'd focus on practicalities. I wish you weren't in tears and you didn't feel so awful.

Though I do think tears are a good thing - allowing some of the bad stuff out.

@Youtwohumpedcamel just wanted to say I am here

My step-brother has severe MH issues and I am trying hard to understand what he needs

Your posts are amazingly honest and incredibly helpful to me, giving real insight into his possible feelings

Thank you - you are doing a wonderful, useful, educational & compassionate thing by posting

I am sitting on that sofa with you, hand holding, listening and just being there x

I think you might be right about letting stuff out.

I got several ready meals in my shopping delivery today. I went and had a look in my freezer and saw the stew and dumplings, so I've stuck that in the microwave and I'll have some bread with it. Stews comforting to me. As is pasta bake.

I think I'm going to eat, and then go to bed. I dont have any energy to anything else.

I've been so quiet to my friends. I just can't bring myself to text them back, to have idle conversations when I feel so terrible.

I think I might go to the cinema on my own on Wednesday.

Jackstini thank you, that's so kind of you. I'm really glad I'm helping you understand your step brother a little better. It's so difficult when the thing you're fighting is your own mind. This is by far the worst episode I've ever had, it's so confusing and scary.

I've been so quiet to my friends. I just can't bring myself to text them back, to have idle conversations when I feel so terrible.

I do that too - and then feel bad for not replying. It can't be helped right now though if you can let them know you're not feeling well. That covers a lot! Sometimes I say I'm exhausted and think I might be coming down with something. A few vague things like that if I don't want to get into conversation about anxiety etc!

Glad you decided to eat. It's funny - when I'm very anxious I can't make decisions at all. Can't decide what laundry to do first, things like that. And end up doing no washing at all!

I actually don't feel bad for not replying. They take take take, but don't give much back.

I'm the same, find it hard to make choices anyway but when I'm ill it's nearly impossible. I worry that what I choose will be the wrong thing.

I slept well, but I feel tired and very fed up today. Feel like I want to give up. Like everything's too much today.

Tiredness and everything being too much is all part of it, isn't it?

Question for you - when was the last time you got a blood test done for B12, iron, Vit D, thyroid etc? I ask because my B12 was low and I was putting my exhaustion solely down to stress and grief and mental health. I did feel less tired after VitB shots.

Are all your friends like that or did you have particular ones in mind that are takers and not givers?

Yup, I'm pushing people aside. I just can't deal with people, I really can't right now. The exhaustion is just awful.

I had a blood test in November. It won't hurt to have another though.

I've got 2 in particular. One is a friendship of 8+ years. The other is a friendship of 2 months, it's VERY full on. I'm her only friend. I've had to step back from both. I've got some lovely friends too.

I'd stay well away from the 2 months one anyway! I'm glad you've stepped back, it shows you can and will look after yourself.

Our kids are friends, but I do need to step away from her. Today she said that she doesn't trust me to tell her if I got close to being admitted and that if I had to go in hospital then she'd lose me... I need to unfriend but easier said than done.

The APT people were really nice today, we went for a walk and talked. They say I'm doing better.

I do feel a little better and I'm more able to see positives now. At times, I've even thought about the future.

Other times I get a deep low depression. I'm a Harry Potter fan, and it's like there's a dementor following me wherever I go. Like I'll never be happy again. The APT people are going to help me get some stuff done, work at putting things in place that will help me help myself once they go.

I feel like I just want to be on my own, shut the door and block out the outdoors.

I bought some things today so that I could use my slow cooker instead of too many ready meals. I think I might make hotpot tomorrow.

The slow cooker was a great idea. I remember living on biscuits one time.

The APT people sound great. I'm glad you felt a tiny bit better. It's so hard when you feel nothing is going to get better. I get what you mean about the Dementors.

Your friend sounds a bit mad - when you're in serious trouble she just thinks about how it affects her?

Is there anything that makes you feel a bit better? So you feel better after a good cry? I think at my worst I didn't cry at all, just felt kind of terrible and numb.

Any news on your medication?

I really wish I could help you more. Are you writing anything in the notebook? Maybe keep track of anything you did that helped you feel a little bit better.