Can someone 'sit' with me?

[Youtwohumpedcamel]

I have MH problems. This week I've been especially unwell.

It's all come to a head tonight. And I'm wanting to SH.

I don't really know exactly what I'm wanting from this thread. I feel incredibly lonely and I'm struggling with all my thoughts. I don't know what to do.

Can someone keep me company please?

Finally back from collecting teen! I’m a great taxi service 😉
It’s lovely out there tonight. So light!

mine are grown up now but I remember really struggling mentally when they were small

what things would help you stay afloat, what sort of 'armbands' do you need to help you keep swimming OP?

ha! I remember the 'taxi' days

It’s a pain when you just wanna go to bed, but I know I’ll miss the ‘taxi days’ one day...

Taxi service single Mum with two teens here.. it’s a whole other lifestyle 😉..
hope all is quiet with your wee ones and they in their nights sleep..
they are safe, warm and loved... you are doing a good job..

Camel, you're just as important as any one else. Please talk to the nurse tomorrow - it could be that your meds need tweaking, it could be because January is a hard month, it could even be the moon (someone just said that about Theresa May on another thread). You wouldn't be getting this help unless you need it, so use it. You're a valid human being. Look how much you love your kids, you deserved to be loved like that and it wasn't your fault your weren't. It was completely not your fault and you are not to blame in any way at all. You're a precious important woman raising lovely children who will take their place in the world and spread more of the good stuff. You're breaking the cycle of abuse. You're fantastic. You're strong and you're good and you're admirable.

You are important.
You matter.
I know how hard it can be to open up, but try to tell someone how you’re feeling - a friend, your cpn, etc. They can’t help you otherwise!
Xx

I'm a little late arriving but I'm here too xx

Hope it goes well with your CPN tomorrow; she sounds great. The way we see ourselves and our worth when we are at our lowest is not how others see us; you sound lovely and a terrific mum

Never really liked fruit gums, too chewy 😂. I have just been reading another thread, the one about if you know any serial killers. Really creeped me out had to go downstairs and check id locked the doors! I hope your feeling a bit calmer now. I think what a pp said about breaking time down helps, it does for me anyway. It really is so exhausting constantly battling your thoughts. I do belive the cpn in our (small) town is really lovely. I hope you manage to sleep tonight and things are a bit more managable in the morning

How are you doing, camel?

Joining late but here for you, how are you?

Camel, I hope you're asleep.

Good luck with your CPN today. Hope you are ok

Morning,

I broke my 10 month streak. So I guess today I start from scratch. I did quickly fall asleep after and I actually slept well.

I'm still in bed, the kids are awake and playing in my daughter's room, we'll get up soon and start getting ready.

I will talk to my CPN and tell her how I'm struggling. She'll want to know why I haven't reached out to her, and then I'll feel bad for not contacting her and for talking to her about things. So either way I end up feeling bad. I can't win against my head.

I like the analogy of armbands! Never thought of it like that. I really don't know what I need.

Apileofballyhoo thank you, I'll try to remember that. I struggled last January and got really ill. I try so hard for the kids, I so so don't want them to have to recover from their childhoods. Both their dad's are shits.

I haven't seen the serial killer thread! I get scared at things like that, I hear something bad then go through every scenario possible, if my neighbour turned out to be a serial killer, if I got taken by a serial killer, my head runs away with all the possibilities.

My son has just walked in with a big grin pushing a pushchair, he looks so happy and chuffed with himself. I best get up and get them sorted.

Camel, I'm glad you slept well. Honestly January is a terrible month. My most suicidal times were always in January. Next year plan for it - up the meds, get a light lamp thing, ask for extra help. This is not something to blame yourself for.

Please try and recognise that you are not in any way at fault. Be angry at the people that failed you and sad for yourself. Those things are realistic and valid. The thoughts you had last night have no basis in reality. Absolutely none.

Sending you good thoughts all day.

I have a similar response when I hear about things that are frightening, I imagine all the various things that could happen and it can feel very distressing
I try to tell myself that lots of us do this kind of thing, it's natural to worry about loved ones and the fact that I'm worrying about it doesn't mean it's going to happen
it can be difficult though when your mind looks onto things like that.
I do agree with @ballyhoo, January is a tough month!

Try not to feel bad for not reaching out to the CPN, I presume the reason she wants to know why is so she can help you to overcome the things that stop you reaching out

January is a crap month. I started it with D&V too. I am angry. At so much. I just can't get past the hurt.

I glad it's not just me that panics about things they hear about. I don't watch the news anymore as it makes me ill.

I've seen my CPN, broke down a little and told her everything. She's referring me to the admission prevention team. Shes also going to speak to their dr about upping my meds
I hope these things help. I don't feel very safe at all.

Hi Camel:) it's good that you were able to tell the CPN how things are for you
so sorry to hear that you dont feel safe, are there any things that could make you feel safer.

It's very hard dealing with anger and pain

Well done for talk it about it. I'm currently going through huge waves of panic attacks so can empathise with you x

Camel, that's really positive. I'm so sorry you don't feel safe. Does writing help you at all? Someone told me once that the act of reading and writing can pull the focus away from the part of your brain that controls emotions and to the logical thought part of your brain, which calms you down.

Also, movement, of any type. It relieves the 'flight or fight' thing that your body is trapped in when you feel anxious and unsafe. Walk around the room. Shake out your arms and legs. Go into another room and then come back.

Distraction - What would you do if you won the lottery? What countries or cities or famous landmarks would you like to see in real life? Apparently this is why a lot of gardeners find gardening calming - they are always imagining things to do. Planning ahead - is there any day out you have to look forward to? Any friend you like seeing you haven't seen for ages? Any room in your house you'd like to paint? What colour? What would be your ideal sofa, money permitting? Favourite meals to cook or eat? What would your ideal winter coat be?

Just things to keep intrusive thoughts at bay. The more interested you are in a subject the easier it is. So you could walk around your house until you've thought of 10 places you'd like to see, and then write them in a list. Every time a horrible thought comes force your mind back to thinking of Sydney opera house and whether or not you'd like to see it in real life.

Obviously these are just examples but you get the idea.

Just to let you know at my worst I felt so unsafe I couldn't leave the house on my own. So if you're leaving the house you've beaten me hands down.

keep in mind that the reduced daylight at this time of year has very real mood lowering effects
the light is coming back to us, I know it doesn't feel like it but we are on our way to warmth and more daylight

even when you're feeling tip top it can be very hard to get out when you have little ones to organise!

also routines can be helpful to make you feel safer, they can make you feel held in a sort of framework
could you try a little home yoga, some stretching daily?
As Ballyhoo says movement can be helpful

I'm breaking time down into jobs at the moment. Concentrating on just getting through the next job. Right now I'm in my pjs cuddling my teddy bear and reading/ playing on my phone. I do love reading.

My CPN has told me to write on my mirror, I'm strong, I'm beautiful, I've got this. I'll do that tonight I think. She knows how little I think of myself.

My life feels like a constant fight or flight scenario. Always on edge, honestly I'm so exhausted by the things in my head. I'm so tired.

I've been thinking of trying to exercise more, I've been looking at a cross trainer id like to get. It did help last year, doing some exercise. I've also put on weight, id really like to make a dent in it.

I do actually need to finish painting the kitchen, I have some cutting in to do, and my bathroom. I'm going to do the bathroom navy blue, with bright pink towels and accessories, I also want to try and get some flamingo wall stickers for it too haha.

I should come into a bit of money soon and I've been thinking of getting new sofas. I have a corner sofa but it really doesn't suit the room. I'm thinking of getting a 2 seater sofa and a cuddle chair.

I've been out, had to take my daughter to school. My friend came back for a little while. She knows I'm struggling as does another friend. Obviously not the extent but know I'm suffering.

I'm worried how to get through tonight. I want the thoughts to stop, this feeling to stop. All of it to stop.