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Original poster

Can someone 'sit' with me?

216 replies

Youtwohumpedcamel · 20/01/2019 20:38

I have MH problems. This week I've been especially unwell.

It's all come to a head tonight. And I'm wanting to SH.

I don't really know exactly what I'm wanting from this thread. I feel incredibly lonely and I'm struggling with all my thoughts. I don't know what to do.

Can someone keep me company please?

OP posts:
Wordthe · 20/01/2019 21:40

Also I think if you tell someone that puts them under pressure to respond in a certain way
and you know that if they respond in a way which makes you feel worse that's going to be difficult for both of you

It can feel so risky, you want to confide in them because that's what friends do, but you need to know that they will respond in a way which is helpful
and how can you know that?

Sometimes you wonder if confiding things this 'heavy' is too much?
sometimes you wonder if that is above and beyond what's his normal in friendships?

Happyinheels · 20/01/2019 21:42

It is so tough being a single mum, having to carry everything ourselves and feeling the weight of it all on our shoulders. But I think all mums doubt themselves though, wonder if we're doing right by our kids. We all do our best. I tell my kids all the time that I've never done this before and I'm learning as I go along. It's so good that you have your kids as your focus and that you can acknowledge they are happy and healthy. You've totally got this. Even though you feel like you haven't. Listen to what you've just said. You've so got this. Deep breath and tell yourself 'I've so got this.'

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 21:43

It's like your brain is going 'I feel bad' and then concluding it must be because you are bad or wrong in some way, and if you are bad or wrong maybe it's because people are plotting or your boyfriend is going to split up with you etc

Maybe these things are coming from a general underlying sense that you don't feel right and you don't feel safe
and the thoughts that you are having are a kind of rationalisation of these underlying feelings?

Could that be what's going on, do you think?

OdeToDiazepam · 20/01/2019 21:45

Well just from what you've told us I can tell you that there are people who like you, it sounds like you have a support network of people looking out for you and who appreciate what you do, you're a kind person who is there for her friends.

Your children are safe and happy asleep so you're doing a fantastic job as a mum, whilst battling with your mh which is really tough. It also sounds like you've been able to access help through the gp with your meds and crisis team number, so you're able to access help and support and take positive steps to improve your health. That's a lot to be proud of op Thanks

Original poster
Youtwohumpedcamel · 20/01/2019 21:46

They are nearly 2 and 6years.

I am listening to music, though glee's version of it I die young has just come on. Might change that!

When I started speaking out about how my dad and stepmum were abusing me, they branded me a liar/attention seeker to the teachers, and it fed down to my whole school year. Bullied horrendously for it.

Now I can't stand anything that gives me any attention. I know, strange how I've started this thread. But I guess it's different because it's anonymous.

OP posts:
XmasPostmanBos · 20/01/2019 21:47

I agree you are doing well and still keep a sense of humour through it all!

Hmm12121 · 20/01/2019 21:48

Absolutely everything Ode said ⬆️

courderoy · 20/01/2019 21:48

You explained the negative thoughts really well. Has it helped with the confusion and what is real / not real?

Apileofballyhoo · 20/01/2019 21:49

Applying logic.

Well your friend that bought you the chocolate likes you and so do your kids. You are more than good enough and better and stronger than most, because you are going through this struggle and keeping yourself as healthy as possible for the sake of your lovely DC.

Everyone does stuff wrong sometimes and it's impossible to be perfect. All anyone can do is try.

Don't know about your bf! I'd guess not if you have nothing to go on, and even if he did it wouldn't be the end of the world. Break ups happen and they can be hard and messy but time passes.

Hmm12121 · 20/01/2019 21:50

You sound like you’ve been through so much. You are stronger than you think.

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 21:50

It is so awful and so humiliating to be not believed, and the anger that you feel at the betrayal by people who you should be able to trust

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 21:51

You are reaching out for help, that shows that you have good instincts
good protective instincts

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/01/2019 21:55

If you want to feel positive from music try and find the video of a crowd singalong to Queens Bohemian Rhapsody (Green Day). I can't do a link but it always makes me feel part of a wonderful world.

Original poster
Youtwohumpedcamel · 20/01/2019 22:00

Thanks for being here.

Yes telling friends is risky. They might respond in a negative way. I don't wanna put it on them, it's too heavy.

Neither have their dad around and I don't have much family. Those I do have are in a different county.

The underlying thing is the belief that I'm a horrible, terrible person, who is stupid and will always get things wrong. That everyone knows what a ridiculous person I am and they just put up with me. Heavy going.

I always think the worst case scenario is going to happen. It's exhausting!

OP posts:
OdeToDiazepam · 20/01/2019 22:02

Did you say you were going to speak to someone tomorrow? I've never been able to fully open up to friends and family about darkest thoughts but find it easier (not easy though) to speak to gps and professionals

What are your plans for tomorrow?

babs7051 · 20/01/2019 22:03

I find the calm harm app can help when I have the urge to sh might help you as well? It's designed to distract you when you have the urge.

courderoy · 20/01/2019 22:03

It is exhausting. How is your sleep. You said you might still be up for the eclipse...

Wordthe · 20/01/2019 22:04

It does sound very tiring
I don't know you but you come across as decidedly intelligent and likeable 😊
I don't get any kind of a feeling that you are heavy going

Apileofballyhoo · 20/01/2019 22:09

The underlying thing is the belief that I'm a horrible, terrible person, who is stupid and will always get things wrong. That everyone knows what a ridiculous person I am and they just put up with me. Heavy going.

That's pretty much what I always thought at my worst. I think it's because the people that were supposed to love me, as in parents, failed at it. But they were the failures, not me. There's nothing unloveable about me any more or less than any other person. I'm just a normal human being. They were fucked up though.

Flowers for you.

HongKongPhooeyLooey · 20/01/2019 22:11

Room for a wee one? I have crackers, a can of diet coke and some fruit pastiles. I can identify with you OP. I have my first appointment with a CPN in 2 weeks. Im also a single mum and have the same thoughts as you. Its shit isnt it? Its comforting to know we are not alone.

Original poster
Youtwohumpedcamel · 20/01/2019 22:16

Yeah I have a community psychiatric nurse, I've been under the mental health team 10 years. I have an appointment with her tomorrow. She's lovely but I don't like even putting things on her, feel like other people are more worthy of the services and things. I can tell them more than friends and family

I've got the calm harm app. I didn't even think of that.

My sleep is ok, I'm on quetiapine and that helps a lot. I might be able to see it if one of the kids wakes about then. Sometimes one of them does.

I try to struggle on my own because I don't like to bother people. But I'm really struggling to stay afloat right now.

I've seen that bohemiun rapsody video (sp) before. It's great. I was in the schools production of we will rock you, must be 10 years ago now. I'm 27.

Actually there's a version of greensleeves on YouTube I love. Iĺl put that on

OP posts:
Original poster
Youtwohumpedcamel · 20/01/2019 22:18

HongKong it's shit. So hard. I've had some lovely CPN's. Hope your app goes well. Oh fruit pastels, love those, and fruit gums!

OP posts:
XmasPostmanBos · 20/01/2019 22:18

I think you need something to hold onto when things get bad so always remember that you are a loving mum and that's the best thing you can be to help your dc through life.

courderoy · 20/01/2019 22:29

How are you feeling now OP?

OdeToDiazepam · 20/01/2019 22:30

Try and be honest with your cpn tomorrow about how you're feeling, it's their job to listen and support you, and you have every right to access that support.

You're only a year older than me, and I'm a single mum too, my Dc are 3 and 8 Smile

Do you feel like you'll be able to sleep soon? Have you managed to put the things away? Glad that you're enjoying some music, it's got me through some really tough times keeping bad thoughts out and my breathing under control, or even just having a cry