Can someone 'sit' with me?

[Youtwohumpedcamel]

I have MH problems. This week I've been especially unwell.

It's all come to a head tonight. And I'm wanting to SH.

I don't really know exactly what I'm wanting from this thread. I feel incredibly lonely and I'm struggling with all my thoughts. I don't know what to do.

Can someone keep me company please?

Hello camel, how are you doing today?

Hi, sorry for a late reply, I went to bed early after my bath.

I've had a busy day, I dropped both kids off, then got a taxi to the MH hospital. The people from the crisis team were great. They talked to me about everything. Asked so many questions and I was so honest.

They said that ultimately what I need is therapy, and I'm on the list. But she looked at me and said "but you need some help now" and I just a weight lifted, knowing I was going to get some help. That they'd taken me seriously and really understood. So the crisis team work with the Mind charity, so I've got a number to phone if I need to, they said They're similar to Samaritans but can advise and they tend to be friendlier. They also liaise with crisis team. They're going to tweak my quetiapine, I'd been adding 2 extra tabs to help and they're going to formally change it.

And I'm going to get help from the admission prevention team. I'm not sure if all areas have the same, but it's like an alternative to being an inpatient. So they come out to me at home and help support, i think everyday, motivate, help Me help myself, until I can put things in place for myself. It sounds ideal. That should start in the next day or 2. Until then I'm getting regular phonecalls.

I was there for a couple of hours. Then decided to walk the 2 miles home. It was really good. Weather was lovely and I did enjoy it.

I'm going to get a gravity blanket I think. Not sure where from though? Does anyone have one?

I think seeing the crisis team gave me a bit of hope.

Thank you for caring and being there. It means so much. Like I'm less alone.

I'm nearly in tears from your update - that's all so positive and great to hear. I'm so pleased for you. I remember the first time I felt someone was really going to help me, and the relief of it.

I'd do a separate post about the gravity blanket so that more people might see it.

I'm so happy for you, camel, I feel like doing a little dance and giving you a big hug. Yay for you!

Hi OP, I've been following your thread and wanted to de-lurk to say how incredibly brave and honest you have been. I can't offer any support from my own experience but I am so glad that you have reached out to the professionals and more importantly that you are now receiving the help you need. I can feel the will you have to get better from reading your posts and I wish you all the very best for a healthy 2019.

Apileofballyhoo thank you so much for the support. In the last 3 years I've gone from one county in the adult team, took 7 months to be transferred to my New county, they decided to put me in the youth team though I was 25, then by the time I was taken into the youth team, I was there for 3 months before being transferred to new county adult team. So in that time I had v v little support. The adult team are great, and my CPN is the most supportive person. So the crisis team really understanding just felt massive, like they've all got my back.

Thank you Arabella that's so lovely, makes so much difference not to feel alone.

And what really put a smile on my face was when my daughter gave me this (pic should be attached) it's the first time she's written that I can understand and when I asked if she had help she said 'No I sounded it all out'

This website is fucking God send sometimes. We're here for you!!

Photos won't load. But it was a picture, with "I luv yoo so muhc" and "I luv yoow mum" and pictures on 😍😍😍 melted my heart.

Right now it feels like things might be ok.

Aww bless her. And she does. And you deserve it and you love her right back. I thought of something else to tell you but it's gone right out of my head!

You're welcome a hundred thousand times as we say in Irish. Keep posting and remember there are ups and downs and downs don't mean the end of the world.

Ah yes, I remember. I have an emotional bank account theory. When your bank account is full you're fine, you can deal with a few shocks or upsets without feeling all is lost. When it's empty the smallest thing can send you into overdrawn territory - you're then gone beyond empty, struggling to get through the day, exhausted and everything feels worse, even small things. And big things seem like an impossible struggle.

Emotional support and love fill that account up. Even the little bit from here, and the big amount from the nurse and the team today and from your lovely DD, they've all been deposits today! And you can make deposits yourself by being kind to yourself too.

It's just my little theory - I think DC are meant to be sent out into the world so full of certainty that they are absolutely loved that their emotional bank account never gets overdrawn. And when they do come across stumbling blocks they're able to manage.

Anyway, you're strong, you're beautiful, you've got this.

I like that saying

Your bank account theory is genius!! I can actually really understand that. I'm going to copy what you've written into my new note pad. That's exactly what I need to be doing, adding to my emotional bank balance. I've been trying to find a way to express that and you've explained that perfectly. Thank you for sharing it, that's really going to help me focus.

I did write that on my mirror as my CPN said. Felt a bit silly but makes me smile when I see it!!

Thank you a hundred thousand times

(closest thing to a hug on here)

So pleased to hear your update Camel, keep adding to that emotional bank account
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3487924-weighted-blankets

How are you today, Camel?

Hi, I was just coming on here to post. Thank you for the link to that thread, I'll read it properly tonight.

I'm feeling low, I pushed myself to go out with my friend and tbh the whole day was pretty awful, I so so hope this doesn't sound awful, but she was in quite a mood and it's really bought me down. I was trying so SO hard to push myself and ended up miserable.

I brought some craft type stuff today, and some nice bath things. I'm going to put it all in a box together somewhere I can see. When I'm feeling bad i dont try and think of things I can do to help myself, just end up going downhill fast so I'll put it somewhere I can see as a prompt.

Now feeding my kids. Once they're in bed, I'll try and relax. Feel like I'm running 100mph

Feeling really quite down. Just feel so fed up. Also agitated at the same time. Those urges are coming

Camel, missed your posts earlier. I'm so sorry. I hope you're asleep now and you got through the evening ok. Sometimes a big relief up day is followed by a down day. Sorry yours was so shit. Great idea about the box of nice stuff! Everyday should be a Camel being good to Camel day.

Your friend's stress brought you down because you don't have many reserves at the moment. It's really hard to get a balance between minding ourselves when we're feeling very low and getting out and about and doing things when we know that's also good for us.

The more self study you do and self care you do, the easier it will become to know when you can do things and when you need to stay home. I tried to go to a family function last summer and my anxiety just got so bad I couldn't - if I'd been wiser about what I was actually able for I would have let people know beforehand that I didn't think I'd be up for it and wouldn't be there. I had bad anxiety about going to a different function just before Christmas but I made it and it did me good to see people. But I was in a better place to start with!

I don't know if that makes any sense.

I've tried to teach my DS that feelings come and go and they're better out than in. I think it's only when we are not allowed express anger and grief that our systems stop being able to cope.

I've felt numb at times, and weighed down with a kind of numb sadness that I lost hope would ever lift - worse than the actual feeling was the weight of tiredness of trying to bear it, and having the recurring thought that I could end it. It's so shit.

So I kind of monitor myself. I follow Al-Anon (don't know if there has been any kind of substance abuse that affected you), and it's taught me I must put myself first. I can't give well unless I'm well and healthy myself. I truly didn't understand this as I thought putting myself first was being selfish. (If you like it's like when your emotional bank account is full you've got plenty to spare without noticing any effect.)

I started with this popular Al-Anon acronym HALT. Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? That was literally life changing for me, and it sounds so so simple, but I'd a lifetime of ignoring my own feelings until they forced their way out as anxiety and depression, which came and went in cycles. I don't think I even knew my own mind in lots of ways. HALT was so so helpful to me even after having been for counselling lots of times (a few different types) and medication (which saved my life).

Anyway I'm rambling about myself and I suppose I'm doing it so you can see that everything can be so utterly shit and you can still get through it and come out the other side and be ok and even happy.

Have you seen that meme doing the rounds with the boat? I'll have a look now.

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.

Found the quote anyway! I feel it's all very well to say - but if your boat isn't watertight you're in trouble - hence learning to put yourself first.

Hope to catch you tomorrow.

I found this when looking for the other thing.

Hi Apileofballyhoo

I really struggled last night. I nearly phoned the crisis team phone number but I didn't know what to say? I didn't know if I needed to tell them who I was before I said anything or if I could just say I was struggling and I didn't want to get it wrong and look silly. I eventually fell asleep but didn't have a great nights sleep.

You're right, I just don't have anything to give. I had another friend last night wanting advice. Both know I'm struggling, it felt like such a drain, and I've had 10 long paragraphs of messages from one of them today so far. I've sent a couple few word answers. I just need a break from it. I'm so so tired. So drained.

I'm the same, sometimes I push myself and it turns out ok. Other times it ends in me stressed, being a mess and it takes a couple of days to be ok again.

Everything you're saying is making perfect sense!

That heavy tiredness, hopelessness is what I'm feeling a lot. I see no way out of it.

I've always kept emotions in, or taken them out on myself, I first started SH'ing when I was 12. I was conditioned to 'look' like everything's ok, house tidy, well dressed, make up on even if minimum, no one from the outside should be able to see there's anything wrong with me. It comes from my Dad and stepmum originally and further reinforced in a 5year marriage from hell, had to flee to refuge in a different county.
Self harm was my addiction.

HALT sounds great, I'm so pleased it helped you. I do forget to look after me. I have so many ideas about things that might help myself, things I want to do. It just never really goes anywhere I struggle to actually do the things, put them in place. I have a terrible memory, and no motivation right now.

Thank you for sharing and being there, I don't think I can explain just how much you're helping. Someone else gets it, I'm not alone in feeling like this. I hope you're doing well yourself?

Both quotes are bloody brilliant! Especially the boat one! I'm going to copy both down.

thank you

I see no way out of it.

It will get better. It just will. You probably come across as very strong, capable and caring - I know when I had to eventually tell my boss I was taking sick leave of indeterminate length due to mental health he was utterly amazed. Unfortunately it means other people tend to tell me their problems.

I've started to learn to say no to things I can't do and that's including things I can't do because I don't want to. What a rebel! I do find that quite difficult though and I try to think of excuses, while I see healthy friends just saying no straight out. 'No, I'm planning a quiet evening at home by myself, I've been very busy lately.' 'No, that would be too late for my DC to get home.' 'No, I can't do Tuesday.' 'No, it would be too stressful to get from A to B before 5.'

Whereas I would rush myself and be a ball of anxiety trying to get wherever by 5. Or messing up my son's routine to fit in someone else. And yet I think nothing of it if a friend says they can't meet or do something for me, I don't in any way take it personally!

I'm fine most of the time - last year was very stressful as my DB died of cancer. My DH is an addict (cannabis and less so alcohol) and that causes a lot of stress but he's clean and sober now.

I got through those things without going into a terrible down because I've learned to name and acknowledge how I'm feeling and deal with it as best I can under the circumstances. And my lovely little DS has the joy of 10 men so he kind of spreads it around.

I spent a lot of time crying. And a lot of time with that horrible pain in your chest that's an emotional one. And a lot of time with a thumping heart and a dry mouth. But I know when those things are natural consequences to crappy situations, though I suppose my anxiety can be excessive when there's an accumulation of stress.

But generally I'm ok. I have to keep an eye on myself though.

Everyone tells me how strong I am. But I've had no other choice. I don't really have family help or support.

People don't seem to get how ill I am. Because I plaster the smile on. Even if they know. Then tell me things like "that will cheer you up" "hopefully you'll feel better by the weekend". Well meaning I guess.

Learning to say no, the guilt I feel. I worry and worry about what they think of me, replay the 'scene' over and over again.

I'm the same, if people cancel or say no then it's fine. I guess I think that everyone else is allowed to do certain things and I can't.

That sounds like a pretty shite year. That must have felt like too much to deal with at times. But you did it, and thats fab! Hopefully 2019 will be easier. I had felt that 2019 would be my year, a month in and I'm thinking this year will be just as shit as all the rest.

I heard from the admission prevention team (APT) lovely sounding woman. There's 4 in the team, they come out in 2's so quickly get to know them. Which is great as it won't be different people ALL the time.

They're hoping to come out tomorrow, and I think they stay about an hour everyday. I think they'll really help me.

Have felt pretty rubbish today, but we're gonna have Chinese and a film. So pretty relaxed. I'll dig out something from my box, maybe the origami!

Hope you've had a good day

People don't seem to get how ill I am. Because I plaster the smile on. Even if they know. Then tell me things like "that will cheer you up" "hopefully you'll feel better by the weekend". Well meaning I guess.

My DM used to sympathetically ask me if I had a touch of the 'January blues' when I was doing my level best not to kill myself.

Learning to say no, the guilt I feel. I worry and worry about what they think of me, replay the 'scene' over and over again.

It's absolutely amazing how similar the effects of abuse and neglect are. It was nearly 20 years ago when a counsellor first told me I could say no to things I didn't want to do. And I'm only starting to get a handle on it now.

Have you ever looked at the stately homes threads? The relationship board here has done me the world of good. Just lurking and reading and reading the responses from all the normal posters telling people over and over that they don't have to put up with shit.

It's so hard when your self esteem is caught up with pleasing other people.

I'm glad you've got a nice evening planned. Remember everyday is a be nice to Camel day.

I thought of something else but it's gone again!

Oh yeah, it's this. You are incredibly strong. That's kept you from giving up though it's been so hard. But life doesn't have to be a constant struggle, you can be free. It's time to put that strength into looking out for number 1.

Have you ever looked at the stately homes threads? The relationship board here has done me the world of good. Just lurking and reading and reading the responses from all the normal posters telling people over and over that they don't have to put up with shit
I totally agree Ballyhoo, I've learned such a lot here, it's so important to prioritize your own mental and physical health

That just takes the biscuit! They wouldn't say "have you got a sore knee?" To someone with a broken leg! I get that type of thing a lot.

It's affected me so much, even now I'm NC what they did affects me everyday. I didn't really realise that what I'm suffering were known side affects of abuse or neglect, I thought it was just me. And even like I'm 'making a fuss' like I was always told.

I have looked at stately homes but I don't know what to say? People have been through so much. I worry that I might be told I'm being silly.

It feels like life will always be a struggle. I can't see past what I'm feeling atm.

Wordthe that's something I struggle with, being selfish or thinking too much of myself have always been big no no's it's so hard to get the ingrained ungrained.