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Ive ruined my life

173 replies

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 00:55

To look at me i have the perfect life. Reality is ive been planning my death for some time now. I have accrued massive debt and i cant pay a single thing back. Its all my own fault. I have 2 beautiful sons but i can barely provide for them. My hisband is useless. I done all the night feeds,nappies and baths. I do all the housework and cooking. But if one thing is wrong he goes mad. I cant tell him about the debt cos he will kill me. He has a bad temper and i dont agree with the he disciplines our children. His temper has now caused a rift in my family and him and my brother dont speak and that kills me. I feel i have no way out. If i make my death look accidental my life insurance will pay out and my family would have something that i camt give.

OP posts:
Aus84 · 09/07/2018 01:07

By the sounds of it your children are better off with you then with your husband. They need you. YOU. Debt is nothing, people come back from massive debt all the time. It's hard to see that now but can you speak to someone about the steps you can take to get some control back? Have you got family or friends that you can talk to right now?

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 01:07

Come on now. You can't just leave the DC to the mercies of that bad tempered bully, without you to protect them! You need to go and talk to the family, tell them you need to LTB and ask for their support. The debt is the least of your worries. Leave that to one side for the moment

itsBritneyBeach · 09/07/2018 01:09

Killing yourself is not the answer my lovely. I've been there and I know it's hard to look past but absolutely in no way is suicide the answer. You know this really.
You have NOT ruined your life, you're going through an understandably shitty time but it doesn't mean it's never going to pass. It will pass, and one day you will be happy again.

Let's break this down into smaller segments to try and tackle.

Your husband - does he add that much to your life? If you do everything by yourself anyway would you benefit from leaving, if at all possible? You don't agree with his discipline methods - is this child abuse? Your post reads like he is abusive and a "bad temper" does not excuse a shitty person. If you need support, I would suggest calling Women's Aid and going into more detail with them and they should be able to offer advice. Hopefully another poster will come by soon with some more detail on this, as unfortunately I can't.

Your family - you say your husband has caused a rift, is there any chance they would support you if you opened up to them? It sounds to me as though they see him for who he truly is, albeit I have only seen a snapshot of what the story is. Don't be too afraid to ask for help.

The debt - it is shit, but it's NOT the end of the world and death is not the answer. You might have made some bad choices leading to the debt, but today can be the start of making good choices. Starting by staying alive for your beautiful boys. I would start by making a list/organising the debt and sitting with a trusted friend/family member (if there's one available) and prioritising/coming up with a basic plan. Over time, you can pay it back, even if it takes years and years. That's okay. Today is the day you can look forward and start kicking down the walls that feel like they're closing in on you. You can do it.

Your boys - you need to protect them as well as yourself. And you can't do that if you're not here! I too have had thoughts that people would be better off without me, that I was useless, but the truth is that it's all in your head. They need you alive. You love them. You want to see them live a good life, and you absolutely CAN provide that. It may seem like you have mountains to move, but in reality it's squashing a few molehills - although I know all too well it can feel crushing on your dark days.

You have NOT ruined your life, you sound panicked and I completely understand, but think rationally, even though it is hard. You can do this, I'm here to check in on you and help where I can, and I'm sure others will be soon. Please, please seek real-life help and visit your GP ASAP or call Samaritans right this second. The number is 116 123 and they offer 24 hour support. The number is free to call.

It takes a village. I will be thinking of you, please stay here. Things will get better. Thanks

LEMtheoriginal · 09/07/2018 01:13

Leave him. Then you xan sort out your debts. In the meantime write to your creditors with offers of token payments and that will buy yousome time. Then get in touch with one of the debt charities for advice. Payplan (we have a debt management plan with them) or national debt line are a good start. It really isnt as bleak as it looks.

Go to your gp and get some medication - it helps, trust me, and then get away from that bully who you live with.

If you are dead who will protect your children?

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:14

I just cant cope. I have dozens of family and friends Nd i cant talk to a single person because i am so ashamed and they would be so ashamed too. We both work but things are tight and that doesnt ecen cover the debts.i can barely afford a loaf of bread. Its just not a way to live. If i go,i know my boys will be looked after in ways i cant provide for them. I am a stupid selfish bitch amd i only have myself to blame for this mess

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itsBritneyBeach · 09/07/2018 01:16

They will NOT be ashamed. You shouldn't be ashamed. That's life, everyone has their shit but I swear to god they will support you. Please use what you have, seek help in any way you can. Soon.

Apileofballyhoo · 09/07/2018 01:20

If one of your family or friends came to you for help in this situation what would you do? You'd help them any way you could. Don't leave your friends and family wondering why you didn't ask them for help.

The money and debts don't matter, they can be sorted.

Your husband sounds like he has taken away a lot of your self confidence. I think your family world help you get away from him if you give them a chance.

LEMtheoriginal · 09/07/2018 01:22

Look we were in alot of debt and we came out the other side. We took bad advice and are now saddled with a huge mortgage but our debts are looked after by a management scheme (charity) and we pay back what we can afford.

There is no shame - that is not your burden.

I do understand - im not well and i get suicidal but i have children. There lives would be ruined if i did that. Im back on medication now and i niw CAN cope. Life us worth living and it can be for you too.

Every day look at your children - you can do this.

You are not alone.

Call the Samaritans. Call your dr tomorrow - they can help. They dont have a magic wand but they can help you cope.

This will pass

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:23

I have borrowed from friends and fMily Nd i cant repay them and now they will struggle. Im so stupid. I rang samaritans on thursday and its the first time ive spoken Bout my problems Nd i cried so hard i could barely breath. Im just so lonely.

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Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:25

I wish every day to get ill so my insurance will pay out. That is not normal

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itsBritneyBeach · 09/07/2018 01:29

@Herbie88 no it's not normal, which is why you should seek help ASAP. Please call Samaritans again, well done for doing it the first time. things will get better

LEMtheoriginal · 09/07/2018 01:33

It is good that you rang them. That was very brave of you.

It sounds like you have a supportive family. They will understand that you cant pay them back at the moment. Its not ideal but you cant magic money from thin air.

Can you reach out to your family to help you get away from your dh? I garuntee you will be able to pick up your life and be happy if you can make a break.

fieryginger · 09/07/2018 01:34

Please don't think this way. There are other routes, ways out of financial hardship.

Please call the Samaritans again, please see your gp tomorrow and be honest with them about how desperate you feel and they can help you.

Nobody you know would want you gone, debt or no debt.

Your children would never recover from it. It would scar them for life. They deserve better than being left with your DH. They need their mom.

Also, fuck it when it comes to feeling shame! You are not the first person to get into this situation and you won't be the last. The Citizens Advice Bureau were very helpful to my sister when she got into HUGE debt. That is a distant memory in her life now, it got sorted.

Big hugs to you. You are worth more than ANY debt.

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:35

I wish. But i cant afford groceries let along start up a new life.thank you to everyone who has replied..it is a comfort to have support x

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Apileofballyhoo · 09/07/2018 01:37

You can't afford groceries right now but you will be able to. Please reach out to people.

holidayplanner · 09/07/2018 01:43

This is so painful to read. I believe you are suffering terribly. But killing yourself is not the answer. Your beautiful boys need you. They need YOU, not insurance money. Please get help. Even the most tangled knots can be untangled. Please, please seek help. Everyones advice is excellent: GP, Samaritans, Citizens Advice. Very good luck. x

bsbabas · 09/07/2018 01:44

Call the Samaritans pls trust me it will help

yearofthewoman · 09/07/2018 01:44

Your children need you more than money.

They need you to provide the most basic thing - simply being here - over anything else.

Killing yourself would scar them in ways they will never, ever recover from. It would damage them so deeply. It's not an option. It certainly won't help.

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:46

They are quite young..i dont even think they would remember me 😢😢😢

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yearofthewoman · 09/07/2018 01:49

You can simply not pay the debt and sort out a payment plan, did you know that? I have £20k debt because my circumstances changed.

Do you know what I did with my £6k credit card debt? I called them up and agreed to pay it all off at £20 a month. When I'm in a better position I'll up the payment, but until then £20 a month is all they're getting amd they were happy to agree that.

(I have had several months missed and a shit credit rating now but I can afford the repayments).

Call Step Change for advice and go on the moneysavingexpert for advice

yearofthewoman · 09/07/2018 01:50

Believe me they would be messed up for life. Especially if tgey have no memories of you. They need you.

yearofthewoman · 09/07/2018 01:52

Now, back to the debt, let's deal with it. What kind of debt is it?
Are you paying any of it at the moment? If so, what are you paying?
If not, how long is it since you paid anything?

yearofthewoman · 09/07/2018 01:54

This is step change

www.stepchange.org

They're a charity to help people in debt. If you tell your debtors you're talking to them (and do actually talk to them!) It can stop them hassling you for a bit.

Frequency · 09/07/2018 01:54

Who are you in debt to? Are the repayments the reason you can't afford groceries?

You need help, OP but what you are facing is not insurmountable. Contact Step Change. They'll help you identify which debts are priority debts and help you freeze interest and lower repayments. They may even be able to get some of the debts wiped.

Then contact CAB to make sure you are receiving everything you are entitled to. Do you or the useless husband work?

If you are in debt to family talk to them. I know they'd rather have you in their life than the money you owe them.

The first people you need to contact are The Samaritans. Now. Tonight.

Flowers
Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:55

Aw everything. Credit cards,personal loans,payday loans. Im up to date witg the major things like mortgage plus personal unsecured debt is massive. Ive been making all payments up u til.about 2 months ago. Interest is killing me and im now im arrears with most.im really struggling.

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