Ive ruined my life

[Herbie88]

To look at me i have the perfect life. Reality is ive been planning my death for some time now. I have accrued massive debt and i cant pay a single thing back. Its all my own fault. I have 2 beautiful sons but i can barely provide for them. My hisband is useless. I done all the night feeds,nappies and baths. I do all the housework and cooking. But if one thing is wrong he goes mad. I cant tell him about the debt cos he will kill me. He has a bad temper and i dont agree with the he disciplines our children. His temper has now caused a rift in my family and him and my brother dont speak and that kills me. I feel i have no way out. If i make my death look accidental my life insurance will pay out and my family would have something that i camt give.

We both work so are entitled to no help either

Please get in touch with one of the debt charities . They can help. They helped us - i was where you are now. In two years time ill be debt free. In the meantime i no longer pay interest and i can afford the repayments - it can get better it really can.

Fuck the intetest. Seriously. If you're in as much financial trouble as you say, there's a way forward.

I'm no longer paying any interest on my credit card as I defaulted (meaning I stopped paying). I now have a set amount to pay off at £20 a month. No more interest.

I'll have a bad credit rating for the next 6 years but that's much better than being dead.

I don't advise you just stop paying and default like I did! But seriously, my finances are more fucked than yours by the sound of it but I have a way forward.

Talking to Step Change helped me take control of it.

Talking to Step Change will make a massive, massive difference in your life.

Lots of people struggle with debt. I did when I was young. I had the typical teenage response of pretending it wasn't happening. Most of the debt was wiped off eventually and I struggled to get phone contracts etc for a few years. Nothing much else happened. Although, if tried to apply for a credit card my computer would probably blow up so I wouldn't recommend it as a way forward. I can now get contract phones and internet etc without having to save to pay 6 months up front.

It's debt, it's not the end of the world. Talk to Step Change, be honest about your financial circumstances, they will deal with your creditors and work out a repayment plan you can actually afford.

Step change will do a budget with you, work out wbat yoy can actually afford and still have money to live, then (if you wamt them to) contact all your creditors in your behalf and say "Herbie is only going to oay this much from now on". Because Step Change is well known and respected, they generally say "OK that's fine".

Once you get to the point you can't pay amd go through to collections departments they're usually really helpful in my experience if they see you want to pay. They don't send the heavies round! They say things like "are you sure you can afford £40 a month? Are you managing to pay your essential bills like utilities? We could make it £20 for now if you like".

I can't believed how long I struggled on trying to pay interest I couldn't afford when there was a solution. I just needed to say "I can't afford this" and take it from there.

It's such a relief to not be paying interest anymore. The debt is still there but it's not growing anymore.

Best thing I ever did was say I can't cope, I can't do this anymore. I contacted a debt charity who were amazing, once I was involved with them interest got frozen and all companies agreed to low monthly repayments. They don't just say this is what we want, the charity looks at household income and outgoings. They ensure that bills like mortgage and gas/electricity etc are paid, they make sure you have enough for food and other essentials. Then they work out what's left and from there calculate your monthly repayment. The charity works with the companies so you get a break from them.

Honestly there is a way out. And leaving those boys is not it. Money comes and goes, debt can come to an end, life can slowly improve BUT only if you are still there with them.

As others have said a please talk to your gp tomorrow and a reach out to one of the debt charities. It's a big first step acknowledging the problem and wanting to try to fix.

Remember things are replaceable but a mummy isn't.
Good Luck OP, you can do this.

Im scared because i ptobably cant afford to repay anything. Ive been using credit to pay off credit and i just cant afford a thing. And bankruptcy isnt an option for me. I just cant see a way out from this i really cant 😢😢😢

CAP helped me out of a similar situation, when I thought there was absolutely no way out. They are experts and they have more powers to negotiate than we do.

They also helped bringing a massive bag of food over and would have set me up with food banks if we’d have needed it until they could start making a practical difference.

Your children love you so so much, and if you could live without this hanging over your head, you might find life has quite a few reasons for joy and laughter... x

A plan with Step Chamge is not bankrupcy.

If all you can afford is £30 a month then they'll start with that.

And if you can't afford £30 a month they'll haveva solution for that too.

If you're both working you can afford to pay something, it just feels like you can't because of the interest/late payment charges and amount of debt. Step Change can help freeze in the interest and in the worst cases, wipe some of the debt. The companies you owe would rather have something than nothing so will work with Step Change to give you affordable repayments.

There are so many options asides from bankruptcy, Step Change or CAB or both if you prefer, will talk through them with you and help you decide which option is most suitable for you. I'd definitely speak to CAB. If you have two kids and aren't entitled to any help you either aren't getting help you are entitled to or have a fairly decent income and need help budgeting or you are being financially abused. Either way, there is a way out.

Is part of the problem here that you're scared of your DH? Do you need to talk to someone about that too?

Would you like to talk to us about him?

He doesnt know.about the debt and id like to keep it that way. Hed go.mental which is umderstandable

It's not understandable, Herbie, it's really not. People are not supposed to be scared of their spouses.

But I think your first step needs to be to contact Step Change and CAB. They honestly won't tell your husband or force you to. The Data Protection Act prevents it. Once you're feeling stronger and more in control, contact Women's Aid.

Can I ask, are you in debt because you've been borrowing to pay for basics because your useless husband won't?

If that is the case, leaving him will help and Women's Aid will help you do it. Once you're free of him, you can claim help and Step Change/CAB will help you deal with the debts.

No i have to say he pays his way in that he repays a credit union loan and saves for us etc bt i pay most groceries etc and while i was on matermity i struggled Nd didnt budget so ended up taking credit and so on

Well yes if i had debt my dp didnt know about i daresay he would "go mental" when i told him but that would mean a bit of panuc and wtf do we do now and why the hell didnt you tell me conversations not anything that i would be afraid of. It is not normal to be afraid of your partner - that isnt your fault.

Please dont become another statistic. There us help out there and you have a future with your children.

Seek help - your gp is your first port of call. Then look at contacting the debt charities - it changed our lives.

Herbie88, you may not be able to see it this way at the moment - but the debt is not your biggest problem. It sounds like you have depression, and it is potentially life threatening. If you are making plans to end your life, go to a+e and tell them, really.
I have felt depressed and suicidal in the past. I honestly believed my children would be better off without me, but that wasn't true. Once I got treated for depression I changed my mind. You can recover from this, I promise. Really, don't think about the debt until you have addressed your mental health.
We are all here for you. Please check in regularly.

I'm another saying contact Stepchange. I was heavily in debt to several credit card co's plus an overdraft with a bank. They took me through my incomings and outgoings, identified essential costs and advised me to contact all the companies and offer £1 per month each.
All of them accepted this without a murmer except the bank but after a couole of phone calls they accepted it was that or nothing.
EON have a charity scheme that wipes off any arrears, I don't know if any other utilities offer this.
My mortgage company agreed £50 pcm and reviewed it every 6 months to see if my circumstances had changed.
Bottom line is taking that first step and talking to people, I was terrified of opening letters, I'd burst into tears talking on the phone too!
Good luck Herbie, hope you find a way through this x

Herbie88, you may not be able to see it this way at the moment - but the debt is not your biggest problem. It sounds like you have depression, and it is potentially life threatening. If you are making plans to end your life, go to a+e and tell them, really.

This is really important.

Herbie, nothing you've told us about your debt is unsurmountable. You don't need to carry on paying the interest if you can't afford it. If you have someone like Step Change on your side, it really is as simple as that.

But the more important thing is why your brain is telling you that suicide is the answer.

The stuff you're saying, that people would be better of without you, is not only not true it's also classic suicidal thinking, caused by depression.

Please, please seek help. Your children need you alive, more than you can understand right now, but please trust us on this.

Please, reach out to your GP or go to A&E. You urgently need to find people who can help with this. And there is help available. You don't need to feel like this, things can get better I promise.

You say you're paying the groceries, but you seem to be responsible for the mortgage and bills as well.

What's he paying?

I.pay more towards the mortgages than he does but then he pays a massive amount back in a loan repayment. But he is on better money than me