Ive ruined my life

[Herbie88]

To look at me i have the perfect life. Reality is ive been planning my death for some time now. I have accrued massive debt and i cant pay a single thing back. Its all my own fault. I have 2 beautiful sons but i can barely provide for them. My hisband is useless. I done all the night feeds,nappies and baths. I do all the housework and cooking. But if one thing is wrong he goes mad. I cant tell him about the debt cos he will kill me. He has a bad temper and i dont agree with the he disciplines our children. His temper has now caused a rift in my family and him and my brother dont speak and that kills me. I feel i have no way out. If i make my death look accidental my life insurance will pay out and my family would have something that i camt give.

I have debt and I'm not suicidal (although my counsellor does think I may have depression). Depression is a real thing. The way you're reacting to the situation is classic depression.

But, equally, depression can be made worse by a situation. Doesn't mean you don't have it.

I'm so impressed with you for starting filling out the forms. Well done!

Seriously contemplating suicide as a solution to a problem that is surmountable is extreme. To genuinely think your children would be better without you. To me it seems that you have some of the classic thinking distortions associated with depression. Depression can be triggered by stress don't forget. I work for a crisis team. Please get help in some way, shape or form . You need and deserve help to tackle this. X

You're not weak and cowardly. You're ovewhelmed. And you've been shouldering this huge stress on your own. I wish I could give you a massive, unmumsnetty (((((hug))))) and a nice cup of hot chocolate to comfort you (if you like that kind of thing!)

There is a way out of this that doesn't hurt anyone. You're making positive steps. Speaking to someone about the depression would be a really good step too.

Can you self refer in your area? In my area, you can self refer to mental health services. I went to the GP, but they pointed me to a website, I called them and got an appointment with a counsellor. The process took a while, I had to have a long phone interview and wait a few weeks, but it worked, I have counselling now.

It was easy to talk to them as their whole job is about anxiety and depression.

Could you maybe google something like "mental health self referral" or something like that, and your area and see if anything comes up?

Although, come to think of it you probably need more urgent help than waiting weeks.

Maybe google "crisis team" and your area, that'd be better.

Jesus christ 😢😢 im due an installmenf payment tomorrow which i had contacted the creditor about but the arrangement has not been formally set up.so now that momey will leave my account tomorrow literally leaving me with nothing. Not one penny because i will be overdrawn on my already maxed overdraft. This is getting too much to.handle rn

Herbie are you worried about your credit rating? If not, then transfer the money out of your account immediately, let it bounce then call them in the morning and ask to speak to their department that deals with debt.

Say you don't have the money, and you are struggling to pay essential bills. Especially if you have an arrangement with them, they'll try to help.

If you can't transfer the money out in time, then don't panic, it's not the end of the world, there will be ways to get through. We'll help you work it out.

In general, you need to stop so much money going out of your account, so you can easily afford the basics, and this is totally within your power.

I will transfer it out now. Hopefully my arrangement has been set up

Take action to stop the debtors knocking on yr door. Come on OP you can do this. Think strong. You have all thid support on here.

Thank you all for everyones support. I know my feelings are high and low but you have gave me some positivity

I'm so pleased to hear it! You really are doing so well. You're taking positive steps and you're going int he right direction. You're just starting to move on from this period, into a better time, slowly but surely.

If you do speak to debtors, use the phrase "struggling to pay essential bills" if this is true (and it sounds like it is) as this is what they want to know about. I suspect this must be part of the regulation or a best practice agreement or something, as they all want to know it, and it makes them take you a bit more seriously about inability to pay.

Thank u for your help and kind words

Just caught up on the thread, Herbie. Others have given you great advice here. Just wanted to say you're doing brilliantly.

You can get through this.

Herbie, I've got a tip for you. Please feel free to ignore if this feels too much hassle or if you're not interested for any reason at all.

I got my gas & electric bull today and thought of you! I hardly pay any gas or electricity any more as I'm in credit, and have been for months, as I'm with Bulb.

They're a newish company and they do 100% green electricity. They run a promotion where, if you refer a friend, they get £50 free credit and you get £50 free credit also. I've referred a few friends, enough so I've had more credit coming in that energy we've used.

This is my referral link.

They're also cheaper than al the main energy companies You can compare their rates to your current supplier here.

It's been a great way to pretty much get rid of a bill in a positive way!

One thing to bear in mind, though, is that if you do switch and you're in debt with the old account, then they'll take that out all at once. I forgot that £20 of my monthly gas bill was going towards paying a debt, and British Gas took the whole debt all at once when I left, which was a nasty surprise!

They'll pay any exit fees (if you have to pay to leave your supplier) up to £60 each supplier (gas & electric).

Also, another thing to bear in mind is that I'll get your first name if you do sign up using my referral link. MN is anonymous, of course, and if you don't want to share your first name with me then best not to use my referral link!

Its just a thought, please don't feel you have to! But it's helped me so I thought I'd share.

Thank.you for the tip c

You're welcome :)

What have you got on this week? Would it help to talk about any of it?

I went to see my DD's school show this morning. I'm such a terrible emotional wreck these days, I can't help welling up just because she's standing on a stage. What's that all about?!! I was never like this before having kids!

Im off until friday bt im just lying about no energy to do anything. Its not fair on my wee boys

I had a very unproductive day also. I was meant to be working but I find it really hard to concentrate when I'm tired, do you get that?

You're a good mum, do you know that? You care that your boys aren't getting as much attention as you'd like to give them.

You're not well. You have depression. Tbat doesn't make you a bad mum, that makes you unwell.

If you were stuck on the sofa because of a broken leg, you wouldn't think you were a bad mum, would you? You'd be a good mum who was temporarily limited by circumstance. And that's what you are now, also.

Have you had a think about contacting anyone about the depression?

You don't even have to believe you have it! Why not take this thread, and let your GP read it, and ask them what they think?

I dont want to hasdle anybody..nor reveal to anyone i jnowmy feeling and how low i am. I spoke to one of my creditors today and they wer really good. Gave me a bit of hope if nothing else

Glad you have some hope, hope is great. You wouldn't be hassling anyone. Imagine if it was one of your close family/friends... Would you think that of them or would you listen and help if you could? I must be your polar opposite- I've been vv low this year and have told acquaintances I'm not doing great if they ask me! Feels better just to say it. V un-mn of me I know!

No i actually really admire you. I guess im afraid to talk because it will hit how much ive messed up and how truly unhappy i have been for a while. I dont see my friends because its a gassle because i cant just leave without leaving my husband lists of what the boys need. To me i feel i shouldnt have to do that but he has made.no effort to learn. I also get the what time will u be home at stuff or the guilt trip that he never gets to see his friends. As rhe saying goes ive made mg bed so i may lie in it

Well you've shown there what a big part in this your husband plays. I think a lot of women leave costs- could you do one that covers most eventualities and leave it on the fridge? Organise time off for you both so you and he can head out separately? I'd text my friend tbh and let them know how I felt. I'd do anything for even an acquaintance if they got in touch to tell me this. For me saying it means someone's heard, it takes from the loneliness and someone might think of you, look out for you afterwards or say 'Ive felt like that too, it's ok, lots of people do and they get through it and so will you.'

You need your husband to take your feelings on board as it sounds like the situation with him is not helping .

• lists not costs!

Follow Matt Haig on twitter if you're on it, he's good. And apparently his book, Reasons to live, is excellent.

Hes away every weekend to sports.games..sometimes all day from morning until late at night and i stay at home.amd watch the kids.and.do the housework. I just feel like my life has lost its way and ive lost my way in life and purpose. Every single person i meet i think if i was gone they wouldnt even notice