Ive ruined my life

[Herbie88]

To look at me i have the perfect life. Reality is ive been planning my death for some time now. I have accrued massive debt and i cant pay a single thing back. Its all my own fault. I have 2 beautiful sons but i can barely provide for them. My hisband is useless. I done all the night feeds,nappies and baths. I do all the housework and cooking. But if one thing is wrong he goes mad. I cant tell him about the debt cos he will kill me. He has a bad temper and i dont agree with the he disciplines our children. His temper has now caused a rift in my family and him and my brother dont speak and that kills me. I feel i have no way out. If i make my death look accidental my life insurance will pay out and my family would have something that i camt give.

🌼 for you. You sound terribly stressed and understandably so.
First things first ring step change. They will give you a ref number and talk you through the steps to freezing the debts or at least give you a break from paying them off. Send the reference number to all the credit companies. Step change will talk you through the options. You say bankruptcy isn't an option but there's an IVA or debt relief order depending on how much you owe.
I've been where you are now and it's scary but you have options and your children loosing you isn't one of them.
You can do this, one day you will look back and it will be a distant memory but for now just take one day at a time.
If your dh is abusing you or your children you really need to seek help. Contact woman's aid like pp have suggested.

It sounds as though the debt has arisen due to financial abuse. The debt is not just created by your actions.

You need to leave. Your family would oreder a you putting your life back together than no you.

Good luck OP. Look ahead to your happy futire with your dc not the past.

It sounds as though the debt has arisen due to financial abuse. The debt is not just created by your actions.

This might be true but we just don't have enough info.

Herbie, you are quite obviously struggling with depression as well as the strain of debt.

Your DH might be the problem - or he might not. We simply don't know with the info you've given us so far.

It's something for you to consider, certainly. But I'd advise caution - it always amazes me how quick people are to leap in with LTB (leave the bastard) on so little info.

I understand OhTheRoses's concerns. But her certainly that you should leave is misplaced at this point, in my opinion.

Herbie do you feel your DH is controlling? In life in general, or with money?

No but he is so stubborn..he will never back down in an argument. He would go to football regularly and if i was 10 minutes late from the shop he would be ringing me as to why. If i plan to go.anywhere i have to leave everything sitting ready so i just dont bother making plans anymore. He is clueless whrn it comes to wjat what foods or medicines to give...doesnt know how to.use the washing machine, would never do the housework unless i pestered him. Im just very resentful

Right I'm going to take another approach.
If you want to die, plan it. Because if you do it impulsively, first you won't get any life insurance, so the kids will still be poor, but second, there is a risk they'd find you. It could ANGER your partner, because you aren't around to physically deal with them, so he would start to abuse them instead of you.
Because/if he's on the birth certificate, he would get custody, no questions. So if you want different, you need to see a solicitor about that, and ensure that they're safe.
Your debt won't die with you. It will be left, and your children will miss out and suffer because you didn't take responsibility for it. Debt is manageable. Christians against Poverty are amazing, you don't need to be religious.
You need to sort out a will. This isn't just about money, but any equity in the house, needs to be given to your children not him. That, and custody, needs a solicitor.
You can't fake an accidental death, there is a log of it on here. They'd find it if they looked hard enough. Then they'd demand any money back so your kids could lose their house.
By doing it impulsively, you can't control how you die. So you could suffer a long death by not planning it, and your kids could find you or hear second hand stories from distressed family about how awful your death was. So you need to look into that.
What I am trying to say is, there is no good way to die. Death isn't going to sort anything for you, except for you to leave your debts behind. Are they really worth the same to you as your children, as you'd have to leave them behind as well. Of course they aren't.
By planning death, you are making one thing right at a time, and you are protecting your kids. By the end of those plans, hopefully, you will be in a better place and better able to survive. You can always choose to die. It doesn't have to be now. Now would be the worst time because it would be awful for the kids to be left with a bad man.
I have been where you are. It does change. Please get to the GP and start on some antidepressants, and if you already are, get the dose changed and some counselling.xxx

Hi Herbie88,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but it's a good idea to seek professional help and support as well.

We also have a webpage called How to get help with debt - it has links to the Step Change organisation and National Debtline, both of which can give you free, confidential advice on coping with debt.

We really hope the above links are useful and that things start looking less bleak for you soon.

What you describe seems textbook abusive and controlling behavior to me but you can deal with all of that once you're feeling better about the immediate future.

Have you rang Step Change and your GP yet?

Thinking of you, OP. x

I have contacted my creditors. Im just so worried

Well done. That is the first step - i know how difficult that must have been for you. One day at a time...youll get tgere xx

Please, please remember that your boys need you. The debt seems overwhelming but you can fix that with time and your beautiful boys would never get over losing their Mum. It is a great step to contact your creditors, well done you. Hang in there and please talk to someone in real life. You said friends and family would be ashamed but they won't they will just want to help and support you. Stay strong for your boys, they need their Mum x

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=594169694283892&id=177523259281873. I am not sure if you can this. Saw it today and thought it was powerful- fight for your life.

Please contact Christians Against Poverty.
www.capuk.org

You don't have to be a Christian, they won't try to 'convert' you, they won't judge you. They will just help.

Or StepChange.

Your boys need you in their life. You are irreplaceable to them. You deserve a happy life with them.

Im so asgamed and i feel like such a fraud,so mamy people would.love the life i have and i just want to.end mine.

Don't be ashamed. You're so brave to reach out, think of what you've survived and give yourself a clap on the back and be kind to yourself. You sound like you've done all the labour of parenting and you're taking the first step now to ensure your children will have the mum they need in their lives. Could you read that fb link?

I cudnt xx

Herbie88 well done, I'm so impressed! I didn't contact mine till I was months overdue with payments.

You're doing really well, even if you can't see it!

Herbie88 you have depression. It's messing with your perception of reality. Please, please seek help xx

This is a picture of my daughter the night before her Dad took his own life. 4-years old and her first night of ballet class. Full of joy. Full of innocence. The worst thing that had ever happened to her was dropping her ice cream cone at the county fair.

The next day her Dad waved goodbye to her as we drove off to our play date and then he got in his car and went and shot himself on my Grandpa's land.

I had to sit on her little bed with her and her fuzzy stuffed animals and baby dolls and I had to tell my 4-year old that her Dad had died. She stared at me and then said, "Mama? What does die mean?" It took days, weeks for her to fully understand.......even after she seen him in his coffin.....that he was not ever coming home and that's what die means.

If you are having suicidal thoughts and you have children? Your children will not be better off without you. Your kids need you. Your death will take away some of their innocence. They will have nightmares. They will wake up sweating and screaming. Look at their photo and figure out a way to keep yourself alive on this earth. Don't drop a load of pain, guilt, abandonment, trauma, and grief on their shoulders. They are so little. They need you. Stay. If for nothing else.......if for no one else......stay for them. Find your fight and get yourself the help you deserve so that you can care for your children.

This girl knows things other kids don't know.

She knows how her Dad died. I told her the truth....not the gory and scary details.....but just the plain and simple truth that he hurt himself so that he would die. She knows what suicide is and openly says the word when most adults shy away from it.

She also knows that he was a very loving, kind, and good person who made a very wrong choice.

She knows that he was human, that he was sick, and that he was terrified and she has deep compassion for him because she too knows what it's like to be scared.

She knows that he loved her to the moon and back a billion times and he still does.

Telling her the truth opened up conversations about mental health, love, emotions, strength, grief, God, spirituality, and more. She doesn’t judge him or blame him.....only loves him.

She forgives her Dad.

She knows that he didn't leave because he didn't love her but because he had no fight left in him to stay.

She misses him.......we all do.....every day. It’s a soul deep missing when a child loses a parent.

She barely remembers him.

She still loves him.......very, very much.

She will grow up not knowing what it's like to have her very own Dad to protect her, laugh with her, care for her, and love her.

If she grows up someday, gets married, and has children of her own? That will be the first time since she was 4 that she sees first hand in her own home what a Dad does.

I look at this photo and my heart hurts so much for this little girl.

This girl is now 7 and she is happy again. She is joyful, smart, kind-hearted, loving, adventerous, compassionate, and the bravest girl I have ever met in my entire life.

So, you. The guy who is thinking of taking his life. The guy who is sitting at the dinner table right now with his kids and wife eating tacos and you're smiling and you're laughing but in your mind you are planning your own death for the next day?

I'm asking you to stay.

I'm asking you to tell your wife your plans.

I'm asking you to close your eyes and remember being a little kid. Remember how much you loved and needed both of your parents.

Fight for your life.

You belong here on earth.

You are worthy and so, so loved.

Your family needs you.

You belong here on a Tuesday night eating tacos with your kids and your wife laughing at inside jokes only a family understands.

You deserve to watch your children grow up.

You deserve their hugs and kisses and giggles.

They need you.

Maybe pleading with you to stay on this earth won't work. Maybe it's not enough.....maybe you'll still go. I don't know if spreading this love and pleading will work because I never got that chance to do that with my husband. But maybe it will help you. Maybe it will help just one of you and that's why my children and I share our story.

So, you. Please stay.

Yes, they will survive and move forward in their lives if you leave but they won't be better off without you.

They will forever be missing a piece of themselves....a piece of their heart.

Love and strength, Nik❤️❤️❤️

🌻Share this post to spread the awareness. Thank you.🌻
www.niktebbe.com

Herbie what amazing advice you’ve had and you’re also amazing because you’ve made the first steps for change, well done. I’m sure these companies have to have a complete change once you say ‘I can’t afford this’, I think it’s now law for them to work with you to see what you can afford. I’d really make this a realistic amount, don’t try and overpay what you can afford, just put a tiny bit towards each card/loan.
And please, your children will never be better off without you, you are their mum, the only one they will ever have, they love you and you love them.

But i cant afford.dauly living

And what did ur creditors do?im in a mountain of debt. Its shameful

But it you weren’t paying cc and loans could you then afford daily living? I’d go and get good advice from women’s aid too. Could you approach your husband and suggest changing the loan so he could spread this over several more years so that his payment is drastically reduced and he can give you more money for all the outgoings? I find the daily spend for food etc is so high, things like new clothes can wait. But get advice if this is not something you feel comfortable doing, you need some good advice asap

I still couldnt. Ive been hiding under a roxk and so sgupid with money for years and now its caught up with me. I deserve punishment for being so stupid