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Original poster

Ive ruined my life

173 replies

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 00:55

To look at me i have the perfect life. Reality is ive been planning my death for some time now. I have accrued massive debt and i cant pay a single thing back. Its all my own fault. I have 2 beautiful sons but i can barely provide for them. My hisband is useless. I done all the night feeds,nappies and baths. I do all the housework and cooking. But if one thing is wrong he goes mad. I cant tell him about the debt cos he will kill me. He has a bad temper and i dont agree with the he disciplines our children. His temper has now caused a rift in my family and him and my brother dont speak and that kills me. I feel i have no way out. If i make my death look accidental my life insurance will pay out and my family would have something that i camt give.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 12/07/2018 00:07

Ok well forget his when will you be backs and when will he get time so. You know he has excessive time so you need to carve out your own appointed time, even for a solo walk or a coffee with a friend. You have zero self care and that can happen when you're st home with kids. I feel the same, don't know who I am anymore and my whole life has centred around them. Not good for our mental health!!

mikado1 · 12/07/2018 00:10

They really would notice of course they would, and your DC would be heart broken but it sounds like you're gauging your self worth on others' views of you, rather than having your own worth separate to their perception of you. Again I can do that but am becoming aware of it. For me I have started exercising and that helps. I'm going back to work after 3y at home and I think that will help greatly.

slowsloegin · 15/07/2018 09:42

Herbie, how are you? Is your DH away this weekend again?

slowsloegin · 15/07/2018 09:48

Something occurred to me.

You have a lot on your plate. Your DH is leaving all the childcare to you, and not nourishing you in any way. He's not treating you like a person with needs. Your needs are being neglected by both him and you, and at the same time the children need you.

My friend who was suicidal, was at her worst at a time when she was doing a lot of caring for others and had totally lost her sense of self. She honestly believed that everyone would be better off without her, when from the outside it was obvious that the reality was that the people she was caring for needed her very much. But at the same time, she was getting no chance to rest and recharge or do anything for herself.

Her suicidal thinking was her depression talking, and thankfully she got help and those days are long in the past now. Part of her recovery, incidentally, was getting divorced! FWIW, her DH wasn't a bad man, but their relationship didn't suit her at all.

I wonder if it's the pressure of the way you're living that's leading you to this kind of thinking. Does that make any sense?

Would you consider talking to the Samaritans maybe? It's anonymous.

Original poster
Herbie88 · 15/07/2018 10:38

I spoke to them and bawled. I cudnt stop crying. I had a few.good days there,i put debt to the back of my mind bt its slowly creeping up again and i can feel.those feelings coming back

OP posts:
slowsloegin · 15/07/2018 15:15

That's great to hear you had some more positive days. It's got to be at least in part because of all the positive steps you've been taking.

Well done for speaking to the Samaritans! I hope letting some of that emotion out helped?

So, if the debt worry is coming back, what can you do to stop it? Are there some debts you're more worried about than others? You could try speaking to those ones first maybe. Or are there some that are imminent? You've done so well so speak to some of them already. just phone them up and be honest - you can't pay.

Or get your step change budget done (I assume that's what you were filling out as that's what I had to do?) and see if they can help you through this.

I know it's hard, but you can do it.

(I'm yearof btw, I name changed! But thought it only fair to say I'm the same person!)

Original poster
Herbie88 · 15/07/2018 15:48

Your so.kind to think of me. The overwhelming feeling in my head is that eventually i will do it. I just seem to try and focus on one thing to prolong it..such as holiday with the kids etc im so tired,ive got contant blurred vision now too and keep wishing to just be ill all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 22:49

Im struggling. My wee boy broke his leg and its been wonderful being with him. Then bang. Realisation hit. In 2 weeks i will be completely broke. Im lost. I feel utterly hopeless. I love them so much bt i cant carry on

OP posts:
37KAT · 18/07/2018 23:12

Your children need their mother. Get some really good debt advice. Have you tried the citizen advice bureau? I think Martin Lewis website also has links to professional organisations. Once you've got help with this you can address your relationship issues? Have you seen your GP to discuss how you're feeling? They may have good advise or contacts. Stay strong OP

Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 23:15

I just cant. I dont even care about the debt anymore...the lack of money to do or buy anything is insane. Is there anybody at all out there that offer debt consolidation loans for people in my situation?? Please..im desperate

OP posts:
slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:22

No, stop! You don't need a debt consolidation loan!!

You need to stop paying the debt.

How far did you get with Step Change?

Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 23:25

I cant go on like this anymore. Ive messed up and ive no way out 😢

OP posts:
slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:26

Sorry that was badly worded!

You don't need to stop paying the debt completely!

But paying only an affordable amount certainly felt like I'd stopped paying the debt. In reality I'm paying it, slowly, but it's not impacting my life. I don't have to think about it. I can afford to live a normal life.

When I earn more, I'll pay more off it, but until then I can continue paying not very much. Do you know what's also not happening? The interest isn't wracking up any more.

I'm paying less than I did before by a long way, but I'll probably pay my credit card off sooner as I'm no longer paying interest on it.

Dilligaf81 · 18/07/2018 23:31

Of course there's a way out. £1 a creditor is a viable option and one many people take. If I were you I would complete the step change forms, go to the bank and cancel any direct debits for repayments as they'll probably be bouncing incurring fees anyway.
If anyone asks about the cancelled dds tell them you are making repayment plans.

I work with people with mental health issues and depression and the vast majority have huge debt issues. It's a cycle that needs to be broken, and as others have said Christians against poverty and step change are fantastic but you also need to deal with your mental wellbeing.
You husband is selfish, he treats you like a slave and yes you got into the debt but was it on expensive shoes and bags or general living and household items?

See your gp and talk it through, they can refer you for counselling as you really need to talk through your rather low self worth.

There are always options.

slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:32

Herbie88, love, you do have ways out. People have given you several options on this page.

But your depression is telling you there's no way out.

Do you think you could try to speak to someone about it? You spoke to the Samaritans before, that was brilliant.

Have you googled to see what mental health services are in your area?

Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 23:33

Im so sorry to everybody i really am

OP posts:
slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:33

I just came across this, googling. I have no idea what it's like but maybe worth a try?

It's an app for your phone to help you deal with suicidal feelings.

www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/stay_alive_suicide_prevention_mobile_phone_application.html

slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:35

This page tells you lots of places you can get help from, and there's also a yellow button at the top of the page which is if you feel you need urgent help.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/#.W0_AYyMrLog

slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:36

Hey, no need to be sorry, you've not done anything bad to us!

slowsloegin · 18/07/2018 23:37

Your kids need you to be alive. Truest us on this.

Greenyogagirl · 18/07/2018 23:40

Go to citizens advice and either file for bankruptcy, get a debt relief order or do a budgeting sheet to pay back £1 a month.
Ring women’s aid, you shouldn’t be scared of your husband.
Go to the council and request emergency accommodation and get on the housing list due to husband.

Your kids need you. Not money or things. Only you.
I know how hard it is and how it’s easy to put your head in the sand, I’ve been there and I’ve paid about 10k off as I didn’t want to do a dro, I’m still trying to be better with money.
I also suffer from depression and have for years, I have attempted suicide a number of times.
I’m here for you if you need someone Flowers

Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 23:41

😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 18/07/2018 23:43

Deep breaths and make a list, little steps to get you where you need to be.
If you’re worried about money going out cancel all direct debits and ask bank to cancel anything due to go out.
It’s not as bad as it seems I promise you xx

Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 23:45

Oh it is. Im screwed

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 18/07/2018 23:49

In what way?
Worst case scenario you end up in emergency accommodation and file for bankruptcy.
You might hit rock bottom but you can get back up again I promise.
I slept on the streets with a newborn baby after my ex kicked us out, he burned all of our stuff and i had thousands in debt, I couldn’t see a way out but I promise you there is, it might not be easy but take one day at a time and think of how amazing you will feel in a few years being debt free, in a nice home, going on holiday with the kids etc you can get there honest