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Original poster

Ive ruined my life

173 replies

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 00:55

To look at me i have the perfect life. Reality is ive been planning my death for some time now. I have accrued massive debt and i cant pay a single thing back. Its all my own fault. I have 2 beautiful sons but i can barely provide for them. My hisband is useless. I done all the night feeds,nappies and baths. I do all the housework and cooking. But if one thing is wrong he goes mad. I cant tell him about the debt cos he will kill me. He has a bad temper and i dont agree with the he disciplines our children. His temper has now caused a rift in my family and him and my brother dont speak and that kills me. I feel i have no way out. If i make my death look accidental my life insurance will pay out and my family would have something that i camt give.

OP posts:
Quittingthyme · 18/07/2018 23:51

Herbie,

You're not screwed.

You are in a bad place, and you're trying to.deal with it alone.

Please try and contextualise the issue, it sounds flippant, but it is only money. Your children need you and you need them.

As soon as you start to speak more openly about the debt problem you will begin to feel better

You can do this

Xx

Original poster
Herbie88 · 18/07/2018 23:53

I just wish i was on my own. Im so selfish

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 18/07/2018 23:58

You’re not selfish you’re struggling, you just need to take the first steps. Ring the gp and citizens advice first thing in the morning.

AnotherMum76 · 18/07/2018 23:58

Please don't leave your children, they are not ever going to be better off without you no matter what you think right now.
See if you can apply for a debt relief order if bankruptcy is not an option.
As others have said, go to the local council and see if they can help with temp accommodation, you may be able to get some food from a local food bank to see you through.

My husband took his own life a while back and I hate seeing what it has done to my son, no matter if you think they won't notice, they will and they will grow up knowing and maybe even blaming themselves at some point, that is what my son tried to do, he thought his dad took his own life because he was a rubbish son and was naughty at school. Absolutely broke my heart.
Stay strong and get the help you need, there is no shame in taking a wrong path. It's so easy to do and before you know it, it's out of your control ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
Herbie88 · 19/07/2018 00:01

To look at me i have it all nice house husband bt i loe and lie and im too afraid.to.confide and tbh im not into him just going through the motions to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 19/07/2018 00:05

So leave him then and concentrate on yourself for a bit

SleepWarrior · 19/07/2018 00:15

Worst case scenario doesn't need to be suicide.

Just imagine for a moment that you tell your husband and your marriage is over as a result. You declare yourself bankrupt and have to start from scratch. THAT is as bad as this needs to get. In two years from then your life could be steadily building back up from now, and you would feel so glad that you have your wonderful sons and life still.

Aim for that. Anything better that can be worked out along the way is a nice bonus. But honestly that worst case scenario isn't that bad. It's doable.

You can do this Flowers

Motherofpearl19 · 19/07/2018 00:28

Please don't panic, you are so exhausted and it's no wonder you are extremely low as well as very worked up.

You need to speak to someone in your family ASAP, it's extremely important. I know you are feeling mortified and ashamed but you are a human being, and a lovely one at that. Your self esteem is at rock bottom and you are not able to see what a great Mum you are, looking after your boys so well and making sure you have everything ready for them, single handedly. Yes, you got into serious debt and it's hard to come clean, but NO ONE you have borrowed from, not a friend, family member nor a lender would ever be want you to die over admitting you need help.

I wish you were able to see your worth in this world, rather than being so down on yourself. Everyone in this post believes in you - I really hope you can hear this as it's loud and clear. I'll be thinking of you...

Original poster
Herbie88 · 19/07/2018 19:06

I need your help. I am a named.driver on my husbands insurance policy. It is up in a month and we pay upfront for te year. Im worried tho that we wont get insurance because of my dire financial situation. Can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 19/07/2018 19:55

Sweetheart you’ve been offered so much advice why aren’t you taking it? Nobody can wave a magic wand and make your financial troubles or depression go away unfortunately, it’s up to you to take the first step but we’re all here for you when you do

Original poster
Herbie88 · 19/07/2018 20:11

I have..i comtavted creditors etx to reduce payments

OP posts:
Krate · 19/07/2018 20:18

Debt and embarrassment are NOTHING compared to your kids having to lose their mum. Speak to your creditors, tell your husband with a family member or friend present.

LivesToTravel · 19/07/2018 20:29

Go back to mns post a few pages back and use the links. It’s not going to magically go away. It is what it is and you now have two choices. 1. Bury yours head in the sand, don’t get support and the debt continues to build and your health deteriorate due to the stress or 2. You engage in the support available and take active steps to improve your situation. It may take years to clear the debt and it may result in some tough choices, harsh conversations and a lot of hoops to jump through but you will get there. Call citizens advice or step change first thing tomorrow. If not for you then for your children Flowers

Original poster
Herbie88 · 19/07/2018 20:59

Can someone help with thd insurance question?

OP posts:
AnotherMum76 · 19/07/2018 22:08

I can't see what your insurance would have to do with the debt. As far as I'm aware, there is no reason for them to do a credit check if you're paying up front

slowsloegin · 19/07/2018 23:55

Well done for contacting the creditors. Now you need to take the next step and contact one of the debt charities as they can help advise you with this so you don't worry yourself.

I also think the insurance should be fine.

37KAT · 20/07/2018 07:03

As you pay upfront for a year, I can't see how this would impact on your insurance. It's no liability.
If you were paying by monthly direct debit then yes it may impact.
Tick the box that says you'll pay upfront when you search for quotes.

Original poster
Herbie88 · 20/07/2018 21:50

Even contactinf creditors im.struggling badly to meet general living costs. This is so difficult. I lve my wee boys so much

OP posts:
slowsloegin · 20/07/2018 23:40

How much are you agreeing to pay them? If you're struggling to meet general living costs you're probably offering them too much.

I know it's hard! It feels like it's taking the piss to offer something like £20 a month when it's on a huge debt! But if you contact one of the charities, they'll do exactly that (not £20 specifically, but whatever you can afford).

If you'd rather contact them yourself, then how about you do what the charity does? Go through all your essential bills, work out what you need to pay to live - I think you mentioned the Step Change budget so maybe you have a list of what to include but let me know if not.

So, you start by working out what your family needs. Then you see what's left. You target any credit with massive interest (pay day loans perhaps?) or which may cause serious problems (e.g. if you owe tax to the Inland Revenue) and see if you can pay that off first if possible. (I had a bit of cash to do this, not sure what they advise if you don't - possibly best to ask them).

Then all the rest - credit cards, loans etc - they get what's left. If that's £1 each, then so be it. (You may need Step Change or similar to argue this for you - I'd find it hard!) Or it may be you can afford to give them all - say - £30 each. If so then that's all you offer them, no matter what the payment was before - because that's all you have.

slowsloegin · 20/07/2018 23:41

*possibly best to ask them

by them I mean one of the debt charities or Citizen's Advice.

Greenyogagirl · 21/07/2018 01:24

Citizens advice will help you do a budgeting sheet or dro so you’ll have at least 12months paying pennies or paying nothing at all. I know it’s scary but please make an appointment to speak to them

Original poster
Herbie88 · 21/07/2018 14:13

Today i went to my churxh and sat and prayed. Then i went and walked by the graves of ones id known. So many young people. The only thing going through my head was how my grave would be next and as i walked the path i envisioned it being my funeral. Very daunting but its all i could imagine

OP posts:
Motherofpearl19 · 21/07/2018 21:25

@Herbie88 I think you came on here with your troubles because you are reaching out. So, so many people on here have given you sound suggestions for ways that you can help yourself. I really hope you are OK and I really hope you can take up some of these suggestions. Did you go to your GP yet to speak about feeling so low? I understand this may feel uncomfortable but I for one really urge you to do this...you need some looking after and you don't have to be as alone as you are right now

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