I drank almost a full bottle of lactulos due to the fact I've gained weight :(

[Goodheartflyinghigh]

Hello. Thanks for reading.

Yes. I'm serious. No I'm not joking. Yes I understand this was a bad idea. But I am very logical person but I had a moment were I weighed myself. Realised I'd gained 4 lbs. And I started boiling over. I grabbed the bottle poured it into a cup and downed it. This was 2 hours ago. I've had lactulos before but usually the correct amount and didn't start working till next day. In this case I've been sat on the toilet for 30 minutes going like water.

I was just so angry. I have weigh in at my gp tommorow and I've put on 4lbs!!! I'm so upset. And no. I'm not shallow. It's not even about how I look. This is just not going well. I don't abuse laxatives usually. Only done it once before recently maybe three weeks ago. But didn't drink this much. When I was younger I had extreme issues with making myself sick. But don't do that now. I have no idea why I did this with lactulos. Or how I lost that much control to drink that much. Now my tummy is killing me. You wouldn't believe I'm a mother. ( no my kids didn't see me do this they are with there dad) but I'm not a teenager anymore. So I shouldn't even Consider doing this. But I didn't even think.. What is going on.

Biwi -" how come the nurse didn't ask me about it " ask me what about it. I'm there for weight management so obviously she knows I've been trying to lose weight. She said weldone etc etc. She doesn't need explicate detail about what I did. She's not going to assume I didn't do it how I should is she.

Roomba nooo way?! Oh crap the suger in the lactulos I didn't think off. I thought I read somwere lactulos doesn't get obsorb Ed into the body? God sake. You do one thing to solve something and it causes another problem. I am so dumb.

Bluebells the donkey. Thank you for your kind words. To be honest. Be beinf so obese. It feels like thars the only thing they care about. Reducing my BMi so they are not so concerned how it was achieved . When I was smaller if I lost 6 lbs. The gp woukd give me a talk. It's funny how things change. But then this gives me the freedom to carry on in my head. I feel like a kid in a free world. No adult to stop me. No one to to catch me hiding bags of sick under my bed. Like when I was a kid. But your right. Il never accept myself. No matter what size. When I got my smallest I fit in kids cloths. But still thought I was a hippo. But now I am a hippo what the hell do I do. I hate myself so much. I don't diserve food. And then when I eat it. I feel like I've let myself down. My BP was really low when I went to gp last after losing all that weight. And I actually used to have high BP. So it freaked me out. And I stopped doing what I was doing. I wish I wasn't who I am.

Bishop. Sounds silly but I actually didn't think me doing that lactulos thing was my bulimia coming back. I actually thought at the time or around that time. If its stops me from making myself sick. Then it's not coming back. But I realise now. After reading responces that that was wrong.

By challenged I meant you want to be asked about it. You won't voluntarily tell them, you are assuming they remember your history and somehow know, but you want a hcp to tell you that it shouldn't be possible and ask what have you done to achieve it. Then you might engage and ask for help.

Drugs to assist weight loss may well not help you if you have other things going on, and definitely won't if you abuse them. You need to see a specialist and get counselling through this and you attitude to food. You say you were happy, so you ate - were you really happy or was it comfort eating?

Sorry I fell asleep I'm a bit off colour.

I don't think the gp knew you lost the weight in two weeks did she? Had she not seen you for a little bit?

Please mention it. I've got history of disordered eating, more restrictive than purging, and I know how easy the obsession is. You want to be healthy, that's good. But this isn't healthy. And the double alistat is a bad idea. You may need to sleep on a towel tonight. Keep getting fluid into you. No tea or coffee stuck to water if you can.

CamembertQueen

It depends what worked for you before. Good routine? Having access to non triggering food? What helped you before? What triggered you now, you don't have to say but you need to identify it. Was it purely weight gain or are there other stressors? Figuring out your mind will help you gain control.*

This was very helpful. Thank you so much. It's so nice of you. Hmm what worked for me before. In all honesty it took me maybe ten years to recover. It was a long intense process. But I did manage to hide it for a very long time. As I started over weight then. And just like now people comment how good you look. With drastic Wright loss. I saw it as encouragement. And then I would get better then at Christmas I was challenge myself to not eat but cook everyone's meals so I would relapse again. And a cycle would begin. When I got very small by then it was just to late I was to deep in. But with help from doctors and my mum things got better. It started when I was 13 and I was away from home and I was free. I would say I stopped completly for a long time and returned to normal life had kids etc etc. And have minor relapses. But very short ones. Happiness helped me I suppose.

What triggered it this time. ? I want to be honest with you. Though I say I'm not depressed. I am under alot of pressure. I feel miserable at times. Alot has happened recently. And then I start to think how I used to " this wouldn't happen if you were not who you are" I start to punish myself. I just stop eating. Because I am so greedy. All I do was eat. So I take that away from myself. And then when I give it to temptation I hate myself. I hate myself so much. And I find comfort in old habits.

Liz. I don't know if I was really happy. I don't know if I am really happy. When I'm happy. I'm obsessive. I don't eat in moderation. I either. Over eat can't stop eating. Or I restrict. I was told when I was 15 my obsessive nature towards food and a driving force behind my disordered eating was to do with my Ocd as well as other obvious factors due to my situation at the time. I don't know how to do things in moderation. Despite me trying I just obsess. And am on either one scale or another. I have had counseling I was in CAMS or whatever it's called for a couple years. Then did one lot of counseling as an adult. I don't feel I need counseling. I feel I need to take responsibility for this. Or il never be able to fix this.

Rj. Oh gosh I will need to sleep on a towel. This is a nightmare lol. And your right they see a million people can't expect them to remember everything. And are you okay? You arnt feeling well? X

I am fine thanks just feel a little throaty I think I'm arguing with a virus.

I'd do the towel as I think you may leak a bit, sorry I know it's horrid.

Are you still stuck on the loo just now?

I'm exhausted now. And so cold. And stomach ache. I have reached a point were I'm starting to regret my actions. Or regret the reaction of my action. But il still way myself in the morning.

Rj. I'm sorry I hope you feel better. Have you taken paracetamol. Every 5 hours or so. So you don't feel rotten and maybe try some lemon and honey in water.

And I think you are right. I got back in bed then has to rush back. So I'm sat here again. Just as I'm about to be done it starts again. But I've got back in bed twice since the start of this post. I'm so cold my skin is prickly. I'm such an idiot. I know for a fact this isn't about actual weightloss. Even though it's about how I look. But even though when the scale goes up my failure level goes up. Hard to explain my crazy mind.

You are sounding obsessed with your weight and have all sorts of unhealthy emotions attached to eating.
I think you need to accept your size at the moment and work on getting yourself healthy. Once you stop thinking "I'm on a diet" and start aiming to be healthier for life, your weight would come off very gradually.

You need to break your binge/purge cycle. Taking laxatives is akin to self harm. Most of the weight lost will be water not fat so it's not a solution. Your body will become tolerant to the laxatives and they could stop your bowel working properly. In short, you will make yourself very ill.

I would advise you to throw away your scales.

What makes this even stranger. Is when you don't know your crazy. Things make sence. But I know im abit of side. Yet things still make sence. Even though I know it doesn't make sence to others. I know if I was normal. I wouldn't have been able to let myself suffer in thst torture I did for almost three weeks to lose that weight I did but I was so desperate. And because I hate myself so much it didn't matter. No one who loves themselves would put themselves through so much torture. But then at the same time. I was happy with the results .. Though my health is still not right after. I am so sad about this

Thank you I lost it. I wish I could do this gradual thing. I'm really scared right now about gaining. Like really scared. I could cry.

Lost I don't weigh at home for that reason. I promised I'd never get obsessed etc etc. So now I go a family members house to weigh myself. I really tried to never return to old habits.

You are most definitely not an idiot.

Thank you I'm going to take a cocodamol shortly so I get a good sleep.

No point beating yourself up now, it's done, try to learn from it. I really don't think you should have scales or any type of laxative in the house, or diet pills.

Try to be brave and get really honest with your doctor about what is going on. It might help to write down beforehand what you want to say.

I hope you're ok. Drink as much water as you can and try dry toast in the morning if you can.

You need to be really honest with your GP, I think you need more support than what you are getting
Be honest with them please

Rj sweetdreams. Let me know how you are tommorow if thats okay?

Please tell your GP about your relapse back to using laxatives. It's much more important than whatever you happen to weigh tomorrow. If you can tell them honestly what's been happening, they will know how best to help you.

Thank you Ilostit I won't be eating bread tommorow... Incase I end up still going to get weighed. Your right. Laxatives really wasn't something I thought was an issues till recently it's like my eating issues has turned into something else. I'm scared really. This weight gain it feels like it's telling me I shouldn't eat. Because I can tell you how can I put 4 lbs on when I only ate two out of 6 days. And I didn't binge once. Only had salad I think erm mm il think. Alot of watermelon I admit. I did have toast one time. Ugh. Yesterday. I had mango bite of salmon. 26 calorie cracker this piece of be good to you ham. Creame cheese but the light one. Olives. That's it. I admit I had alot of watermelon that first day.

What will my gp actually do do you know?

I feel like I'm fighting with myself. Like I know alot od water is coming out of me. I just downed some water. My mind is telling me not to or that this will all be for nothing. And that I can drink after weigh in tommorow. Wtf am I thinking. I'm not this dumb. How can I even think this. I know I haven't got two brains. But this isn't my brain. I'd never be so stupid.