Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?

Morning willow glad you've got good support from the crisis team. When I was with the Home Treatment Team last year they mainly sent the same two people, except when things were bad and they had to come twice a day.
We get on fine with the new neighbours, they don't know (yet) how irritated I am with them. It may just be my state of mind at the moment - I'm usually quite laid back about these things.
Dh has told my friend he can't go to the hospital as he wants to be here with me and the kids today. I feel so guilty though - this time last year, I wouldn't have hesitated to go but now, I just can't.
I don't have any plans today, Dh is dropping the little one at a his little friend's house and going doing the supermarket run. I seem to have developed a real fear of leaving the house. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow when I have to go to the crisis team appointment. I'm not sure I can go out in public. When Dh brought the caravan back yesterday, he asked me to check it over before he took it back to storage and I was so uncomfortable just being at the bottom of our drive.
I might have a look through some photos today and see if I can sort through them to be printed. It's a start.

It's dsd's 21st birthday this week and I've just had to tell her mum that I don't think I can go. I feel so guilty about it but I just can't. Her mum has texted me back and been lovely about it but I feel like I'm letting Dh and dsd down

You aren't letting people people down. Mental illness is the only illness where we beat ourselves up for not being 'well' - people do understand.
What plans have you got today?

Promethazine is giving me a terrible hangover but I think I have nearly caught up with the sleep deprivation so hoping to knock it on the head today. I haven't had intrusive thoughts for fours days - I honestly was where you are two weeks ago and two weeks before that I was getting in my car to find access to a train line. Hang in there x

Thanks, her mum was really understanding and I know dsd will be too but I just feel rubbish about it. We're giving her money for her birthday but want to get something she can keep too. Her mum said she's told her about a Pandora necklace she likes so I've been looking at those and maybe a charm each from us and the dc. I'd love to go to the shop and pick it out but not sure I can.
dancing I'm so glad you're feeling better, I really hope the same follows for me, I just can't see it at the moment though
I'm in bed at the moment and to be honest, I don't have any plans to move from here. Dh won't be happy but I just want quiet.

Hello folks - not too bad today which is a good thing as we are right out of cat food and DP is out with the Ramblers. So I have an exciting trip to Aldi this afternoon. Glad you got some sleep Ikea but ditching the vodka is a good idea for now. Hope you manage the crisis team meeting tomorrow - it is tomorrow isn't it. My memory is crap from one page on here to the next. Are you meant to be back at work tomorrow - you're a teacher aren't you, but you are in no state to be working when your not able to leave the house. Are you up yet - I didn't get up till 1.00 - it's weird I force myself up and have a shower and get dressed and then I have a long crying bout - happens every day, and if I'm lucky I pick up in the afternoon - so need another hour on the sofa till I manage Aldi.

It was lovely to hear you have a lovely MIL because there are so many horrid posts about MILs on here and I often wade in and then all the DILs pile in and call me all sorts of things! I'm a MIL and I'm lucky to have nice dils, but then I'm a nice mil!!

Re the 21st birthday party - dear god you can't do that in your present state and dancing you are so right that mental illness is the only illness that we beat ourselves up about, but I'm not so sure people understand. I used to have a wide circle of friends but since being mentally ill (6 years ago) of and on, a lot of them have faded away - but then I can't make plans because I never know how I'll be from one day to the next. I have 2 good women friends so that's something. Oh NO - getting in your car to find a train line - what stopped you. It's not a good plan because it traumatises the train driver - well it's not a good plan but I know what you mean and I have visited my chosen spot several times.

I watch a programme last night about people who had lost loved ones to suicide - it was incredibly moving. Might still be able to get it on catch up.

Glad you're feeling ok Willow and going out for coffee with the crisis team--WOW!!! Never heard of such a thing - will tell my CPN and she might do the same!

Hi Nana, glad you're having a better day. Yes, my meeting is tomorrow. I'm still in bed. Can't seem to make myself get up. I need to at least try I think.

I know that feeling SO well - not wanting to get up. Somehow the pain doesn't feel so bad when you're under the duvet.

I'm just lying here, crying, feeling better for being in bed but worse for being in bed because I feel so guilty. I've slept on and off all day and the crazy dreams have started again. I heard someone playing guitar in my ensuite and then someone discussing how they would refurbish it! They're always so realistic and always happen in the setting where I am, if that makes sense, so they feel even more real. It makes my anxiety sky rocket.
Dh has sorted all the uniforms, he's cooking a roast dinner (which I'm not sure I can face) and he said he's going to bath the Dc soon. I feel a horrible, crushing guilt at the centre of my heart but I just can't face anything. I really don't know what I'd do without him. He does so much for all of us and I can't even drag myself out of bed just to make him feel a bit better. I wouldn't even have to do anything. I know just by me being up he wouldn't be as anxious about how things are. I feel extremely selfish.

Willow I honestly don't know how I didn't. I took to my bed and stayed there too scared to move in case I acted on the thoughts. Then I rang for help. I didn't get it, in fact it's taken weeks to get my care 'right' but the intrusive thoughts are less. Ikea I couldn't imagine feeling 'better' either but now I can't imagine feeling like I did or in fact better than I do now... I don't know if it the depression that does it or what... It's just hard.

Did you manage to eat?

I did manage to eat, I get like I was choking it down but I knew Dh would be even more worries if I didn't. I also manages to bath the little one and just been sat with Dh folding clean clothes. At least I've done something today

Just read that back and it hardly makes sense! Sorry, I'm agitated again.

just had a good cry to Dh, told him about my work fears (telling them I'm ill again, possible disciplinary action/sack because of my sickness record) and he says my health is more important, he's going to speak to them tomorrow and keep them updated. I don't know that I deserve such a wonderful man.

Just been woken by a horrible dream. Only got to sleep about 1 and now I'm up, making a cup of tea and trying to convince myself it was just a dream.

Sat waiting for Dh to finish the school run so we can go to the crisis team appointment. I actually feel sick at the thought of going. My heart feels like it's in my throat. I feel like I'm sitting in a roller coaster. And I am so tired. I just want it all to stop. It feels like torture.

Best of luck with the crisis team appt. Make sure you (or your dh if you cannot) tell them everything you have said on here. They should be able to help with the sleep and panic/anxiety in the short term until they get the meds right. And remember this is an illness, a particularly horrible one, it is not you being useless or a failure. Hopefully they can reassure you about hospital and then you might be able to call them sooner next time. Just realised myself that is preferable as they do not have to drop everything and dash over just to keep you safe but can actually do some therapeutic work. I know it is not easy tho as I generally phone several times before plucking up the courage to speak!

Thanks. Just got out and the nurse was lovely. I was very honest, I think Dh was surprised how honest I was! I told her my fear of hospital too.
They have asked me to wean off mirtazipine and start on sertraline while also increasing the quetiapine to 50mg at night. I go back in 2 weeks. I'm just relieved that, at this point, I don't have to have the Home Treatment Team again as I forever associate them with hospital now. I'm going to give it a try - it's all I can do.

Glad the nurse was lovely Ikea, it's strange though that she should change your meds as it's usually only a psychiatrist who can do that...oh and well done for being honest. Are you tapering the mirtazapine while starting sertraline. I'm on both of those. You certainly have a lovely DH but I'm sure you would do the same for him if it was necessary. The quetiapine is probably to help you sleep isn't it. Nightmares are horrid and I think all the meds are the cause.

Feel sluggish and just want to sleep...........zzzzzzzz

Take care

I suppose strictly speaking she didn't change the meds, she talked to us first about what she thought would be the best to try and gave us her reasons, then she had to go to find the doctor (psychiatrist? I don't know - he seemed to be part of the CMHT) and discuss it with him and he wrote the prescription.
Yes, I have to do three weeks -
Week 1 50mg sertraline 30mg mirtazipine
Week 2 100mg sertraline 15mg mirtazipine
Week 3 150mg sertraline 0 mirtazipine
I go for a review in two weeks because he I don't think he wanted to prescribe too much medication all at once, knowing I already had a lot at home.
I also have to up the quetiapine to 50mg and yes, that's for sleep.
I feel a little bit better, in that I don't feel so alone in this now that I have the counsellor, an approachable GP and CMHT all supporting me and guiding me . I felt I was just sinking before.
I don't think it's going to be a miracle but I hope now I'll find it easier to see a way forward.
Bought my scrapbook today as well. We managed a short trip to the shops and I found a lovely one.
Oh and Dh spoke to work and they were lovely, said not to worry about my job, they know I am genuinely ill and they just want me to get better.
Started the day so badly but actually, as anxious and as tearful as I feel, it has ended more positively.
Hope you get some rest Nana

Feel very spaced out this morning - not sure why as I've taken 50mg quetiapine before in recent days and I took it early enough last night. Maybe because of the reduction in mirtazipine added to the sertraline?
Regardless, I definitely feel a bit better in myself. I think it's the relief that there is a plan, that we have support and the fact that work have been understanding. I'm not dancing for joy but I just feel a bit more hopeful. Dsd is 21 today and we are supposed to be meeting up later for a little party. I initially said no way could I go. I'm still very doubtful but a tiny little part of me is wondering if maybe I could manage it. I love her dearly (I've known her since she tiny) and I really want to be there. I'll take it hour by hour and see how I feel at the last minute.

Make a plan to go but have a get away plan just in case - I hope you make it...

The first few nights I slept on the promethazine I felt spaced out after but I think now it was my body catching up with the sleep.

Fingers crossed for the rest of the day

Oh it sounds like you have good support from CMHT Ikea and as you say tat makes you feel less isolated. Did they say why they wanted you to change from Mirtazapine to Sertraline - maybe to see if it works better. The trouble is it's all trial and error with these meds and what suits one doesn't suit another. So glad you feel a bit better - when you say a little party, is it just at her house with a few people. Be nice if you could go even just for a little while. You sound such a lovely person "I love her dearly" - not very often you hear that about a step daughter.

I'm not too bad but have no energy - my dsd is coming tomorrow to stay for a few days and I love her dearly too. I won't mind if I'm crap or she hears me crying as she's very understanding and has suffered an ED for a considerable time.

Feel less spaced out as the day is going on, a bit nauseous and light- headed but nothing too terrible.
Dsd has been in my life since she was 3 and we have a good, strong relationship. We are also on good terms with her mum, which makes the difference. We have all tried to parent as a unit and support each other for the good of dsd. Her mum and I aren't friends, in that we don't meet up for coffee etc. but we have a mutual liking and respect for each other. We've supported dsd's mum through some hard times and she has offered her support to me during this awful period. We're lucky but we've all worked hard at it.
They're going bowling for dsd's birthday - she's having a night out at the weekend with her friends but she wanted something that was family friendly for her younger siblings. There'll only be close family (ours and her mum's). I can't say I relish the thought but I think I can do it. I'm close to my sil so if things get a bit much, I'm sure she'll come outside with me for a cigarette some fresh air!
Yes, the nurse yesterday said that she thought sertraline may be more suited to me but she also admitted its trial and error. I just feel better that there is someone there to turn to. Particularly my new GP, who is lovely, so supportive and doesn't make you feel like a nuisance. I thanked her on the phone today (discussing my sick note) and told her what a huge difference it makes to have a supportive GP!
I know there hasn't been any miracle performed but I just don't feel quite as hopeless. I feel like I might actually get somewhere now.
Hope you both have a good rest of your day, I'm going to go and have a bath then maybe try to cover my pasty face with some make-up.

Well, I did it! I got to dsd's 21st celebration! The last hour or so was a bit tough, I had a bit of a wobble but I just went outside and calmed myself and I'm pretty sure no one noticed. I'm a bit tearful now, very wobbly and soooo tired but I did it! Was lovely to see all the kids together. Dsd managed her first photo with all her siblings!

SO glad you made it! x

Thanks Nana, me too. Hope your day goes ok today.