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Original poster

Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

205 replies

Ikeatears · 09/02/2016 23:03

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Ikeatears · 16/02/2016 12:29

Spoke honestly to Dh last night. I told him my biggest fear is that if the thoughts tip over into more solid plans like they did last time, I won't be able to tell him because I know it will mean crisis team and maybe even hospital and I can't risk that but if I don't tell him then my fear is that I will go through with it.

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NanaNina · 16/02/2016 13:37

Hi Ikea not as bad as yesterday but not good. DP just gone to Birmingham (quite near where we live) and I'd loved to have gone with him but know I can't make it. My son and lovely grand-daughter (she's almost 16) are coming over on Thursday and staying over - I can't look forward to it in case I'm crap. I know your kids have to see you in a state but my grandchildren have never seen me crying etc and come to think of it neither have my sons. I wish I had a daughter - feel she'd be more sensitive and understanding.

How did your DH take it when you talked about suicide - mine gets upset if I do so I try not to say anything. I know you hated hospital but what was so awful - it's got to be better than killing yourself? I didn't like hospital but it sounds like it was horrendous for you. Is there another hospital you could go to if necessary. My CPN says if I needed to I could go to the other hospital in the Trust even if it's a bit further away from home. Maybe something to ask the counsellor.

Original poster
Ikeatears · 16/02/2016 19:07

Glad you're not as bad as yesterday, I hope you feel better for your grandchildren's visit.
I only have sons but I'm hoping they'll be just as sensitive as daughters - certainly my middle one has a lovely, caring nature. Dh is lovely and good to his mum so they hopefully have a good role model but who knows how our children will turn out.
Dh cried when we discussed things last night but it feels 'safer' to have told him, if you see what I mean. I just couldn't go back to hospital, I hated everything about it and it felt more like punishment than care and treatment. I don't think I could even risk another hospital.
Anyway, I managed a quick trip to the supermarket this morning then made a cake with the two youngest - someone up thread said to try to do one thing every day that makes you feel like a mum and they'd been asking to bake so I thought that could be the one thing. Dh took them all out this afternoon and I had a lovely bath then went to bed for a few hours. Not the worst day I've had I suppose.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 01:03

Can't sleep. Watched My baby, psychosis and Me with Dh and found it really upsetting. Much of what the women went through, I didn't identify with but some of it was really, so very familiar. I also found it upsetting how badly their husbands were affected. It makes me feel so guilty to put Dh through this. Had a really good cry on his shoulder but now he's snoring away at the side of me and just can't sleep!

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 02:03

Given up on sleep - I'm currently cooking beef curry for tomorrow - might as well make myself useful!

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dancingunicorns · 17/02/2016 03:43

Much of what you are saying really resonates with me. I have given up on sleep too and cleaned the bathroom. Now in the bath.

Someone up thread said about lists - search 'bullet journal' on here and Google. Has made a big difference to me - it's better than a diary as you move your tasks across to the next day so nothing gets forgotten. I record my mood levels too.
Also look at Wellness Recovery Action Plans (WRAP) - it's a crisis plan but I am finding it easier to understand. Though I have ongoing support from CMHT.

All your feelings you describe I have too - the lying in bed not facing the world and feeling like a bad mum. Just trying to get through each day is exhausting.
Hang on and get through another day tomorrow.

Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 03:57

Thanks, the curry is in the slow cooker and I'm just folding washing while catching up on Eastenders. I need to have a look at all the suggestions people have made, I'm finding it hard to motivate myself though. I know I really have to try to help myself.
I want to have a cigarette but there's only one left in the packet and if I'm going to be awake all night, I'd rather save it til later.
Usually I do manage to get at least some sleep but tonight, nothing.

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dancingunicorns · 17/02/2016 04:08

I doubt I will get much but in the morning I will be clean and my bathroom will be too...

You will have tea sorted, folded washing and will know what's happening in Eastenders.

We aren't so bad after all Smile

Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 04:12

Haha, I like your thinking. Not sure Dh will feel the same, I know he's frightened and me staying up all night won't do anything to reassure him but lying in bed is torture when sleep isn't forthcoming.
Will you manage to get any sleep tomorrow?

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dancingunicorns · 17/02/2016 04:32

Not really - single parent tho DS is out for the day I have appts. I am seeing my support worker and my meds need review so hopefully this will start to be the last of sleepless nights.

What about you? I find in the day I either crash and dream wildly or just lie to eradicate thoughts... Neither is restful

Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 04:41

Oh I get the crazy dreams thing! Horrible sometimes. Dh and the dc are out all day tomorrow so I'm hoping I might get some sleep. Only problem is that may mean I up all night tomorrow again.

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dancingunicorns · 17/02/2016 05:05

I am going to try and be busy all so I sleep tomorrow night though tried it to no avail before.

I am going to grab a few hours - keep posting Flowers

Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 05:19

I'm feeling quite sick now. I want to sleep but I don't think I can. Just waiting on another load to finish in the dryer then I can fold it all.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 08:33

Well, weirdly, I seem to have gone past the point of sleep. I actually feel full of energy, went to the shop for cigarettes at 6 then got the kids up and bathed and dressed the little one. Just had a piece of toast and the sick feeling is gone. Debating going to my mum's to check on her. I'm sure I'll crash later but, for now, I'm making the most of my new-found energy.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 10:47

Still no sleep and don't even particularly feel tired! At least the dc are with their grandparents today so I can crash out when (if) I hit the wall!

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 15:02

Dropped off to sleep for about an hour - I now feel 10 times worse. So groggy and very sick. I'm So sick of feeling rubbish.Sad

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NanaNina · 17/02/2016 15:40

Well you did have a nigh without sleep Ikea, but if I drop off in the day I always feels crap when I wake. And I'm with you on feeling sick of feeling rubbish. See if you can get some sleep tonight - I reckon that programme late at night wasn't a good idea. I taped it as didn't fancy watching it before going to bed.

When are you seeing the GP to get your meds reviewed. Sorry I can't say anything more helpful - just I know how crap depression is.

Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 15:58

My counsellor phoned him today and he still wants to wait till next Thursday to review meds as I only met him for the first time last Friday. He did say to her to tell me that he is happy to see me in the meantime though if I need to.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 17/02/2016 19:54

Feel awful. I just want to run away. I can't escape myself though. I can't carry on like this. I have a strong urge to just leave.

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NanaNina · 17/02/2016 23:04

I think the urge to leave is very common because we feel so crap we think that if we just run and run or drive and drive, it will go away, but of course it doesn't, it just goes with us. It's taken me most of the day to feel half human. Hope you can get some sleep tonight.

dancingunicorns · 18/02/2016 00:54

How's things tonight Ikea?

I get the urge to run away too - its goes with feeling overwhelmed. It would be a good idea to see the GP again

Original poster
Ikeatears · 18/02/2016 10:20

I know I shouldn't but I took 50mg quetiapine so I could sleep last night. It got to about 8pm and I didn't feel tired again and I couldn't face another night awake. I don't feel great this morning but at least I slept!
Fell out with Dh last night and said I was going out. He actually locked the doorSad
I know why, he's scared. I have been known to just walk out when I'm at my worst and he's scared I'll do something. I'm scared too. We made up and I said I do understand his fears but that I fear I'm losing my mind and when he locks me in, I feel like he thinks I'm losing my mind too. We fell out because I felt like he was saying I could 'snap out of it' He wasn't saying that and he's reassured me on numerous occasions that I'm ill and it isn't my fault. Last night was probably a combination of frustration on both our parts, poor choice of words on his part and my over-reaction due to crushing tiredness.
I'm sinking though and I can't stop itSad

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 18/02/2016 11:03

I find myself wanting to curl up into the smallest space possible - like into the corner of the sofa in a dark room. If feels more comfortable but I can't explain why.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 18/02/2016 12:24

Dh and my friend want me to phone GP but I can't and I can't explain why.

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NanaNina · 18/02/2016 13:25

I understand wanting to curl up in a small space - I think we want to "disappear" - it's what animals do when they're sick. Your DH is so kind and as you say, he is worried about you. Can't count the number of times my DP has stood in front of the front door so I can't get out and hides my car keys. Do you mean you don't feel you can explain on here why you can't phone the GP or you just don't know why. You could ask for an urgent appointment, cus next Thursday is a long time away when you're feeling so crap. Glad you got some sleep even if it was with the aid of quetiapine.