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Original poster

Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

205 replies

Ikeatears · 09/02/2016 23:03

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?Sad

OP posts:
DaggerEyes · 12/02/2016 15:36

I have now reached the point of indulging one whim a day too! It can be big (watch a whole film!) or small (wander the garden mentally planning huge projects that will probably never happen). But I try to not go a whole day without having one thing in the 'dagger whim' bank. It's never a good thing to not be able to remember the last time you were selfish!

PacificDogwod · 12/02/2016 16:27

Hope your GP appointment went well Thanks
Small steps - you are not a failure.

moopymoodle · 12/02/2016 16:46

Just thought I'd chime in on this as I experienced severe anxiety and similar thoughts as you OP. I too didn't get better at first, I felt like my ex Was my safety net and without him I would crumble. Well for various reasons I became a single mum, but I never crumbled it was just fear. Sure I struggled at times with my anxiety but in time I got better.

Please don't be hard on yourself op, how could you not feel anxious with all the pressure to be well. It's a self fulfilled prophecy. Have u looked at the free claire weekes audios on Google, they are amazing and will really help you understand what anxiety is. Listen to them tonight, you can do this.

moopymoodle · 12/02/2016 16:51

Also, you are not a failure. Millions of mothers suffer anxiety, these mums are still brilliant parents. Many parents are ill with all sorts of problems right from mental health to terminal illness. These parents are still fantastic, you can be ill and a good parent op. It's not one or the other. We all have our cross to bare, this is yours for the time been but you will pull through.

Please look at the claire weekes audios and If you can Google At last a life blog by Paul David. If you ever need any help feel free to inbox me :)

Original poster
Ikeatears · 12/02/2016 19:24

Thank you everyone for keeping me going with your replies. I'll have a look at those recommendations. GP was very nice, didn't rush us (we were in about 40 minutes!) and even went to speak to another GP for his opinion. He has asked me not keep off the quetiapine (mainly because I told him how hard I find it to function when I'm taking it) he's prescribed propanolol which I'm not convinced about and promethazine for sleep. The big difference from my old go though, is that he wants to review it in two weeks and will make changes if need be. I'm still very shaky and keep filling up with tears but we're all home together with our pjs on, in the warm, we've just had a takeaway (been healthy eating all week) so at least I feel safe with my little family.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 12/02/2016 19:27

*gp not go

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 12/02/2016 19:47

Sorry, just re read that - he's asked me to KEEP OFF the quetiapine

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 00:34

Well, it's been a horrible day, I STILL can't stop crying! Every time I think about the fact that I had a melt down at work, I go cold! Is this ever going to end? I just can't imagine it. I'm so embarrassed that they saw me in that state. I don't swear very often but I fucking hate mental illness!

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AndNowItsSeven · 13/02/2016 00:47

Ikea I don't really no what to say, I worry I will say the wrong thing, but your post can up on active and I didn't want to leave your posts with no response.
It is good that your new GP is supportive, I hope the new meds are helpful. Remember it takes time for your body to get use to new meds and you can feel worse when you first change.
Please don't be embarrassed about getting upset at work. I am sure your colleagues just want you to be ok.

I hope you can sleep ok tonight. Flowers

Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 01:03

Thank you, I appreciate your reply, I quite often use this board as an outlet with no particular expectation of reply but I'm always grateful when some does take the time. In my rational mind, I know I shouldn't be embarrassed but I am, I really am. I'm not a person who is very free with their emotions (probably part of my problem) so I am finding this lack of self-control one of the hardest parts of this horrible, horrible, cruel illness.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 11:55

So I've taken propanolol a fm I'm probably not shaking quite as badly but I do feel really quite sick. Anyone know if this is normal? Last time I was prescribed it, I was on a cocktail of other drugs so I've no idea what was causing what side effects if that makes sense.
Still very teary and debated a day in bed but that was making me feel worse so I've got up and got dressed. I would like to go out I think but I'm scared of crying in public. Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Staying in makes me feel safe but increases my lethargy and feelings of hopelessness but going out increases my anxiety. Can't win.

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Fedup83 · 13/02/2016 12:08

How old are your DCs? X

Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 12:11

They're 5, 10 and 13. It's very difficult to hide the tears from them. I'm doing a lot of moving into a different room when they come in.

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Fedup83 · 13/02/2016 12:30

I barely cope with two kids and my DH doesn't work away ever and takes on about 60% of home life stuff!

I'm my opinion you're doing very well.

Do you get a rest?

Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 12:42

Yes, they're pretty good really and they have a good bedtime routine so evenings are my own (even the 13 year old goes to his room or into the other room by about 8.30) it can be hard co-ordinating activities/homework etc. but Dh is very good and occasionally the oldest will help with reading with the little one etc.
I can't decide whether I want to give in and go back to bed or force myself out of the door. I bloody hate this.

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NanaNina · 13/02/2016 12:52

Oh god I know this one Ikea can you go for 50/50 - not going back to bed but not forcing yourself out, lie on the sofa. If you pick up a bit later on you could try a short trip out maybe? A very wise consultant psychiatrist told me some years ago "don't do anything that's an ordeal.........."

Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 12:58

Even lying on the sofa is making me feel rubbish though. I'm currently sat next to Dh at the kitchen table while he finishes some work off - the noise of the keyboard tapping is making me want to pick the laptop up and throw it out of the window though! (I won't) I'm so irritable, I just want to cry and cry and cry. I just want it all to end.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 13:11

Oh and to top it off, my next door neighbour is working on an extension in his garden with some other men and they're f'ing and blinding all over the place. My kids don't hear it in my house, why should they have to hear it playing in their own garden! It's making me irrationally angry!

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Fedup83 · 13/02/2016 13:38

Do you know sometimes lifts my mood? Clearing out a cupboard or a drawer. It leads to other things and before I know it I feel like I'm on w mission to a new life Grin

NanaNina · 13/02/2016 14:09

Oh god NO to clearing cupboards or drawers................

Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 15:14

Haha, sorry fed up, I have to agree with Nana on that one! Anyway, if I started spontaneously clearing out cupboards, Dh would think I was REALLY ill😂
I managed a short trip out, picked up valentines cards for each other and returned some shirts. Just written my card though and realised I got 'boyfriend' not 'husband'. It'll have to do though, I can't face going out again. Hopefully, Dh will see the funny side! Really, really trying to resist the urge to take to my bed.

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Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 16:44

Given in and come to bed. I can't handle the kids wondering in and out downstairs and Dh seems irritated with me so I've just come up to get some peace and quiet. I know it's pathetic.Sad

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moopymoodle · 13/02/2016 17:15

Ikea whiles your in bed can you look at those free Audios I suggested. They will really help I promise. She's a world renowned Doctor and won many awards for her work with anxiety disorders. Her work is a bit dated in the sense of her language terms.. She calls it nervous illness. But I promise you I suffered 10 long years and her work along with nutrition really helped me turn things around. I'm fine now, so always keep hope and I really believe self help can be a massive part of recovery. Flowers

Original poster
Ikeatears · 13/02/2016 17:47

Moopy, I'll try later, I can't face anything at the moment, I found myself googling ways to die but I know I wouldn't act on it. It's just a fantasy that I can make this all stop. Are thoughts dangerous? I don't know. Surely if they stay as thoughts it's ok?

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sadie9 · 13/02/2016 18:32

Yes if it stays thoughts it's OK. At the same time googling ways to die probably not the best use of your time and not very relaxing is it. Stuff inside your head can't hurt you only things in the physical world. But our minds don't know that. You could take a rest from trying to be a good person or waiting to to be fixed, and just watch a light hearted movie on netflix maybe.