Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?

The thing is, I do want to die. How can I live like this? It isn't a life is it? I wouldn't act on it though because I don't have the guts. I'm scared I'd fail or that I'd change my mind when it's too late. I just can't see the point though. I feel like I never want to leave my room.

Thing to remember is - you won't always feel like you do right now. Things do change. In fact we are changing second by second. Low moods have a sense of permanence about them simply because we can't feel two things at once. And it brings a sense of detachment and numbness that flattens us. These are temporary states. Bide your time and take care of yourself until you feel a bit restored. Things were better in the past they can be better again. If the good times can't last forever then the bad times can't last forever either. And sometimes you just have to trust that that will happen.

It's too hard though. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, it all falls apart again.

I'm scared because I don't want to get to the point where I feel like I can't go on but I'm scared because I can't go on like this. What if this is it? What if this is me forever? These boards are full of people who've suffered for years and years, relapse after relapse. I can't do that. I know I can't.

I've been there Ikea and googled and been consumed with suicidal thoughts - but they are just thoughts, and a symptom of depression and anxiety. Sadie has some wise words.

Remember too that another symptom of depression is that we believe we will never get better.............it can recur but we find a way round it somehow and as you're quite young I assume you have a good chance of a complete recovery. But yes I know what you mean - I'm a grandmother aged 72 but still think I can't go on like this, then mercifully the black clouds disperse and I feel me again, and so will you.

I hope you're right Nana.

Oh and I also messed up my meds - managed to take quetiapine instead of the promethazine! I'm such an idiot.

The thought of another day ahead just makes me feel sick. I don't want to be here.

Know the feeling Ikea - my head monster plays some fucking awful tricks and played one this morning. Woke feeling ok and planning my day - then as soon as I'm in the shower the awfulness descends and I'm a jibbering wreck, so will be a sofa day again. Is your diagnosis depression Ikea - or maybe more anxiety. I only ask because it doesn't sound like you have been prescribed ADs. I know the feeling of "not wanting to be here" - it's impossible to explain to anyone isn't it. Thinking of you.

I've got a diagnosis of both, I'm on 45mg mirtazapine for depression but I'm not convinced it's working anymore. Well, I managed to do something I've been putting off for ages, I've filled in the power of attorney forms for my mum. We're going to go out and get them signed by all parties this afternoon. Can't think of anything I'd rather do less but I have to fight this urge to just stay in bed and it's something I should have done months ago so I know it's been adding to my anxiety. Hopefully, it's one less stress ticked off.

Right - I've just looked up Promethazine and it's for itchy/water eyes, hives, sickness after an operation! I'm on Mirtazapine too and not convinced it does any good. You could try asking the psych for lithium (it's a mood stabiliser) used in bipolar but also effective in unipolar depression - having said that it doesn't seem to be doing me much good but according to my CPN it helps the majority of patients.

I know the urge to stay in bed but I think it's what our minds need when we are so crap - the need to withdraw - it's what animals do when they're sick or in pain. Well done with the forms.

Thanks, I've not actually taken the promethazine yet, I didn't take it the first night and took quetiapine by mistake last night!
I've got a review a week on Thursday so I'll see what the GP says. Thanks for taking the time. Hope your day improves.

Can't settle at all this evening. Don't want to sit or stand or lie down. I just can't rest. I'm so tired and so tearful and it's all just shit. I want to go to sleep and never wake up

Another probably daft suggestion from me but even though the tidying thing wasn't for you (and honestly I have had crisis teams out and seen psychiatrists over anxiety and depression) other things that helped me when really really poorly were: ringing the Samaritans, writing and writing - a diary of sorts but letting it all spill out. From the happy to the sad times and why you think things have played out as they have. A to do list of minimum things o need to do - eg. Get a shower, put on one washboard - and then ticking them off. A glass of wine...

Sorry for typos

Oh Fedup - it wasn't a daft suggestion at all! It's just not for me but I'm very grateful for any suggestions! The writing thing does work for me sometimes, in fact, I'm supposed to have kept an anxiety diary ready for my counselling tomorrow but I think because I had to do it, I've avoided it! I'd love a glass of wine but I'm not sure I'd stop at one and that's usually when I make my most stupid decisions! Thank you so much for replying, I really do appreciate it.
I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. I'm finding it so hard to sit still and my eyes are sore from crying. I'm currently sat in the kitchen, in the dark, listening to our squeaky dryer going round - the monotonous sound is somehow slightly soothing. I feel like I'm falling and I just can't stop myself.

It might be the side effect of the quetiapine Ikea - I was looking at anti-psychs the other day because my CPN mentioned they were sometimes effective for depression. I didn't like the sound of the side effects and one of them mentioned agitation and difficulty keeping still.

And I've checked Promethazine and it's definitely not for depression and anxiety, so I think you need to talk to the GP about why she/he prescribed this for you.

Hope you get some sleep tonight. It's taken me most of the day to start to feel half human!

He's only prescribed it for two weeks to help me sleep. Took it an hour ago and I can't say I feel any different really. I am just sat here crying and Dh is getting frustrated and trying to get me to tell him what's wrong and I can't, because I don't know. He wants to ring the crisis team tomorrow but I can't go back to all that and won't step foot in that hospital ever again. I'll die before I ever go back in there.

Can't sleep. Dh has gone to bed. He seems annoyed with me but he says he's just frustrated with the situation and he's that he's scared. I don't know what to say to him. I'm scared too. I hate this. I just want my life back but it feels like it's gone forever.

Have you been seen by a psychiatrist Ikea because it seems to me that you need to try different drugs. Mirtazapine is usually used to augment another AD rather than on its own. I know you've just changed GPs but I don't know why (sorry you've probably said) Depression IS bloody scary and at my worst that's what I keep saying "I'm scared" and who wouldn't be scared feeling that some stranger has taken over your mind and you're not the same person...........but you are still there, underneath all the crap.

You life hasn't gone forever but I know it's hard to believe that when you feel like you do just now. Try and get some sleep if you can.

I saw the home treatment team psychiatrist twice and the psychiatrist on the ward. They prescribed mirtazapine and quetiapine and diazepam on a prn. I have no diazepam left and I weaned off the quetiapine with the help of the HTT as I knew I couldn't take 100mg and function enough to work.
I changed gps because my other one was rubbish, showed no interest and was rude and aggressive. I haven't seen anyone since the HTT stopped in November (except the counsellor for the last three weeks) I think I'll go up to bed and see if I can get some sleep. I'm not rating the promethazine so far. Doesn't even appear to have touched the sides.

Pretty much spent today in bed as I didn't sleep much last night. I've got the counsellor later but I'm scared of going because I know if she thinks I'm too unstable, she'll refer me and the counselling will have to stop. I feel like I've given up.

Made it to counsellor. She's going to speak to my new GP this week and ask him to either review my meds or make a referral to consultant psychiatrist again so they can review meds instead. All motivation seems to have disappeared. Just want to hide away.

Oh glad you made it to the counsellor Ikea - is this an NHS counsellor. Glad she's getting in touch with GP - I think you should ask the GP to refer you to a consultant psychiatrist. Depression sucks the motivation out of us.

I've had the day from hell today and only started to pick up about an hour ago. I heard on the news that three quarters of people with mental health problems don't have any support. I have support but it doesn't do much good. My DP is my biggest support.

Are you on half term - you're a teacher aren't you.

I know the feeling of wanting to hid away so well.

Hi Nana (seems strange writing that - lost my nana last year and she was lovely)
Yes it's through IAPT - step 3, intensive counselling. I had to bang on doors and scream and shout for it (metaphorically not literally)
I do hope he agrees to a referral, I can't go on like this.
I'm sorry you've had a rubbish day, it's so unfair isn't it! I suppose we're both very lucky aren't we? At least we have good people around us who love us.