Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?

I can't explain why to anyone, I don't know. It feels to hard to pick up the phone and I don't even know what I'd say. I don't know what I'd say to the dr. I think I'm scared. I'm scared that they'll make me go to hospital. I feel like I was tricked into it last time. I'm so frightened

Can't say much to help except I know how you are feeling. I am desperately trying to fight the urge to drive off somewhere and end it; the doctors have stopped me driving but it doesn't help in the extremes. I understand about not knowing what to say - I couldn't face my gp appt yesterday or my care coordinator today - nothing they do helps so why bother?
What does your crisis plan say for when you feel like this? Maybe just curling up in a ball on the sofa is the safest thing to do until it passes or someone is around to help? Just holding on minute by minute is an achievement if you can do nothing else.
They do try not to hospitalise if at all possible so try to see if they can help at home, crisis team or something - can your dh or friend ring them for you?
Hope you start to feel better soon

I don't have a crisis plan and I can't let them ring the crisis team because it feels like the first step back into hospital. I can't ever go back in there. I felt like a criminal. I don't know what to do anymore. I tried taking all the advice and I'm almost right back where I started from. I have to be in work on Monday. How the hell am I going to do that? I am a complete and utter failure and I truly hate myself for what I am putting Dh and the dc through. I know they are better without me but I can't leave them. They wouldn't understand that they're better off without me.

At least you know you cannot leave your dc - hold onto that thought. And you're not a failure, you are ill. - would you say the same if you had diabetes or cancer? What can you do to be kind to yourself today - I know the usual platitudes about hot bath or warm drink but you are trying to buy time for your body to get over this crisis so however annoying it sounds can you do anything? I

Hello, I just wanted to add my support OP. If you and the kids are all up and dressed, quite frankly, you're winning, sod anything else! Have you or your dh ever thought about him trying to get a job where he doesn't have to go away, or is there any way when he does go that you could go with him and the kids stay with grandparents or something? It seems like you really need to lean on him at the moment and if he's away a lot, obviously that must affect you massively when he's not there? Or have you thought about your own job - are you happy there (as much as anyone is with work) or is there something about it you don't like that would be better in another job or fewer hours if you can afford it? Just trying to think of things that can get you though a bit easier. But you will get through it.

You know, your kids are not better off without you. I have thought the same myself at times, it's horrible. But it's not you thinking that, it's the depression. Nobody loves your kids like you do, they need you.

Thank you both. Dh is only away usually for a couple of nights, once a month - I just started this thread when he was away. He's off all next week on holiday.
I've actually changed my job to a less stressful role and dropped to 4 days. It's not my job and they've been very supportive but their patience will be wearing thin soon.
I do think in the long run, Dh and the ex would have a much happier life with someone else but I can't make Dh understand that. I feel like I'm poison. I just drip misery throughout the whole house.
I'm so tired.

My friend phoned the Dr's, got an appointment with a different GP first thing in the morning. The one I saw last week isn't in til Tuesday. Really can't face explaining myself again. Makes Dh happier that I'm seeing someone though.

Referred back to crisis team. Really can't do this again.

Stick with it ikea. They really won't hospitalise you unless you give them no choice. If you can work with them and stay safe at home they will do that. Had that same conversation with crisis team this morning so with you all the way. I have been there so many times I can see exactly what they are doing which doesn't help, but basically all they can do is buy time until something works and you feel better (even if only a bit). Let them look after you and try some more stuff out - something has to work eventually!

Hi Ikea - Willow's right - they will not want to admit you because beds are in short supply and if you don't go in voluntarily, there are no grounds for admitting you under the MHA. You have to be a danger to yourself or others and that's not the case. Crisis teams aren't usually much help and advise you to have a hot bath, go for a walk, have a milky drink. I was talking with my CPN about this and she said it would almost be better to say they didn't know how to help than to give such crap advice. But the thing is they don't know and it's not their fault because we just have to ride out the crap days and keep hoping the psych will find the right combination of drugs. Mind after 6 years I have to say I'm losing hope.

Thinking of you - bad day here.

They asked if I've had bad thoughts and if I can keep myself safe. How do I know if I can keep myself safe? And even if I'm having horrible thoughts, I'm not likely to tell them after last time. I know how it works now and I know not to admit anything.
I feel like I'm going to get the sack at work too which is only going to make everything so much worse.
Thanks for your replies and Nana, sorry you're having a bad day. How was your visit from your grandchildren?

Ikea, so sorry you (and Nana ) are struggling

How can you keep yourself safe? Have a plan, think about what you might do if you feel you want to hurt yourself - tell your DH? phone the Samaritans? do you have a contact no with somebody on the crisis team? is there a trusted friend you'd speak to? does distraction help with intrusive thoughts? does playing music/eating something nice/going for a walk help?

These are just ideas and ignore anything that is totally inappropriate - the point is make a plan in advance on what safety net to use if you need to. Often knowing that there is a plan helps people feel better.

Nobody can help you or even try to help you if you are not honest. Please be honest, otherwise why engage??
You WILL NOT always feel like this - if you do something you cannot take back, you rob yourself of the chance of ever feeling better, making new experiences or understanding more about your illness. Suicide is a dead end street and only SEEMS like a way out. It isn't.

Working with bereaved families as I do from time to time, please know that there is no loss as devastating as losing a loved one to suicide (with the possible exception of childhood death) and those left behind always forever feel guilty and in need of answers which do not exist. Please trust me, should you ever feel that your DH or family and friends would be 'better off without you', that is the bastard illness talking and NOT true. It never is.

Keep engaging with the help there is.

NB The antihistamine you were prescribed is often used as a mild nighttime sedative.

PLEASE be honest with them - they won't hospitalise you unless they really have to.
The key to staying at home may well be that you can come up with a safe plan with the crisis team... But that requires you to be truthful or they can't assess your safety and that makes you more of a risk (if that makes sense).
My intrusive thoughts are abating - I was where you are now about 2 weeks ago and 2 weeks before that. I had to be really, really honest - the risk of not being honest is your life, it's never seeing your husband or children and one person said to me at that point... 'What about your son? What does he think about deserving better than you? Does he think there is anyone better? What would be his choice?' and I have to admit that he just wants me... I bet your hubby and children are the same.

Please be honest. I am around the rest of the day - please keep posting

Sorry, I got distracted by RL and I bet an essay is not really what you need right now.

Just to say, thinking of you and wishing you all the best - you do deserve to feel better and you will.

Thank you for taking time to reply. I understand what you're both saying, I really do, but how can I be honest? The thought of hospital is more scary than death and I know that sounds irrational but it's truly how I feel. The thoughts are just that at the moment, thoughts. I don't know when, or even if they will tip into something else but I'm too scared to say it out loud.

Tell them that hospital is scarier than dying. In fact write out your post above and just hand it to them as s note,

Without honesty they can't help you in the right way x

Oh, petal, just tell them what you are telling us, truly, do.
"Hospital is scarier than dying" would be a very convincing reason for them to keep treating you at home {hugs}

I'm scared of everything snowballing and losing control over what happens to me. You are making sense though. Maybe I could speak to Dh again tonight. I am trying (very trying my lovely friend would say)

You are more likely to be sectioned if you hide the thoughts then you are more likely to bfvihdkk get control / get the help you need c

I'm just so very scared.

I've told Dh hat I lied to the crisis team on the phone. It feels safer that I've told him. It makes him feel so much less safe though and that makes me feel guilty. If I can't tell them on Monday, at least he can.

Call the crisis team back PLEASE - they are there all night and all weekend. Or at least ask your DH to call them...

Thanks, it feels a bit better that I've been honest with Dh. I'll keep talking to him and I promise I will tell him if the thoughts change. The reason for the Monday appointment is that there are no doctors on at the weekend so if I need a proper meds overhaul, there is no-one there to prescribe.

IKEA I could have written your posts. I've had PND since dd arrived 2.5 years ago and I've felt everything you described. I'm in another episode at the moment and after a trip to GP been persuaded to call the crisis team.
Sometimes I just long to be taken into residential care but then feel sick at the thought of leaving DD and DH.
Sorry to hijack your thread I just wanted to offer some solidarity

You're not hijacking Apathy I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish too - at least my youngest is at school now - I don't know how I'd cope with having a toddler! I hope the crisis team are helpful to you