Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?

Thanks IKEA. I hope you have a better weekend. I cope with dd with a mixture of supportive family and nursery. She is also the reason I am still here, without her I think the bad thoughts may have won to you too

Well done for having told your DH how you actually feel - can you hold on to the memory of how you felt safer having told him?
Always tell somebody; whoever you feel safest to tell.

Wishing you a restful night x.

Keep talking to your DH...

I have been given promethazine so likely to out like a light soon - stay safe x

Thank you all of you, I really do appreciate the time you take to reply. I'll keep talking. I think Dh understands that I'm not saying I'll act on the thoughts but that to keep them as thoughts and nothing more I have to say it out loud. He also understands that if I can't tell the crisis team, he will.
dancing I hope you have better luck than me! They've upped mine to 3 tonight and 25mg of quetiapine so I'll have a better night.

Lol I am a cheap date - 1 knocked me out last night! I am just waiting for son to settle.

How you doing now?

Well I've taken my mirtazipine, quetiapine and promethazine and I've come to bed in the hope that they'll kick in soon. Fingers crossed.

I hope you sleep well

It's rubbish that so many of us are struggling. Thank you PacificD and others sending good wishes. Ikea I think you've done the right thing telling DH that you weren't honest with the crisis team, so he can tell them as you say, but to be honest I don't think it will make a great deal of difference. I'm a bit anti crisis team as you just get the same stuff - hot bath/milky drink/walk etc. I know it's not their fault as they can't make us better. I did manage to have a nice day yesterday Ikea with my son and grand daughter which was amazing as I've had a crap week.

I've just watched the programme on post partum psychosis which was very moving. The interesting part for me was that one young mum in a mother and baby residential unit was very poorly and going downhill, and then she had ECT and started to get better almost straight away - she had 11 sessions and was fully recovered and her memory wasn't affected. Is that something you would consider Apathy or you Willow and Ikea

Just noticed you're taking quetiapine and I thought the GP said not to take it. Sorry if I've got that wrong.

Re ECT - I have been on the brink of having it and had signed the consents - the psych was really pushing me on having it, but then I researched it and found some worrying things online from BJPsychiatry about memory loss and how 50% of patients aren't given full information about this. Mind the success rate is about 70% and sometimes I think I should just have it - would any of you consider it? You can have it as an outpatient - like you Ikea there is no way I am going back in hospital.

Well, I slept much better(only woke up a couple of times for about an hour each) but I feel so groggy this morning. Nana, I'm hoping that the crisis team either review my meds or get me an appointment with the psychiatrist so that he can review my meds. You're right about the quetiapine but when we went back to the GP yesterday, she asked me to start taking it again, just 25mg at night to help me sleep. I already know it works for me, I do get to sleep, although after a while, it seems to become less effective but I hate the groggy feeling it leaves me with the next day. At the moment though, that's a small price to pay for some sleep.
Glad you had a good day with your family. I can't seem to enjoy mine at the moment.
ECT hasn't been offered and I don't know what I would do in all honesty. I know a few people who have had great success from it but I'm hoping I can find the right medication.

Glad you got some sleep ikea. I am tired but managed little sleep - I can feel the tension and restlessness in my body (as if I had drunk loads of coffee). Do keep talking about the thoughts - loads of people have thoughts but very few act on them so it is nothing to hide. Sometimes a 'safety box' can help - a box with things in to slow you down, pictures of your dc , their drawings, wedding photos, holiday snaps anything that will help you bury the 'bad' thoughts. Ages ago my counsellor asked me the first thing that came into my head that I loved enough to stay safe for - it was ds; I felt guilty that it was him not dd or them both but she said don't analyse it just keep it in your mind and think of it when you need to. The other thing about staying safe - the combination of hopelessness and lack of supportive factors is the main driver for acting on thoughts. You have massive supportive factors in dc and dh so hold onto those. The other key thing in my crisis plan - remember you will not always feel like this. I struggle with that as everything is so overwhelming when negative but it does help me to just 'exist' if I need to. I saw something on fb - it's OK to just ' have a day', you don't need to be supermum all the time, or strive for a good or great day. Sorry - seem to be rambling but hope something I have said helps
Nana - I have bad memories of ECT from 30 years ago when it turned my surrogate grandfather into a zombie which coloured my whole thinking. But things have improved massively since then so if offered I might consider it. Doubt I will be offered it tho as the MDD is only one of my diagnoses and has responded to treatment in the past.
Pacific thanks for the info about loss to suicide - I do know it deep down but it is hard to get through the fog of depression that tells you otherwise.
Hope everyone has a good day - we are chillin' and the crisis team are coming later.

willow, lovely post, especially when you are feeling so rubbish. I love the idea of a safety box. I'm a great collector of memories. Oooo - just had a thought while I'm typing. I've done quite a few scrapbook books for other people over the years (big birthdays, anniversaries, funerals etc) but never done one of my own! This could something I could do, it would keep me busy too. Thank you. I think I'll speak to Dh about it later. I hope the crisis team are helpful. Just a thought for you, you've helped me today

Actually just spent a reasonably pleasant hour googling more scrap booking stuff - whether I'll actually have the motivation to do it is another thing but it's been a good distraction if nothing else.
Feeling quite wobbly today, just got to keep going though - Dh been out to football with the middle one and just picked our touring caravan up from its service. I've managed a bath and made the dc lunch. Normally, I'd be getting excited about booking some weekends away but can't imagine wanting to go away from my house at the moment.

Thank you Willow for your interesting post - not rambling at all, anyway we're allowed to ramble on bad days. Yes I'd forgotten Pacific gave us some important info about suicide, although my CPN had told me that she has in the past been involved with groups of people whose loved one had taken their lives. The person who stops me is my soon to be 16 year old grand-daughter - I love her to distraction. I love DP and my sons but it's her that stops me............OR I lack the courage. I have a plan and I've googled enough to know the most effective method.

Ikea glad to hear you sound a bit brighter today and maybe because of getting some sleep. I love the idea of collecting memories and it's strange because half of me is sad that I am not the person I used to be before all this crap started, and the other half of me feels grateful that I had such happy times in the past whereas for many people mental illness hits them in their younger life. How do you google scrap book stuff?

Back on suicide there was a programme last week about relatives whose loved ones had ended their life. Haven't seen it but I've taped it.

Not too bad today but totally lacking in motivation.

Ikea you sound brighter

Great idea about the scrapbook! I have all the pieces of material ready for a patchwork of my son's baby clothes and old uniforms... I look at them and can remember times he wore the clothes.

You are doing so well.

I'd love to make a patchwork quilt of all the boys clothes that I kept (I bought a sewing machine for this very purpose) Like many of my plans, however, I've never quite got round to starting it!

Feel so agitated tonight, I'm so tempted to have a few vodkas and I know it's probably a terrible idea but I just want to be able to relax, even if it's only for a few hours. I feel like someone's sitting on my chest and pushing the life out of me.

Won't it affect your medication?

Do you know what's causing your agitation?

Yes, it probably will, but I don't seem to care at the moment.
No idea of the cause - cabin fever probably, I've not been anywhere since Thursday except the doctors and my mum's briefly but I'm struggling to leave the house, I'm struggling with noise and light. I'm sat here in the living room with the lights off, tv on but no sound. I'd turn the tv off too but Dh would worry too much about me sitting in the complete dark.

Upside is, my lovely mother in law popped in today. She'd sent me a message to see how I was and had guessed from my reply that all wasn't well. She turned up with sweets for the kids and a cake for me (the bought kind - she's a not a baking kind of mil) and just a listening, sympathetic ear. She even stayed for about an hour which is a long time for her!

How you doing now IKEA?

I've had a couple of vodkas and it has helped my restlessness and agitation. I should really have taken my meds by now but I'm delaying because it's the first time in days that I've felt more settled and I don't want to feel drugged.
I know I'm doing it all wrong but I just need some respite, however brief.
Also realised today that when the police were called back in October and took me to hospital, it will probably appear on any enhanced DBS check for future jobs. I've fucked my life up haven't I.

I don't think it will - you weren't arrested / cautioned - it comes under additional information I think which can be included but very rarely is. If it did show you would have good argument to have it removed under data protection.

You were ill NOT breaking the law. PLEASE don't worry x

Yes, I read that about extra information. The type of jobs I would apply for are always working with children or other vulnerable groups and I would have to have an enhanced DBS. I feel like work are going to sack me and I'll never get another job because of my sickness record and now this on my DBS.
Also, my oldest friend's husband has had some sort of MH crisis out of the blue this week and is currently an inpatient in the hospital where I was. She just phoned half an hour ago and asked us to go with her to visits him tomorrow. I can't. I can't step foot in that place ever again. I feel sick just thinking about it. Dh said he'll go if it's ok with me. I've said it is but the thought of him being there, even just as a visitor, makes me so anxious. I know that's irrational but I have such a fear of that place!

Well, slept most of the night again. Didn't go crazy with the vodka but I have asked Dh not to buy any until I'm feeling a bit better. It's just not a good idea. My next door neighbours have woken me up doing building work! Do they really need to start so early on a Sunday morning? They only moved in last year and I loved my last ndn who had lived there when we moved in 14 years ago. I miss them. They were older than us but we for on so well. So far this week, the new ndn have had noisy building work everyday, he's been working in the garden with other men and swearing loudly (not just mild swear words) and parking their car/van straight across our drive (if they asked first, I wouldn't mind) oh and last night their daughter was outside with a huge gang of teenagers, screaming and swearing and generally being a pain for about an hour. I don't have the tolerance for them at the moment.
At least Dh is off this week.

Morning, glad you had a good sleep. It makes so much difference. I managed a few hours so feeling OK too. Went out for coffee and cake with the crisis team yesterday which was great to get out of the house plus I love hot frothy coffee. They are really trying hard to sort stuff out for me. I am lucky because I have seen them so much they know me very well - they stick to just a few people (rather than someone different each time because they know I won't talk to anyone I don't know) so I feel I can really talk to them. When do you see the crisis team again ikea? Hope you manage to get on with them.
I do hope you have the energy to do a scrapbook - I am definitely not good with arts or crafts but I know loads of people get a real lift from art therapy. Sounds like your MIL is awesome - mine was too. Shame about your new neighbours - especially when you got on so well with the old ones. Can your dh talk to them about the noise so early on a Sunday? Not an easy conversation to start but might be the beginning of a better relationship. Sorry to hear about your friends husband too - know what you mean about the hospital, I would never go back voluntarily either. Hope the police involvement does not affect future jobs - if it does I am seriously stuffed as have been picked up loads of times. Try not to worry about it now.
I managed to cook fish pie for tea - frozen fish mix and ready made mash but it tasted good and felt like an achievement.
More chilling today as the weather is horrible - do you have any plans?