Dh is away and yet again, I'm sinking...

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Again. My brain feels overloaded and I'm so, so tired. The horrible thoughts are back (although they're just thoughts and I have no plans)
Dh is away for a couple of nights with work and even when I'm well, I find it hard but when I feel like this it's just so overwhelming. My plan tomorrow is to take the kids to school then go back to bed. I just want to shut out the world and stop my brain from thinking. I am so terrified that I'm going backwards and that I'll end up in hospital again. I couldn't go back there. They'd have to section me first.
I am a complete failure as a wife and as a mother. I really, truly hate myself.
I'm sinking again aren't I?

Yuck! Had a horrible couple of hours. Went back to sleep and had all sorts of vivid dreams/hallucinations. Had to force myself awake and speak to my friend to get back in the real world. Still feel very wobbly and like I could go back to sleep but I need to stay awake. At one point there was a man in the middle of my kitchen but it was all in my head! I vaguely remember similar things last time I took it, certainly for the first few days.
I have to do something about this anxiety though - the mirtazapine alone just isn't cutting it and I feel like it's crippling me. I feel like I'm drowning but I don't know which way to turn.

Sorry to keep posting but there's just me and the dc here and I'm trying to keep it together. I did manage to make tea (only pizza so I messed up my healthy eating but it's better than nothing) I want to speak to Dh but he's probably still in meetings so I'll have to wait for him to phone me. I don't know when I became this person who is so dependent and needy
Just had a message from two friends about meeting up for dinner next week and I've had to say I'm not sure. I don't think I can face it. They're two of my oldest friends and they're lovely and have been absolutely fine about it but I just feel like I don't want to see anyone and certainly not out of the house. I have to go to work but other than that, I just want to stay at home. My dsd has a big birthday coming up next week and there are plans for about 20 of us to go out together but I've told Dh I don't think I can go. I can't believe I'm even considering letting her down but I just can't do it
I don't know how to fix any of this.

You've done well OP - you and DC are fed now I want a pizza and you've gotten in touch with DP, which is the right thing to do. He'll call when he can.

I had a similar experience when my DP was away and I had a really, really anxious time (combination of messed-up medication and some stressful events). I rang him up (he was in the States) and told him he had better get in touch with me more often - I needed him to check in. I'll bet you support him too, when he needs it.

Don't worry about next week for now - one hour, then day at a time, and you can evaluate what you go to later on / closer to the time.

I also second PP re GP and a medication review if you feel you need it.

Oh, you aren't dependant or needy, you are just going through a really tough time. It's OK to show people you are vulnerable at the minute. Most people will want to help and support you however they can, even if you feel that's not the case. Just do what's right for you at the minute. You are doing really well.

Thanks. Just spoke to dh. He said we'll fill the new dr forms in when he's back tomorrow and send them in ASAP then I can see a go for a review.
I don't know what they can do though. I don't feel like I can get better. I thought I was getting somewhere but I wasn't - it was all a big act - I even fooled myself for a while. I feel like giving up.

I don't feel like I can get better.

I recognise this - this is depression talking.

But just as I think I'm getting somewhere, I just spiral again. I would rather die than end up back in that hell hole that was the hospital. I can't do it again. I really can't.

But you don't have to go to hospital Ikea - I think last time you were ok about going in, but it must have been a crap place as I remember you were desperate to get out. I think one of the problems with depression/anxiety is that it recurs - just as we think we're ok it comes and hits us on the back of the neck again. I'm still dithering about ECT - half of me is tempted given they reckon there is a 70% success rate (and I could have my life back) and half of me is scared of memory loss. Have you thought about it?

Last time, they sold it to me that I could rest and get my meds right. As soon as we arrived the ward was in chaos and I changed my mind but they threatened to keep me on a section and I couldn't face that. I have huge control issues anyway so there was no way I was letting that happen.
The three people I know of were my friend's grandma - her daughter told me it took quite a few sessions but was a miracle cure for her mum, my uncle (my auntie only told me about it when I was first ill and again, she said it was a miracle) and my friend's dad who went from being suicidal to managing to live on his own again. It's not something I've ever been offered and like you, I'm not sure what I'd say.
I'm absolutely bored of myself.

I think the thing about ECT is that many years ago it was the standard treatment for depression, before ADs were readily available. When I was an IP I actually saw people get better before my eyes - it was astonishing, it's just this damn memory loss that worries me.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight. Is DH back tomorrow?

My friend has been round for a brew. I think she was actually just checking I was ok as she knows Dh is away. Im very lucky that I have some lovely friends. I told my best friend that I'm struggling and she's obviously spoken to her lovely Dh as I just got a text from him that just said "just a little text to send you my love". My sister has also text me tonight just to say she's here and if I need anything, just to ask. I'm so very lucky, I just wish I could enjoy it

Here goes another day, I'm up, kids are up, we're dressed. Just keep swimming...

Well done.
What's the plan for today!

Work today. I'm still phasing back so I'm only in til 1.30. Just need to trowel the make up on because my eyes look awful. Once I'm in and busy, it's not too bad. I'm just frightened of having a panic attack/crying. I have a system in place with hr though and only 2 days til half term

Just one more day to get through. Today was ok but I am so tired - how can I be so exhausted after just 4 hours of work? I really don't know how I'm going manage full days. Why is this so very hard?

Ikea, you are almost there - well done.

Please take a moment to acknowledge how much strength it took to get through the last few days and that you Did It.

It sounds like a medication review would be a very good idea - so many meds rely on being taking very regularly, take weeks to kick in properly and have side effects that wear off with time and if taken regularly.
One off Quetiapine is very likely to just sedate you but do little else for your anxiety.

Just to repeat, you are worth all the support and kindness others are offering you, you will get better and you feeling worthless is the illness talking and NOT fact.

Thank you Pacific. Dh is half an hour away!
I'm very, very wobbly tonight, can't seem to control the shaking, I need to see the gp I think and you're right about the quetiapine. I need to take it properly or not at all. Just one more day to get through. Highlight of my day was seeing the face light up of a particularly difficult pupil, who I've been working one to one with, when he saw that our previous week's work had paid off. He actually said, "I couldn't have answered that question last week!" (Maths) Reminded, albeit briefly, of why I enjoy what I do!

Aw, well done, I hope you have properly acknowledged and allowed yourself to take credit for what your pupil was telling you: "I could not have done it without you, Miss!"
Wishing you a good weekend when it comes

Oh well, spoke to soon, had to be sent home from work, couldn't stop shaking and crying. Had a panic attack before work and then just fell apart when I got there. On the upside, Dh has managed to get me a Dr's appointment at a new GP surgery for this afternoon! This is just so shit though. Feel like I've fallen at the last hurdle.

You poor thing. Listen, this is more likely a symptom of trying to do too much before you are properly well and back to your usual self. Also your system is managing new meds. So give yourself a break. Maybe you are actually doing OK, all things considered.

Thanks Sadie, I'm just so frightened that things are going backwards. I can't seem to pull myself together at all. I'm lying here on the sofa, just crying, not sobs, just tears and I can't stop them. I so sick of it.

Ikea I absolutely agree with Sadie - I think you've pushed yourself too far.....and as for "can't seem to pull myself together" - of course you can't, no more than you could mend a broken leg. That's the sort of comment that ignorant people make who don't understand mental illness -is DH home this afternoon. Let us know how you get on with the new GP. Sometimes when I read what you do when you are feeling so crap I just wonder how in god's name you do it..............so many days I can only lie on the sofa wishing I wasn't here. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks Nana, yes Dh has just arrived home so he can go to Dr's with me. Just hope this gp is better than the last one. Oh and believe me, there have been many days over these last few months when I haven't done anything but lie on sofa. Hope you're feeling ok today.

Hey....just wanted to reveal my 'good mum' method, which is to do one thing every day that makes YOU feel like a good mum. (It needn't benefit the kids at all tbh, just make you feel like the kind of mum you want to be). So, I would do stuff like take one good photo, one that looks like a good memory even if it's just a set up....or, feed them something that makes me feel smug as a mum, say....one tin of lentil soup with enough cheese to sink a battleship mixed in or make a new Pinterest board with fun ideas on it for summer. I've done this for three years now, and every night I can lie down, and mentally tick off mothering as done for the day, even if in truth they watched to till their eyes bled.

Thanks Dagger, one thing I reckon I can do. I'll certainly try it. Anything to make me feel less of a failure.