childhood sexual abuse

[iamasurvivor]

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

Elvisgirl, when I got pregnant with my ds I was really scared that I would not be able to love him because of my past history, but I can assure as I would have thought most women on here you can and do love your child. I cant believe the state I allowed myself to get into when I was told I was having a son. Once your child is here all those feelings just go away - certainly for me they did anyway. Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy and just know that you will love and adore whatever sex child you have.You have managed to avoid allowing any negative thoughts to get in the way of your everyday living and happiness so far so try to continue what ever it was that you were doing. Being pregnant should be a happy time and even more so when baby gets here. Good luck to you.

elvisgirl, i didnt get asked any questions like that during my pregnancy.

i did go through a period of feeling very overprotective of my dd but came to realise that it is unfair and unnecessary to be so suspicious of everyone, there has to be an element of trust in other people because your LO wont always be by your side ie when they go to nursery, childminder etc.

enjoy your pregnancy and your baby when it comes along, and in the meantime should you need to talk, you are amongst friends here!

SAL - i got your email, keep in touch, good news about the move.

I didn't get asked anything like that and pregnancy was never a problem for me. All the examinations etc felt purely medical and it never gave me any cause for concern. I have never had awful flashbacks though, just day dreams (if you can call them that) where I re-live things that happened or times when I dwell on it too much and can't make myself think about anything else.

Having a child was a different matter. He will grow up with some sort of contact with my abuser. I know I will never leave DS alone with him but I am sure that they will know one another. It makes me feel sick.

I hope that, given that you have coped so well so far, you will get through this. Enjoy your pregnancy - expect to be fiercely protective of you LO and give yourself a break. Help is there if you need/ want it. And we are always here too.

x

Thanks for the supportive posts. I am trying to enjoy the pregnancy more now but I'm classed as high risk & had some probs so that made me extra anxious. I had read somewhere that problems with reproductive organs and pregnancy can be due to destructive energy from abuse turned inwards or something like that so of course I couldn't help thinking that any issues were as a result of my past even though I don't normally believe in that kind of thing.
I definitely know what you mean AMU about not being able to stop thinking about things. When I was worrying about getting flashbacks I found myself trying to remember exactly what happened to me as if it would "soften up" the effect of any potential flashbacks, daft as that sounds! I found some things I couldn't remember so I was concerned sbout what might have happened in those gaps & couldn't stop dwelling on it. Hopefully over this "blip" now - it helps to just get things out so thanks for the thread.

Iamasurvivor - your mums reaction is very very 'normal' - it can take years for women to come to terms with this. I can probably give you some info you might find helpful, but would prefer not to via public message. My email is [email protected].

so its been 10 months now since i disclosed everything to my mum, and 7 months since we last had contact.

am wondering whether to send her christmas card with photo of my dd (although i cant stand the thought that HE will see it), or whether to not bother seeing as how she was the one who broke contact in the first place?????????

I would send the card and photo - and then make sure you stay in touch for her birthday and christmas. You have done nothing to be ashamed of - low key but regular contact I think is the right way to go. But regardless, you must go with your gut instincts.

think will send her a christmas card and see how that goes

I think you are very dignified Iamasurvivor.

thank you, i never have been one to bear grudges and i dont have a grudge against my mum, just her husband

The first thing I would say is to go to the police, what he did is wrong and getting him to prison will go a long way towards your healing. What if he has already done this to others or worse is currently doing this. I know it;s hard to think of it but you have a responsibility to protect other children. You are an adult know, he can not hurt you any more. He will most likely deny so let the police deal with him. For your healing I would recommend The Journey by Brandon Bays, I found this has been the most help to me and my mother. You have a loving husband he will support you with whatever you choose. Sending you love.

thanks for your post lewisdragon, i did go to the police earlier on this year, he of course denied everything and after months of waiting and making statements the CPS decided that it wasnt worth taking the case to court. so unfortunately i didnt get the result i was hoping for, despite going through the wringer and losing half of my family in the process i dont regret for a second that i reported him.

cant believe it has been almost a year since i started this thread. the response i got was both shocking (because so many of you had had similar circumstances) but also incredibly humbling because of all the support i got. i just want to express a huge thanks to all of those who replied and shared their own stories, i really feel like i have been on a journey with you.

i am hoping that this christmas will be much better than last years (i think it will be) and i hope that you all keep checking in from time to time to let us know how you are doing.

i am always happy to talk privately so pleaes feel free to email me on [email protected]. {{{{{{{Big hugs to you all}}}}}}

Good god iamasurvivor. I am pretty new to mumsnet and I'm usually lurking on the antenatal threads.

I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I am now trained and qualified as a counsellor also.

Tragically my daughter was abused by her grandfather, and at the same time her father (my ex) was abusing my neice. It was rife in our family/extended family.

My daughter disclosed, there was a trial, and my ex father in law went to prison for 3.5 years.My ex went to prison for 4 months too. My daughter was 9, and she was amazing. there was only my FIL word against hers but the jury was unanimous in their guilty verdict.

We are now rebuilding our lives, I have remarried, dd, well, I watch her like a hawk.. but life is on the up. I have a wonderful understanding husband and another baby on the way. My heart goes out to all who have been victims - sexual abuse steals childhood away but it needn't necessarily take away your future. I have had lots of therapy btw!

The main problem when discolsing is denial. But denial is what gets everyone into the mess in the first place. iamasurvivor - Your mother's unconscious knows it's true, she just won't bring it to awareness, too much at stake.

iamasurvivor - or anyone - if you need to message me please do. My circumstances were so bizarre that it has been confusing even for my very experienced therapist But there was always light at the end of the tunnel. Be kind to yourself. You are a wonderful mother.

I wish I had been around when this thread started up

xxx

(formerly iamasurvivor) thanks for your support horsygirl, spookily i am also qualified counsellor (although not practising at present) and i think it was my situation that led along that path.

i do believe that my mum chooses not to believe my story because the reality would be too horrible to contemplate. being my mother, she's knows that i am a good, decent and honest person who would never dream to lie about something so horrendous, yet despite that she chose to be loyal to him.

so sorry to hear about your own situation, and that of your daughter and niece. glad that their abusers at least got sentenced, but angry at the leniency of their sentences.

it still shocks and saddens me how common stories such as ours are.

i to am always happy to talk to anyone privately. big hugs to all xxxxx

saw my mum yesterday in woolworths, but she had obviously seen me first because i only saw the back of her scurrying away. when i got over my initial shock i was really annoyed that she had had an opportunity to at least speak to her grandaughter but she chose not to.

up to yesterday i was going to send her a christmas card with a photo of dd but she wont be getting one now.

horsygirl, how awful. I'm glad that the men involved were sentenced but I can't help feeling that they got away lightly. It is wonderful to hear that things are going well for you - it is always nice to be reminded that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

and at your mum, glitter, not just that she ignored you but that she chose to avoid her granddaughter. I hope she feels suitable ashamed.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

i have been in the same situation mine was from 9-15yrs old by neighbour whom was best buds with my dad so couldnt tell anyone then when at age of 14 it suddenly stopped later on found he was doing it to my sister then my other sister he just went through us all till one of sisters stood up to him and got it stopped. we later found out he got his own daughter pregnant and made her marry her cousin now they have a child
really sad how these people get away with this sort of thing im now 37yrs old with my 6th child on way.found relationships hard at first then time got better but it still haunts me from time to time.

am finding things hard at the moment, when i want to be talking to my mum about christmas etc

iamasurvivor, I have not read all your posts and have had more than enough glasses of wine but had to speak to you.

I was 6 when I was abused by the son of my childminder. She was also my mums best fried. I felt, at 6, that I had destroyed my families life and ruined everything. Guilt engulfed me as a child and it was only after my parents, siblings, families constant reassurance that i realised I was the strongest out of them all.

Whether you are 6 or 36, that doesnt change.

Tell, Tell, Tell!! This is not your shame or your secret, the fact you have survived this horrific time is your proud and strong moment.

You are the one in control.

Am in Glasgow if you are close by and even want to chat xx

I know 2007 has been a really hard year for some of us but I wanted to come here and say a few things. I'm tired so it won't be as eloquent and inspired as I would like but...

Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories and supported us through all of this. I know it is heartbreaking to read some of the posts on her and it is just as difficult to write them at times. Knowing that there are other women who have been through what I have and are doing their very best to make the most of their lives has been of great comfort to me this year.

May 2008 be kind to us and allow us to focus on the good in our lives.

You are all wonderful. I don't post on this thread much but I do think of you.

x

I would just like to say ditto. Everyone who has had a story to tell, and everyone who has yet to find the courage, is an amazing and incredible person. We all deserve only the good in life. And, eventually, we will all get there. Until then, courage, love and patience to you all xxx

hi all, just caught this thread. was abused when I was 6 (just the once), had counselling which kind of helped, then was dateraped 11 years ago and fell to bits. Had counselling, antipressants etc etc but got better, managed to put in the past and get on with life.

feeling a bit low since birth of ds but found lots of excuses (was tired, he wasn't sleeping, my asthma was bad) but have now faced up to the fact that I have depression again. went to my gp (who is lovely) and he told me that my file says I am psychotic, because of when I was on antidepressants last time. Naturally this has just made me think on and on about all the other stuff that happened and am feeling like a big heap of poo at the moment - much worse than when I went in!! Anyway, just so as you know I'm with you all - think those who have reported to the police are very brave. I didn't have the energy or the nerve to report either time. sorry so many families haven't been supportive - I think it's not uncommon. Mind wasn't either, but I live in a different country to them now, so we just trundle along in a superficial way.

Elvisgirl, don't worry about your baby - I was worried before having my boy, but he is completely fab, and I love him to bits.

Hi whateverhappened.

I have also been told at some point that I was psychotic. Turned out not to be true but made me feel even more depressed than I was. Hope things start to get better for you soon.

I don't know if anyone checks this thread any more but, if you do, can any of you help with this? Please

thanks abitmessedup - off to the doctor on wednesday again, so am going to see what I can do about it. really appreciate you answering.