childhood sexual abuse

[iamasurvivor]

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

sorry all I havent kept up with this thread at all..will have a read when DC have gone to bed.

Feeling a bit fed up but will post why later.

Oh feck just seen last time I posted was 10mins before my nan died..having one of those weird days today

IAS,once again thank you for starting this thread. No one could tell me where to find a support group for people like myself, those who not only having been abused themselves but then go on to find themselves married to a paedophile(i hate that word so much-it makes me feel sick). I just typed in my husband is a *** sorry cant bring myself to say it again and I eventually found you guys. The support you all offer each other showed me that not only was I not on my own but here was a group of people who knew how I was feeling. When my ex was sentenced the case was reported in the local papers, coming home from work I was so scared, I had to sit next to people carrying those very papers and I felt like they were all looking at me it was as though they could read my thoughts. By the time I got to my friends house I was hysterical. That fear will live with me the rest of my life. Those people do not know just how much they ruin the lives of others. My abusers are out there doing whatever they like, my ex will be out in Oct with all sorts of agencies looking after him. I have had to fight continually to get anything for us. It makes me so upset and angry..... Have ramble long enough.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} to everyone.

One last thing what does 'cat' mean - computer novice in town guys sorry....

{{hugs}} Nemo - I know you've had a really hard time recently.

Scaredandlonely - I was wondering if you are on meds? I know there are other ways of dealing with depression and all the feelings that go with being abused but meds can really help.

The word peadophile is a hard one for me to hear too. When I was first talking to my counsellor about all of this, he said "well, you're right to be cautious about your DS having contact with your abuser - once a paedophile, always a paedophile. I had never thought of my step-father that way and it made me feel sick. It's totally true but it makes it seem so much more real.

I cannot imagine how hard it is to see your story in the papers and to live in terror of you ex being released. It is hard to understand how perpetrators get such good support yet the victims have to live the rest of their lives struggling with the aftermath of what happened. Although people learn to cope with their feelings, I don't think this is something anyone can truly get over. You just learn to live with it. That makes me angry too.

CAT means Contact another Mumsnetter. I think if you click on the envelope next to their name (to the right) on each post, you can send people an email. I don't know if it works if you have namechanged, which a few of us have done. I keep thinking I am going to 'come out' and post under my regular name but each time, something stops me. I don't know why...

Doctor put me on meds but I hurt my ankle last year and was all sorts of painkillers for that, steroids (and painkillers) for my asthma (i cough so badly, I fractured 3 ribs one year) and it just felt like endless pill popping and after the last time I tried to end my life I have found it so hard to keep taking pills. The pain in ankle has stopped me needing pills just recently but ended up with a gynae problem requiring more pills, that healed then asthma went crazy this least few weeks so yet more pills. So all in been on pills continually for nearly a year. So had enough stopped taking the anti dep meds - prob not a good idea just could not handle anymore pills. Felt like a smartie tube! But now my health is settling down maybe now is the time to go back on them.

And you have taught me the something new for the day. Lol. Now I no what cat means!

As you can imagine feel betrayed by my husband, my family and my own body....Still one day I will be normal. Get the health problems over now maybe I will be healthy as an old woman! I can live in hope girls, lol.

Hey, there you are S&L - you said 'hope'

I hate taking meds but I ended up in a life or death situation and have been taking 6 different psychotropic meds (ADs & the like) over the past 4 months and am now on 4 different pills a day. My bathroom cabinet looks like a pharmacy! I wouldn't chose to be like this but my mind and brain seemed to have given up on me and I desperately needed the meds to help get me back on track. I am now weaning down to just 1 or 2 a day and, hopefully, that and therapy will help me sort my head out and become more of a 'normal' person again. It'll be a long haul but I have to live in hope that one day I'll be ok.

It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that the people who should have protected you and taken care of you let you down. And, when your body gives up on you, it does make you wonder what the point of it all is. But the point for us is our kids. That is why we are all here - in life and on this thread. Because we are mummies whose babies need us. And we have to do what we can to make sure that we can be good parents.

x

I guess in that respect I am lucky I 'was' on 1 anti dep table and 2 tablets to supposedly help me sleep! Needless to say they did not work the anti dep pill seemed to start working then like an idiot I stopped taking it. You live and learn I guess. GP gave me medication, the shrink I see as a cursory check up every 3 months til everything kicks in was very uhappy with sleeping pills he wanted me off them. Oh well, no one seems to know what they doing round here.

As for my kids I have to get myself sorted out it really isnt fair on them seeing me the way that I am.

Only read the OP so far but I can't tell you enough how brave you are in doing this and starting to deal with what you went through.

I know a bit about you as you have posted on my threads before so I hope I can help you in some way.

My sil told me and my husband last september what she went through from age 4-17 with her dad - truly horrific. 2 days later she found out for the first time after 30 years that he had done the same to her little sister. Massive trauma and upset in the family. Few months later went to the police, long old process of interviews and video statements etc. He denied everything and said they are making it all up.

He is then charged on 48 counts and in court he pleads not guilty to all 28 (they condense them) charges of assault, rape and buggery). On bail now until the crown court hearing later in the year.

Both have found it difficult, I won't lie and say it isn't a tough thing to tell. They had many years of living a lie, seeing him regularly, pretending he was a great dad etc. Its a big step to take but they have found it liberating and as though they have broken free. He made them so scared when they were children that they took all those years to tell! Well, I kind of forced the issue as I had some suspicion and said she had a duty towards my children not to have them at risk.

I will forever be indebted to her for telling us, god knows what I would have done if she hadn't of told us and he did it to our girls.

Your step father is a sick evil freak and he could be doing it to someone else so for that reason you should report him to the police. they have been marvellous and made a very painful process bearable.

Mum is a different issue. They plucked up the courage to tell her and she has rejected the oldest mainly and hasn't even mentioned it ever again to either of them or her son. I dont' think she believes them but on the other hand I understand what a big thing it is for her to accept and comes to terms with. That is still an issue.

If you are going to go to the police then there will be fallout. It may damage other relationships you have, like the one you have with your mum. Your feelings should come first and foremost but sadly that may not always be the case. You need to be prepared for that, and that you may lose people along the way. BUT, remember you are doing it for the right reasons - to stop him from doing it to anyone else ever again.

You don't have to rush into making decisions, take things slowly and keep asking for support.

I hope this helps, I am being completely honest as I would never want to fool anyone into thinking it will be an easy ride. I am of course hoping to have a positive thread on here about a conviction in the future.

Do you know what felt really good - knowing he was at home yesterday with no fathers day cards or presents as his children all hate the vile creature he really is.

Just read that you have a fab husband and lovely little girl. You so deserve happiness, they are the ones who will get you through this.

Doh - sorry, as you can tell I am passionate about this subject and got carried away. Saw the title, read the OP, didn't check the date - I am so sorry. This is the thread I posted on ages ago too!

Sorry again, I am sorry that it didn't go any further with the CPS. It is difficult if its only one against one. I hope your are coping with that, you did the right thing and you still have that fab husband and beautiful little girl.

If your post makes someone else have the courage to deal with childhood abuse then its been worth it

thanks for your kind words HM. every day is different for me at the moment, yesterday felt fine but then was crying in bed at 3am this morning, not triggered by any thing in particular, just thinking about stuff. then other days i feel like crap and enormously let down by our shite justice system, justice ha! thats a laugh.
as far as everyone else is concerned it is case closed now but i am struggling to accept that there is no end result.
i came off my AD's 2 weeks ago, my choice but in hindsight think i was a bit premature so am thinking of going back on them.

it is unacceptable for me to be crying on my 3 yr old daughters shoulder, she doesnt understand why mummy is sad. i feel like i am grieving for my mum which is difficult when i now she is alive and well and living only a few miles away. sorry for going on a bit but not having a good day today

Dreadful for you, all of it. So sad too that you haven't had the closure you deserve.

Maybe with time you will start to come to terms with it all and be able to live a happy life with your little girl and husband. You don't have to pretend anymore. Very sad about your mum, tragic in fact but that is her failing not yours - she has made a choice. You have undoubtedly done the right thing by reporting it.

Hopefully he will suffer in some way in his life. You can't change what has happened but you have a lot to enjoy in life.

Good idea about going back on the tablets, they will help you cope whilst you recover and build up your strength.

Don't feel too bad about crying with your daughter, she doesn't understand and thats a good thing. Just tell her that mummy is sad today and crying helps make her feel better. She will be resiliant and not have the depth of understanding that an adult would so don't worry too much about that aspect.

sorry to gatecrash, but been reading some of your posts and ive never been able to talk to anyone. i was abused by my next door neighbour (was like a father to me) from age 8 dont know when it stopped. i think his wife knew cos when i stayed in their house he would come into my room, then i would hear them argue and she would have black eyes and stuff next morning. i blame myself for another girl getting abused once because i was so scared of being on my own i made her come with me. she went to the police 15 years later and they came to see me (i thought he was dead) imagine my shock, i had the chance to take him to court and i was to chicken. now because of me there are prob other little girls going through this hell. that makes me worse than him in my eyes. at 1 point i thought it was all in my head. i cant understand how any mother would put some man before her children, i would always believe my kids no matter what.

Chucky - don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your abuse and that of others is HIS fault and HIS fault only - never anyone elses.

Its not too late to deal with this. You can still go to the police and if you think other children are at risk now then you do have a duty of care. If your actions stop him hurting another child then that is good, whatever happens.

There are various accounts on here of experiences of those who have been to the police. Sadly not all are positive as there isn't always enough evidence to prosecute but it doesnt' mean it didnt' happen.

Sadly also is that some mums do stand by their man and can't/won't see/believe what happened. I too can't understand how a mother could reject her own children and stand by a man who is a paedophile. Part of it I think is about the mum admitting her life/memories have been a sham as well as probably guilt for not knowing or being able to protect her girls from harm. Imagine how hard that news would be to come to terms with and accept after potentially years of a 'normal' and 'happy' life. I phsychiatrist could probably explain theories better though!

Its not too late to get help either from your GP or a crisis centre or survivors of abuse service etc plus you can post on here for tips and emotional support.

I am very to hear that you went through such a dreadful time too.

Having been abused and now the soon to be ex wife of a paedophile it is very difficult in trying to get your head around the fact the man you thought was your not only your husband and best friend etc is actually yours and your children's enemy. In amongst all the meetings I had with the police and other agencies last year so many harsh things were said. I felt on occasions that I was under attack. The very 1st conference I had was probably the worst. I got so upset and all but shouted at them how do you protect your kids from the enemy within, when you have no idea that, that person is an enemy. You have to go from loving them to hating them and I can only describe it as though turning of a light switch. We all know its not that easy turning off our emotions. But somewhere in that confusion in my head never once did I not believe my daughter. I may have been incredibly confused but to turn against her was just never going to happen. I like to believe because of that attitude has allowed so far for my daughter to hell her wounds and will hopefully not suffer like we have and still are.

My abusers are still out there roaming free but at least my daughters abuser is not at least thats one good thing. Temporarily one less dreadful (polite word, in private I use something very different)person out there to cause anymore harm.

Thats a really useful insight. I think you are marvellous to support your daughter in the way you have by believing her.

Its a very sad thing you have been through and a massive life changing experience for everyone. Well done for getting through it and putting your daughter first - as that is what you have ultimately done.

Oh believe me I'm not through it HM, along with my own background in terms of having been abused myself and now in trying to help my daughter not suffer like I have and still am has been so incredibly hard. I just feel so unwanted and worthless along with the rest of my thoughts and feelings as I'm pretty sure most people around here can relate to. Finally today some of my counselling has started. I can help my daughter with her wounds but I dont know how to heal my own. Think if I could do that I would wave the magic wand over everyone on here. I am hoping that one day I can look back and say yes I'm healed and its all in the past forever where it all belongs.

thanks hm, i phoned the police a few years ago and they told me it was to long ago to do anything, just felt like they couldnt be bothered with the paperwork, i hope to god the dirty f**ker is dead and he suffered. scaredand lonely how did you cope going through that with your daughter, i dont know how i would cope if that happened to my kids, my daughter is only 3 and i keep going on at her about telling me the truth and not to keep secrets, im sure people think im mad but having been through abuse i would not wish it on my worst enemy. if yous dont mind me asking how is your sex life with your partners, my oh is lucky to get it twice a year, he knows what happened but he doesnt seem to understand why im not ripping his clothes off every opportunity. i cant seem to get him to understand. its so frustrating.

hi chucky, that is bollocks what the police told you, i waited 17 yrs to report my abuser.
my sex life has been anything but healthy until the last year really. when the abuse stopped when i was 17, i became really promiscuous, not because i liked sex but because in my screwed up head sex = love, i thought i had to have sex with a guy to make him like me. i had a number of 1 night stands, and often got myself into potentially dangerous situations i.e. going with a guy round the back of a nightclub, let one guy i didnt even know give me a lift home. its only by gods grace that i am still living to tell the tale.
even when i met my husband although the sex itself was good, at times i used to get flashbacks and it stopped becoming enjoyable and i would use any excuse not to have sex. other times i would become vacant, almost as if my mind was somewhere else, which is what i did when i was being abused.

things are a lot better now, since i told my husband about the abuse he has been so much more understanding, and if i say no he doesnt push it. i do think some of my own lack of libido is just down to being a mum and completely knackered most of the time, but being abused affects all aspects of your life, especially the physical side.
can you talk to your fella about it, will he understand that just because you dont want to have sex, doesnt mean you dont love him.
i think its hard for men sometimes because for them sex is a physical act, whereas for us its an emotional connection as well. they dont always understand that the more they pressure us the more we back off. tell him you love him and you still fancy him (if you do) but that sometimes you would just like a cuddle without it going any further. once you start to feel comfortable with that degree of intimacy, the rest might fall in to place.
also i am a stubborn and defiant bugger, i wasnt going to let my abuser continue to control me subconciously by letting him ruin what should be a normal and loving act between two people.
keep posting honey and let us know how you are doing xx

how is everybody doing???
nemo
abitmessedup
scaredandlonely
chucky
havin gatoughtime

and anyone else i may have missdeed out???

thanks for that hun, i went through a stage were i shagged anyone, exactly the same as you thought that was the only way to get men to like me or communicate with men. I wish i had found this site a long time ago its quite liberating being able to talk about this and knowing there are people who understand, you are very brave ladies and men if there are any on here. Im going to speak to doc about lack of libido i think it could be having kids youngest is 5 1/2 months, not expecting miracle cure but might have some answers. might be a raving nympho by xmas lol. (or maybe not). have to laugh sometimes or you would grind yourself into the ground. take care everyone. xxx

i have found this site very liberating because i feel i can talk quite candidly without being judged. hope you are all keeping yourselves well {{{{{hugs}}}}

I've just had a counselling session and I hate life so much right. I hate it when people say life will get better cause for me that just seems to a be a bad joke. I get abused then end up marrying a paedo. And I'm supposed to believe things will get better, Not in my experience it doesn't. I really feel life just is not worth living.