childhood sexual abuse

[iamasurvivor]

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

NOTANOTTER i am always happy for anyone to CAT me to talk privately, and i will always reply as quickly as i can

sat here in tears!!!

you brave courageous people!!!! i really hope that with more and more people speaking out that we put paid to the mums/women who side with husbands/fathers!!!

i know my children inside out and know that i would believe them wholeheartedly!!!

i think we are lucky in this generation that we are aware this happens and can speak to our children about secrets and being afraid that they come to us with any little/big problem or concern!!!!

you speaking out is doing society the world of good by showing yourself as a survivor!!!!

i hope each and everyone of you find some solace in reporting/getting it out into the open.

good luck

wise words pink x

Thanks for the update iamasurvivor.
I have a watch on this thread and often pop back, sounds like you are doing do well. Shame about your Mum.
Keep strong.

daffodil i noticed to have said earlier that you work in this area of investigation? in your opinion what are the chances of it going to court!! case worker has told me to prepare myself for the fact that it might not, which i have done but just wondered on what basis the CPS make their decesion

I don't know how it would be emotionally, but if it doesn't go to court you could perhaps take out a civil prosecution? The burden of proof is lower than a criminal trial. I would hate to think of this man getting away with it. Thinking of you.

thank you cazee, i am quite a realistic person and i realise that the CPS may think that its not worth the time and money to take to court given the lack of evidence. have thought that even if it doesnt go to court, HE now realises that a significant amount of people will have some seeds of doubt about him and that he will no longer be seen in the same way. the biggest heartache for me is loosing my mum, even though i have wonderful husband and daughter, and my mother in law has been fantastically supportive. none of that can replace the way i felt and still feel about my mum.

I think the more people that support your allegation the better the chance of a prosecution, esp if they can corroborate what you say - not necessarily if they witnessed abuse but if they witnessed you being upset or if you told them anything at the time.
Some cases are run just on one persons evidence against another. It is difficult to predict. Cat me if you like - but bear with me as I am a bit techno slow!

thanks for getting back to me dafodil i will cat u soon xx

just had my case worker round she has told me that cps arent taking it to court due to lack of evidence. although they believe my story, because there where no witnesses or no one to corroborate it they have decided to take no further action. HE wont find this out until june. i am disappointed especially because i have spent most of my life keeping this dirty horrendous secret and now that seems to have gone against me.
some family members that have been questioned have confirmed that they did visit the house frequently but that they equally cant confirm that i was never left alone with him.
case worker said not to look at this as a victory for him as he will never have the opportunity to clear his name.
please dont let this put any one else off reporting these dirty filthy scum because i have never regretted for a moment that i did. i am a firm believer in what goes around comes around, and he will be judged and punished for this one day.

Survivor - have read thread, sending you the biggest hug possible. I can't possibly begin to imagine the disappointment, disgust, anger with the system that you must be feeling. You definitely did the right thing in reporting the abuse and I wish you all the very best in continuing your path.

iamasurvivor i am so sad for you but you do sound strong
did any of it go in the paper at all?
someone told me that once it itsreported to the police - although he is not going to be on the sex offenders register=hw WILL be on a list somewhere
does that make you feel any better
they will know you are right and if he ever does anything in the future -your accusations will be flagged up
there are lists and there are lists
how do you feel in yourself?

iamasurvivor, sorry to hear your news.
It is important to remeber that you still did the right thing and that you have been believed. He knows that you have stood up to him and are not keeping his 'secret' anymore.
He has lost his power over you now.
Those around him who know about this will always have a doubt in the back of their minds.
Please don't see this as a negative, it is a blow but you are strong enough to move on from it.
Good Luck to you.X

thank you all for your kind messages, it has been a big disappointment but i can and will get over it. i am blessed in that i have a great circle of friends, an amazing husband and daughter and my mother in law has been more of a mum to me than my own has through this.
when i first started this thread i really was at rock bottom and i have gone through hell and back to get where i am now but i dont regret a moments heartache because not only do people see HIM differently now, whether they believe him or not, but i have also learnt that you never really know people until you need them most. i have always been there with my family whether it was money, a place to stay or just some advice but they have let me down in the worst way possible. i have to accept that i may never have a relationship with my mum again and although in time i will learn to accept it i know it will take a long time for it to sink in.
in a way i feel disgusted with her because she has never given me the opportunity to tell my side of the story, i wud have had more respect for her if she had at least given me the benefit of the doubt but instead she was so quick to accept his word, well shame on her because she has to live with that now for the rest of her life.

my love and hugs go out to you all as always,

Hi Ladies

I've been away from MN for a while but thought I'd pop back and check on this thread. I'm so glad to hear the updates but so disappointed that reporting doesn't lead to prosecution. I know there needs to be evidence but ruining someone's life and getting away with it...wtf? I bet that all of us behave in particular ways as a direct result of being abused.

Sorry, I have been struggling with serious depression recently and I am feeling very angry about all of this - my situation and yours - I wish I could be a little more rational about this. I will come back to this thread when I have settled down.

Thank you so much for the updates and kind words... please keep posting on this thread, or maybe even a new one - it is so reassuring to know that you are there. The memories that come back at times are awful and it is good to know someone is out there who understands.

Please take good care of yourselves...

abmu x

hi abmu so sorry to hear that you are still struggling. you have made huge steps even just posting on here. i experienced a lot of flashbacks and they are horrific, just like it is happening all over again. please, please, please dont ever feel like you are alone in this, you are not. if you want to talk more personally please feel free to email me at [email protected]. that goes for anyone else that needs an understanding ear to bend. big hugs to all of you xxxxxxx

Dear iamasurvior

just read this thread and had to post, Your mother's reaction must be very hurtful, but i think very common. My mum was the same i don't think she even believes me, or if she does she really doesn't want to admit it. It is just to hard for her, my abuser was my brother. i lived in silent pain too, and aired it for the same reasons as you, i still see all my family and it's never mentioned but there is a silent understanding that i'm not expected to be civil to my brother, (so i guess they maybe do believe but don't acknowledge in a way you have to get it out to move on and your family may come back eventually. This may sound weird but you sound like you have probably killed your mum with kindness and maybe that makes her feel even more guilty or even makes it harder for her to beleieve.

I guess i wasn't so kind, and if my mum brings up the fact now that i was a troubled teenager i give her a look that says it all. there was a reason i was troubled IYKNIM, she gets this now.

I hope you find a way, it's hard, but you did the right thing

How dreadful but you did the right thing even if just to protect others. There must be some other ways to nail him too. Might he have showed off about it to a close male friend at the time?

Pity we don't subject people to lie detector tests in the UK or they could make him take one.

Also your mother says he was never alone with you but you know your gran didn't stay over - can someone get the grandmother to confirm that if she's still around?

iamasurvivor, you are very brave. You did the right thing - thank you for doing it. I admire your strength to go through this. He is sick, now everyone knows. This burden is not for you alone to bear. I am sorry about your mother denying it - she should have protected you instead. Sometimes I don't know which one is the greater crime.

i never could have believed just how many people have lived through abuse until i started this thread. to have lived with this secret for most of my life is the worst thing i have been through but i now count my blessings because it has brought me closer to so many special people, not just my own circle of friends but all of you that have posted on here. in a weird way i feel like i am a member of some elite group and its our complete understanding and respect for each other that keeps us connected. without doubt the hardest thing that i have experienced in all this is the absolute betrayal i have felt from my mum but she has her own conscience to live with and i now have to get on with my own life and concentrate on continuing to be a good person and a good mum.

xenia my gran passed many years ago but then she was another woman who was prepared for a man to treat her like dirt but never leave, so i am not sure that she would have been an allie for me either.

I don't know anything about it but it's very very difficult and I'm sure you did the right thing even just to help others. Most people who abuse others don't stop and often cannot easily stop. You get men in their 70s still doing it.

I am just trying to imagine if one of my children (3 are at university) came to me tomorrow and said my (ex) husband had abused them for years and may be that I must have known about and tolerated it and why had I done nothing to protect them. What would I do and how would I feel? If it was someone I still lived with and loved and I genuinely had no idea I would have to decide who was lying and who wasn't. We've all seen the films of people who make things up and the fake recovered memory things and we also all know about the many more cases where it really happens. So how do you decide between your child and your husband? It must be terrible for her as well as you. I'd want to think about proof. I'd want to check the GP records from when the girl was little. I'd want to talk to people around at that time to see if they verified it. I'd be wracking my brains to think if there were periods in my own sex life with him which were different. As there is so little to be gained by anyone suddenly saying these things there has be a strong implication the person coming forward is usually telling the truth so as a mother I would obviously have that at the front of my mind too.

I would be amazed teh chidlren said nothing.They tended to tell me all kinds of things and wrote notes, computer entries, things I would expect to have seen, conversations I'd have had with them about sex and men where I would have expected to pick up clues.

And then I suppose as a mother you wonder how you could not protect your child, your principal duty and you failed it.

Sorry xenia I disagree survivor seems to have no reason whatsover to make this up and her mother should now that believe her and support her that is her mothers failing not survivors

I absolutely don't mean she made it up. I was trying to work out how any mother could deal with the issue and trying to think of ideas for proof to convince her mother who must have to decide who is lying - the daughter she loves or the husband she loves and intended to spend the rest of her life with. If we could find a way to prove it to the mother then that would be a big step forward.