childhood sexual abuse

[iamasurvivor]

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

although i cant begin to imagine what you are going through, i can empathise with some of what you may be feeling. at the end of last year i was in a really dark place and i would hate to ever be there again. what helped me was lots of talking with people i trusted, lots of crying!!! and antidepressants.
i can really understand that at times you must feel that if you ended your life then the pain would go away, but that only ends your pain, what about those that you would be leaving behind??
would you really want for your abuser and your husband to still have that much control over you that you would let them beat you. you are stronger than that...i know it wont feel like it right now, and at the risk of sounding cliche tomorrow is another day. your daughter has been through a horrendous experience though she is fortunate that she has you. not only because you have stood by her without any doubts but also because you can truly empathise with what she must have felt.
i have said on this thread before that i read one sentence in a book that completely summed up how i felt last year, it was 'sometimes i thought i would die from the sadness' i suspect that you know exactly how that feels.
please persevere with the counselling, i have every faith that it will help even though it hurts also.
please keep posting and feel free to email me anytime on [email protected]. my heart and my best wishes go out to you and your family at this terrible time. take care

hi all just checking in to see how you all are!!!

chucky
I phoned the police and i must say they were amazing
my abuse was over 20 years ago and they came round - within the hour
do not be put off
even if the outcome looks bleak - your abuser deserves to be humiliated
i was told - even if a case fails there are lists and there are LISTS

I have only read parts of this thread but I was also abused as a child. I haven't and don't want to go to the police but I have found many many books so helpful in dealing with the emotional pain and hurt involved in facing up to the fact that your parent(s) abused you as a child.

I'm sure they will help many of you, here's a list: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller, in fact anything by Alice Miller is good, she also has a website, Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield. The NAPAC website is also excellent and they also have a helpline.

Love to you all, it is a difficult journey, but it is also so positive, liberating and ultimately will give you an inner peace you never knew you could have.

scaredandlonely

Remember that counselling might make you feel worse for a while - that is normal but IT WILL get better. You do have to go through that bit to progress so please stick with it.,

Nothing can turn back the clock but you are safe now and dealing with it so you should be proud of yourself

x

hi all just wondering how you all are?

scaredandlonely, how are you doing? how is your daughter? have you been going to counselling?

Hi all,

No news from me, just checking in really. Scaredandlonley, if you see this, will you email me please. I just want to know you are ok.

How are you doing, iamasurvivor? And everyone else?

hi abmu i am plodding on, fortunately i am having more good days than bad now, didnt go back on AD's and i feel ok most of the time.

still no contact from mum or sister but didnt expect any either. there are times that i feel like writing to my mum but then i think its best to leave well alone considering that she was the one who turned her back on me.

keep on smiling and taking care of yourselves all of you, we can and will get through this, big hugs to everyone xxxx

am having a bit of a wobble, a patient has been admitted who has confessed to family that he has been abusing a child within the family. as yet i have been able to avoid caring for him because there are always others around that will do it but its making me feel sick to my stomach

Iamasurvivor

I wish I had some advice but it makes me feel sick thinking about your situation. Does anyone at work know enough to be able to help you out?

I am glad you were doing so well before - you seem to have coped extraordinarily well with all of this.

I'm ok - not great but surviving.

Keep plodding on...

{hug}

Hi All, life has been pretty crap hence the silence from me. With my asthma constantly putting me in hospital and other health problems truly believe life, god, mother nature (put it how you will) really hates me. Just had a miserable birthday, spent it crying in my bedroom self harming. Yes I'm still having counselling but can safely say it is of no benefit yet. I hate life just as much as I ever did. My daughter is coping quite well, her counsellor is happy to see her once a fortnight instead of weekly. Cant help thinking if my kids were not here I would try to end my life again. Just dont want to be here. Some days the pain gets to much and I just hide in my bedroom from everyone including my kids. Surely some of life is meant to be pleasant, cause the only thing I feel is pain. Sure hope everyone else feels a little bit better about life and themselves than I do at this moment in time.

i have been off work for a few days so have been ok, but back soon and really hoping he isnt there anymore. a couple of the staff i work with know my situation so are happy to deal with him instead of me.

SAL - i have been thinking about you alot, please CAT me your email address and we can talk more privately if you want. is your counsellor specialised in sabuse cases? what area do you live in, maybe i could meet you to talk?
glad your dd seems to be doing ok. please keep in touch, the help and support is here for you if and when you need it {{{{{hugs}}}}

ABMU - I keep fighting the urge to go back on AD's when i am having a bad day. i agree that some days feel more like surviving rather than living, but have no regrets. still no contact from my mum!

take care everyone, love and hugs to you all xxx

Hi everyone. Back in June I said my husband will be getting out of prison in Oct. Well that day is fast approaching. I spoke to the Victim Support Unit on wed to be told he will be released in 2 weeks. I felt so sick and burst into tears. I cant bear the thought that man is going to be walking the streets very soon. Knowing that he may do his best to try and see the kids. I dont want him anywhere near them so I really am hoping he will just clear of and leave us alone.

I have an exclusion zone set up around where I live and the kids schools so he cant come near us up here but he has to report to the probation unit which is near to the local shopping centre that we use, so in theory he could be stupid and approach us there. Again I so hope he just leaves us alone. My Health Visitor that I see every week is of the opinion that I should write him a letter telling him in no uncertain terms, I am divorcing you, I will fight you every step of the way to block your access to the kids and do not try contacting us in anyway or approaching us. I do feel this is a good idea but its just another thing that turns my stomach over. That man was my husband now he makes me feel violently ill......

My dd was upset when I told her that he was due to be released so thats 2 of us that will be constantly looking over our shoulder. We both thought we saw him just recently and pretty much said the same thing, we felt - you guessed it - sick!!!! I also for some reason feel scared. I dont believe he will try to attack us in anyway but prison apparently toughens weak people up so I have no idea what kind of person he will be on his release. At end of day no one knew he was a nonce til he did it. So that means absolutely no one knows this man at all. Guess I will continue taking each day as it comes as I have been for the past how long.

To top it of my local council have finally agreed to move us within whats called a management move. Thats the good news, but that was closely followed by the bad news that 1 of the council managers feels my children and I should be moved out of the area we known all of our lives to another town where we dont know a single person. I just simply am not strong enough to be uprooted from the few trust worthy friends that I have got, let alone my GP and health visitor that provide me valuable support. I cant bear the thought of yet another big life changing event, I feel we are being further punished for what my ex has done. I just dont know how long life can carry on being so cruel to me and my kids. I so had enough now. As said before ages back I dont talk to my family so I feel so alone that feeling only going to get worse if we have to leave this area.

scared, probably a stupid question but why can't your husband be moved out of the area? He's the one who's done wrong. Can understand how you don't want to uproot you and your kids.

Don't have any useful advice but hopefully someone will be on soon who does. In the meantime am sending you love, hugs, courage and anything else you can think of.

After my very long story, how are you iams, abmu and everyone else. Iams, hope that patient you mentioned has left, it must be awful going to work knowing that person is a reminder of your hell. Thank you for offering to email me personally. Please can you email me at [email protected]. I can then tell you what area I live in with a view to possibly meeting up one day. As you can imagine I'm reluctant to say it on here just in case anyone from my local area reads this and is able to recognise me. I live in a area where gossip flies very quickly as it has done about my family thanks to the press back in nov. Could not bare anymore negative attention as you can imagine.

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS to everyone}}}}}}}}}}}

hi SAL i am doing ok, patient still there unfortunately but i am managing to avoid him. i am still on nights at the moment but will email you in a couple of days when i am off. are you on msn??

take care all xxxxx

Hi IAMS, No not on there at the moment. Had major computer problems, so had it wiped clean, still putting stuff back on, including msn. When you can sit down and email me put your msn details in it then we can 'chat' properly so to speak. Glad your managing to avoid the patient.

Dolally, from what I can tell the system does not care about us victims only the person who causes the harm. From what I have been told he will intially be housed a in hostel in an area that I have never been to. But its still fairly close to where I am. Just got to hope the hostel the probation unit want to place him in has no room if thats the case he will end up in a place nearer to London. Which will give me a little peace of mind. But as usual its a waiting game.

SAL i am off work weds so will email you then xx

hi SAL i emailed you a couple of days ago, how's things?

how is everybody else?

Things are pretty crappy for me but this part of my life is going ok - I'm plodding along with my head in the sand. I think things are going to come to a head soon though - I have a lot of other stuff going and I think my abuse is about to be dragged up yet again by my ex. How many times will I have to go through this? How many times will my past be brought back up to haunt me? I try so bloody hard to get through each day as best I can and, every time I am doing pretty well, I get kicked in the teeth. Ok, I'm feeling sorry for myself - I know this is life and this is what happens but I do wonder... will things always be like this? And I honestly think the answer is yes. They will.

S&L I'm so sorry to hear things are getting scary again. I hope that your asthma is under control, at least. I emailed you a while ago. x

My soon to be ex husband was released this week. Felt a tiny moment of panic but feeling soon went away as for once I do have some good news. My local council are moving me and I am not being pushed into leaving my local area, I am so relieved. We are all very excited it feels like a christmas present come early. For tonight at least I feel 'normal' a fairly on top of things.

I feel so much for ABMU, I relate to her comment so well as I have gone through pretty much the same feelings. All I can say is hang in there girl. Somehow we have to believe things will get better. {{{{Hugs to you}}}} IAMs will email you shortly.

good news!! i am so glad you are moving forward
wish this thread had a more frequent airing

ABMU i know how you feel, its like a sentence you can never escape from, but for me, time, and lots of support are what gets me through the day.

hang on in there!!! big hugs to you xxxxx

It's reassuring to know that others feel the same way although. I know it will get easier. I just wish it would go away but I don't suppose that'll ever happen.

I decided to watch a nice girly movie tonight. Georgia Rule. I didn't realise it dealt with childhood sexual abuse. I don't really want to watch the rest of it but I can't turn it off...

I haven't managed to read all posts here but the thread caught my eye as I was asked when I registered at the hospital if I had been abused as a child, because sometimes the feelings of being poked around during pregnancy & childbirth examinations can bring back the feelings of the abuse, as you might feel you are helpless & loads of people are just coming along & prodding you without the normal courtesy you might expect at any other type of medical examination. I could see the midwife was ready to tick "no" & carry on & I hesitated as to what I should say as nothing like that had entered my head. In the end I did say yes & found myself thinking about things I forunately haven't had to think about (at least too deeply) for years. I don't think it will affect me but can't help worrying I might start getting flashbacks & it will ruin everything. I hope I'm just being over sensitive though. Has it happened to anyone here?
I have been thinking about things along the lines of will I be overprotective if I have a girl & how will I feel if I have a boy (ie a person capable of perpetrating the abuse I experienced), but those issues seem a bit abstract & far away at the moment, whereas this is more real.
Anyway, kudos & support to all survivors here!