childhood sexual abuse

[iamasurvivor]

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

i was very hurt as you can imagine that my mum appeared not to believe me, after all HE had never been father of the year even without this happening to me. he is chauvanistic, overbearing and would think nothing of giving us a 'good hiding' with a leather belt. i imagine that she has felt some guilt, i would if it was me, but most abusers are sly, sneaky, manipulative and they groom their prey in such a way that does keep us quiet and afraid for decades.

i spent years hoping that i had imagined it all and wondering where the memories came from, but when you do have flashbacks which we all invariably do, the vividness of them and the absolute despair that you feel could not come from something that wasnt real in the first place.

i think i said i an earlier post that i once read a line in a book that summed up how i felt last year when it all came out. one woman had written 'sometimes i thought i would die from the sadness' and that is exactly what it is like. feelings of disbelief, despair, heartache and also grief. i felt like i was grieving for the childhood that was taken from me. i dont have any photos of me as a child but i think if i saw one now it would be like a bereavement. my innocence and my childhood died when i was 11 years old, and my inner child was killed in the cruelest way.

i had hoped that my mum would realise that i would have nothing to gain by making up such a story but then she continues to live with HIM and i can only begin to imagine the crap he is filling her head with.

as with any life trauma, whether its divorce, miscarriage, domestic violence etc i think you can only fully empathise with someone when you have truly been there yourself. and i also think that the way in which we deal with things has alot to do with self esteem. it would have been so easy for me to turn to drugs or alcohol to block out the memories but i am glad i had the presence of mind to realise that was never going to be the solution to the problem. i did go through a stage of being very promiscous (equating sex with love) and got myself into some dicey situations but thankfully i am still here to tell the tale. but i dont regret any of that because it was a learning curve. now i have the love of a very good man and a beautiful daughter and thats what gets me through the day.

{{{hugs, iamasurvivor}}}

but [proud of you emoticon]

Thank you for this thread

You seem to be handling it really well. May be your mother can never be convinced or may be she knows it's true but has decided there is more to be gained in terms of preserving her existing life and family in not believing it. A pity your sister refused to give a statement. You're right, if something hasn't happened to you you can't imagine what it's like but I do think it must be best to have told now otherwise in a sense the rest of your life is a kind of hidden lie and doing nothing is almost a condoning of it and letting it happen again.

I would just keep up contact with her occasionally and wait to see if the police will take action. I was thinking about that child chess prodigy who at about 19 or 20 killed herself having told the police her father had abused her for years. I'm not sure her mother believed her either and I think they are trying the father based on a video she made before she died.

abitmessedup, you have made huge steps even just talking on here, please dont ever feel you are alone because you are far from it. please keep popping back to let us know how you are doing, and you are welcome to email me anytime. big hugs coming your way {{{{{{}}}}}

i got a definite confirmation the other day that case not going to court, am really disappointed as you can imagine. the longer this has gone on the more i wanted to have my day in court and look the bastrd in the face but i guess that is not to be now. however i would urge anyone else who is thinking of reporting to not be put of, its hard but it is life changing in the sense that you feel so powerful, and like the weight of the world has been lifted from you.

now i feel really pissed off with my aunts and uncles on my mums side because they will have been told his version of events but nobody has bothered to ring me to see if i am ok, what has been going on etc and part of me feels like writing them all a letter and saying how disappointed i am at their complete lack of concern and support. what do you think???

{{hugs}} iamasurvior... I'm so sorry. You must be feeling awful. I totally understand you wanting to send a letter to your aunts and uncles. I am sure I would want to do the same. Do you think it would help in any way though?

I wish I knew what to say, but I really don't... you can email me if you like. abitmessedup @ gmail.com

thanks honey, think i just feel really angry and let down that my so called family seem to have so little consideration. i know that writing wont actually acheive anything, think i am just reacting to the situation and want to vent some anger and hurt on some body. i will email you over next couple of days and see how you are doing.

take care honey, massive hugs coming your way.{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{abmu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

sorry to hear that it won't be going to court, only just seen this OP , i feel for you after taking such an important step to go to the police

slightly different but thought i'd share my DH's experience. he is adopted, has an adopted older brother and an adopted sister.

adopted brother raped DH's sister (DH walked in on it) and possibly DH (always knew something wasn't right but it wasn't until after first ds born that he explained why his brother would never hold our dc's) so although he has opened up i'm not sure he has completely.he feels guilty he couldn't do more to stop it etc etc

anyway he decided to tell his parents and their reaction was far from perfect. his sister is in denial about it all and bows to the parent's pressure of maintaining a normal family fascade and allows their brother contact with her children, eldest dd 13.

he would love to go to the police but i don't think he will because his sister has changed too much in her head in order to cope with it and other family members will not speak up (and parents will probably do everything they can to discredit DH just to eep up appearances).

his parents now accept that if we are to go to a family do then DH must not be expected to speak with the brother and the brother must not have anything to do with the dc's.

our dc's will never ever stay at their GrandP's because they would not ensure our dc's were not left alone with their uncle and our GP said that a pre-teenage boy had to have learnt his behaviour from someone and IMHO how did they not know what was going one and yet they still left the youngest two alone with him????

this isn't everything but you get the jist

there are some really big issues that i wish would have their day in court but they won't, hope you don't think i've hijacked your OP just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you were very brave

tamariki, of course you haven't hijacked the thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your family's experience. It is so hard to understand how things like this happen in families - how the people who are supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally are the ones who can betray and hurt you so much.

I'm still very much of the opinion that my 'stuff' should be kept out of court - I don't think anything would happen... like everyone else, lack of evidence. But because of recent events in my life, the abuse I suffered has been brought back up again and I am once more having difficulty dealing with it. I hate the thought that my life will always be like this. And why are there so many of us with experience of this?

Please do email me, survivor. And anyone else. I'm happy to talk about this sort of thing in more detail off-board.

Sorry for the rant

tamarki, i am so sorry to hear about your DH family, as abmu has said their is nothing more hurtful than being let down by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and protect you from harm. i have learnt that in the hardest way possible.

i wont pretend that isnt hard speaking to the police because it is, but once the wheels are set in motion it is taken out of your hands, and in a way it is a huge relief to 'pass the burden' on to someone else.

i was told from the start that my case may not go to court as the CPS will usually decide its not worth the time and money to unless they can secure a conviction.

if your DH or yourself ever felt like you need to chat you would both always be welcome on this thread or you can CAT me. i wish you all the bestxxxx

abmu, bloody hell girl what are you doing post at that time in the morning

Hi everyone, IAS you really are a brave strong woman. I have read all of this thread and just wonder where you get your strength from. I was also abused as a young child and as a teenager(my history is long and complicated). My mother told me it was my fault, so in a slightly diferent way, I know how you feel about being let down in the worst way possible.I never had the courage to do anything about it until years later when I wrote a nasty letter to auntie(my uncle was 1 of many who thought I was their personal toy). She denied knowing anything about it. I no longer talk to any of my family for various reasons the abuse being 1 of them. I have tried sucide in the past and have self harmed on and off for the past 20yrs. I am starting counselling yet again. For those that bury it please be careful and make sure you have plenty of support. I buried it but it back fired on me. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and got married a while back and went on to have more children. An hour after getting home from work in Jan 06 the Child Protection unit knocked at my door and blew up my entire world. My husband had been arrested for taking indecent photographs of my eldest daughter. (the pics were found by a family friend who reported it to the police, I am not technically minded so didnt use the pc). He had also touched my daughter. May 06 the police phoned to tell me they had found images of children he had downloaded from the net. All of this hit me like a ton of bricks. In trying to support my daughter who thankfully is not suffering at the moment through lots of support from me and various agencies has brought back all my past hideous memories, flashbacks etc. I lost the plot May 06 and tried to commit suicide again. I was getting grief from everywhere and felt scared and lonely. Now I feel so guilty that I tried to leave my children, but not a day goes by when I think how much I hate life. First me then my daughter. I thought I was doing everything I can to protect myself and my kids. I got it so wrong. Congratulations to all those that have moved on. Maybe 1 day I will be strong enough to not hate the world and to be able to move on. Sorry I took over your thread IAS. Good luck with wherever your future leads you with the support of those you have got around you. Times like now we need lots of hugs and tlc.Sorry for the long story!

Sorry after thought. I never took it any further with my past issues. But husband was sentenced in Nov to 21 months. I got told he will be released Oct this year though. I not impressed as you can imagine.

scaredandlonely how awful for you and your dd. so good that she has your support. hope you get all the support you need as your children need you and you deserve to find some peace in life so you can enjoy your life with your children.

i worry daily that my SIL's dd is not safe from harm (Stepdads (there's been several) and her uncle (my BIL who incidently divorced his wife and insisted on having his sons very weekend my PIL have commented that they (his ds's) are always very on edge when he first gets them but they are very happy when they return home . SIL is very screwed up with reality. cannot help but lie to cope with everything, even her dc's point that out but then i've noticed lying is a trait of the family (but not so much DH - as i can tell and he knows!!)

iamasurvivor thank you

scaredandlonely, I am so so sorry to read your story.

I can't imagine what you have been through, but please know that you are not alone. I started this thread a while ago and it gives you a bit of information about my background. I don't think it mentions that I self harm and have had 2 serious suicide attempts (1 recently which has caused me to lose my son ).

I totally understand your feelings about hating life and the guilt you feel about trying to leave your children. I have to live with that every day too and often, it still seems like the best way to proceed.

I don't want to patronise you or tell you things you already know, but I just hope you have a good counsellor and people who can help you through this. I hope you don't blame yourself for what has happened to you and your daughter.

If you want to talk at all, please email me. abitmessedup @ gmail.com (no gaps)

Take good care... big hugs to you {scaredandlonely}

Hi IAS, thank you for your reply. I like 1 of the other women who wrote in a while ago am really suffering with depression at the mo and I really have to force myself to leave my house in the mornings. Support is sorely lacking where I live. What few friends are left after what my ex did are split down the middle in telling (not advising) me what to do. My ex has said he wants contact with the kids when he is out of prison which needless to say I dont want him to have. I will just have to deal with that when the time comes. Tamariki, in terms of your SIL, I sort of relate to what she has done. My children were so upset at not having daddy at home anymore and they kept asking to see him, so like a fool I allowed him supervised access. After a while I kicked up a fuss and social services took over the access. But I really had to scream at them to do it. Please keep an eye on the children and give them support in a subtle way (dont put pressure on them)that you are there for them as I knew nothing about what had happed to my daughter until the photos were found. Another person mentioned early on in the thread that you can tell a child is being abused or that a child will tell you. That certainly is not the case.I went of the rails with my abuse, my daughter did not. There was no indication at all, she also wanted to see my ex! Although not anymore thankfully. IAS, thanks for your email address, I will take you up on your kind offer. I need as much support as I can get. Hugs to you both.

Sorry abitscrewed up, put the wrong name in my message. Doh! My brain does not want to work today. Couldnt you sleep this morning I looked at the time you posted your message. That is def time to be asleep for me, but then I really dont like mornings. It means yet another day to survive.

Am I being judged. This thread has gone very silent. Or am I panicking over nothing.

You are not being judged. Don't really know what to say as I have no experience but bumping for you. Big hugs to you all.

scaredandlonely - this thread sometimes goes quiet - I think a few of us are namechangers and we don't check on this as often as we post on other things... You are definietly panicking over nothing!

Your story is awful. It was very hard to read. I have no idea how you have coped. I know it hasn't been easy for you but you are obviously a very strong woman and an amazing mother. In your position, I would be terrified. But you have made it this far. Hang on in there... things will get better. They have to, don't they? You will survive this because you have to. Your kids need you. What happened to you and to your DD were not your fault. Your kids need their mummy. You know my story - I lost my DS through all of this. I know I made bad choices and now he is being punished because I couldn't cope. I would hate for anyone else to be where I am now.

You have my email address - you can contact me any time. And post on here if you want to - don't think that because no-one responds people don't care. I think sometimes people lurk & don't post because they just don't know what to say. And the people who have been through anything similar don't always check this thread frequently. I think it can be hard for us to come back to it at times.

Stay with us hun

x

Thanks for the reassurance. Sometimes I feel my judgement has gone crazy. I get scared or upset over the most mundane of things these days. Life can be way to hard for some of us. Abitmessedup having your email address is a life saver. I hate talking about my feelings to people where I am cause I feel like I am a broken record (my friends tell me I'm not, still its how I feel) so more often than not I clam up which certainly for me is not the best thing to do as I go of the rails. But may I say I got you lot now. Thank you!!!!

I have problems with judgement too and never know if I am missing something completely or reading far too much into something.

I'm glad emailing is helpful - I never ever discuss this in RL, but somehow, typing on here or emailing makes it easier and I feel more comfortable sharing and getting things off my chest.

Post on here or email me - don't clam up. There are lots of people out here for you.

How is everybody else?

scaredandlonely, i read your story with horror and sadness. i cannot begin to imagine what you have and still are going through. i know your daughter will feel blessed to have your support and thank god she will never experience the maternal betrayal that we have. please dont ever feel like you cant say what you want on here, you are amongst a very special group of people. each of us has experienced something different but we all need the same thing... to know that somewhere there is someone who will listen without judgement and always be there to offer support. i hope you feel like you have found that now.
please keep posting and if you cat me i will be happy to corresond in private.
take care, you can get through this. big hugs are being sent to you {{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Abitmissedup, your right it is hard to come back here but having you guys to 'chat to' makes it worth while for me to come here every so often. It does feel easier to talk to people who know and understand what your going through. Since last week I have felt so dreadful, so having this place to share thoughts and tears with is very helpful for me. Over the years so much has happened (certainly need a very good councillor thats for sure)people say things will get better. Am finding that so hard to believe anymore, the trauma of last years events are fairly settled at mo, but I'm dreading my ex release what can of worms are waiting for me. I have to say I'm scared silly. I know its a little way of yet but since he went down til now has gone so very very quick. I cant help but look to Oct. His actions have awakened all my past nightmares so trying to deal with that on top of what he did is just burying me. As for strong...I have been told that lots of times I wish I could believe that as well. I feel so very weak and burst into tears at the slightest thing - drives me nuts!!!! I used to have what I called my brick wall to sort of protect me, but its fallen down with the onslaught of last year. All strength and willpower ran away Jan 06. The worst thing about all this is somewhere in amongst the hell in my brain I am trying to be a mum to my kids. I feel like I'm letting them down as they never know whther its sad mummy, angry mummy or 'normal' mummy that is waiting for them at the school gates.I wish I could get rid of the feeling that I am betraying them because of the depression. It stops me from feeling really close to them all I want to do is hide from the world including my children I dont want them to see me crying all the time or being angry - they have done nothing wrong yet my mood swings are making them suffer. I just dont know if I'm coming or going.