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Original poster

childhood sexual abuse

232 replies

iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 14:15

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
iamasurvivor · 13/12/2006 11:07

nemo you are absolutely right i would never let my daughter go to anyone else i didnt trust or feel right about. i knew i would get the help i have been seeking from MN, and i thank you all so much for replying.

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foxinsocks · 13/12/2006 11:18

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Original poster
iamasurvivor · 13/12/2006 15:58

the thing with abusers is that they are always careful about what they do, my stepfather never touched me when mum was in the house. he always insisted thart i stayed behind on a saturday when she took the other children shopping, or he would pay for her to go to bingo for the night.

as much as i want to do this, i am shit scared, not of him, not any more, i guess i am scared for me, how it will make me feel. i am woman who likes to be in control of her life and its the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen that scares me

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Havingatoughtime · 13/12/2006 21:06

just want to add that thanks to this thread I have tonight reported my abuser
I even had to tell them that it was this talkboard that encouraged me..I dont believe justice will be done - but you know what just telling them has helped so far
I hate it all but i hate him more

Nemoinapeartree · 13/12/2006 21:15

Having a toughtime huge hugs to you and the journey you are starting on..it is hard but believe me worth it to have that person out of your life. If either yourself or iamasurvivor want to talk to me then feel free to CAT.

Havingatoughtime · 13/12/2006 21:19

thanks nemo and i may do that under my proper mumsnet name .... Dreading what is ahead but still relieved...a blur really

giddy1 · 13/12/2006 21:21

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Original poster
iamasurvivor · 14/12/2006 23:18

HATT - my god i am so proud of you, you are so incredibly brave. my hats of to you. this is a bloody long journey but you are not alone on your path. i am also using different name, not because i am ashamed/embarrassed but just because i have met some MN's on meet ups before.

nemo your words have been so helpful and i will definitely take you up on your offer to CAT you.

thank you all so much for the things you have said, its one more reason why i love mumsnet, you can always find someone to help.

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Original poster
iamasurvivor · 15/12/2006 10:45

just been to see my gp who i have told about my abuse. he doubled my antidepressants a couple of weeks ago but i told him i still dont feel much effect and wants me to carry on at the double dose a bit longer.
when we were talking about confronting my stepfather he said that he thinks it might be best to leave it till after xmas and just focus on trying to have a good time with my husband and daughter, what do you think???

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Nemoinapeartree · 15/12/2006 12:46

IAS if you feel you can put the face on for over xmas then I would as it is very stressful to confront. My depression kicked in on xmas day when DS was 2mths old and we were staying in my mum and SF house and it was horrendous. Really has tainted that xmas for me, as long as you are not seeing your SF over xmas then gp may be right. It all depends on how you feel and if you really need to do it now. When I finally confronted mine I handt actually planned to do it that day but I saw an opportunity to. Then when I told my mum again I knew would have to say sooner or later as had been avoiding them but the actual day was just a I really need to tell her right now situation.

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 15/12/2006 14:43

i think i could possibly avoid him over xmas or just make sure there are lots of other people around so that i am not tempted to just blurt it out. i dont want this to be a bad xmas for me or the rest of my family. can i ask Nemo did you have anyone with you as support when you confronted him?

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Nemoinapeartree · 15/12/2006 19:56

Hi
I didnt have anyone in the room apart from ds who was 4mths old at the time. What happened was he and my mum had come to visit and DH was showing my mum something outside in garden and SF was rubbing my leg and cooing over ds and I felt sick.I just blurted out that I hadnt forgotten what he did etc. Felt really empowered to see the fear on his face as I was the one in control. Dh said as soon as he walked into the room he knew I had said something

Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 21:18

Firstly. i feel you are a very brave a strong person for coping aswell as you have. Should you continue as you have so far and later find that he then attempts to follow the same route of abuse with your 11 year old neice, how will you feel then? This is an awful thing to have have happened to you and someting of which you had no responsibility for!It will be difficult to tell your mother and no doubt as much as she loves you she may ask why you are saying this? that you had christmas with him for so many other years why did you do this if this happened previously? and you just have to be honest it. She will be angry initally and mainly im sure for not noticing and she will have some guilt aspects of her own. But im sure she will stand by you. If you are unable to explain intailly be sure to write to her to explain everything! as it is hard to accept for anyone.

At the moment you are a lady whos innocence was taken, and their has been not been any repramand for the person who took it uninvited. You will find no self resolve until you deal with the issues you have,

As you may tell i have studied pyschology & counseling.. and im here for you should you need me.
Take care
Pinky x

Havingatoughtime · 16/12/2006 20:21

i am in the thick of it now and although the feeling may not last i feel my trauma has been washed from me
the police came and the child protection unit are coming monday. Its not nice but nothing could be worse than the bloody years i have tortured myself
its his turn now
if nothing comes of it then at least my problem is no longer a secret. a secret i should never have kept
i despise him - but the all consuming rage is gone now i know that someone alse may be there to listen ......for the first time
good luck and keep checking in

Nemoinapeartree · 16/12/2006 20:25

HATT I had that cleansing feeling too, hope your family are being supportive and everything works out better than it did for me. You are brave to go to the police etc I didnt do that and sometimes wonder if I should have but I think mine was more opportunistic than he would go looking iykwim.

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 17/12/2006 01:16

pinky - thank you so much for your kind words, i am a qualified counsellor to and i wonder if in some ways that has kept me on the straight and narrow, because i have been able to recognise and rationalise my own feelings, i am interested in going into therapy again and was wondering if something a bit more focused i.e CBT might help, do you have an opinion on this, i would be very interested to her.

HATT you are such an inspiration to me, keep going and keep us posted. take care of yourself.

i have decided that i am going to postpone confronting him until after christmas just because if it all blows up i dont want to then be the awful one for ruining christmas. my contact with him will be very limited, just exchanging presents etc, but i thought if there are plenty of people around i will be able to bite my tongue and hold on another couple of weeks.

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abitmessedup · 17/12/2006 02:45

This thread was really hard for me to read. Not because of the subject but because you are discussing exactly what I probably need to do & what I should have done years ago. You are all very brave and I really hope that reporting the abuse helps.

I am still sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it. I've never dealt with what happened to me. Counselling made me feel worse and the only way I found I could cope was just by 'forgetting' about it. Obviously, it isn't something you can forget about so that really doesn't work but putting on a brave face and pretending that everything is ok is the only way I can make it through each day. I am terrified that I might inadvertantly put DS in a situation where it could happen to him...

Anyway, I began the thread that was linked to earlier so I won't go into detail about my situations here. People were very kind and supportive & really helped me feel, for the first time in 20 years, that I am not alone. There are lots of helpful links to groups who can provide support.

I have great admiration for those of you who did/ are about to report this. I hope that one day, I can do that too.

If anyone wants to CAT me, please feel free.

Hugs to you all...

MomOnTheRun · 17/12/2006 07:57

I have been crying by reading these threads. Not that something similar has ever happened to me, but because the mother in these cases does not protect her child. I'd just like to say you are all very brave and beautiful people for not allowing this to stop you from moving on. The abusers are scum and will have their comeuppance.

Havingatoughtime · 17/12/2006 19:49

abitmessedup - i tried to cat you but was unable....

Kind of dreading tomorrow when the police come and talk to me - yet half of me feels its 100 times better than any therapy..

anyone can cat me!

foxinsocks · 17/12/2006 19:56

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abitmessedup · 18/12/2006 14:01

Havingatoughtime, I CATed you - hope it works. x

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 18/12/2006 17:50

HATT how did it go today with the police? i am so proud of you for finding the courage to do this.

ABMU - i am not yet planning on getting the police involved because i am not sure yet whether i can put myself or my family through that but i am going to confront him. i think everybody has their own coping mechanisms i did for 23 years, but then i have got to the point where i can no long maintain that facade and if i dont go through this it will always over shadow me. i would hate for the bastard to die and i had never told him how i feel.take care of yourself and please feel free to cat me xxxx

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Havingatoughtime · 18/12/2006 20:39

thanks for showing an interest IAS
It was fine.
they were lovely
they seem quite positive.
i feel better
Its exhausting. a lot comes up from the depths of ones memory
I would recommend it!
FAR better than therapy but that's me!

Havingatoughtime · 18/12/2006 20:40

having said all that - its not easy but then none of this is...

SpicymulledSheraz · 18/12/2006 20:49

Glad it went OK HATT. Hopefully you have some closue. Even if it doesn't go to court at least you know you have been believed and HE knows that you are standing up to him. Well done.