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Original poster

childhood sexual abuse

232 replies

iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 14:15

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

OP posts:
TEEstheCEEsontobejolly · 07/12/2006 14:21

So sorry to read your post

Someone I know just had their stepfather put away for the sexual abuse. He decided to do it when his DD reached the age he was when it all began, something just clicked and he had the poilice sent round to his dad's house. His mother was also still witht he man and she apparently had no idea either. He was sentenced ;ast weeka nd will serve 16 years.

Whatever you do I wish you peace at the end of it all. xxx

MerryChristmasfromQV · 07/12/2006 14:23

Oh gosh, I dont know what to advise IaaS.....

I think if you feel that telling him how you feel is right - then thats what you have to do.

Obviously, you have considered the fall out afterwards. Whilst you shouldnt ever be doubted, i'm sure you are aware that this may happen...make sure you have appropriate "back up" or support should this be the case.

I hope it works out for you, and that your Mum supports you too.

Sorry this is brief - im just dashing out the door to work but didnt want to leave this.....back later.....

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 14:23

thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 14:30

i relise that there will be repercussions and i am prepared for the fact that he will completely deny it, but i have wasted to many years thinking of other peoples feelings which is why i kept it hidden for so long. now i have to think about me, i have a fab husband and beautiful little girl, and i am blessed that i have lots of friends who are behind me who will all support me 100%

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StrawberrySnowflakes · 07/12/2006 14:36

similar story (i was 3-13 and was father not step father)..i told police when i was 17.
please please please contact police and get your mother alone to tell her..she will be in denial first i assume, but once youve told her its sadly up to her what she does with the info.good look sweetheart.

SpicymulledSheraz · 07/12/2006 14:38

You have some options, you can go to the Police and deal with it through the Courts, you may not necesarily end up with a court case, but you are dealing with it. You could maybe write to him and or your mum detailing what happened, how you feel and how you move on. If you tell your Mum , she has to choose between you or him, are you prepared for the fact that your mum might stand by him?There is no right or wrong answer, you have to choose what is right for you. i do think though you have to consider how safe other young girls are around him. If he has contact with young girls you may want to alert social services. My sympathy is with you, you have no easy options.

fairyjay · 07/12/2006 15:17

How awful and sad.

I don't know how you've managed to hide this, and keep up a normal relationship inbetween times.

How does your dh feel? Do you think the fact that you've now got a beautiful dd to worry about is what brings you to this stage?

Nemoinapeartree · 07/12/2006 15:34

I am a survivor you sound so like me but mine was from 7-13. That was pretty much my situation until I had my son. I had told my husband prior to being married but maintained a fake relationship with my stepfather. I did the same of letting my SF know I had not forgotten what he did etc but it got to a point where my son was 4mths old and it was killing me[literally started self harming and planning suicide] to put my innocent little boy into a situation of being in contact with an abuser. I broke down and ended up telling my mum. He denied it completely and said things like If wants me to say I did it so she can get better then I will..I was soo angry and devestated. My mum has 2 daughters with him and still now[nearly 3yrs later] lives with him and they maintain their married life style while I have been through a lot of heartache and caused us no end of problems. We now have no family as such[dhs parents and thats it] I still have contact with my mum and 1 of my sisters but nothing major. However I would not change telling my family as at least now I know my son, daughter who has since been born and the baby I am expecting in jan are all safe. If you want to talk feel free to cat me as I really do know how you feel.

MerryChristmasfromQV · 07/12/2006 15:38

Maybe contact these people \link{http://www.napac.org.uk/if you are unsure about anything}

I think if you have had counselling, and still feel that things are unresolved - well - you know what you need to do.

I think, in all honesty if you are going to tell - you should go the whole hog and involve the police. It's no less than this 'man' deserves anyway. I think you will feel satisfied that you have done all you could have possibly done then, because I suspect that this is what has been bothering you.

Do what you need to do to feel strong. You know where to come if you need any support x

MerryChristmasfromQV · 07/12/2006 15:40

ahem.....if you are unsure about anything

SpicymulledSheraz · 07/12/2006 15:46

If you do go to the Police, they will take it seriously and they will investigate your allegation. He will probably be arrested but definitely interviewd. If he has contact with children/ grandchildre, a referral will be made to Social Services. The CPS will then look at the file and decide whether it goes o Court or not. Even if it doesn't go to Court, you will have done the right thing. But only you can decide if you want to take that step. It has huge implications for you and you family if you do. Best wishes.

SleepIsForTheWeak · 07/12/2006 16:00

another recent thread about this:
here

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 18:44

this has been coming on for a long time, and apart from the fact that i have my own dd, my sisters dd is 11, the same age i was when it started. i have never left my dd alone with him ans as far as i know my niece has never either. my sister does know, i told her a few years ago, but when i mentioned recently that her dd is the same age i was i cud tell it hadnt crossed her mind. as far as my mum goes, what scares me most is that she didnt believe me. i know that would be her issue and not mine but if she didnt believe i dont think i cud be in her life anymore.

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Original poster
iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 18:50

nemo your story brought tears to my eyes. i think what stops me from going and confronting him like tomorrow is the thought that he might make me feel like i did back then.
i am sending lots of hugs to all those men and women who have experienced such sadness and pain because of someone elses selfishness.

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Nemoinapeartree · 09/12/2006 11:43

Iamasurvivor..it didnt make me feel weaker if anything I was stronger until I realised that my fsmily would continue the facade for him. It is hard and only you will know whats right for you and your family.

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 09/12/2006 13:19

i would hate the thought of loosing my family over this but i think everyone has the right to know what hes like. i suspect my half brother and sister wud not believe he was capable and wuu think i was lying but i know that my other brother and sister are behind me 100%, which way my mum wud go is anyones guess
how did you know the time was right for you?

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SpicymulledSheraz · 09/12/2006 14:46

Survivor, I think the fact that other children could be at risk is a good reason to do something positive, I don't know the right way of telling your family, but it is going to be huge bombshell. Xmas might not be a good time, as people are emotional enough as it is. You don't want to end up blurting it out at the dinner table for instance. I would think about when and how to tell.

giddy1 · 09/12/2006 15:57

Message deleted

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 09/12/2006 19:08

i realise that i stand to loose some of my family over this and i am kind of prepared for it. i wud rather they knew the truth and then made their own choices, than keep them forever in the dark. i to feel a duty to protect others not least my daughter and my niece, whilst i assume i have been the only child in the family that it happened to, it had never crossed my mind that he might have gone outside the family.
i cant find words strong enough for the hatred i feel for him, and i do wish he was 6 feet under.
obviously i am aware that christmas is looming, but shud that mean that i have to keep this in longer, i dont know. thankfully i wont have to look at his face across the table because we are spending christmas with my in laws.

i cant tell you how much it means to me that you have posted your own stories.

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StrawberrySnowflakes · 09/12/2006 19:19

for me, i was 17, the actualt sexual assault had stopped for about 4 years but the language and inuendos etc continued, then one evening he had been drinking all day with his brother(he had agreed to stay at his brothers, as we all 'Knew' what he was like when he had a drink-violent man)..but sure enough..all happily settled for night, when he came crashing in..effing and blinding at my mam" where's my fcking tea you btch"(sorry, but its as clear as day!)..mam was scared witless,he smashed full kitchen up, nothing on walls, in cupboards..my brother ran down stairs(long story, but my brother is a big lag-muscly-due to the beating he got from him as a child and in the hope of protecting himself from it)..and fought with him to stop him..at that point my brothers girlfriend grabbed me and shut us in brothers room

god had to stop there, it feels like yesterday and is so real

and it was then i told her..i knw i couldnt leave her knowing that ..so when police came to arest him for smashing up house, i told my mum, who then told the police

my mum actually asked me "honest of god"..which was her way of saying are you lying..i said "honest of god"..and that was it...ive never been the same with her..she doubted me soory cant do this

worcestercaroline · 09/12/2006 19:49

are u ok strawberrysnowflakes, was in tears reading all of yr threads. iamasurvivor u must tell yr mum and make other people aware of what went on, for all u know he might be doing the same thing to another child. Am sure initially there will be certain members of the family who will side with him, but am sure they will soon realise that u are not telling lies as u have nothing to gain.(jumbled but hope u understand what i am trying to say) I know it will never be able to change what happend to u but it may be able to ease things. I cant believe u have been brave and strong enough to see him up until a few months ago. If u can manage to do that then u def have the strength to deal with whatever the outcome is if/when u tell the rest of yr family.

worcestercaroline · 09/12/2006 19:55

maybe if u can leave it till after christmas, just so that if others do take a while to come round to facing the truth its not over a time when u should be close to yr family I think especially for the sake of the children. thats if u feel u can wait and at least he will not be with u for christmas. Having said that could u speak to him before christmas and then tell yr family after christmas or do u think he will tell yr mum a pack of lies before u get to tell her the truth. sorry probably made u more confused over what to do

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 09/12/2006 23:31

its awful that xmas just around the corner, a big part of me just wants to smash his face in and he doesnt deserve the family he has, apart from what he did to me he has never been a model father or husband. i think i might speak to him before xmas and then decide what to do, my head is so screwed up.

strawberry are you ok, if you need to talk more privately you are welcome to cat me, take care of yourself honey, you are not alone in this xxxx

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Nemoinapeartree · 10/12/2006 13:35

not had time to read other replise since but just to answer I knew the time was right for me because of my little boy. I could not continue to put DS in a situation of being around someon capable of that..if it wasnt your stepfather/family issue would you knowingly send your children to sit in someones house[even with you there] of a person capable of abusing a child???????????????

frenchconnection · 12/12/2006 16:48

OH MY GOD, what IS it with all these mothers not standing up for their children? and doing all they POSSIBLY can to stop the abuse? Because they want to keep up the pretence of being a happy family?? they dont want the neighbours to know whats happening??I DONT GET IT!!
I may be the slackest mum i know but god if this was happening to my child i would rip the monster's heart out with my own bare hands.