childhood sexual abuse

[iamasurvivor]

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

iamasurvivor, I have been following your thread and just wanted to wish you lots of luck for when you meet your mum later this week. i don't have any personal experience of this, but I think you are so brave and I greatly admire your courage. I hope it goes well, and I really hope you get the support you need.

just want to wish you luck.... hugs!

Good luck and well done for going to the police. My two sister in laws have recently done the same, giving video evidence etc and the evidence is now with the CPS and we should have a decision by the 15th of this month.

Their dad abused them in terms of 'you name it he did it' from the age of 4-17 with the rape (both ways) starting at the age of about 12.

Until September last year, me and my husband (their brother obviously) had no idea and he was part of our lives and that of our children. As my girls grew up to the age he started on them, that was the time one of them told us what she had been through. It was only then that she found out that he had done the same to her little sister - neither had any idea about each other, still after about 30 years.
Its been devastating and mega stressful but I will forever be indebted (is that the right word) to her for telling me as I now know that he will never have the opportunity to do it to my girls. he is an outcast as far as the family are concerned but the freak said they were making it all up - bastard. I have told her she must never underestimate what she has done.

The downside is their mum unfortunately. She has always brushed 'family' issues under the carpet and never really been close to her kids. Will wait for you to ring to make arrangements, never the other way round for example. They split some years ago and she has never spoken to him since the day he moved out. When she was told (after video evidence and before police contacted her) she went straight on the defensive and didn't have the decency to even hug either of them or offer much support. In fact she was a complete selfish bitch about how her life is now ruined and said 'if you have said what you came to say then you might as well leave now'.
I think they kind of expected this rejection, and I believe that is why they were scared of telling her (understandably). Since that day, she hasn't mentioned it at all. She has spoken to the police apparently but no one knows what she said, she did say she had no idea but I'm not so sure.

I genuinley don't want to put a downer on it for you as obviously your mum is your mum but please be prepared for any kind of reaction, it will be a huge shock.
I personally am disgusted with my mother in law and haven't seen her since then apart from Xmas day (though she sees the kids every week). I can't see how a mother could react like that (though sounds as though its not entirely uncommon) and not open her arms and give proper love and support. As it is, I have been the main supporter to both of them. I hope you have lots of loving and supportive people to help you through all this.
I also hope that this sort of thread gives other people the courage to report abusers and child rapists to the police.

iamasurvivor - I now see you were due to see your mum Wednesday, how did it go?

I just wanted you to know I have been thinking of you. Any updates, iamasurvivor & havingatoughtime?

Thanks for sharing your story, horrifiedmum. It really helps to hear other people's experiences, both good and bad. I do think your story has a very postitve outcome though and that is really wonderful.

(I'm still burying my head in the sand)

hugs to you all and congrates to those who have reported to the police. Not been around as went in to have DD2 and generally been shattered so not up to much.

my dh reported his abuse to the police (his abuser was another lad a few years older than him) happened between ages of9-14 we have justhadletterfrom cps saying they are not pursuing it. The reasons are insufficient evidence just his word against his bec dh never told anyone, also at the time of some of it the lad would have been under the age of 14 and at that time a boy of that age was thought inadequate of commiting a sexual act, and under an age where he knew what he was doing was wrong.

Hello its me (HATT) and as you can tell by my name things are brighter.
The police have taken my statement and a few others and will talk to my abuser soon

the outcome does not look bright but i dont really mind
20 years of feeling like crap has resulted in me being easily pleased and i feel 'brighter'

i hope you are all proceeding well with your cases and keeping chins firmly up

just wish we could put a stop to this happening to girls out there NOW

thankyou all for thinking of me - it does help

Hi Better

It's so great to hear you are feeling brighter. I love your new name

I'm sorry the outcome doesn't look more hopeful but it really sounds as if reporting this and being open about it has been something you really needed to do. Even if nothing happens as far as prosecution, at least you have done what you can and, should someone else report anything similar by the same man (and I hope with all my heart that no-one else has anything to report) at least there is a record of this.

I'm so glad to hear how you're getting on. I do think of you all...

Take Care

x

hi all, well i met my mum and told her. i could tell instantly by the look on her face that she had absolutely no idea about the abuse and that was a huge relief. what i have found difficult though i guess is that apart from utter shock, she didnt really show any kind of response. she didnt defend him or me in anyway, we sat quietly for about 30 mins and i recalled a few incidents to her (he made her take me to gp at 15 and get put on pill, he said it was because i had a boyfriend but it was really so that HE wudnt get me pregnant)then after a while she said she was going home because she needed to confront him. i havent heard from her since, it will be 2 wks this week. i text her the other day said i know she has a lot to think about but just wanted to let her know i love her, no reply as yet.
the day i told her, they went up to my sisters that evening and he was shouting his mouth off saying 'have you heard what shes said about me' my sister never let on that she has known for 11yrs. she just told him straight 'dont make me choose between you, shes my sister'. mum got her alone and asked if she had anything to disclose and did she believe me, my sister said 'shes my sister mum and she wud not make something like this up'.
today i text my youngest sister, his biological daughter to see how she is and she sent me really shitty text calling twisted, why am i saying these things, he's not capable of that blah, blah. it was hard but i kept my cool, explained that i hadnt disclosed until now because i always tried to protect the family, she wasnt even born when it started, what did i have to gain by lying and that i felt it was now my duty & responsibility to protect my daughter and niece from the same fate.

i forgot to add that at no point has HE rung me or come to my house to deny my allegations, wudnt you expect that an innocent man would do that?????

does anyone have any ideas about what i should do about my mum??????
do i ring her, or let her make the next move.

thank you all so much for your continued support and kind words it helps enormously.
BETTER - it is great that you are starting to feel more like yourself.

APOLOGISES TO ANYONE WHO HAS CAT ME BUT I AM HAVING TROUBLE ACCESSING MY EMAILS.

keep your chin up everyone and always remeber tomorrow is another day xxxxxxxxx

iamasurvivor - I have just read this and emailed you - I don't know if you'll get it... maybe you could let me know?

I am sorry all this has happened but yes, I agree with you. If he was innocent, you'd expect him to make a bit of a fuss about it.

I don't know what to do about your mum - can you text her again to tell her that you love her and this wasn't about hurting her. That you still want a relationship and that you don't blame her (unless you do)? Maybe she needs a bit of reassuring.

Well done on this though, it must have been terrifying to do. What an amazing woman you are.

Sorry I have just caught up with this, hope you are ok.

If you read my previous posting you will see the issue my sil's have had and even know, 3 months after being told their mum hasn't really addressed the issue or supported them.

I haven't seen her since, can't bring myself to knowing that she isn't supporting them when I have been on the verge of depression again because of what has happened and because of the burden on me of being there 24/7 for them.

Sorry I can't be more positive for you. You are amazing in what you have done, reporting it etc. yes I would expect someone to deny it if they had those allegations against them, first thing you would do if you wern't guilty.

I read in a book that you may lose people along the way (sadly) and that for those who reject you or can't accept it, others will become closer to you. I hope you have lots of good support. Remember, EVERYTHING is his fault.

Don't know what to suggest about your mum, does she know the full extent of it. Do you still want her in your life now etc

Sorry ot hear this. It sounds like he has managed to get to your Mum and twist things sot it makes you look bad - classic reaction.
If he had done nothing he would ring you/ be angry with you.
He is running scared.
Keep with it. You knew you weren't making an easy choice.
You know the truth.
Good Luck, I hope you get the result that you are hoping for.

Thinking of you all...

Any updates?

hi all, still not heard from my mum, its been about 7 weeks now. i have text her numerous times told her i love her and in no way blame her for what happened, sent her a card to say the same but still there has been no contact.
since then HE has been questioned, of course denied everything, big surprise.blatantly lied by telling police that the last time we had a row that i had said i would find a way to get him back, so he is suggesting that this is a revenge thing.
sister has refused to make a statement to say that i told her 12 years ago, even though her 12yr old daughters safety is one of the biggest re4asons i have done this. i think she is sitting on the fence because if she makes a statement they would see that as her siding with me.

my case worker saw my mum the other day, she has backed him up by saying that i was never left alone with him, and that she has known him for 30 years and knows everything about him, said 'i hardly know my daughter'. this from the woman i have shopped with, had round for tea, had nights out with and was even there when i gave birth to my own daughter. that comment was like a knife in my heart i was devastated. but as much as i am angry and hurt i cant begin to imagine my life without her in it. this said i dont regret a single minute that i have reported him, i only have to look at my beautiful, innocent little girl to know that.

how is everyone else doing?????

reporting has been beneficial to me too i am a survivor.
families react in odd ways imo ..adding to the stress and hurt that already runs so deep
its all so cruel

Iamasurvivor I am sorry for all that is happening. I do agree about expecting him to make a fuss, my stepfather didnt really make a fuss either and instead had the audacity to say 'I will say I did it if it makes her feel better' WTF???????!!!!!!!!!!!???????? Anyways just to send you hugs and re your mum I know it is hard but you may b better off without her!

Honestly, some mothers should be ashamed of themselves, and your sister should be too. That is a complete disgrace.

You have so done the right thing, never underestimate the power of your bravery. Like you say, you have a beautiful innocent daughter who he will never hurt now. I hope that you are still getting lots of support from your friends (and husband of course).

My mil still isn't dealing with the 'issue'. (see previous post on here). She isn't supporting her daughters, or her son for that matter. She is a selfish bitch as far as I am concerned, only worried about how she feels and what a terrible thing she is going through. I don't think she believes them but saying that, they haven't discussed what happened in detail, she probably thinks it was a one off incident where he tried it on with them and is wondering what all the 'fuss' is about. I have lost all respect for her, her eldest is struggling more with her rejection than with what her dad did to her.

On a positive (if you can call it that) note, he has been charged with over 40 counts and been referred to the Crown Court by the CPS. We all hope he goes to prison of course. Charges are read and he makes his plea in several weeks time and if he pleads not guilty the trial will probably be 6-8 months after that. He said they were just making it all up, fantasy world ect too.

par for the course horrified mum - par for the course

one loses faith in human kind

Stories like this just make my blood boil

iamasurvivor I admire your courage girl, because it must have taken alot of it to do what you have done!

I was abused as a child (10yrs old)It was only the once, but I know how greatly it has affected my life! 20 yrs later I cried my first tear about it. It always manages to rear its ugly head & never goes away. Thats why these beasts NEED LIFE imprisonment! They are sick & are never going to be any different either. They is no PILL to cure their sick illness, so dont see how they get away with such light sentances either!

So sorry to hear this sad news, my heart goes out to you. Be strong love, you've come this far.

Still thinking of you and wishing you courage and strength.
(Sheraz)

thanks all so much for all your messages. for those of you who kindly emailed me, i have now discovered that the was a virus in my works network and it deleted half of the email addresses, mine being one of them. it is all sorted out now so if any of you wish to email me and chat in private i would love to hear from you.

UPDATE - after still not hearing anything from my mum i decided to go down to her place of work on mothers day to give her a present, took my daughter with me because i thought it might prick her conscience. she was surprised to see us and after a few awkward pleasantries she said' so whats all this stuff you've been saying?'
she is convinced i was never on my own with him, saying that whenever she wasnt there ie when in hospital his mum was, even though i explained that she never stayed o/night.
she asked me if it had happened why wud i keep quiet for so long, a few weeks maybe but not 17yrs'
told her if she had never been in my situation then she could never appreciate the feelings of shame, fear, anger etc that keep people quiet most of their lives.
told her if i wanted to lie about being abused i cud say he put his hand up my skirt one time, i wudnt give a very detailed history that spans over a 6 yr period of abuse.
i left a few minutes later saying i loved her and wud always be here if she wanted to talk. she never even hugged her grandaughter who she hadnt seen for 3 months.

since then, no further contact until it was her birthday 3 wks ago and i asked my DH to pressie down to her house. all my friends told me not to bother but i said i didnt want to be the one that stopped the contact.
she took the presents off him and slammed the door in his face. i then got a voicemail off her saying 'i dont know what you are doing sending presents here, i dont want them, i dont want you here, i dont want him here and i will see you in court' my DH then got a message off my BIL via HIM to say if we made any further contact they would get an injunction out against us.

so it is very clear now where i stand. would have had more respect for her if she had said ' i cant handle whats going on, so maybe we shouldnt speak for a while, but i still love you and your still my daughter. silly me for expecting people to have some morals.

case worker said there is no way they could get an injuction cos its all bullshit. apparently though HE had asked to be informed if a court date was set so that they could 'move out of the area because people might label him a paedophile. WTF????
HELLO does that not speak a thousand words?

DH is fuming cos our dd was 3 last week and there was only my sister who sent her anything. thinks are slowly getting back on track with sis, i have come to terms with the fact that she wont make a statement and i have to get past that now. some good news though, my brother made a statement for me last week, and my best friend who i have known 16yrs has offered to make one as well.

SORRY FOR THE VERY LONG POST

i have just been reading another thread that abitmessedup started back in feb, (sorry i have only just noticed it), talking about recovered memories. from my experience the memories come back the more you talk about the abuse, true they are very unpleasant but then so was the abuse. i learnt to completely detach myself and let my mind float of somewhere else when the abuse was happening so it is hard to recall some of those times, also i think the brain does a very good job of only letting us remember what it thinks we can deal with.
i can recommend reading 'courage to heal' by ellen bass & laura davies. i also have copies of 'behind closed doors' by jenny tomlin (martine mcCutheon's mum), a book called dont tell mummy. if anybody wants to borrow these CAT me your address and i will send then to you.
HATT i liked your suggestion on ABM thread about meeting with people who have been in a similar situation.

love and hugs to everyonexxxxxx

those recovered memories are the pits abmu arent they.....they make you feel your mind is messing with you as well iykwim
i hate remembering things but its all part of the process i suppose.
i wish these threads were more active as they help me feel not so alone.......