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Original poster

childhood sexual abuse

232 replies

iamasurvivor · 07/12/2006 14:15

this an emotive subject so please forgive me if it upsets anyone. i am a 30ish yr old woman who was sexual abused and raped by stepfather from age 11 till i was 17 when i found the courage to put a stop to it.
i have been through counselling twice and am actually a trained counsellor myself now.
in the 23 yrs since it started i have maintained this facade of still being his step daughter and he and my mum are still married.

this issue keeps rearing its head and usually i can deal with it and put it to rest. in the last month i have told my husband what has happened, and now i feel i am at the stage in my life where i need to confront my abuser, i havent spoken to him for months due to a completely unrelated row, but i know that i cant go back to putting on this act for the rest of the family anymore. i have to let him know that i have never forgotten what he did to me and exactly what i think of him.

i guess i am just wondering if anyone has been in a similar circumstance, my mum doesnt by the way and i dont know whether to tell her.

i will ever so grateful if anyone replies. thanks

OP posts:
Havingatoughtime · 18/12/2006 20:51

thanks

I DO recommend telling..everyone DO IT

foxinsocks · 18/12/2006 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks · 18/12/2006 20:54

oh and well done you! V v brave.

Havingatoughtime · 18/12/2006 20:59

thanks so much foxinsocks.I dont feel brave.It just feels natural

Nemoinapeartree · 18/12/2006 22:33

HATT well done to you and am glad all went well. You are extremely brave and I am in awe. Like IAS I could never go to the police but I just wanted him to know he hadnt won and he would never see my children.

abitmessedup · 19/12/2006 02:05

HATT, I too am in awe.

iamasurvior, I CATed you

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 20/12/2006 13:03

while i was lying in bed last night i had a disturbing flashback. i remembered that he used to have some of his friends staying with us when they were down on their luck and needed a place to stay. 2 of these friends at different times made a pass at me, nothing happened because i shrugged it off. i was older then, maybe about 14. do think this is just coincidental or could it in some way be related. was i gicing off vibes that i was an easy target???

OP posts:
sunnywong · 20/12/2006 13:15

No
of course it doesn't
you were responsible for none of it

abitmessedup · 20/12/2006 14:30

Please don't blame yourself. I know it's hard not to but these people were adults. You were a young teenager. This is not your fault.

{Hug}

Nemoinapeartree · 20/12/2006 20:52

IAAS you are bound to experience more flashbacks etc..I turned into quite a promiscuous teenager and also allowed my uncle to pay me to give him Bjs[he isnt much older than me] so part of process has led to me thinking I was a slut rather than a child who wsa manipulated into thinking that was the way I should interact with men.

Havingatoughtime · 28/12/2006 22:23

tomorrow I go to give my first draft statement 'happy new year to you too" - no i should not be bitter but am feeling a wee bit crapy tonight
I know so little about the whole process
any way - expect nothing and i wont be disappointed

its so hard

havingatoughtime · 29/12/2006 13:09

sorry about this but i am bricking it now - have to set off at half two.......help need support

abitmessedup · 30/12/2006 03:18

I'm really sorry, I've only just seen this. I don't always get on MN and I always miss this thread... I am always on e-mail though and I know I can't do much but am happy to 'listen' or provide a bit of moral support.

How did it go today? I can't imagine how awful it was. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. I really hope you had someone with you and that it went well. Please take care. Thinking of you.

Nemo2007 · 02/01/2007 20:51

havingatoughtime..sorry didnt see your post hun and to be honest been avoiding feeling depressed a little as been quite low. Hope it all went ok hun let us know!!!!!

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 11/01/2007 14:23

hi all sorry not been around for a while but we ended getting our internet disconnected because we were having so many problems with it. loads has happened since i last posted, i didnt go and see him and my mum at xmas, made up excuse about not being very well. the wednesday after christmas i phoned the police and reported him, still cant believe i have done it. an officer came round that night and spent 2 hrs taking a historical statement it was really hard but he was very nice and professional, nothing i said seemed to shock him.

this morning i have been to the child protection unit and made a video statement, unfortunately i have to go back again next week as the room was only booked for 2 hrs and we hadnt even got half way through the interview.

they have decided to hold off arresting him because both me and my sister are aware of the children being at risk and would not lieave them in any danger, so they do not consider him an immediate threat.

i havent told my mum yet but am going to wait until i have done the video next week and then go and tell her myself.

hope you are all ok and looking after yourselves

OP posts:
abitmessedup · 11/01/2007 18:57

Thanks for the update iamasurvivor, I've been wondering how things are. It sounds as though you have been very brave. It must have been really hard - I can't imagine the detail you must have had to go into.

Keep us posted

Take Care,

x

giddy1 · 11/01/2007 19:06

Message deleted

foxinsocks · 11/01/2007 19:07

well done Iamasurvivor xx

Sheraz · 13/01/2007 13:34

Well done survivor.. have been having computer troubles for last few weeks, so haven't been on line. Was wondering how you are doing. I work in this area of investigation, so if you have any queries please ask. Good Luck.

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 14/01/2007 02:07

thank you all for your kind words, i know that i have along way to go yet but the support i have had from my husband, my friends and all of you that have posted on here is what has kept me going.
giddy do you mind if i ask how long the whole process took, and had your abuse happened a long time ago? police have said that because there is no forensic evidence after so many years then in the end it will be my word against his.

OP posts:
Sheraz · 21/01/2007 11:59

iamsurvivor - the Police may be able to take statemnts off people who can corroborate what you are saying, I know there are probably no direct witnesses but was there anyone you told at the time, or anyone who saw you upset/hurt? Did you ever need any medical attention. Little things that can back up what you are saying? These cases do often come to one word against the other, but these cases DO sometimes get to Court and these people \do sometimes get found guilty. The main thing is that you are standing up for yourself and he knows it. You are no longer his victim. Best of luck to you, it will not be easy but it will get better.

Havingatoughtime · 21/01/2007 12:13

wow i am a survivor - i had missed this
we are both at the same stage - i have given my statement and the police are going round my friends etc to get statements... its all been slow for me as my dc went on a course for a month!
bricking it actually but have never felt better
how are you coping- have you felt any different - so much of he anger has gone from me...
please feel free to cat me

xxxxx

babybuttercup · 21/01/2007 17:09

Iamasurvivor, Giddy1, Havingatoughtime and anyone else that has reported it - well done for being so brave! Unfortuanely so many people cant find the courage ( Including me! )to do what you have done

Take care and keep us posted xx

Original poster
iamasurvivor · 28/01/2007 04:42

thank you all, i have finished my video statement now, the officer said it makes for very compelling and emotional watching and it is a shame that it could not be shown in court as people would get a real sense of what i have been through.up to now she just wants a statement off my sister because i told her 11 yrs ago.
HATT i also feel like a lot of my anger has gone and people have said they have noticed a difference in me, i have arranged to meet my mum on wednesday with the intention of disclosing to her for the first time. i am understandably very apprehensive about it but i feel that she needs to hear it from me before the police approach him. will keep you all posted, love and hugs to you all xxxxx

OP posts:
abitmessedup · 28/01/2007 04:56

I was so glad to read this - I have been wondering what has happened. Well done on completing the video statement - it must have been really hard but it sounds as though it is quite a relief.

Good luck with your mum on Wednesday. I imagine that will be very nerve-wracking but you're absolutely right, it needs to come from you.

Congratulations on being so brave and going through with this. Wishing you lots of luck on Wednesday and for the next stage.

Please do keep us posted - you are an inspiration. When I have sorted myself out and finished my counselling, I hope I will be strong enough to do this too.

Take Care & huge hugs to you

x