The Lost Souls Lounge - falling through the cracks of the MH system

[swisscheesetony]

Been "escorted" to hospital by the police chasing your ambulance?

Been told by the psych team you're fine and there's nothing they can do?

Pull up a pew and have a w(h)ine. No judgement.

My name's swiss and I'm borderline. 2 weeks ago I was taken to hospital with a police escort and discharged 12 hours later. A follow-up appointment with the clinical director of the mental health services ticked a box or two but they've no plans to see me again.

I'm off to see my new GP tomorrow to ask for help (attention seek bien sur).

I've PM'd you Roll

I'm struggling right now, but am determined not to contact friends as I've been too clingy. Particularly with my best friend (who I'm also in love with), he's on a date which is making my horrible day worse, but I don't want to make him feel bad as he deserves to be happy.

Hiya, can I join please? I too have the bpd diagnosis even tho the report only said 'traits' not a full blown diagnosis, but of course that means they can wash their hands of me.
Just got out of hospital after the latest attempt, and being plastered all over facebook as a missing person!!!!
The reason I ended up there - because I dared to hope that somehow this time might be different. As others have said the trusts like to pass the buck as much as they can. I firmly believe that this a form of 'ethnic cleansing', leave us for long enough and we will complete suicide thus saving them money and getting us out of the gene pool!

I'm seriously thinking hospitalization is going to be the only way I don't take my life. unfortunately, I'm a single mum. Has anyone had experience of this?

Hugs do you have any friends/family who can help?

My friends already do too much, and my auntie died today so my family have other things to deal with. I'm just adding to everyone's burdens.

So sorry to hear about your auntie hugandroll

Mind are running a "tell us about your care" campaign with the CQC for people who've received poor care to share their experiences. For any of us who are strong enough to contribute, it may be a positive step to have an outlet to feedback.

I have a nurse appointment on Friday. I really hope this one doesn't get cancelled.

HugAndRoll if you feel you need to talk, and feel like you're burdening your friends, you could always try calling The Samaritans? They are ace - they won't talk you out of action (as someone mentioned, neither will MH teams) but they will talk to you and I find they are really positive and really helpful in a way that friends sometimes can't be. The other option is to go to A and E - it'll be crap, and you'll wait forever, but you will get seen.

Just sending some hugs out to all right now - another major recurring here, who spent yesterday having to explain to the GP that when I said I'm feeling really good, I meant relatively: in that I no longer spend all day crying involuntarily and don't fantasise about death... sigh you take the good days for what they are :-/

And hats off to all those who manage to get up, get dressed, take a shower: I've refined my expectations on that front - once a week and I feel I am doing well. It's draining and exhausting, plus no-one gets close enough to smell me. I tell myself managing to wash myself and my hair weekly is good going - I don't always believe it, but again, it's the little things.

Oh: we are ALL worthy of care. Our illnesses and conditions don't change the fact that we and our lives have value. I've had many years of totally shit doctors, but am fortunate now to have a decent GP practice for the main, and a supportive psych: it's only taken 24 years to get here, mind you... It so hard when you're ill, and you haven't the energy to fight: but we ARE all worthy, even when we don't feel like it and when the system does its best to convince us otherwise.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on. I'm ruining my friends' lives, I know they'll be sad, but their lives will be so much better in the long run.

It makes me wish so much I didn't have children. I'm still alive for them, but I'm a shell of a person, I'm not who they need and I can't see me getting back to that point.

I can't eat, I can barely drink, I nearly passed out several times today. I'm a huge mess, a complete failure at life.

Hug You aren't a failure. Can you go and see your GP?

Hugandroll, I'm so sorry things are still so hard for you. Do you not have a home treatment team in your area? They've been life savers for me.
Focus on Friday and getting to your nurse appointment. It's just tomorrow to get through. Keep posting though. I wish we could all access the help and support we so desperately need. You shouldn't have to hit rock bottom before anyone steps in.

It's so crap. I can't be left alone, but it's down to two friends and they need a break. I don't know what to do.

Hugandroll, I really wish there was something I could do to help. What does your GP say? Is he supportive in any way (mine isn't but I know some people are luckier)

I nipped in to my doc today to pick up a prescription (not for mental health meds ha! - don't need those apparently..) and to make an appointment to see the nurse for a blood test. She'd had a cancellation so I was able to see her today. She was appalled by my lack of treatment and wants me to see the doc next week (locum this week) about getting meds or "fucking something". She did at least "get" that when you're beyond fucked the last thing you actually want to do is pick up a phone and say "hi, yeh, about me being suicidal - this is it".

As it stands I'll only be "seen" (n.b., seen does not mean helped) if I roll up in the ambulance again. She asked what my strategy was, I said I didn't have one and I wouldn't phone for help again because I didn't want the humiliation of being picked up by the blue light brigade when nothing comes of it. I'd rather bandage myself up and drink myself to sleep.

Pdoc didn't want to give me anti-psychotics btw as there are long term health consequences - e.g., weight gain, diabetes II, kidney probs. I did convey that without them there would be significant health consequences too...

I am geting treatment, its taken a while but see a consultant and a psychotherapist and will having intesive treatment three times per week soon.This may sound weird but the people I know who have received theassistance that I have met through MH services are often a danger to others as well as to themselves.

I have also found that depending on the type of suicide attempt can make a difference to treatment offered.

Hug hope your appointment with the nurse goes well today. And please know, your friends and family most definitely will not be better off without you - that's the illness talking: I am certain your friends are not getting fed up with you - I'll bet that they actually want you to get better, and are terrified for you because you are feeling so low, because they love and need you.

Tony I cannot believe that he wouldn't give you anti-psychotics because of the side effects! Is he not aware the alternative wouldn't be a side effect but rather a permanent effect?! There was a guy on my street who would get drunk, SH, call 999, get lighted away, be patched up and get home again before the end of the day: this happened every week for months, because they couldn't accept that he clearly needed MH help. In the end, they finally admitted him to a long-term MH facility with assisted living - but if they had just helped the poor guy in the first place, he may not have needed that level of intervention. Certainly, he wouldn't have had to suffer for months on end first, at least.

But I think small is right: people who are also or only a danger to others are those who are prioritised - if we are a danger to ourselves, it's not such a great need, because worst-case scenario, we'll just succeed, in which case, we got what we wanted and it's one less person to worry about fitting in the system. I appreciate that that's cynical - but it's how I feel sometimes :-/

smallwoodenstool I'm glad to hear you're getting help! That's odd about the "type" of attempt. The way I see it now is that my attempt would be job done, I've thought it out and for me worse case scenario would be excruciating pain of kidney failure over the course of a week or two... there would be no coming back from my method.

hug How did you get on today?

hefzi Yes, they're worrying about weight gain and all these other side effects. Granted I did put on 10kg in 6 weeks (!) with zyprexa, but like I gave a fuck at the time! Rispiridone worked well for me... I say worked well - speeding off my tits I was in front of a team of four (?) MH professionals who'd wanted to see how I was getting on. I was fiiiiinnnnne.... their horrified looks suggested otherwise haha. I know they're all supposed to take a while to get into your system, but in my experience they "hit" within a 20 minute window of taking them, so if you are feeling like utter shit and on that slippery slope, neck one and you'll be asleep in half an hour anyway. Hard to hurt yourself when you're asleep!

HV phoned this afternoon to check in on me. Said SS had offered to come and show me how to clean my house or cook a meal for the DC's. Patronising central. HV told them to do one. I did say that I am just utterly exhausted. I'd picked DC2 up from nursery and by the time we were home, fed and I'd chopped some veg for a soup for tonight I barely had the energy to stand. So when she asked what could be done to support me I said "as ridiculous as it sounds, I could really use someone to take DC2 to nursery". It's 12 miles away so to do that trip twice a day takes a lot of time and tbh half the time I kill an hour or two (which isn't really resting) to save petrol. Even if he could just be brought home it would give me at least an extra hour. Anyway, she said "no problem, you'd need to be in "poverty" or ill" - ding-ding - I think I won the jackpot! So hopefully that will go through and will give me a little respite.

How are you all doing today?

Dur I mean I've thought out my methods so that I don't have the week of painful organ failure...

Today went better than expected. I've been referred to a self harm group, and the nurse wants me to have emotional regulation assistance (but the psych has to agree to take me on in December for that).

She thinks me going into a safe house for a week would be a good idea, and would support a referral.

Can I join?
Pulls up chair
I'm sorry everyone has had such bad experiences.
Same here. Don't even get me started - it would be an essay.
I don't really want to be here. According to my care co-ordinator 'people with BPD always feel like that'. They won't believe me that it really is bad rn. I was in A&E three times in as many weeks and told last time I just needed to look at my behaviour.
Crisis line ask what I want them/ CMHT to do.
Even the local 'independent' advocate hates me.
Close to giving up.

I thought you hadn't made it...

Sorry for being overly huggy, I really thought... argh...

hello again everyone.

Although, butterfly your post shows everything that is most infuriating and devastating about the system.

I don't really want to be here. According to my care co-ordinator 'people with BPD always feel like that'.

Yes, that's why they'd like some help, so they can feel better. (I got called manipulative for pointing this obvious fact out.) And, when did something happening frequently/constantly stop it being an issue? Surely that makes it more of an issue?

They won't believe me that it really is bad rn.

I sometimes wonder if they are all suffering from some kind of god-complex. They seem to think people are so desperate to spend time with them that they'd wreck their lives faking a mental illness in order to be in their hallowed presence! Utterly ridiculous.

I was in A&E three times in as many weeks and told last time I just needed to look at my behaviour.

AAARRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This just means "Please act like you are fine". Why the fuck can't they understand? Even the NHS therapist (assessing me, not having therapy) completely ignored the traumatic memories, nightmares and experiences, instead repeatedly insisting I must be doing something now that made me feel so awful. She kept saying she couldn't work out what it was .

Crisis line ask what I want them/ CMHT to do.

Where do I even start? Firstly, that is not how doctors/the NHS is supposed to work. They are the ones with the knowledge (in theory), they tell you what treatment you need. Why do they expect us to know? Secondly, you can't actually even hazard a guess at what might help because they will tell you it isn't available or say you're not suitable or just think you're asking for the moon on a stick. They won't even give you options to choose from. Thirdly, when you're unwell and needing their help it's very likely you're not able to ask for anything, much less coherently form a treatment plan. And finally, sometimes the most helpful thing is someone appearing to give a shit, which you can't ask for because it negates the whole point.

Even the local 'independent' advocate hates me.

The advocate is just reacting to having to deal with all the crap from the CMHT whenever they try to get people help... It's not right, but it's not because of you.

Feel a bit better after that rant. Sorry it's shite as ever x