awful shock. not sure I want to be here.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I was going to namechange but can't be bothered.

Just received a very upsetting email from a close relative (not the relative being abusive. I get on with them and love them. It's just the email contained some very upsetting news).

The last few years have been hard. My parents split up and there were lots of complications. Just as it looked as if things might get better I get this bomshell.

I am sorry. I know that I am being irritatingly cryptic but I have to get something out now or I will take an overdose or cut or something (I have cut in my life but have an urge to now). This is something which could destroy our family. I have already been struggling with depression but am on tablets and coping day to day. Generally feel ok. Now this. If I can think of ways to put details up without identifying myself I will but this is terrible and I am so sick of it.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Yes, I love that one. The only one I wasn't a big fan of was Jingo - and I think it was because, at that time, Sir Tel was writing too many too quickly. It's not bad, I just don't like it as much.

Jingo is one of my favourites but I'm not so keen on Raising Steam or Making Money. They're ok and there're none that I actively dislike but they don't quite do it for me. I suppose given what's happening to him it's amazing that he's still producing good quality books at all

I'm going to lie down for a bit (old gimmer)

Nanna-nap time, eh?
I like to have one of those in the afternoons but DS2 is making it hard - that and having to pick Ds1 up from school! Flipping children...

I know what you mean about Making Money and Raising Steam - and I agree. Also agree about the whole "Wow it's amazing he can still do that given the Alzheimer's" situation. Have you read Nation? I couldn't get into it

I couldn't get into the first time but I gave it another chance and liked it. I find that some of his books get better the second time round. There's usually something to like about even the weaker ones and even without the Alzheimer's he's still doing pretty well. I mean after 300 possibly slight exaggeration books or so it's not bad.

I hate sleeping in the day I am not ninety or two years old. Oh well. I probably need it

Haha - I've been having my "nanna naps" (common phrase here) since I was pg with DS2! And if it's any consolation, DH, who is only 38, has them whenever he gets the chance (and has for as long as I've known him - 11 years) too.

Yes, if you feel like you need it, you probably do. Go and sleep x

I've slept. I feel ok now.

I know people who've had them all their lives

The black cloud is hitting. Somewhat earlier than usual. i need to pull myself together. i am trying to do a crossword.

Dear Raft

I hope you will find some peace and be able to sleep better tonight. It's a good idea to distract yourself in whatever way is effective for you. You are doing well to notice that your mood is changing.

I don't know if you've ever considered trying to practise mindfulness, but it can be very helpful in getting through the kind of distress you are feeling. You could try the free audio downloads here and hopefully drift into a restorative sleep before the end

Will check back in the morning to see how you're doing; sending ((hugs)) for now

xx

xxxxx Sij

I know about the concept of mindfullness.

Things are hard now. Very very hard.

I have had to grow new skin on my teeth to hang on with.

I appreciate everyone on here.

Hanging in here with you lovey.
Skin on your teeth, eh - nice look ;)

fail! OMG. Too much time on Faceache.

Wrap your dressing gown around you, and think of your favourite colour. IMagine you're in a giant marshmallowy cloud of that colour - a soft, billowing, cushiony cloud that's protecting you from all the bad things. What's your favourite scent? Whiffs of that will be floating around in your safe cushiony cloud too, banishing bad things.

Thank you Thumb

I am fairly calm now. That can change quickly but I am ok now. I think at the moment I am taking things one hour at a time.

My appetite is going. It's annoying. I like my food.

I have an idea for you - make yourself a graph of your mood. Scale it from 0 to 10 (or 100 if you prefer) and when you can detect a definite mood change, mark it off on the graph, with the time of day underneath. It could be very useful to see a) how quickly things change and b) if there's a definite pattern. Plus it gives you something to think about with the other side of your brain, so your emotional side is distracted :)

By coincidence I was thinking about doing a mood diary. I'm not good at graphs but that is a good idea.

I feel sad but not frantic. Long may it last.

You know the scary thing? I only lose my appetite when I'm really ill. Am I really that bad? I don't want to think I am.

I just had a squiz on Google to see if there was one you could download, print and fill in - but I found this while I was looking - might be interesting since you're on Prozac. prozacmonologues.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/more-on-mood-charts.html

All the charts I have seen so far only have one space per day - I think you might want to do an hourly one per day to start with so you can see if there is a rhythm to each day. Then maybe you can do an average for each day, and do a monthly one too - will show more patterns to do with e.g. weather, menstrual cycle, lunar cycle etc.

I don't mean that you should log your mood every hour, but if you have a chart with hours on it, then you log when your mood changes.

Anyway, still can't find one for 24h in one day, but if you google them yourself, you'll find plenty of daily ones, maybe you could get an idea of what you like from those and modify one for 24h. :)

Appetite loss is also a side effect of stress for some. You are clearly in a state of high stress, so it's not that surprising. I lost 1.5st in 4 weeks when I was very emotionally stressed; just couldn't eat at all. Lived on bananas and weak milky sweet coffee (about 3 grains of coffee just to add a modicum of flavour because I hate hot milk!) because I couldn't swallow anything else.

You are very kind Thumb

I have no feelings now which I guess could be worse.

I still want to eat but I find I am satisfied with small amounts. I could with losing 1.5st though maybe not in that way.

Going to have a look at the blog.

Can't stop laughing. I am not amused by anything.

Sij have copied and pasted your link. I can't concentrate on it much but what I have read looks so helpful.

No feelings = loss of affect => sign of depression. When are you going to see your doc?

2nd September

That's not too bad, it's only a week - still quite a long time though, couldn't they squeeze you in any earlier?