awful shock. not sure I want to be here.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I was going to namechange but can't be bothered.

Just received a very upsetting email from a close relative (not the relative being abusive. I get on with them and love them. It's just the email contained some very upsetting news).

The last few years have been hard. My parents split up and there were lots of complications. Just as it looked as if things might get better I get this bomshell.

I am sorry. I know that I am being irritatingly cryptic but I have to get something out now or I will take an overdose or cut or something (I have cut in my life but have an urge to now). This is something which could destroy our family. I have already been struggling with depression but am on tablets and coping day to day. Generally feel ok. Now this. If I can think of ways to put details up without identifying myself I will but this is terrible and I am so sick of it.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Every night. Every night. Every night I feel like this. Oh I know I have had a bit to drink but it is literally just a bit. Every night. I have had a nice birthday. I have had things to look forward and still iI feel the black dog following me. I try positive thinking, distraction etc but it is all a smoke screen. I have tried to pull myself together. Perhaps I should give into it.

Sent you a PM x

Read it. xx

It won't be every night forever, this will pass.

Thank you I know. I am being ungrateful. I will try to pull myself together. xx

Have had some advice. Am all right. Have not had enough wine to make any difference really. Am sorry.

Hello. Me again. Have been doing some thinking.

This is a difficult question but my thoughts are very erratic. I am considering trying to see someone before 2nd September which is when my doctors appointment is. I have already tried to kill myself. My mood is so changeable recently that I could spend the next few days feeling fine.

In all honesty do you think I should see someone right away? I don't want to upset annoy worry anyone or make anyone angry. I am scared. Sometimes. At the moment I don't really care which is how I'm able to ask this question relatively calmly.

Sorry lovely, I have been away - went to see Queen with Adam Lambert last night and stayed out - and my dino-phone doesn't "do" t'internet.

You should of course be sleeping by now but on the offchance that you're not - if you are still having suicidal thoughts then phone the Samaritans. If that doesn't work for you then you need a number for the mental health crisis team - hopefully someone else will be able to tell you how that works, because sadly I don't know.

My mum would be jealous. She loves Queen

I am feeling ok now but I have a lot of thinking to do.

Hello, glad you're feeling ok for now. If there is a risk that you may not hold on until Tuesday, then of course you must see someone sooner
Meanwhile, try to befriend the black dog. He will be less scary if you understand him a little better and then he won't be able to take charge.

I've PM'd you

Queen sounds fab, even without Freddie. I'm slightly envious of the people that got tickets for the Kate Bush concerts. She's such an enigma.

Married I got your PM.

I will see someone if I have to.

I am not a dog person I will try and be nice to the black dog. I'm imaging it's a Labrador. I quite like Labradors

Raft?

It was fab, AND we had a surprise visit from Lady Gaga to sing along with Another One Bites The Dust - she didn't do the Tuesday night concert, only ours [smug]. Apparently her name is from Radio Gaga, so she was really happy to be singing with Queen!

Yes I have seen it Thumb Very affecting.

I'd heard that Lady Gaga was called after the song.

- it's actually a very bad sound recording, I don't know why, must be where the person recording it was standing or something. She sounded heaps better from where we were sitting! I particularly love the Cher-esque wig

I have got rescue remedy. I am getting low so will take it if necessary.

Excellent, RR is fab

Had RR and pill. I hope they help.

Feel numb feel nice dont feel real but its a hell of a lot better than feeling like death

Not been back from work long and off to bed shortly. Hope you get some rest tonight

Married

Just checking in and saying that I'm out most of today - going to a Gluten Free Foods expo in Sydney - woohoo, the excitement!
Should be interesting, hoping to score a few freebies but we'll see.
Hope you're still "comfortably numb", Raft - and if you're too young to get that ref then

depressed but not dangerously so.

waves to thumb.

OK deep breath...

I wanted to hurt myself but...

I painted my nails instead.

That's actually kind of humorous in an odd sort of way. Hope your nails look fab!
Glad they copped it instead of you needing to hurt yourself. :)