awful shock. not sure I want to be here.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I was going to namechange but can't be bothered.

Just received a very upsetting email from a close relative (not the relative being abusive. I get on with them and love them. It's just the email contained some very upsetting news).

The last few years have been hard. My parents split up and there were lots of complications. Just as it looked as if things might get better I get this bomshell.

I am sorry. I know that I am being irritatingly cryptic but I have to get something out now or I will take an overdose or cut or something (I have cut in my life but have an urge to now). This is something which could destroy our family. I have already been struggling with depression but am on tablets and coping day to day. Generally feel ok. Now this. If I can think of ways to put details up without identifying myself I will but this is terrible and I am so sick of it.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

They are bright pink

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

struggling a little so trying some deep breathing.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I hurt myself.

i am ashamed.

[Thumbwitch]

oh Raft - Please let go of the shame. Feeling guilty isn't going to help, it only adds to your level of negative feelings - so let it go (in the words of the song!).
You've done it, presumably it gave you some relief, now you have some time to find better strategies before the next urge hits. (((hugs)))

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Thank you Thumb.

I will try and move on from it. I was so shocked that I did it last night but it's done now.

I will try and hang on till Tuesday.

[Thumbwitch]

Not long to go now til Tuesday :)
I hope that it's a useful appt for you when it happens.

In the meantime, perhaps you should take up nail art? That would keep you more occupied, and you'd have fabulous nails at the end of it

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Am struggling now but am doing better in general. At the moment I don't want to live but I know (I have to believe) it will pass.

Am still not eating a lot but that is not a major concern. I am not of the sort of weight where dropping half a stone will do me any harm.

I spoke to my mum. I only have two nights to get through. I don't know what will happen at the doctor and as it is a locum not sure how good he/she will be but have to try.

My friend might be visiting later this week and I am looking forward to that.

I am using the crutch a lot less. I will use it tomorrow but I will be walking for a while (at least an hour)

I have my rescue remedy, crossword puzzles, and QI. These are all nice things.

I will try to stay positive.

[Thumbwitch]

Look for the little things to enjoy - I know it's night time for you now, but enjoy your pillow, your bed, the stars - those kind of tiny enjoyments. xx

[marriednotdead]

Crossing my fingers that tomorrow's appointment brings you some much needed hope and direction

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Thank you Thumb and Married

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Can't sleep. Feel ill.

[Thumbwitch]

Oh no! I was out at playgroup - a rain-drenched affair, as it turned out.
Hope that you are asleep now - are you a wee bit nervous about your appt in the morning?

Sending soothing sleepy vibes your way just in case.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hiya,

I wasn't nervous. Luckily I'm ok with doctors etc. Think I'm just having stomach problems.

Doctor was quite helpful and very nice. It's probably bad depression. I will be having my more in depth analysis in a couple of weeks. She has upped my medication dose. I agreed to it as temporary thing. I know I need to talk to someone but it will help in the meantime.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Glad you were properly heard, Raft, and the increase in meds will help to keep you going until you are referred for some counselling.

Meanwhile concentrate on being kind to yourself, and know that you can and will get better. It will take time, though, and patience!

xxx

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I am not very patient

I am ok today. Thanks Sij

xxx

[Thumbwitch]

PLeased that the appt went well, and the increased dose should take effect in a few days.

Have you tried the mood chart at all? I know you said graphs weren't your thing but it's something else to concentrate on. Get pretty colours and shizzle and make it look good. If you like that sort of thing of course - I'm a bit of a stationery addict so pretty much any kind of excuse to buy new stationery makes me happy!

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I am ok. I have a physio appointment tomorrow.

Thumb I forgot about the mood chart Thanks for reminding me.

It isn't so much that graphs aren't my thing it's just that I can't understand them. I'm dyspraxic. Maybe it's a spatial thing. Are graphs spatial? I don't know.

Walks off rambling to self...

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

am not ok not by a long way but i have taken a rescue remedy and made a cup of tea and i hope to get to bed soon.

[Thumbwitch]

I hope you got some benefit from the rescue remedy and managed to get to sleep too x

Another thing that might be an idea would be to do a food diary - I know you're not eating much but it would be interesting to see if there are any foods you eat that increase the "bad" feelings, iyswim.

Also, if you're still not eating properly, get yourself a multi vit/min supplement - some B vitamins in particular are linked to depression, as is low iron, and low vit D. Also lack of certain essential oils (omega 3) can be linked too.

www.nutri-facts.org/eng/topic-of-the-month/detail/backPid/94/article/micronutrients-and-depression/ this article talks about some of them.

It's important to get a multi, not individual supplements, because that way you won't throw the balance out of other micronutrients.

Something else to try, anyway :)

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Waves.

Sorry. cant post more.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I have written a to do list for tomorrow. It isn't much and I don't know how much I'll get done but I think it's nice to have a framework. I won't beat myself up if I don't accomplish everything on it

I am feeling pretty tearful now but I have made a small plan of action:

Soon (probably after I post this) I will take some rescue remedy. I have decided to start exercising again as well. I go for a walk every day but I want to start doing some toning and yoga exercises. I am aiming for four times a week at first but I will see how it goes.

Thumb I read your post and thanks for the advice and link which is very interesting I know a bit about vitamins. I will buy some multis when I can afford it. I am trying to eat as healthily as I can.

[marriednotdead]

Hello

Thought I'd pop by to say goodnight and hope that you sleep well.If you are bored or can't, I can usually find something to entertain me on here

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello Married and ta for the link.

Goodnight

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Here is an update.

I am struggling now but am taking medication soon so will be ok.

I have multi vitamin tablets.

My breath is smelling a bit nail varnishy which is annoying but I am discovering food which I can eat more easily.