awful shock. not sure I want to be here.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I was going to namechange but can't be bothered.

Just received a very upsetting email from a close relative (not the relative being abusive. I get on with them and love them. It's just the email contained some very upsetting news).

The last few years have been hard. My parents split up and there were lots of complications. Just as it looked as if things might get better I get this bomshell.

I am sorry. I know that I am being irritatingly cryptic but I have to get something out now or I will take an overdose or cut or something (I have cut in my life but have an urge to now). This is something which could destroy our family. I have already been struggling with depression but am on tablets and coping day to day. Generally feel ok. Now this. If I can think of ways to put details up without identifying myself I will but this is terrible and I am so sick of it.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[RachaelAgnes]

You have let no-one down.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I have had counselling in the past which helped so it could be worth doing. I don't feel life is worth living at the moment but I am tryign to remember that it is.

Something potentially very bad will happen at the end of the month that will affect my whole close family. My birthday is around that time. Great timing isn't it? I just want to shout at someone but no one I know really deserves it.

[RachaelAgnes]

Ok. So please make a doctors appointment

Begin to get the support you need, so that if the 'thing' does happen, you have things in place

If you want to talk more about it, we're here, if not, we still are

Do you have any plans for your birthday?

[RachaelAgnes]

And you can shout on here, I certainly won't be offended, sure the others won't either!

[weatherall]

No one is perfect, raft.

Try not to blame yourself for circumstances beyond your control.

Hindsight is great. We can all look back and think how we could have done xyz better. But we do the best we can at the time. Try not to beat yourself up about things in the past you can't change.

What's important is today.

At times like this getting through one day is an achievement.

You are doing the right thing now by asking for help.

I hope you get some sleep soon.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I'm doing a joint birthday thing with a friend Not sure of details yet.

I know I need to go to bed but I am not calm enough yet. You are all helpign though so thank you.

There are ducklings in the park near me. A man got one to come right up to him. I think it must be a nice simple life.

[RachaelAgnes]

Raft

Your life is worth living. This evening/morning you have given me two gifts. I have been able to use my time talking (and hopefully helping to distract you. You have also given me listverse (damn it, it's addictive).

You have a birthday to look forward to, and your joint plans will give you focus and another distraction

The ducklings and the simple life can be yours too - keep looking for these things, the little lifts they give you will all help

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

You have helped Rachel thank you. I still very down but you have helped. I am going to try very hard. I am afraid of the future but I will try to cope.

What are you reading on Listverse at the moment?

I don't want to be a duckling by the way. I just saw one wondering along the river bank, stretching its wings and preening and I thought "you never worry about anything do you?"

[RachaelAgnes]

To be fair, if I had been walking my dog near the duckling, it might not have been so carefree

Have switched the computer off, as it's getting to the time of day where I have little jobs to do. Quite like this time of day, because I can see daylight beginning to creep across the sky.

Keep trying, keep on keeping on.

[Thumbwitch]

Hello Raft - I'm sorry to hear that your world has been thrown into turmoil again.

If I can offer my tuppence worth of armchair psychology - I think that there is a good chance that the news that your Dad's relationship is on the verge of breaking up again has triggered many of your unresolved feelings around your own parents' divorce, which will make things a lot worse than the current situation might warrant.
I think that counselling would be a very good idea indeed - help you put your feelings into context and try to get some resolution.

I think that you're also worrying about your baby half-sister (ok she's 3, but that's still little more than a baby!) - partly because she'll go through what you have, but at a much younger age and with therefore less understanding, and partly because you're worried you won't get to see her again.

Do you have a decent relationship with your stepmother? It sounds like your sister might not have such a good relationship with her, but what about you? would she allow you to maintain contact with her DD, your half-sister?

The news has given you a big shock, jolted you, possibly made you think "oh no, not again, I can't go through this again" - but you can. You got through it once before and this time you're a little older and a little more removed from the situation. Plus, if your DSM allows it, you have a little sister who could do with some continuity in her life and who would, I'm sure, miss you very much if you weren't around.

(((hugs))) for you - hang in there, get to your GP as soon as you can, get them to do blood tests re. the bruising and ask about counselling because I do think it would be of benefit to you. xx

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I will try to go to bed. I am feeling too stressed to sleep but I will try and read and see what happens.

Thank you everyone.

[Thumbwitch]

Good luck with sleeping - will be here for another 45 mins if you don't manage it (then it's school run time)

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hey Thumb. Will PM you tomorrow. Well it is tomorrow but you know what I mean. I will just say you are on the right lines with your armchair psychology and very perceptive but there is a bit more to it.

Thank you again everyone.

P.S I don't have to be up early tomorrow and I can usually survive on not much sleep.

Good night/morning

[RachaelAgnes]

Good night Raft, will check in later in the day to see how you are

[Thumbwitch]

Good night, Raft - PM away whenever you feel like it, happy to do whatever can to help xx [spoons]

[RachaelAgnes]

Afternoon Raft
Hope you managed some sleep

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Thank you Rachel and good afternoon.

Yes I got some sleep

I am ok. I spoke to my mum. I am still feeling down but am not going to do anything. The situation is not any better but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I will make an appointment with the doctor. I still have the bruising. I have always bruised quite easily especially on my legs but I will scratch something gently and expect to either see nothing there or maybe a faint red mark. Instead I get this:
imgur.com/gallery/LSYDTvf

It looks a bit like that on my thigh although not as dramatic.

or this on my lower leg

lifesolovely.com/2013/07/08/30-week-bumpdate/

Most strange. My nails are not long or sharp. My iron levels are fine (I gave blood recently) my diet is fine, my periods are fine (regular and not long). It is another thing to worry about.


I am currently lesson planning (I do private tuition sometimes) in between reading mumsnet. I have been reading a very badly written OTT article and I feel a strong urge to write a parody of it. I am forcing myself to concentrate on my work. Fortunately I am nearly finished.

[Thumbwitch]

Hmm, definitely a good idea to ask your GP about it.
It might be a stress reaction, but it might be something else too; or it might be nothing in particular.

My Dad had a huge wheal-and-flare reaction to stress once (my Mum losing their second baby) - his GP said if it hadn't come out in his body like that, he would have had a nervous breakdown. But those pics aren't really wheal-and-flare (allergice style) reactions.

Glad you got some sleep and are focusing on work stuff - good idea. Hope your mum was helpful when you spoke to her. xx

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I'm sorry to hear about your mum Thumb. Someone close to me has recently lost a baby. It's always sad No I haven't got weals thankfully. I just look like I've fallen over. I did wonder if it was something to do with my blood clotting too much but when I donated recently the bag was full in five minutes. I got praised for my amazing blood which was nice yes I know it's out of my control

My mum was sympathetic. There's not much she can do to help. I know I said I would PM you. I haven't forgotten. I just have other things to sort out first

[Thumbwitch]

No that's fine, don't worry! :)

If anything, bruising is more likely to be caused by your blood not clotting as well as it could, hence the bleeding under the skin - which is why you need to get your bloods checked. Have you been taking aspirin/ibuprofen at all recently? Both of these can act as blood "thinners" by reducing platelet activity.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I take ibuprofen occasionally but not frequently. I think I took it once in the last week.

[Thumbwitch]

No, that's not often enough to be the likely problem then. You'd need to be taking it over a few days to have an effect.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I have finished my lesson planning I am always a bit careful with painkillers as I know someone who got ill from taking too much ibuprofen over a long time. She had a weak stomach anyway but I am wary now. I take it if I really need it though.

[RachaelAgnes]

Hi!
Glad to hear you slept and are keeping busy, going to leave you in the capable hands of Thumb, as have stuff going on over the next few days
Will keep checking in, and feel free to PM me if no-one is about, or you need a chat!
Keep on keeping on, it might seem trite, but one step at a time dragged me through the other side, kicking and screaming
Take help where you can, I shall be thinking of you

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Thank you Rachael I really appreciated you talking to me last night. I hope you sort out whatever you have got going on.

I am trying to sort out lots of little tasks so I always have something to distract myself.